Plusses:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes the Bechdel test (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit

Minuses:

(2) violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect
(1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women love shoes, men are bad at emotion, etc.)
(1) affirms oppressions (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women are biologically designed & obligated to caretake, rape myths, etc.)
(1) primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
(1) main supporting character (or majority of ensemble cast) also white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, and neurotypical
(1) marginalized people rely on wmchfundnt to make their decisions
(1) villain a marginalized person while most other characters are not
(1) storyline about protagonists fighting "the strange other" with no explanation of the "other"'s intentions
(1) storyline about rescuing marginalized peoples without those peoples' input (without characters explaining the harm in that)
(1) kills off marginalized character first/only, with poor cause
(1) erasure (marginalized characters are not portrayed when the setting calls for them to be part of the story)

Examples!

A Little Bit of Heaven:

sex/gender: +6 (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (2) passes Bechdel (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity: +3 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
ableism/lookism: +4 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
=13
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 erasure
= +11 excellent storytelling

Arthur:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
= +4 good storytelling

Bad Teacher:

NO PLUSSES. Well, there might have been one point of subversive somewhere but I'm not rewatching to find it.
- 4 (1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline
-1 (1) affirms oppressions
= -5 BAD storytelling
there may also have been -2 for violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect, 'cause I think there was some fat-shaming but I think it was also counterbalanced? can't remember.

In the future I may explain my assignments in more thorough reviews, this is still in progress ;-)

I am ridiculously stressed right now. Partly due to unexplained physical pain, partly due to having a shitton of homework due in the next two days (which I had intended to do all tonight but now I think that is not going to happen), and partly due to missing Kylei already as I have not being really able to fully connect to zir because school is so intense right now, and a lot due to the fact that Thursday evening Kylei is leaving for ten days. I've spent some of this evening trying (and failing) to do schoolwork, most of it crying and trying to find ways to ease my physical pain (which, honestly, I think is just a reaction to stress). I'm now writing in an attempt to get past the lack of productivity and general upsetness. I just want to cuddle with Kylei and cry. and I want to feel better. And I don't want to do my homework.

*goes to attempt homework*

The other night I kissed someone and it blew me away. I've experienced kisses like that with people I was in love with, but never with someone I don't even really know. We kissed and I felt shifted out of time and when we stopped kissing I felt like I was re-entering this reality. And while we were kissing I felt zir feelings and they reflected in me and it built and got more intense and then I slowed it down and stopped because it was about to turn into sex for me and I was in the living room with other people around (who hadn't consented to sharing space with sex). But even though I'm usually nervous and super cautious about first sex, I think if other people hadn't been around I would not have even been connected enough to this reality to think that way. I don't think it would have turned actively stimulative (as in genital touch) but that's not necessary for my sex and I got the strong impression that it wasn't necessary for zirs either. I felt so perfectly in tune and unified. And before we kissed we had both talked about how we didn't want to start anything new, and while I still don't want to start a new romantic relationship right now, I'm incredibly fascinated and curious -- I want to know why it felt like that! I want to know how we connect, if it's just a body connection or if it's more than that. I am a little nervous about the idea of pursuing friendship because I'm concerned that I will start wanting more, but I can deal with that if it happens. And it's not like I have spare time!

Speaking of reality shifts, twice now I've accidentally tripped on stuff that does not cause reality shifts for other people. The experience I had was of a perception shift -- things were happening in dream reality, then as if I were watching a movie completely non-interactive, then as "real" reality, flipping rapidly like tree shadows as you drive by. I was existing in the space between all three, in the cracks of the universe. I could also feel all of my body but it felt alien and so I felt like my brain was lying to me about what was really happening; I felt actively disassociated. The first time was absolutely horrible because I didn't know if I would ever "get back" and I felt like no one could come with me and it was horribly lonely. The second time (I somehow thought the first time was a fluke -- nope!) I had a guide and there were people with me who were very connected with me and I could still feel their presence; it was still scary but I was much more equipped to handle the fear. The fear was about what is real; in dream reality it is okay to do things that in waking reality will hurt people and beings. I feared that I would cause harm to myself or others and I feared that my brain was making up a cover story to hide some horrible experience that "real" me was having. The first time, I happened to sit on a chocolate that then melted onto my leg and I was convinced that everyone was lying to me to make me feel okay about having shat myself. (that fear lasted days and three washes of my robe, which still smelled like chocolate afterward and finally convinced me that it was chocolate -- though I STILL have some doubt)

Those experiences have changed me in a profound way. My concept of reality was never very objective, and now is even more fluid. I have the ability to "shift out" and feel as if I am dreaming, which I think will serve me very well once I learn to use it to handle situations that cause me fear. I feel like I can use this to do serious work with fears I have. Because I think lots of the things I do in dreams I should be able to do in real life, like telling off sexists and racists. And I need to remember that it is okay to get in giant messes and I don't need to be living in constant avoidance of fucking up. I think my fear of physical harm is more than is rational; if my leg breaks I will probably be okay eventually, and if someone assaults me, I will probably live and recover. I cannot live as if one bruise will kill me. I need to take more risks if I want more miracles.

1) We practice body acceptance:

• This means that clothing is optional so if you want people to be clothed, ask ahead of time (and you may get a "no"). It also means that negative body comments will be corrected; you are perfect the way you are and so is everyone else.

2) We practice sharing:

• We want you to feel at home while you are here. Most things on the main level are for sharing; if something is a one-time-use item (like food or paper) then get permission before using.  If you use something, put it back in the same condition when you're done.

3) We practice eliminating stereotypes:

• We expect everyone to make mistakes and take them as an opportunity to learn rather than a slight on their character.
• Guests and residents are expected to be prepared and willing to be made aware of their privilege/prejudice.  EVERYONE has privilege/ignorance/prejudice they need to work on.
• If you hear something that is exclusionary, prejudiced, or ignorant, please speak up if you can and point it out.  If you can't, please talk to a resident about it and we'll try to address the issue.

4) We practice maintaining safe space:

• Intentionally prejudiced or violent language/behavior is not allowed, whether serious or as a "joke."  This means threats of violence are not okay ("joking" or not), saying things to make people feel excluded or inferior (on purpose) is not okay, hitting or threatening to hit is not okay, yelling at people is not okay, calling names is not okay, making "jokes" that rely on the 'inferiority' of a group/person are not okay, rape "jokes" (including rape as slang for mild suffering) are not okay. 
• You're not expected to remember this list but you are expected to stop immediately if someone calls you on breaking safe space. (arguing that this language/behavior is acceptable is also breaking safe space). If you are not willing to do that, you are not welcome here.

5) We practice resolving upsetness:

• if something upsets you, assume good intentions and share your feelings without judging or blaming. If someone is upset by you, empathize and explain before problem-solving.

6) We practice being honest and open:

• we are not here to avoid conflict but to make conflict creative. If you are feeling or thinking something upsetting, please try to express it kindly and frankly.

7) We practice comforting each other:

• If someone says "I'm hurt," all of the willing & able people are encouraged to offer a group hug, throw kisses, or otherwise express care. This includes expressing care to a person who feels hurt by being called out on their stereotyping or unsafe behavior; however it is not a substitute for discussion, nor are people obligated to give comfort.

8) We practice radical consent in cuddles and sex:

• all people involved are both desiring AND consciously choosing to share touch.  Ask first! get a definite yes (either verbally or non-verbally) before continuing. Before beginning genital or other overtly sexual touch, either get consent of others in the room or move to a more private space.

9) We practice consent for sharing space:

• Before inviting people over, discuss it with the people who live in that space! Guests, ask a resident, and make sure your invitees are aware of the house agreements. Residents, tell the residents that might be affected by your guests.

10) If you have a need, please express it to a resident if you can:

• We want to be accommodating if possible (for instance, if you are feeling socially anxious but not wanting to leave, we can provide quiet alone space).

11) DO NOT THROW AWAY PLASTIC CONTAINERS!!!

• Recycle what can be recycled, and if you don't want to wash out the item, leave it and James will wash it.

Oh this is a good feeling. Reconnecting with myself, falling in love with myself again. I'm crying with joy right now, a sense of reunion, of finally breaking through. I lost myself somewhere in the loss of Carol (the death of someone I loved, the first time I had experienced that) and the loss of the first place that I felt was truly MINE (a place I had built my tribe in) and the loss of my car Sylvia (who was truly home to me -- so many memories in that car! so many people and places, so many tears and kisses) and I think also to some extent in the people I was/am loving. Expectations and fears wrapped me in a horrid little cocoon of stasis. I had forgotten my relationship with myself, had sacrificed my own values for the care of others, and had hemmed in my own behavior for fear of loss. It's so easy for me to do that, and I wish it wasn't. I need to remind myself to adventure on my own, to invest in myself, to do things alone. I need to remember that magic can exist between me and the broader universe, and not just in the affirmative connections with other humans. I am the creator of me. I can be that self again, I can walk on a carpet of my own curling, growing life. I can -- and must -- find unfiltered nourishment, straight from source.

I got caught up in the magic of community and forgot the magic of solitude. A single evening reading feminist writings and listening to music in the newly created self-extension of my room (which isn't even complete yet!) has brought it back for me. Community was a new magic, a potent one, and I filled my life with it until there was nothing else. Then situations made it difficult to get community and I had forgotten any other way, so I got hungrier and weaker until I accidentally created solo magic again and oh, relief.

I have been painfully busy this week. Today I just sat on the floor in my old room and looked around and wanted to cry and give up. There wasn't even that much there, I just felt so unable to do the organizing and the deciding. This move has been the hardest for me, emotionally, for a lot of reasons. I had actually bonded with the Maxwell House; it was the first place I've ever lived that really felt like MINE. I'm starting to love Freeflow but it's not home yet, and all of my art is still on the walls at the Maxwell House... I also felt sad because I felt less supported (number-of-people-wise) than I had in previous moves. Also I moved the big/heavy things before even packing my altar, and that was a huge mistake. Having to sleep in one house with my altar active in the other is like having my body split from my spirit. Kyle helped me get started packing it (handing me things one by one as I wrapped them, because I just could not do it alone), and I brought it home tonight.

That intense discomfort made me more aware and I've realized some things. I feel like Sekhmet-Mut has just become active in my life. I've had a figure of zir for a long time now, but just out of admiration, not out of a sense of zir presence -- I knew the statue wasn't of Bast but I didn't know who ze was. But I feel strongly that ze wants to be active in my life in this house specifically, and I feel like it has to do with the intent of this house's agreements. I also feel like the agreements are in alignment with Ma'at and that pleases me deeply. I also feel a heaviness at the idea of trying to be true continuously and not just re-direct when things start going wrong. I feel I have swung the pendulum too far within myself and I have faith that it will settle to a less scary place, but it will take time. Also, I used my sistrum for the first time in a VERY long time today and realized that I need to perform more active practice; it's a need that I too easily ignore. Also also I anointed myself with an oil that is sacred to me and was incredibly relieved to find that it smells the same; it is many many years old and scented oils are not made to last, especially in a container with a permeable (cork) lid. But I feel it has remained vibrant through being on my altar.

I'm so exhausted. I experienced my first dear-to-me death last week, and went to the wake last Sunday... I am still processing this; it was shocking to me because I didn't know ze was so ill. What do you do when the person just isn't there to talk to anymore? The wake was a powerful experience and I want to write about it but I'm just too wiped. I just need a shower (the hot water is not on here yet!) and to be able to sleep and then lounge all day, without any more fretting or deadlines or losses, for just a day. I'm hoping Sunday will be that day...

In the poly community there is a lot of talk about jealousy. The first question monogamous people ask when they learn one is poly is "don't you get jealous?" or some variety of that. But there are so many definitions of jealousy -- it's usually used to mean "some kind of negative emotion about your lover's relationship with someone else." I define it much more strictly -- in my mind, jealousy is wanting someone all to yourself. I don't see that as something that can be negotiated -- it exists completely within the one feeling it, and only they can change their attitude on that (to be talked about, yes, but I don't know of a way that another person can help someone want to share). Other things that are called jealousy I call fear, loneliness, envy, threat, or disconnection -- and those things belong to everyone connected and are best to negotiate, in my opinion.

Fear can manifest as fear of losing the relationship, fear of becoming less important, fear of not being as awesome as the other lover(s), (and I am sure there are others). These fears can be negotiated by simple reassurance and affection; it takes the other person sincerely saying, "yes I love you just as much, yes I want our relationship, yes you are awesome." This fear can go away with time, but it goes away MUCH faster if it is confessed and given a balm of reassurance. It also helps for a person to be proactive in telling the fearful one these things (especially in times of instability).

Loneliness can manifest very easily if people have differing demands on their intimate/connected time; for instance, if person A is only intimate with person B and person B has three other intimate relationships, person A is looking to person B for 100% of their emotional fulfillment, but even if person B is willing to privilege that relationship, they CANNOT give person B 100% of their emotional support while dating others. This one is hardest when moving from an equal ratio (both dating the same number of people) to an unequal one, because the person with less relationships is getting less time and feels this as a loss. Even though the responsibility for working through this emotion rests on the one having it, I feel it is best handled together, because there is a grieving process. It may not be a harmful loss, but it is a loss. Having been in that place, the only way I know to handle the loss of time is to fill my new time with other people and activities; use it to explore, and most of all resist the urge to punish myself for being "unwanted" by removing myself from social things. Even though I knew logically that me getting less time with my lover didn't mean I was less wanted, I still had a tendency to feel that way. How my lover helped me through my loneliness was to give me small pockets of intense connection -- so although I had less time with zir, I didn't feel that I lost intimacy.

Envy is one people get confused with jealousy the most, because it looks the most alike. Envy is when you want someTHING that someone else is getting, but not to exclude others from also having that thing. I feel envy when my lover has an interaction with someone that I want and feel I am lacking -- this rarely happens for me because I tend to be very vocal about my desires for particular kinds of interactions, but with people who are less vocal or less aware of their desires I think it happens more often. For me this one is very easy to fix. I remember once Kyle went thrifting with someone after I had been trying to plan a thrifting outing with Kyle for weeks (with many fails) and I was very envious and hurt about it; after we talked I found out that Kyle had thought that the fails were a lack of interest on my part and the hurt went away, and then we planned an outing (with the understanding that it was a strong desire for both of us) and the envy went away.

Threat (verbiage created by Eanox) is when there is an element that could be destructive to the relationship itself; what makes something a threat varies by the intent of the relationship. With mine, things that create threat are lies, secrets, unwillingness to be civil with me, controlling or manipulative behavior, intense self- or other-destruction, pervasive disrespect, or intense energy consumption (when my lover is with a person who is so in need or unconsciously grasping that they start draining my energy through my lover). I've experienced things that felt like threat which turned out to be misunderstandings, and have only a few times experienced genuine threat. My method of handling feeling threatened is to first of all find out if it IS really threat through talking with my lover and their other person; usually it will go away in this process. And if it is genuine threat, I have to figure out what I need to do to keep myself safe. If a relationship is damaging ME, indirectly or not, I have to put up boundaries which in an extreme case would mean ending my relationship.

There's another element that I've learned looks like jealousy, and that is disconnection. I don't know if other people experience this, because it seems very weird to most when I talk about it. But when I am deeply connected to someone, I feel that connection as a living vessel between us, and I work to keep that energy flowing all the time. Sometimes through upsetness or mental distraction or whatever, that vessel gets pinched closed or the flow slows to a trickle, and I experience this as pain. My reaction to this is to express that I am feeling it and request a moment or two of intense connection to get it flowing freely (or, if necessary, have a discussion to remove whatever is pinching the vessel). Consciously maintaining this connection is something I want for an intimate relationship; if I cannot have it with someone, I do not have a desire to have an intimate relationship with them.

I think it's important that people be able to look at their own emotion and figure out what it really is, because I think that if that feeling of jealousy is conflated with all these other things and the responsibility is assigned solely to the one feeling "jealousy," resentments grow and intimacy decreases. I tend to look at most emotions within a relationship as things to be shared and negotiated, because that turns them from possibilities for person A's growth to possibilities for growing person A AND person B AND the relationship itself.

We're moving into a new place in about a week and I'm brainstorming on house agreements (which will then be discussed with others to modify/add/subtract).  Here's what I have so far:

( House Agreements )

It's been a long time since I turned to my LJ because I couldn't talk to anyone else. But I didn't pay the phone bill yesterday (spaced on not having 30 days) and now the site is down for maintenance, so I can't call anyone and I feel SO GROSS. also lonely. This is not something that needs attending to, but it is something that needs expression.

The past three days have been a nonstop studying writing barely-sleeping blob. I pushed and pushed through because tonight was going to be so great but now I feel sickly and I'm lonely and it might last until tomorrow as everybody is busy (except maybe Abby, whose bedtime is in 15 minutes). I just really really want some cuddles :-(

Also I just napped and had two dreams -- one about this incredible computer game with plant people (that I would wish existed except that if it did I would have no external life), and one about my first date with Taz (which hasn't happened yet). In part of that one, I pooped in a toilet in the middle of a coffeehouse, got up and wiped, talking about how strange it was (but I couldn't figure out why it felt strange, it seemed like something I had done a million times) -- the wiping specifically. Taz was like, "what. I don't get why you're weirded out, but okay."

bleh.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

There's not a good word for me to call the people I'm romantic with. This only bugs me when I'm wanting to be "out" about a relationship without a long explanation or any problematic words. "Girl/boyfriend" is gendered, "partner/spouse" to me implies lifelong-shared-goal-commitment, "lover/amour/paramour" sounds like it's just a fling or like it's cheating, "significant other" is clinical and feels distancing, and almost all of these imply that they are the only one. Obviously words that imply hierarchy are out (like "primary"). I actually quite like calling someone my person, but that also implies "only," and it sounds possessive to some people. I think I'm going to have to just resign myself to saying "lover" or "live-in lover" (and letting the polyness show itself?) and hoping I can change the connotation, because calling someone I'm romantic with a "friend" feels like a lie, but the others are worse.

Suggestions? particularly for words that imply "one of" instead of "only" without sounding like one doesn't have individual connection? Obscure words (IF they are non-gendered and non-cheaty) are very welcome.

Oh my Godde. Being around Adi is fucking intoxicating -- I was at a group dinner for a friend's birthday and was just sitting next to Adi and talking and by the end of two hours I was half-dancing and I've been hyper for the nearly THREE HOURS since I left. I don't know how I am going to manage between now and 1pm on Saturday (when I see zir next).

Also I'm ridiculously lustyyyyyyyy.

Also I'm pretty fucking excited about the 3-person date we have planned Saturday -- me, Kyle, and Adi :D

Also I can't stop bouncing around.

*flails*

The way I do relationships falls into two categories: people I commit time to, and people I share time with when it's available. I'm currently in four or five romantic relationships, depending on how you define them. I emotionally commit very easily and intensely, so my relationships aren't arranged by how much I care about a person. They're arranged first by how I've made commitments, and then by how much I want to see the person and how available they are. With those I do not have time-commitments to, I will make plans if they request it but I do not make it a priority to plan that.

Kyle is the only one I am currently in a time-committed relationship with. This means is that I arrange my schedule first to make sure that I get at least one block of alone time with zir every week, because I feel that this is necessary to maintain the kind of connection I want with zir. Until recently, Abby was also a time-committed relationship and because ze had a more rigid schedule, ze got first pick of time, but I was equally committed to getting that time with each of them (we ended the time-committed aspect because Abby simply didn't have the time or energy, but it is a possibility for the future).

The reason I make some relationships time-committed is that I want to maintain a steady level of intense connection. I want to know everything that happens in their life, I want them to know everything that happens in mine; I want to be completely open, completely known and completely understanding. (not that those are fully reachable but I hold them as goals) That requires a lot of time and energy, so I cannot give it to everyone I love; with the others that I love, I move into intense connection with them when I am with them, but allow gaps in connection.

For me, romantic, sexual, and non-romantic/sexual relationships exist in both time-committed and non-time-committed categories. At this point I am only willing to have time-committed relationships with people who are soulfriends with me (romantic/sexual/neither doesn't matter). Hannah (in Belgium) would also be a time-committed relationship if ze lived nearby, though our relationship is not romantic/sexual, and the same goes for my little sister (in New Orleans), and most likely for Aurilion (in North Carolina) [that one would most likely be romantic/sexual]. I don't have the time or energy required to do time-commitment or soulfriendship over long-distance at this point.

There are some ways that my relationship with Kyle could be considered primary; we don't share finances but we do share and lend money between us often, we live together and intend to keep doing that for as long as we can, we both intend to keep our relationship at its current level of intensity (or more) for the rest of our lives (and I actually do see that happening), and we plan to make ceremonial agreements to each other at some point (and possibly raise children, if the right circumstances line up). But in terms of priority it's different. If there is a case of conflict of priorities for me, whoever has greater need comes first. If I have two lovers who are both in strong need, then they will have to share my person and my space in order for me to be there for them. There is some amount of connection level that enters into that, but usually people will not ask for me to support them unless there is a great need or we're very close. However, Kyle is a very sensitive person, and experiences a lot of crises, so Kyle does generally take more of my support-time than most people would (which has caused conflict with other lovers in the past).

As far as one relationship harming another, I don't prioritize fixing one over the other, but if the only solution is to end one of the relationships, it's going to be the one that is causing more harm (I don't use longevity or role to decide). I'll only maintain relationships that are focused on growth and compassion and provide both parties with sufficient nourishment; my relationship with Kyle tends to be more growthful, compassionate, and nourishing than others so I think it is likely that in a conflict I would end the other relationship, but that is a function of the effect of the relationship, not the role. My goals with my polyness is to maintain conscious choice for that which is growthful, nourishing, and compassionate.

ohmigodde. Long, incredibly intimate, surprisingly connate talks about deities and religion and sex and relationships and gender and race. Incredible kisses that fucking intoxicated me. Close sweet cuddles. So many smiles and so much joy. Also a mark on my shoulder that feels like a living spark. I am so intensely excited about this <3

also I am too exhausted to write more right now.

Lately I've been seriously struggling with rejection -- the last five or so people I expressed romantic interest in did not feel the same way. I find it difficult in general to initiate romance with people and I feel like I've experienced this as a setback -- even though individually it all makes sense and I certainly don't resent anyone for not returning my feelings, I irrationally feel like it's a pattern and it somehow means that I am undesirable to people, especially female or femme folk. I fret that I am too femme-looking or too bold, and people are either attracted to one or the other of those but not both -- and I feel like the queer community values female butchness and male femmeness over other expressions. (while I don't dress to appear feminine, the self-decorations I choose are stereotyped as femme, so...) I fret that I'm just not physically attractive -- even though I like how I look, I want to be appealing to people that I am attracted to, and when they express that they appreciate my mental/emotional self but aren't interested in romance with me, I feel like that means that there must be something wrong with my physical self. I had a resurgence of discomfort with my fatness this year, after years of being totally happy with it. And it's persisting, though decreasing now. I think that has to do with lack of body-positive community nowadays; I can't resist internalizing without conscious dissent. (I realized this when I felt happier just reading about a fat-activist group called "Pretty, Porky, and Pissed Off") I need to be doing more modeling -- that's such a good way for me to connect with my body and appreciate it as perfect within itself.

So now I feel scared of expressing any interest, because I'm just getting over the string of disappointments, and more disappointment feels like it would be really harmful for me right now. But I want to explore new interests, and I don't want to be letting fear tell me what to do, and I want to practice seeking out my own interests instead of passively responding. So I'm torn.

A new development that I am verrrry excited about is this twice-monthly gather that I've started hosting. I call it intimacy practice night. ( Here's the description: )

I'm super excited about intimacy practice because after just ONE TIME I can already feel the shift in myself and in my relationships with the people who attended the first one. I went into the first one thinking it would help me get to know people, but probably wouldn't stretch me, and I was surprised by how much it DID stretch me. After two hours we took a pause and during that time I realized that I felt incredibly vibrant and nourished, then when we did the last hour I experienced a decided step outside my comfort zone. I shared something in spite of the fact that I was worried it would make people feel judged or unappreciated, and it was received with kindness and understanding. I felt incredibly relieved and it really helped me to move forward emotionally in that area. I feel like this is a really good way of building my connections with people and everyone else seemed to appreciate it and be excited about continuing. I feel rather stunned at how gloriously lucky I am to have so many people not just willing but eager to practice intimacy and openness with me and with each other.

Also KSU now has a queer group on campus -- Non-Normative Anti-Assimilationists -- which I've helped create! I'm a board member for the group, which is brand new -- we just had our second member meeting yesterday. I'm also incredibly excited about this, for three reasons -- 1) queer community yay! 2) real change! I never would have thought to form a student organization with the intent of changing the school (working within) but Angie and Gaius and Laura did, and now I'm aware of all kinds of opportunities to make KSU more inclusive. 3) intersectionality. I really can't express my delight with that enough. I'm so sick of listening to people who are anti-prejudice in some way be willfully ignorant about all other forms of oppression -- that is not the case here. Calling people out on unrealized privilege is in the agreement one has to make to be part of the group; I'm planning on taking some of that agreement that we made and incorporating it into house rules, with the input of my housemates of course. ( the safe space agreements for N/A* )

Speaking of intersectionality, this is a must-read: MY FEMINISM WILL BE INTERSECTIONAL OR IT WILL BE BULLSHIT! Yes, the caps are appropriate. Re-reading this this afternoon was balm to my soul after hearing some anti-racists be smugly sexist today. It also helps after queers are ableist or feminists are racist. ALL aspects of oppression need to be dealt with and if you say it is okay to overlook any of them, I call bullshit.

This started as a comment to someone asking for people's thoughts on cultural appropriation, and I've edited it a little to share here.

I think the Native Appropriations blog explains it best. Native Americans have been so terribly abused by the US, and continue to be abused now -- they suffer the worst poverty with the least aid, the US occupies/mines land that by US law belongs to Native peoples, Native women are the most raped group of all US women (with little legal recourse), Native people suffer the most from unemployment when the economy suffers, etc. As a non-Native person, one benefits from that abuse whether they want to or not -- the US government robs from Native peoples to give to "real americans" and if Native peoples lose their jobs first that financially benefits everyone who is non-Native, etc. So wearing "native" dress (in quotes because usually what non-Native people wear is not actually Native dress) highlights one's ignorance about the experiences of Native people and gives the impression (usually correct) that one is ignorant about or ignoring the suffering of Native people. And it is disrespectful to take from someone's culture without understanding the significance of that item, at the very least.

This is not to say that I don't think there is any legitimate way for non-Natives to use/appreciate Native art, or that I think cultures should never mix; I don't believe culture is static or can be truly 'owned.' But I think there is no respectful way to do that WITHOUT self-educating on the suffering that Native peoples face and trying to change that. I do not know what the respectful way would be, but I know the usual way is extremely disrespectful. One cannot say that they are showing respect or honor if they are ignoring the very real, very present suffering of the people they are supposedly "honoring."

where does it end? I think it begins where there is a history of oppression and genocide, especially when that oppression is still very much in practice. Where that is not the case, I don't think there is a clear-cut right and wrong, but the real question is what are you looking for? Are you wanting to see what you can get away with without being scolded by your friends? or are you wanting to know how your actions/dress/etc affect the people from whom you are culturally borrowing? 'cause that's the real question. It is a gross expression of privilege to decide whether or not an oppressed group's objections are legitimate or "silly." It was "pointless/silly" for people of color to want to learn to read and it was "oversensitive" for women to object to sexual harassment, until they had enough of a voice that the dominant class couldn't help but hear. If you can't relate to a group's "silly, oversensitive" objections, educate yourself, listen, stop thinking about what you "should be allowed" to do and start thinking about what your actions mean to groups that do not have your privilege.

It's upsetting to me that I haven't been really writing about the events of my life. So much is happening all the time, I'm so full of change, and I won't be able to read through my journal to remember it. I also haven't been editing photos; not for MONTHS -- and then I got depressed, as I can see by the lack of photos even taken. I've been spreading myself too thin, not saving enough energy for me. It's difficult, because I love spending time with those I care about, but if it's too much time, or if I leave it feeling drained, then it becomes harmful. I need to find ways to write more, to talk with friends more, to edit photos more. It's also difficult because I feel like I can't share conflicts here -- even with people who have said it is okay with them, I fear that they are going to react the way that others have and be very upset with me about it. But I need to push past that. I need to stop putting that fear above my need to be open about my own feelings and my own process. I'm going to try and write every day for a while, even if it is something small. I don't see another way to get back into the habit.

Also, I have decided that 5pm to 7pm (EST) on Thursdays is Belenen-gchat-social-time. If you'd like to be more in contact, IM me then and we'll talk.

I was in that place of many rivers in the middle of forest with Kyle -- I don't remember how we got there but I know we traveled to this place and think we were camping. There were quite a few people wandering around and Kyle and I were preparing our wings (which worked like the "sky dancers" toys) to go skimming down a river, and Kyle started talking to this person who neither of us had met before. They were connecting in a very calm and deep way (the 'calm' is very unusual for Kyle) and I felt deeply connected to both of them, even though I hadn't interacted with that person before. I continued doing what I was doing (Kyle left the task in the middle) and when I finished I walked up to them. The person (who had very short dark brown hair, was strong-looking without defined muscles, had small breasts, and was only wearing something around zir waist) was kneeling with zir palms on the ground (which was wet and mossy), eyes closed, and Kyle had zir arms wrapped around this person's waist while sitting behind zir, leaning on zir a little, humming. I reached out and stroked the person's bare shoulders, and ze shivered and I felt relief and increased connection emanate from zir. I felt a very deep unity with both of them and was very disappointed when the phone woke me up.

I wish I remembered more of the dream because this one felt like a dream-meeting. I feel like this person will come into our lives fairly soon, probably before next winter.

Places I wanna go (this is going in my sidebar and shall be continuously updated) NOT in order of desire:

( short trip: )
( day trip: )
( looong trip: )

NRE (new relationship energy) is this thing you hear about a lot in poly circles -- it's accepted as fact that when you start a new relationship, you get more energy out of it. You get excited and giddy and have the ability to sink tons of energy into the new relationship without feeling drained because there's so much NRE coming in. And then it fades, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I think that's total bullshit. I don't believe in NRE. What people call NRE is actually IFE -- intimate focus energy. The giddiness, excitement, high-nourishment state is not caused by novelty, and does not have to dissipate with time. It gets associated with newness because in the beginning of a relationship there is a lot of fear and anxiety -- fear of losing this person, anxiety about making mistakes, etc -- and that gets channeled into focusing intensely on the other person (Abby coined the term "fear-spark" to describe this :D). You watch their every move because you're trying to figure out how to interact with them in a safely intimate way, and BECAUSE you're watching their every move, you're enchanted by them. Everyone is amazing if you look closely enough. Then, when you know them well enough to feel safely intimate, you stop looking so closely, and you stop noticing their amazingness. You take them for granted, because you can. And you call that the end of NRE and assume it is a natural phase of relationships. It's common, but it is NOT inevitable and it is NOT biological (and I would really like to destroy the idea that those two things are synonymous).

People tend to feel very intimate and safe with me quickly. I like that in and of itself but I don't like the fact that it usually has the effect of intimate focus ending on the part of the other person. I remember near the beginning of my relationship with Arizona, ze told me that ze felt very comfortable with me and I was very disappointed to hear that, expecting it to end the giddy excitement between us. It didn't, I think because Arizona already saw IFE as a process to engage in, not a fickle self-creation.

It wasn't until the past few weeks that I finally found the words to explain this -- previously I'd frustratedly concentrated on the symptoms, saying that I need intimate focused time in order to be romantic with someone. I finally realized that it's not just about lacking that intimate focus time, it's about the attitude that people have about whether romantic giddy high-nourishment can be created or whether it "just happens." If they don't think it can be created then they won't see the lack of it as a symptom that there is not enough intimate focus in the relationship. I cannot be in a romantic relationship without IFE, not because I'm "just in it for the excitement", but because I value that intimate focus, and I know it can be created any amount of time into the relationship. ( ways of creating it )

Here's the poll for this week of LJ Idol -- I used my second bye because I couldn't gather enough thought to write an entry on "bupkis." But others came up with some awesome stuff.

( recommended reading )

If you liked my post how Hannah taught me to keep compassion in my anger, please drop in and vote for me in this poll:

put a check next to my name HERE!

( recommendations (in order of their spot on the voting page) )

A world where Hannah and I were never friends is inconceivable for me. But even more so, myself without the changes Hannah has inspired in me; most importantly, how ze taught me to keep compassion in my anger.

My earliest education in how to be angry involved yelling, throwing things, calling names, breaking things, and generally trying to hurt the person one was angry at. Through my first romantic relationship I learned how to refrain from those things, and I thought I was really good at being angry without being a jerk. But then Hannah and I had our first fight. I was very angry and I did not want to hurt Hannah, so I withdrew into coldness and silence, trying to dissolve my anger before interacting. Hannah got very upset with me about this, which baffled me. Here I was, not attacking, restraining myself, trying to avoid being mean, and it wasn't enough? what more could ze possibly want?

We talked about it for some hours, and ze tried to explain to me that one could be angry and compassionate/kind at the same time -- that ze practiced this with zir partner Nick. I didn't even believe zir at first, because in my mind anger was the opposite of love, and they could not coexist. But when I saw how upset ze was, I realized that even though I was trying very hard not to hurt zir, my methods were doing just that. So I opened myself up to the possibility that one could be angry and compassionate at the same time. I asked how ze did it, and I do not remember any more what ze responded -- but it took root, grew and became an inextricable part of me. I didn't even realize this until I found myself getting upset with people for how they treated me when they were angry. In trying to articulate why, I verbalized how it is that I try to act when I am angry.

1) hold off on getting angry; assume good intentions. Most of the time, the anger is coming from a misinterpretation of someone else's behavior; first ASK what their motives are. Don't jump straight from "they did this" to "and that means BAD THINGS." Take a pause in the middle and ask. In my experience, the vast majority of the time people are not trying to hurt me. Most of the time they are missing some key information or understanding that would have prevented my upsetness.

2) treat them as a whole person; don't turn them into a cardboard cut-out labeled "enemy." Don't ignore or discount the good, even if they have been a total shithead for the past day and a half. Remind yourself of previous kindnesses, things that contradict the statement their actions seem to be making to you.

3) listen and empathize. Being understanding of their reasons does not invalidate your own pain. I used to refuse to empathize because I thought if I did, the other person would take that as proof that my suffering wasn't really that bad, or would ignore my suffering because they hurt too. But through practice I learned that it is possible to give compassion AND receive it in a situation of hurt on both sides.

4) don't disconnect. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to stay emotionally connected to someone who is hurting you, but it's a hell of a lot easier to rebuild afterward if you haven't severed bonds. I can understand when people do this because it is instinctual, but I believe it is the more damaging route. For me, at least, it definitely is.

I can't even imagine myself without these practices. Not that I'm always true to them; sometimes I need to be called out on my turning-people-into-cutouts, for sure -- but I do usually manage to follow #1 and avoid anger all together. But they are so much a part of my personhood that without them, I cannot conceive of the kind of person I would be.

If you liked my post narcissism keeps people racist, please drop in and vote for me in this poll:

put a check next to my name HERE!

( recommendations (in order of their spot on the voting page) )

So last week I got an invite to a local queer party called "PocaHotAss," with a description encouraging people to dress up as "pilgrims and indians." I responded saying that it was racist,* and an explosion of reactions followed. Someone saw it and shared it with the Atlanta queer community, and a group of us posted trying to explain why it was racist and harmful, offering educational resources (and for the most part, remaining very civil). Responses ranged from "but my _____ friends [of color] think it's funny and aren't offended" to "stop name-calling! we're not racist!" to 'jokes' about gambling, drinking, and infected blankets. At that point we decided to get more active and notified local press as well as contacting the vendors, venue, and supporters of the event. After some of the vendors and supporters left the event, the event planners started listening a little more -- offering an official "apology" and changing the theme and name of the event. But privately they kept making jokes about the dissenters (including Native Americans who protested against this mockery of their culture) -- so while our efforts stopped the party from being racist, it didn't seem to have much effect on the individuals. In fact, many of the individuals seemed to get more virulent about their racism.

Here's an example of how I tried to explain: "Racist" does not mean "hateful" -- it means having power over people of other races and believing in stereotypes (prejudice). As a person with white privilege, I was given power and taught prejudice. Unlearning prejudice and working against my unfairly-given power is a lifelong task. Privilege is not a choice. There are different kinds of privilege, sure, and you can have white privilege without having male, non-disabled, heterosexual, cisgender, neurotypical (etc) privilege, but that doesn't change the fact that the system gives you privilege whether you want it or not. Privilege is automatically connected with passing as white, regardless of what you want or how you identify; you're going to get more of the good stuff and less of the bad.

I think most of these people have the capacity to understand, but their narcissism is blocking it. They're more concerned with looking in the mirror and seeing someone "good" (which means, among other things, "not racist") than they are with actually BEING good -- which means, among other things, actually working on their racism. I've seen again and again, people show amazing compassion in some cases, yet when confronted with the fact that their actions were hurting people, be so resistant to seeing themselves as "bad" that they caused more harm and showed no compassion at all. The compassionate response would be to say "these people are being hurt and it hurts no one to create a new theme, so let's do that." It's not the effort that stopped people; it's their unwillingness to see themselves as racist and/or products of society.

* if you don't understand why, here are some resources:
Open Letter to the PocaHotties and Indian Warriors this Halloween ::: Of Warrior Chiefs and Indian Princesses: The Psychological Consequences of American Indian Mascots ::: "my culture is not a trend" tumblr ::: a short intro to the understanding of white privilege ::: "Playing Indian" by Professor Philip J. Deloria ::: "Myths America Lives By" by Richard T. Hughes ::: "Racism Without Racists" by Eduardo Bonilla-Silva

I definitely need help this week -- so many people took a bye or left my poll group. If you liked my post lasting leavings, please drop in and vote for me in this poll:

put a check next to my name HERE!

( recommendations )

There was a time when I wrote lots of poetry and was really active in a poetry forum, and one of my favorite people there was XristiM. Ze inspired me so much, and I loved zir writing SO much. Ze died December 2006, and I've missed zir since. It's archived in a few places but I feel worried that it won't continue to be so I'm saving ( a few pieces here )

And more are archived here. I miss XristiM so much -- ze inspired me so much and encouraged my writing as it was, so new and so clumsy. And I felt like ze was someone I could turn to for life advice, though I think I just learned indirectly through zir poetry instead. It was nine years ago that I called zir friend... wow. And I miss everyone else from White Crow Poetry Exchange (which, before then, was Moontown Cafe and before that something I cannot remember the name of) -- Gabriel, ezra7, vixenecstasy, fisherac, shrinkwrapped, Mark Thomas, ecrivan, inamind, indigomarie, ChristyCloud, gardnercarson, foreverbrokenbyshadows, carndo, Kethry, prismcrow, Sandy Reynolds, pilgrimage, lady ostara, juanita, injara, cleospid, poetessa, others -- it was such a thriving community. That was my home in the great green void, pre-LJ. I miss it! LJ Idol feels a little like that for me, seeing writing from people I originally read from years ago, but I never gave it the sort of undivided attention that I gave WCPE.

You know that you're an abstract thinker when you learn that the prompt is "coprolite (fossilized animal dung)" and the first thing that comes to mind is "What if all the impact I leave is in my byproducts?"

What if none of my words survive, and only my acts have lasting effect? What if I die, and to learn about me people can only examine indirectly? I don't often think about what people would think of me after I die, but if I did, I imagined they'd learn directly, from my own words. What other "leavings" do I have?

I don't think I can really figure that out. But I know what I hope. I hope that as I interact with people, they examine their prejudices more. (if I'm wishing, I wish that they would be incited to learn about prejudice and work fiercely against it in themselves and in the world) I hope that they're inspired to be more honest and open, to value true connection over appearing admirable. I would hope that they would care more for the earth; recycle, consume fewer resources, hug trees. I would hope that they would not let injustice pass uncontested. I would hope that they ask questions instead of assuming. What I hope is that I will pass my values on, and that they last.

While I was writing this entry (sitting in the social sciences building of my school), a classmate came over, sat next to me, and engaged me in conversation.

"So are you, like, an advocate?"
"ehhh, it depends on your definition I guess. If I see something that seems to be an injustice to me, I'll speak up -- if I can find the words." (I think of an advocate as someone with significantly more eloquence and boldness than I have)

Ze notices the "Queer: Bold or daring; brave; original; unrestrained by existing ideas or conventions; uninhibited." sticker on my laptop and says, "so... what's... are you...?"
and I laugh and say, "I'm queer."
"what does that mean?"
"well, queer is an umbrella term that refers to everyone who is not just straight -- I'm an equal opportunity queer." (Ze still looks confused) "I don't care what shape people's bodies are, just WHO they are."
"Oh."

At that point I realize I have an opportunity to find out what a "normal" person's impression of me is, so I ask if ze read me as queer before (ze said no, just as a hippie 'cause of the tie dye), and I ask what zir general impression of me was. Ze said I seemed nice and not-shy (because I speak up in class) -- I dunno what "nice" meant to zir but ze went on to explain that ze admires that and tries to be a nice person, and said "maybe you can be an advocate for me and help me learn to be nice." I laughed happily and thought that that's pretty much what I want to do with my life.

if you liked my post on being asked for help , please drop in and vote for me in this poll:

put a check next to my name HERE! (if you're not part of the community already you'll have to join in order to vote this week)

( recommendations )

"got any change?"
"spare a dollar?"
"help me out?"

I've been thinking on my reaction to being asked for money. I know that I am wildly rich to be able to go buy a fancy coffee if I want to. Of course, I'm also living on student loans so doing that is irresponsible, but I can, and that's a hefty privilege.

I try to check in with my own state of being when I am asked for help, whether that help be monetary or not. If it's a stranger asking for cash I feel strongly that if I'm carrying cash (which I almost never am) the universe is asking me to share that. Now if I was randomly carrying a twenty, I probably would not share it because I would not spend $20 on something I didn't need. But if I can afford to blow it on a luxury like a mocha, I can afford to give it away. This is affected by the fact that I don't often encounter requests for money -- when I move into the heart of the city I plan to never carry cash but instead carry food bars to offer if someone claims hunger. (Raw Revolution bars, Kashi crunch bars, odwalla bars, and powerbar's NutNaturals form a good third of my diet)

I feel that the act of asking for help earns it, as long as giving that help doesn't deplete me too much. I don't consider it my responsibility to discern how the cash will be used. This is not philanthropy or naivete -- I imagine that some of the people asking for money are very good at it and don't have real need, and I'm not trying to fix anyone's problems. But for me, this interaction isn't about me and an individual, it's about my attitude toward life. If I am unwilling to give what I can spare, I feel that I close off the flow of generosity in my life. I feel that if I maintain a generous attitude, I will receive what I need when I need it, and then some. I also feel that it is far better to risk rewarding a liar than to risk ignoring genuine need. And even if a dollar won't help someone in any lasting fashion, I feel that honoring someone's request for help DOES help in a lasting fashion.

I don't give with expectation of direct reward -- but I do expect that my life will be better if I give. By asking me for help, people are showing me a way to create a flow of good into my life. We're helping each other out.

LJ idol season 8, topic 2: "Three Little Words."

if you liked my post I pray in three parts: gratitude, awareness, and action, please drop in and vote for me in this poll:

put a check next to my name HERE!

If I stay in for a few weeks I'll start posting recommendations for others too, but right now there are just too many participants ;-)