December 2017
          1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31


first meeting with Patricia / he did know every pain...


Tonight was my first counseling session with Patricia, so we didn't dive too deep, though I think we touched on just about every pain in my life. I felt very stirred up inside... BUT.

Patricia told me that she was abused from very young until she was 17, and she used to get panic attacks when she knew that the perpertrator was in the same city... but two years ago she was able to go to a reunion where she sat next to him, so close that their knees touched, and she wasn't at all afraid or angry or upset. All she felt was a little sorry for him.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? It means that there IS healing for us. We victims CAN get there. It isn't unreachable (she reached it in four years, and her abuse was much worse than mine) and it is possible for me to become the person I was designed to be, that "real" me that I daydream about. I can have my sexuality redeemed and be the fucking nympho that my true self is, I can get past all fear, I can learn to trust God (which is actually the hardest part), and maybe, just maybe, forgive my parents for not protecting me like they were supposed to (I don't really mean maybe, but that's hard for me to believe). And I know beyond any doubt that if healing is possible, I will get it. Probably not as soon as I'd like, but you better believe I will get there!

Of course, I have to dig up every single memory and work through it for that to happen, so this isn't the most gleeful thing in the world... but I have been given hope again. We can be healed, and when I am, I will actually have hope to offer to others like me. That was the worst thing for me, to think that God could allow one human to completely destroy another, that he could resist stepping in -- but now I know it's not complete destruction, healing is possible. Oh, almost as much as I long to be healed for my own sake, I long to be healed so that I can offer hope to others!

--------

...and I had always secretly thought to myself, 'So he was crucified and beaten, but that's mere physical pain; how can he know what rape victims feel?' Tonight Patricia told me that Roman soldiers are historically reputed for sodomizing their prisoners... so he did know what it's like. And he did go through what I went through. I feel closer to him, somehow.

feelings: determined
sounds: the Benjamin Gate: "The Way You Are"
connecting: , ,

back to top

Comments
wallbrat ══╣╠══
Yes you will heal and get past things. *hugs her* Remember though that time has no meaning. It will take as long as it needs to. It took Patricia four years because that was the time necessary for it to take. It may take you less time and it may take you more time. All that matters is that you will get to where you want to go. *smiles*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you. *hugs back*
wallbrat ══╣╠══
Any time. *smiles*

The Benjamin Gate CDs arrived today. *bounces*
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
thesaj ══╣╠══
Part I: Thoughts (long post)
Part I

"And I know beyond any doubt that if healing is possible, I will get it. Probably not as soon as I'd like, but you better believe I will get there!"
[[[Healing comes in stages. Similar to growth spurts. If we were to grow from infant to adult in but two years - could you imagine the pain of such growth spurts?

So growth must come in stages so as not to tear our being apart in one fell swoop.
]]]

"That was the worst thing for me, to think that God could allow one human to completely destroy another, that he could resist stepping in -- but now I know it's not complete destruction, healing is possible."
[[[It is sad that abuse is so common. 1 in 4 women will be abused or raped. And what few realize is that 1 in 10 males will also suffer such. You are far from alone. The problem is that there is often a mindset of "I should have known better, I should not have let it happen" when in truth "it simply should not have happened". But it does. We do not blame one who is robbed at gunpoint (unless they were foolishly flaunting $100 bills and walking thru the ghetto doing so). So why do we blame ourselves for suffering a different kind of abuse. We should not.

Furthermore, there is restoration by the hands of God. Why? Cause if you can build something. You can re-build it. God knows how we are made thus he is able to repair us when we are broken. He has also promised to "restore unto us that which the locust has devoured".

In my own life, God is currently doing such. I have been going thru a period of much healing. I went thru a lot of crap as a kid. Too much to tell in this thread. A year ago I struggled greatly. I had just turned 29. I was a year away from 30. A technical virgin. I phrase it that way because although I had not had intercourse I'd done most everything else (either in life or the confines of my mind). I'd lost my purity. I had had the intention of waiting till marriage. And I waited... And I waited... And I still waited... and decades later I grew weak. I found myself in a miserable state. I neither had known the joys of a godly marriage nor the pleasures of the world. Some how I had managed to lose both blessings. I weeped bitterly and was quite the wretch. When I was very young I grasped the concept of marriage, it's purpose, it being a good thing. I guess you could say by 6 yrs of age I understood all those stupid "I kissed dating goodbye" tried to reveal. And I grew sorrowful whenever I would read my Bible and come across verses that exclaimed "he who finds a wife finds a good thing" and "rejoice in the breasts of the wife of your youth". So here I was at 29....and I'd read that and feel like my youth was almost gone. That I would never ever know what it was like to hold a beautiful young woman in my arms and simply love her and cherish her breasts. The Scriptures became a dagger wounding my soul upon ever read.

Furthermore, being a male in this society makes it near impossible to resist sexual temptation. It's everywhere. I couldn't stand up purely in the midst of it any longer. I sought solutions. Even contemplated some extreme solutions. Thankfully I did not go that route.

But two years ago God promised me a healing. It was after I struggled spiritually with God. I told him bless me. And NOT with material blessings (which I'd come into to a fair degree in the past 5 yrs). But I told him bless me spiritually. And basically, wrong or not, I said bless me or you are not my God. And I exclaimed "I don't care if it's as simple as changing my name like Jacob....JUST BLESS ME!" And right there in my office cubicle he had mercy on me and did just that....
thesaj ══╣╠══
Part II: Thoughts
Part II

He told me "you are called bitter, but you will no longer be called such...for you will known as "Sweetened by God"

I broke down in tears and weeped. In that one little name given to me by God was born a promise of healing. For I was to be sweetened again. I thought, once bitter I would remain so...like a grapefruit...where no matter how much sugar you pour onto it - it is still bitter. Few truly know how to sweeten a grapefruit. One in fact sweetens it with a pinch of salt which neutralizes the bitterness. Then one can sweeten it with sugar. God knows exactly how to sweeten us, to heal us. We assume we always need sugar. But sometimes it's a pinch of salt. Sometimes it is warmth. Sometimes it is the honey of the Scriptures.

Anyways, God spent the past couple years (and I believe the next few) healing me. But I still struggled very much with a longing for a wife. It crippled me. 85% of my spiritual and mental strength was devoted to fending this unfulfilled desire off. It was about five months ago that a great healing happened to me. We had a guest worship band. They were good but not my style...a sorta "white" latin influenced R&B sound. But the spirit came upon me in such a way that I laid on the floor weeping and repenting before God. I walked up the altar and took off the purity ring I wore since I was 16 and set it down. And finally, after 15 yrs or so I 'let it go'. Sure everyone had told me just let it go, give it to God. That is so much easier said than done. I had tried a hundred times to no avail. I reached the point where I exclaimed to people...."I can't...only God can heal me...and he seems to refuse to for some reason. I do not know why!?!"


But on that day I was able to set something down. To set it out of my soul. It was the first time in my life I ever knew what it was like to be content in that area. And to be 'okay' with being single.

Strangely, Ms. darkpool entered my life in a more intense way just days later. I know they always say as soon as you stop looking - you'll find her. And it was almost true. Although I am not sure what will be the eventual path the two of us take, I do believe she and I are to meant for each other at the here and now...and perhaps much longer. She is a beautiful and still quite young woman. And for the first time in my life I have known what it is like to have that full mutual desire toward one another. As I got out of my car and stood in the driveway a sudden idea hit me. What if she were the one? And I was like "Lord, I've been griping to you for 10 yrs...WHERE IS SHE!?! What if all this time you've been trying to tell me 'she's not ready yet...she's too young right now' and I just wasn't listening." I mean if God gave her to me 10 yrs ago when I was asking for her than she'd have been 10 and I'd still be in jail. I was kinda blown away just with the possibility of design. That God may have had it under control all along.

I've learned something too. I couldn't give it away...only God could take it away. But he didn't take it away until it was time to be taken away. She didn't come once I stopped looking. My spirit stopped looking upon the approach of her arrival. But these are matters that it is hard to convey understanding to our hearts. That the answers, the healings, the changes....often only come in the immediacy before the need. This is hard for us to understand. We want the safety bank account with $5,000 in it ahead of time. Cause we don't see how the providence will arrive once the need is there. God see's the whole picture and has it all set in motion to arrive at the appropriate time. Realize whether the star that appeared over Jesus was a comet or a super-nova. Both of which had to be set in such a perfect time to arrive when they did. Either the star's life had to be timed to end just when it did. Or the comet's orbit to return just when it did. And just because there was no great bright star before Jesus' arrival did not preclude it appearance. Like so, just because the healing, blessing, and need has not come yet does not mean it will not be there when it is absolutely necessary to be - so that you might fulfill the purposes and intentions for which you were designed and fashioned.

thesaj ══╣╠══
Part III: Thoughts
Part III

"I can have my sexuality redeemed and be the fucking nympho that my true self is"

[[[I've always seen sex as one of the few things as sacred as worship. I believe it is a type of the intimacy we're to have with God and the pleasure that results from doing so. And expresses how God desires to dwell inside of us. I do believe that union only truly represents that typology when it is with one individual. And that is why I think a "man and wife" is the more perfect way. But within that confine I believe that the act of sex is in so many ways a "worship of God". (And a fulfillment of the 1st commandment.... "go forth and multiply".)

See there is a difference between sexuality and purity. One can be extremely sexual and still pure. And one can be a virgin and impure and debauched. The Jews bore much wait on the role of sex and fathering & mothering children. It was seen as a glorious thing. Nearly to the point of shame if it was not done. The church took a strong abstinence stance and made it dark. Yet if sexuality was so evil, than why would the "Songs of Solomon" be within the Scriptures?

The Puritans (who actually are oft misunderstood due to most understanding being derived from later fictional novels about them) were actually freer than most. They enjoyed brighter clothing than normal. They saw sex as a blessing to be enjoyed. And even excommunicated a man from the Puritan church for refusing to have sex with his wife believing such a deed and neglect to be sin and in direct conflict with Scripture. (Intriguing, eh?)

Sexuality is NOT impure. The term for impure sexuality is "promiscuity". I believe marriage is a union between three persons. The man, his wife, and their God.

The Blessing - a poem I wrote about marriage

I absolutely believe their is a spiritual beauty and worship unto God that is only found in the union of a husband and wife. It is a way of worshipping God I have not yet been blessed to enjoy. So one day I hope to know such understanding.


Anyways, here is an interesting site you may enjoy. It is by Leonard Nimoy (Yes, Spock from Star Trek) and is call "Shekinah" (the name for the glory of God). I think you might find it intriguing....


http://leonardnimoyphotography.com/

Sincerely,
The Saj - who gets to hold his darkpool tonight. :)


PS - I hope this in all it's super-flous length and multiple stories of my life bore some encouragment and/or insight for you.

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: Part III: Thoughts
wow. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for your tacit approval of my modeling (if I interpreted you correctly) -- it's always positive to have a Christian see the beauty in it.

Also, I wanted just to make sure you know -- Ben and I are married. ;-)
thesaj ══╣╠══
Re: Part III: Thoughts
"Ben and I are married"
[[[Spiritually and legally? that's cool.

I actually like the idea's of betrothals....which were actually a legally binding pre-marriage.
]]]

As for the modelling. I believe there is great beauty in the human form. I have less issue with artistic modelling. Although I do not approve of pornographic modelling. Art should capture and present the beauty of the human form with respect, admiration and a tribute to God. Pornography simply denigrates the human form and makes it a consumable. I do not believe such can give any glory to God.

So I do have an appreciation for art. That said, I might pass on viewing a few of your photos here and there - me being a human male and all, there can be a tendency to over-appreciate. *lol*

In truth, I find that I often find clothed portraits far more sexier...

- Jason
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Re: Part III: Thoughts
yep, spiritually for 3 years, legally for a little over 1.

I hate pornography with a fierce passion, so much that I try not to think about it because it's such a huge industry and I don't think it's possible for me to destroy it like I want to so desperately. Here's something I wrote about it:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/belenen/35347.html
thesaj ══╣╠══
Re: Part III: Thoughts
A true man protects his woman. He protects her soul from insecurity by expressing his delight in her own personal beauty. He protects her body from any physical pain or want he can prevent. He protects her spirit by cherishing her, serving her in little ways that make her feel worthy. He thinks first of her good, and then his own. This is true masculinity.

[[[ I really liked this comment...

You know, few people understand the relationship of a man and a wife. Eve was deceived. But Adam knew better. Why did he sin? Was it cause of the apple so to say? I think not....I think it was because of his Eve. And his desire not to be seperated from her.

]]]

I gave a speech in college once, entitled "The Sexual Revolution: Who Got Screwed" and went on about how most of the consequences of the sexual revolution are born by women. On how the whole feminist movement has been twisted into the 'masculinist' movement, too masculinized women and feminize men. That was NOT the intention of the movement. The movement was to earn equivalent respect for that which was feminine. Most feminists are a disgrace to womankind. They endeavor to outperform men as much as possible. They try so hard NOT to be 'woman'. They insult and degrade that which is female more than any other. It is tragic.

Worse the movement has tried to demonize men. Little boys are okay...but men are evil! In truth, the problem we have today is we have so many grown up boys and so few grown up men. Boys are about toys and games and playing around. Men are about responsibilities.

A woman should be respected and admired for her feminine qualities. Likewise, a man should be for masculine quality.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Re: Part II: Thoughts
But on that day I was able to set something down. To set it out of my soul. It was the first time in my life I ever knew what it was like to be content in that area. And to be 'okay' with being single... Strangely, Ms. darkpool entered my life in a more intense way just days later.

Exactly the same with Ben and I -- I had just gotten to the place where I had God so securely on the throne in my heart that there was no longer the danger of me putting a human lover above him, and I was wondering how long He'd make me wait before he brought my man into my life -- two days later, out of the blue, Ben 'asked me out.' We 'courted' for 19 days and then got spiritually married (vowed ourselves to each other).
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
I know you will get there as well.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you, friend.
duchesse20 ══╣Face (bluebl00d)╠══
Well, I may be a bit late on the news, but I truly and sorry to hear all of this. I hate to hear that people get hurt the way you did! :( Our world is not like we always we're brought up to beleive. And unfortunately, we learn that through the experience of things.

Healing will be yours but in time. Don't rush things. Let it come to you! And when it does, you'll feel like yourself all over again!

And I'm sure that Patricia will be a big help for you! ;)

I wish you luck and hopefully not too much pain will come out of this again!
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you so much! And you're right, I need to be patient -- one of the hardest things for me to do!

You're a real sweetheart, at least from what bluebl00d says, and from the comments you've dropped me now and then -- I'm going to make it official and add you to my friends list. ;-)
duchesse20 ══╣╠══
I'm happy to hear that bluebl00d said great things about me. ;)

And I'd like to add you as well... I'll do it now! ;)
darkpool ══╣╠══
I'm glad to hear that you like your new counselor. I did pray that you would. I'm also really glad to hear that you have hope of healing. I think that believing you can be healed is a really important step.
belenen ══╣mysterious╠══
and thank you so much for praying!
5_centsnowglobe ══╣╠══
I was abused when I was younger...I wasn't raped or sexually abused, but i was physically and mentally abused by my parents, mainly my father. So it basically lasted my entire life and got worse and worse as i got older. When I was 17, my senior year of high school, i was locked in my room except for the 4 hours a day i was allowed to go to school. On weekends i had to stay in my room, no friends, no dating, no fun. I had no internet or phone...no connection to the world. No tv, no music...no noise. It was horrible. 4 months before I turned 18 my dad gave up trying to change me...tho i never will know what he was trying to change me into or what he was trying to change me from and he kicked me out of the house. I was given a weekend notice to move out. And i did, and here i am now, about 7 months later. I thought that when i finally got out of there everything would be better, but it isn't. I moved on and made a life for myself...but i miss the people and things i had before...when my parents had allowed me a bit more freedom, that they had taken away. Mainly two things--a job, and a boy. After i got out of there i got that job back...but it was different. I wasn't working w/ the same friends i had come to know and everyone treated me different because they knew what had happened and because i was no longer a kid i guess. But the worst part was the boy. I truly believe i had found the love of my life in the beginning part of my senior year, and my parents took that from me. they even went so far as to get a restraining order placed to keep him from me. When i got out of their house i went and found him, of course. But things were different. He had dealt with the depression of losing me by turning to drugs and giving up on everything. I'm not that against smoking pot once in awhile...but when you let it take over your life...that is wrong. And we tried to get back together, but things weren't the same and he moved to LA. I met someone else, got married, got a house, got pregnant, got a life. But still in the back of my mind and my heart there's that part of me that misses my other life. It shouldn't be like that, i shouldn't have another life in the past. I should've had one continuous life, without gaping breaks in the middle of confinement. I guess that's what it's like for people who spend years in prison--tho they actually did something wrong, and you get to associate w/ people in prison...so more like if you're in prison w/ solitary confinement. And the worst part is the gaping hole in my new life that reminds me constantly of the old. Me and my mother made up and we get along now--she never was the "bad" one. But my father disowned me pretty much. He doesn't want to meet my husband, he doesn't want to meet his first granddaughter, he doesn't even want to see me. I know rape must be horrible...but imagine...what if the person who had done it to you was someone who was forced to be a part of your life not by choice but by blood...someone like your father. Someone no one could take his place...so he was always there...not just another person you could write out of your life. How do you deal with it then?
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Well, unfortunatly for a lot of people it is their father who is the abuser. But anyway, back to the point:

You are absolutely right, that should never have happened, and you were emotionally and mentally abused. How do you deal with it? You find a counselor and talk with her. I wish I had more to offer you but I really don't... I was emotionally and mentally abused by my dad as well -- I was allowed music and to use the internet, but otherwise I had a very similar highschool experience. My parents didn't let me get involved in any kind of school or friends thing because it was too much effort. I also had to parent my brother and sister for most of my childhood. How have I dealt with it? Well honestly, I know I haven't dealt with it the right way, but it is the only way I can deal at the moment -- I live several states away and never contact them. (they contact me sometimes though) They've never accepted me for who I am, and at thsi point I can't trust them enough to show them who I am. I've tried that in the past and they refused to see.

Anyway, I rambled on and on.... what I meant to say was, I know kinda how you feel, but I don't have any good advice except to try and find a counselor. *hugs*
phoenix__reborn ══╣╠══
I have an anti-blame-myself mechanism or something. I'm freakish. I was once raped, and I worked through it in just a few days. I don't talk about it much, rather, I don't like to talk to about it. That probably means I am not fully over it, but I am satisfied.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
If you aren't ready to work through it, that's certainly okay. But I'd like to say that your comment was a little hurtful, because you implied that it's possible to work through it in just a few days, and that made me feel (at first reading) like my pain was invalid, like I should just 'get over it' -- and that's abuser talk.

I'm not telling you out of anger or anything like that, I'm telling you because I don't think you realized your comment could make me feel that way, and I want to help you keep from possibly (unintentionally) hurting people like me.
phoenix__reborn ══╣╠══
I didn't mean it to be hurtful at all, and I am sorry if it appeared that. I was hoping it would maybe be something of encouragement, like a light at the end of a really dark tunnel. I know many people who have had a really bad time, who spent years trying to work through everything, and one who even committed suicide because she felt so helpless and unable regardless of all the love and support her friends and therapists gave her. Some people don't understand how it's possible to work through something in a few days, but others see it as a glimpse of hope for themselves, that they too will find peace from the pain.

That's what I was going for, I probably should have just said the long version from the get-go.
texflex ══╣Lurking╠══
Best of luck...
The best way for things like this to work is to be willing to let it. You have that, so it should be just fine. Good luck.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Re: Best of luck...
thank you.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.