July 2017
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Ben's and my three-year (spiritual) anniversary is tonight


...so I think it's perfect that we had fantastic sex.

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Ben and I only got physically married a little over thirteen months ago, but we were spiritually married long before that. About 19 days after we 'got together' we were discussing what the purpose of our relationship was, and he told me that he felt sure we'd end up married. I was surprised, because I wasn't sure at all about my own feelings, and we moved to another subject. I forget what it was he said, but suddenly I realized that he was the fulfillment to a prophesy given me several years before; my husband-to-be would be kept only for me, as if on an island, and he would understand me completely (I can only remember the gist of the prophesy now). People who knew Ben back then knew that there could be no more perfect description of him than a 'man on an island.' He was the most closed-off person ever -- of course, that changed when he fell in love with me. ;-) Anyway, upon that realization, I blurted out, "You're the one!" and then explained it to Ben, and we were both so excited and we exchanged our vows right then. Impatient us.

This may seem like an insignificant matter to you, but in my mind from then on we were married, just not living together. Which meant that in my mind I was allowed to have sex with Ben -- and oh, you cannot believe the torture of being one in spirit for NEARLY TWO YEARS and not being one in body all that time. Had it been up to me, we wouldn't have waited for a legal marriage -- but Ben felt that marriage had to do with people knowing, the whole ceremony thing... and he managed to fend me off. This man has some determination, I tell you! I'm writhing on his lap literally begging for it, and he says no, not yet. And that happened many times!

Most married couples are not nearly as one in spirit as Ben and I were before we made it legal... there are no words to describe the inner fight it was. To make it worse, we were both complete and total virgins, neither had ever dated or so much as held hands with anyone else...

Yet those two years were a fantastic journey into the worlds of each other and ourselves, and I believe it was part of God's plan -- because we learned each other's spirits and souls without being so distracted by body. I think God wanted us to wait for sex partially because as soon as we started having sex my destructive past started coming up, and we needed to have had those two years of bonding before we had to struggle through this year... so even though I wonder if I missed out on something, I wouldn't change anything if I had the option.

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I wish I could talk about Ben and his wonderfulness more, but there are 2 reasons why I refrain:
1. He's a private person. Poor guy, married to the most un-private person that either of us have met! This means that anything that REALLY speaks about who he is is considered too personal to share with the world via LJ. And I hate friends-locking posts.
2. It makes other girls depressed. Quite understandable, really -- I got such a phenominally rare man that he can admit he is wrong and work on changing and he is willing to share his heart openly with me and he's incredibly loving and endlessly compassionate and forgiving... not to mention he's the most gorgeous, sensual man ever to walk the face of this earth. Nobody else has what I have, and talking about my PROBLEMS with him makes other women envious because their husband/boyfriend isn't as humble/generous/forgiving/etc. as Ben is.
feelings: satisfied
sounds: the Benjamin Gate: "Rush"


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.