December 2017
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31


so dead lately... / faith


"Why have belenen's entries been so meaning-little lately?" you ask yourself mournfully.

I reply (because of course I can read your mind), "I've been very locked-up lately, because it hurts so much to try. It hurts to be myself, because that reminds me that I can't be myself. My sexuality is pretty much shot to hell and that kills me; my faith is in tatters from the same cause; and I have a very hard time receiving affection for the same reason."

Ben can be so loving and it just doesn't get through, unless he's extremely loving and persistant over a short period of time -- which isn't his style, and I'm just working this out now so I haven't told him, so basically I feel unloved. And I hate it! Because things that really do mean a lot to me I just can't feel -- from friends too, not just Ben. That makes no sense at all, but it's the best way to put it.

--------

And I'm really hammering on my set of beliefs lately, unsure if they are correct. So much of what we are taught in church has absolutely nothing to do with God... and yet the Bible doesn't lay everything out easily, you have to search for the truth that matches your question. Why? because God wants a relationship, so he wants you to ask him, and I have just not been very trusting of him lately. I don't want to approach him because I know he must be disappointed that I have been ignoring him, and I am afraid of disappointing him. So I cover my eyes and think he can't see me.

And the other things I wonder about constantly... like I want to and almost do believe that a relationship with God does not require knowledge of/belief in the actual gospel (that Jesus became sin, died, and rose again so we could live through him) because there are verses that suggest that, especially in Psalms. But then there are verses that suggest otherwise, so I can't quite throw my faith into that belief. So I'm left half-believing and wondering intensely.

--------

My hopeful thing is (and this takes me from hopelessly frustrated to hopefully frustrated) -- I'm going to start counseling again on Thursday with a new counselor, a woman who's been through everything I have.

feelings: disgustingly apathetic
sounds: Massive Attack: "Angel"
connecting:

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Comments
jamina1 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
'welcome!
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
What little I know about christianity and the jesus story mostly comes from watching jesus christ superstar. I don't expect I can rely on that too much, but wasn't jesus unsure a lot? He looked pretty upset in the film, in any case.

You'll work things out, work through what you believe, what makes sense to you. Or what makes you happy.

The bible was written by people, wasn't it? I suspect they were just people like you. They interpreted things in their own way, and tried searching for the truth. I don't know, did God speak to all of them? I know he was supposed to have spoken to a couple of people, like the guy he told to kill his son (remember that from school), but did he speak directly to everyone who wrote in the bible?

Just, if the bible is people interpreting these things for themselves, which would make sense when it seems to be contradicting itself, then all you can do is try and do the same. It is what you believe, whatever you work out, and if you believe that you are doing right then you don't need to listen to what other people say, not even the church. Have faith in yourself, find your own way.

I suppose, if God told you to kill your son (if you had one) then you would do it, but would you do it if someone else told you that God says you must kill your son, if it was a priest who told you? (not connected, really, but I'm curious)

I hope the counselor helps, and you feel back on track soon

thesaj ══╣╠══
Just an interesting note...

God had promised an entire multitude of descendents would come from his son Isaac. God had already demonstrated miracles in the case of Isaac's birth. And God's following thru on his promise.

Therefore, he had an understanding that somehow God would make it all right. Somehow Isaac would be returned to him. Because God promised a multitude of descendents from Isaac and that could not be fulfilled if Isaac remained dead. That is why he had "faith". It wasn't a blind obedience and a willingness to lose his son for God. But a belief, a faith in his God that he would NOT lose his son.

I hope that gives some interesting insight on the matter.

- Jason
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
Part I: Some Answers and Explanations
thesaj ══╣╠══
Part II: Some Answers and Explanations
belenen ══╣╠══
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
Hmm, sounds like your in a bit of a rut...I think the feeling will pass so long as you dont get absorbed in it.

As for religion, Im not the one to ever completely agree with what any church teaches. I think every person has their own path and way to enlightenment.
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Proverbs 3:5-6
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
"in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths" -- one of my favorite and most quoted verses. It says to me, 'whatever decision you make, if you seek God first, you've made the right decision.'

But that doesn't help so much with this, because I am afraid/reluctant to seek him.
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
*best wishes for the future* i hope your new counselor works out for you and things start making sense (((hug)))
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you sweetie! *hugs back*
darkpool ══╣╠══
Why? because God wants a relationship, so he wants you to ask him, and I have just not been very trusting of him lately. I don't want to approach him because I know he must be disappointed that I have been ignoring him, and I am afraid of disappointing him. So I cover my eyes and think he can't see me
I can relate to this. I know that I should trust God, because he says to and he says what he's doing is for are good, but I find it hard to believe anyway. Also been ignoring God and feel like if I don't stop ignoring him, quickly he's going to smack me upside the head figurativly speaking. I'm trying to learn to WANT to have a relationship with God. How to be close to God because I want to be and desire to be and not because I'm afraid that thing will go badly for me if I don't. I still have to be aware that I need God but I want to be close to him first because I want to and second because I need to, but it's hard. I'm afraid of being aaway from God for long enough to find out if I want a relationship with him. And I'm afraid that the whole idea is just foolishness. So not exactly the same thing but similar. Also sometimes I feel like we can never really know anytihng about God because there's just so many differtent veiws and different ways to put thing and different ways to inturpret the bible and some of them are from deceitful people but many of them are from people who have studied with an open heart.. So how to sort it all out.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Also sometimes I feel like we can never really know anytihng about God because there's just so many differtent veiws and different ways to put thing and different ways to inturpret the bible and some of them are from deceitful people but many of them are from people who have studied with an open heart.. So how to sort it all out.

I know exactly what you mean by that. It does get overwhelming sometimes.
thesaj ══╣╠══
"I don't want to approach him because I know he must be disappointed that I have been ignoring him, and I am afraid of disappointing him."

[[[My sister, do you think God's disappointment keeps Him from loving you? wanting to hold you in his arms? wanting to just wipe your tears away?

Jer 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.


Psa 139:14-17 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.....Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all [my members] were written, [which] in continuance were fashioned, when [as yet there was] none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

Luk 15:20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

]]]

"So I cover my eyes and think he can't see me."

[[[Do you not think that he knew all this before he accepted you? Remember, to God time is not as it to us. You see, we are in the flow of time and God is outside it. You see your life as a flow of frames like on an old film reel. One frame after another. Some are good. Some are bad. And at some point a red blotch appeared when you were covered in the blood of the Christ.

However, God see your life differently. He sees ALL the frames of your life stacked on top of each other as a single frame. And so he saw all your good and ALL your bad in that one glance. Your infancy and elderly is to him one and the same moment. But when he looks at all those frames and see's the red blotch in there - he no longer see's the judgment/wrath and punishment necessary for justice and purity. Because it was already metered out on the cross. Therefore, whether in the midst of sin or not - there is NOT anger and wrath toward you. For you are his beloved (be loved) child. There is at times, I do believe, sorrow for our suffering when we bear the consequences of our decisions and actions.

But he is not the wrathful father. He does not beat us because we come home pregnant. He may mourn with us because our dreams of going to college or having the fancy wedding have been lost. But his heart is tender toward us. Don't let the condemnation that the enemy tries to make us feel keep us from coming into his presence. Is it not better to come into the presence of our Lord Jesus as a whore, prostitute, beggar, tax collector or scummy fisherman than to remain away from him in our pseudo righteousness as the Scribes and the Pharisees? You will NEVER be worthy or perfect enough to enter in on your own merrit. Once you realize that both righteous pharisee and sinful thief were both unmeriting of God's favor than you realize that that your entrance into his presence is free regardless of your failure because that is NOT how you enter in.

Now, we may suffer conviction to stop such behaviors as are harmful to ourselves and others. But such is not condemnation. And it does not restrict our entrance into the presence of God. It is better to walk to him in perversion and to sit, listen, commune and be refreshed...

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

Sincerely,
"The Saj" (a.k.a. the one quite fond of darkpool
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I really love your film reel metaphor... very apt, very true.

Thank you for this, it encouraged me greatly.
thesaj ══╣╠══
tinystages ══╣╠══
lamentations 3:57 Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not.


psalm 139.
read that.

i know how you are feeling, and you must hold on to the Lord, because it is Satan's workings to make you doubt and fear. Fear does not come from the Lord.

*loves*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you. ;-)
shespoke ══╣╠══
my idea of "god" is a loving and caring being. i have a hard time picturing him as someone how is all about hellfire and brimstone. i think he guides me even though, i don't always know all his wisdom in his choices that come along in my life. how it has all turned out, when i look back, makes much better sense then what i would have tried to do.

lastly, you should know that you can always do friends only posts and customize them to only the people that you want to read them. it might help to get stuff out that you need to and get some feedback. <3
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I think we have very similar views of God.

As far as the custom filtered posts, I don't like doing friends-only posts because that goes against the purpose of this journal... and there aren't really any friends that I think wouldn't understand... basically, if I can't be open about it with everyone, I can't be open about it with anyone (except Ben). If I had a 'best friend' it might be different, but right now I trust pretty much all of my LJ friends the same amount. ;-)

Thank you for the caring comment.
smurfb1ue ══╣Desperate//creationfest╠══
Psalm 113...GOD will lift you from the ash. Out of your ash heap always emerges a stronger you...it's getting there that's always the struggle. I'm praying for you.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you, your prayers mean a lot to me; you're quite a prayer warrior. ;-)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
I love you.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I love you too Ashy. ;-)
moody_godess ══╣╠══
responding the best way i can :)
I have just not been very trusting of him lately. I don't want to approach him because I know he must be disappointed that I have been ignoring him, and I am afraid of disappointing him.

now, im by no means extremely knowledgable *in spelling either at this poing...wittle tired* in religion/chrisianity. however, God does not feel disappointment in you if you waver trust for him. even Jesus Christ repeatedly questioned God re: his destiny to be crucified. to question is to ask for support from him.

eh, i dont much. im going back to second grade catholic school.

im sorry your faith is waivering and neglecting to hold you up in a time when you need it. you will find your way, and if you so choose, god will help you on your path as well...cuz you believe. *forget teh details of religion and the bible* you believe.

ok. i did my best on the religion front. :)

i hope counseling does help and im glad youre seeking help. letting go of tragedy is almost impossible, but IS possible. share with Ben too. im sure he'd respond well and be supportive. just try not to shut him out.

*hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: responding the best way i can :)
Thank you babe.

And Ben has always been very supportive; I couldn't shut him out if I tried. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.