Aurilion arrives in 14 hours! holy fuck! and I haven't slept yet! I wanted to get this posted because I'll have a billion more to share once ze arrives!

These are from April 26th, when Nimajn and I went on a drive so that I could take in all the greeeeeeeeeeeeenery. As ze drove I snapped photos furiously and got positively high from all the delicious greens... I find it so deeply nourishing to gaze at them, and somehow my gaze is intensified through a camera lens. I can't describe exactly what it means to me to see the trees alight with emerald and peridot and a million other verdant jewels... so I'll have to show you my gleeful face. ;-)

this also matches my current mood at the fact that I will SEE AURILION IN 14 HOURS:



( a bunch of me )



( (mostly blurry) greenery )

Please go to my icons page and tell me:

1. Which is your favorite, and why?
2. Which icon do you think best represents me? why?
3. (if any) Which retired ones (no longer on that page) do you miss?

and I'll respond to your comment telling you my answers for you!

(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

I have had a very... spiky day, energy-wise. Feeling very raw and unhappy, like I'm wriggling to get out from under a heavy and very rough rock, and being scraped by every movement. I have been digging away at myself trying to find the root of this -- I keep finding things, tossing them out and then realizing that the problem is still there. I don't know what it is. This isn't depression, but it mimics it; all my usual tricks to shake off darkness had little effect. I think maybe this may just be something I have to crawl through.

I went into my sanctuary to meditate and pray, and as I started talking to God/dess I realized that prayer is not as easy as it once was. When I fit wholly within the Christian belief system, prayer was easy -- just ask for the things you want, and thank for the things you have. Now... it's not so easy, because I don't see God/dess the same way -- not a male-bodied being on a throne, but a multi-dimensional, multi-faceted, unsexed and DEFINITELY ungendered being which is truly omnipresent. I feel zir as soooooooo much BIGGER than before, and it is hard to feel the personal connection. I'm not sure what to do with this. Do I pray to each facet that I resonate with, or pray to the whole being that the facets are part of? Hm. I'm just remembering a similar issue I had with the trinity, maybe I will pray separately at first. I dunno. I feel pretty confused about it. And I miss having the same deity as someone else and being able to simultaneously connect with that deity -- what an amazing feeling that is.

The meditation/prayer helped, as did going for a short drive in the warm sun and cool air, but I still feel so on edge. If this is part of the incubation/awakening that seems to be happening in my tribe, I feel sorry for everyone else, heh. I just want to tear something or scream or explode! I'm in the mood to create but I can't because I don't want this energy going into my creation, and I can't calm down enough anyway. I think I'm going to go out again.

( music sharing! )

Usually I share based on what I've been listening to lately, but this time I am sharing songs that have strong spiritual meaning to me. In this post: Dream Art Science, E.S. Posthumus, and Dead Can Dance. Dream Art Science found me on myspace and invited me to check out their music, and when I did I was utterly swept away. They create spiritual music, based on ancient Egyptian religion and some very unique concepts of their own (that I do not really understand). Their sound really touches me, but even more than that their lyrics stir me. I wish I could explain how MUCH their lyrics speak my own heart, speak my spirituality in many ways. E.S. Posthumus was introduced to me by Cynosis, who sent me one of their songs in a mix which she composed just for me. I loved the whole thing, but the song "Nara" just set me on fire! I shared it with Hannah and Lily, who experienced it in a similar way -- this incredible spiritual experience, like when you hear a new piece of wisdom that resonates deeply in you. I had to buy the album, and the whole thing affected me in nearly the same way! Listening to it is... amazing for me. I've never been so touched by music without lyrics (at least, without English lyrics -- some have lyrics in other languages, which sounds like an integral part of the music to my ear). Dead Can Dance caught my eye at a used CD store -- I took Spiritchaser home and listened to it non-stop for ages, in the car and in the house. It's also mainly lyricless, with singing in glossolalia (what some call speaking-in-tongues). I find that especially beautiful, very expressive, and it feels even more 'true' to my ear than lyrics. The few songs that do have lyrics really inspire me.



Belenen's favorites -- April 2008 mix


(  - - - - samples of all songs and lyrics for some - - - -  )


Poll #1175846
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

did you download the zip?

View Answers

yes
7 (100.0%)

(ignore the poll if you didn't download)

Who is your tribe? not necessarily the people currently in your life, or the people you are related to, but the ones who have a permanent spot in your heart.

You are all my extended tribe ♥ I really feel everyone on my flist is an important part of my life. (and I am not just saying that, it is SO true!) And within that circle, the ones I feel I share a tent with on the journey of life are: ( here they are! )

When you tell me yours, please also add a word or two as to who they are (partner, friend, relative).

Comments are screened but will be unscreened unless you ask for them to stay screened!

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

I just got Kanika spayed today and I'm a little afraid ze's waiting until I relax and then ze's gonna kill me *fear* Ze was wild at the vet -- though they said ze had been moderately cooperative until then. And ze hates the pellet litter they told me to get :-/ Ze keeps getting in, scratching a little and then coming to look at me in bewilderment. *worries* And IIIII keep looking over my shoulder in fear. ack! if I suddenly stop posting, you know why.

ETA: ze used it, yay.

the wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person, and so quickly! and if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes, and it brings out the best in you... it's almost as if you are falling in love with yourself.

Being in love... I feel in love with everyone, everything. It feels almost too much to bear to go out in public because everyone is so impossibly beautiful and wonderful it overwhelms me. I want to kneel at the feet of each person and honor their unutterably amazing, fascinating Self. It's like being hurried through a gallery of the most intricate, meaningful paintings, and only getting the merest glimpse of each one. I have felt this for always, but never so strongly. Never so fully.

Everyone is so important. Whenever I hear of someone dying, I feel a loss because most likely, that person's wisdom, their view, has been lost to all of us who are still here. The thing they had to teach us rests only in the minds of those who knew them, and soon fades. I want everyone's story! If our education consisted of learning others' life stories, how wise would we be? How much would we understand? That is the true wisdom, learning other people. If you learn even one person in a deep way, you learn more than you could ever know from all the objective facts.

Instead we hurry (or are hurried) through the gallery of life, taking perfunctory glimpses, and don't even consider that each painting is more than a splash of random color. (we concentrate on the walls and floor!) We don't even look at ourselves, thinking that we are just random splotches too. Most of the time we draw curtains over most of ourselves so that others can't see our 'splotchiness' -- and we rob others of the joy, the wisdom, the love that they could get from seeing our trueselves. And we measure everything by how it matches the little we know of our own colors, instead of exploring, delving into others and realizing how amazing it is that we all have so much intricacy, so much complexity that we could gaze and gaze forever and there would always be something we hadn't noticed before.

I want to cry out, don't hide! please don't hide from me, I want to honor you. I want to know absolutely everything about you. When I offer you the opportunity to gaze at my trueself, please don't flinch and hide yourself, open to me also. We are the same, perfect in our difference.

( I have a fanciful dream )

This is a big part of the reason LJ is so important to me. Here, people pull back the curtains -- some a little, some a lot -- and I can learn others. And I can explore myself, and save my discoveries so that others can see my intricacy as well. I want to offer people the chance to know me, because just like everyone else, deep knowledge of me brings wisdom. I am a facet of God/dess that no one else can ever show.

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Lilylight (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to Nimajneb and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Lilylight proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Lilylight told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Lilylight and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Lilylight understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Lilylight's ex, my former friend) contacted Lilylight again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does Nimajneb, my partner, think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Lilylight, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Lilylight is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Lily is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

too much sirisnes. need mor funnehs! an kyoots.


an I wil giv u dem!

( lolcats wif LUV THEEM )

notice:

I am training myself to use genderfree language, and specifically, gender-neutral pronouns. Disbelieving in gender is an important part of my worldview and I want it to be reflected in my language. ( further explanation of why ) I would prefer if you used genderfree pronouns in reference to me but I will be fine if you don't -- I know it is hard to remember. So for future reference, here in my LJ:

zir = her, his
ze = he, she
zirself = herself, himself

This is not a request for you to do the same (though that would thrill me), so if you don't like the idea, simply ignore this post. If it is going to intensely bother you to read, feel free to unfriend. mourningdoveava is my buddy in this journey, and ze will hopefully remind me if I slip up. ;-)

ETA: This is really just for me -- not to ignore physical differences, but to remind myself of their unimportance. I'm becoming the change I wish to see in the world. I'm not attempting to change anyone else's mind.

ETA #2: I am fully and completely comfortable with my sex -- I'm a girl, and I like it. I am a 'she.' But I see no reason to have my sex referred to in casual conversation. For me, being a girl is about having female body parts and that is it. And I don't wish to have my body parts referred to whenever someone speaks of me.

These gender-neutral terms are not an 'other,' they are inclusive. They're not for people who are other than male or female, they are for all people -- male, female, intersexed, transsexual. It is not meant to ignore or take away a person's sex; it is meant to speak of the person within the body. So if I call you 'ze' I am referring to the person that you are, without happening to mention your sex.

I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.

He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).

The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.

Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:

( dance, dance! let the spirit move you! )

After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing ( about the healing and the message from the speaker )

DISCLAIMER: this is my view. These are my beliefs. They are not based on any religion, though religions have planted seeds that sprouted into these beliefs. They cannot be 'right' or 'wrong' and I will not tolerate any such claims. Feel free to share how your beliefs differ or are the same, but approach with respect. (i.e.: "I think this" not "no, it is this way") This is an extremely sensitive and extremely intense part of my belief system, and careless words would be very hurtful.

spirit -- the way you connect to the divine.
        This is your core self, perfect and unable to be broken, corrupted, or changed in any way, because it is literally a part of the divine within you. This is where all healing comes from. Our spirit is in constant communication with the divine, but if our heart is closed we cannot sense our spirit, our soul, mind, and body cannot connect with the divine. Sometimes we need to connect with someone else in order to reach through our other layers and allow the divine to flow fully through our being. Prayer, sex, and energy healing help with this (and probably other things I don't have words for). Everyone has a perfectly beautiful spirit, but sometimes it is deeply hidden under layers of pain and cannot be easily seen -- and sometimes people are very wounded in heart or soul and treat us terribly, but we can still see their spirit and so we still love them. (that can be extremely confusing, because often all others can see is the hurtful outside, while you see the spirit -- and it's really hard to recognise that sometimes despite that connection, it is not the right time to be close to that person)

If you have a strong spirit connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
heart -- the way you connect to the world.
        This is where a person's spirituality is, how they emotionally understand their faith. This is like the iris of an eye -- it can change by opening up or closing, but otherwise stays the same. You can choose whether to open it or not, but if the soul is wounded the heart cannot shine through clearly even if it is open. It's the part of you that connects with the rest of creation -- people, animals, etc. It's where your own style of loving comes from.

When you have a strong heart connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
soul -- the way you interact with the world.
        I think this is where a person's personality (outward expression of self) is, how they approach challenges. This changes a lot as it matures. If it is wounded and not yet healed in a place, that place will be a dark spot where the heart and spirit cannot shine through.

When you have a strong soul connection with someone, ( ... )

------------
( mind & body )

I see spirit as this one universal thing that all created things are facets of (people, trees, animals, rocks, etc). Humans have additional non-physical parts; our individual hearts are wrapped around our spirit-facet, and then our soul is wrapped around that, and it is our soul that we bump into others with. I kinda see God/dess as this snakelocks anemone, and humans are special tentacles with two 'gloves' on, the heart and soul. We are unique in the same way each tentacle is unique, and we are all the same in the sense that we are all part of the same body, the universe. We are all extremely important because only by understanding fully every human and every created thing could one even begin to understand God/dess. At our core, our spirit, we DO understand everything fully, and I believe that when we die, we will "know fully, even as [we are] fully known" because our wounds/blocks will be gone, and our spirits will be able to shine through us completely, even into our minds. I believe we can do this in a limited way now -- we call it intuition, when our spirits speak and our mind hears. "Intuition allows one to draw on that vast storehouse of unconscious knowledge that includes not only everything that one has experienced or learned, either consciously or subliminally, but also the infinite reservoir of the collective or universal unconscious." (Frances E. Vaughan) Or basically, our intuition is our connection to God/dess, which is all things and therefore omniscient, and when we tap into it we can know anything that is known.

I see the ethereal parts -- spirit, heart, soul -- as colors. People who have like colors to me have a connection to me. For instance, I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, and I see Hannah with a lavender-violet spirit, so we have a strong spirit connection. I see my heart as spring green, and I see Lily with a minty-teal heart, so we have a very strong heart connection. I see my soul as bright scarlet, and I see Kat with an intensely red soul also, so we have a strong soul connection. Colors are the best way for me to understand these connections, because they don't fit into words, but you can get the gist of them by reading my description of the types of connections. (I also have ethereal connections with others, but I'm not going to list them all now because I want to make that into its own post)

thanks to Nick, Hannah, and Ava for inspiring me to FINALLY get this written.

Have there been any posts of mine that:
1) affected you in some way (fired you up, inspired you, brought about change in you), or
2) made you feel that you knew me a lot better?

If you describe it a little, I can find it. ('course, if you CAN give links that would be utterly fantastic) I'm doing a sort of project which I'll explain in my next post.

Comments screened to save me from embarrassment if no one replies, heh. ;-)

Please put yourself on my map, starting here: Username:

Poll #1166623 height
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

how tall are you? (in feet and inches please) (convert here)

in relation to me (I'm 5ft 4.5in = 163.5 cm), you are:

Poll #1166624 height
Open to: All, results viewable to: None

what city/state/country do you live in? (or a big city you live near, if you're uncomfortable sharing the city)

ETA: wow, so far I am surprised! it's funny how I get no idea of height from photos.

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* Poor Nimajneb (my partner, I'm spelling his name that way nowadays for reasons I'll explain later) was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

in response to dragonwine's long-ago asked question: "What is your personal view on gender in a sociological sense? Do you think gender, like sexuality, is fluid or not?"

I don't think it's fluid because I don't believe it exists. I think the physical sex characteristics of a body are irrelevant to the qualities, behaviors, attractions, etc., of the person living inside it.

I don't believe there is a such thing as a masculine or feminine quality (except as pertains to the body itself). Strong, weak, stoic, emotional, callous, sensitive, aggressive, submissive, repressed, expressive -- all of these are HUMAN qualities. And I find it extremely offensive when someone stereotypes them as masculine or feminine. The most commonly stereotyped quality, in my opinion, is compassion. (sometimes called 'sensitivity' or 'being pussy') The ability to feel someone else's feelings and understand their experience through that. It is stereotyped as a 'feminine' quality to the point where a person who is supposedly very wise and enlightened said that "the female is the source of genuine human compassion." I find that so. fucking. sickening! So men can't have compassion? what are they, monsters who care about no one else, doomed to selfishness forever because they made the mistake of being born into a male body? Or perhaps they are beggars, who can only come about compassion by being given it by a female. And what does this say about being female? that we are to be the source of all humans, while men give nothing? ARGH. Showing emotion is a part of compassion. Crying is often an expression of compassion for yourself or someone else, and this behavior is stereotyped as feminine. I could go on and on about every one of the qualities that is commonly stereotyped as being somehow related to genitalia. And then again, about behaviors/dress. With the exception of bras, there is no real reason for any difference in clothing due to sex. And then again, about attractions. Hello, it is not genitals that are attracted to genitals, it is a person who is attracted to a person.

This is why I am bisexual/queer. People generally come in two sexes, with the rare variation, and I am attracted to the spirit within a person. I find female, male, intersexed, and transsexual people equally attractive in the same way that I find slim and thick people equally attractive. Beauty is variety.

ETA: for a more structured explanation, read the userinfo of abolishgender. I agree with it completely.

ETA #2: in this post, by 'gender' I mean social/cultural categories, (stereotyped qualities, behaviors, dress, attractions), not physical sex characteristics (genitals, reproductive organs, hormones).

I'm polyamorous. For me, this means that I am open to multiple committed relationships, and I am open to sexual experiences (with my partners and with others) for the sake of the growth and connection that they offer.

Updated from my first post on polyamory: I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human experience of emotional and spiritual intimacy, a temporary blending into one being. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange, and it builds the bonds between you.

For me to have sex with a person, I need the following:

mutual love & respect

I believe sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. I see love and respect as inextricably connected. Respect recognizes oneself and the other person as having infinite worth, neither having more or less -- and I think when you see people that way you cannot help but love them.

mutual connection

This isn't easily definable, but roughly explained it is a sense that you are part of one another, bonded in some ethereal way. Both I and the other person would have to feel/recognise/believe in this.

similar view of sex

Both seeing sex as not only as a physical thing but also an instrument to increase growth and connection. And seeing sex as a co-creating project where both parties give and receive, both are active. Seeing sex as something that is not done TO someone, it is done WITH someone. I also don't think I could have sex with someone who wanted to include pain, restraints, objectifying, or any sort of command, as I don't find those things respectful. (I like wrestling/passionate pursuit -- just not anything that imitates force or coercion)

honesty & openness

honesty: telling the truth, refraining from lying or deceiving. and openness: sharing truth freely, without prompting.

the agreement of my partner(s)

( fairly self-explanatory but I explain anyway )

I used to see sex as something that needed the frame of a partnership, because I felt that sex was such an intense vulnerability that it needed the safety of mutual history, mutual goals, shared life that is not easily untangled. But now, I see sex as an opportunity for so much growth in love that it is worth the risk of being broken. And I feel like I have survived having my heart broken so many times that I can survive it again, and like all the times before, the brokenness will not be more than the joy and growth. If a broken heart is the payment for experiences of love-joy-connection, I am willing to pay.

So, sex is never casual to me, but I no longer feel that I need a lifelong commitment to explore it with someone. I see sex as the most spiritual act we can perform with our bodies -- I see it like prayer. It's magic -- it has the power to transform. And like prayer, sex that is done hastily without much thought does not have much creative power. But sex done with loving, conscious choice is possibly the most powerful thing in this realm of existence.