December 2017
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previous & current soul friendships / forgiving / yay! birthday packages!


I feel incredibly ambivalent about yesterday's post. The first group of responses really surprised me -- I didn't think people would get offended by it, as some seemed to be. The second half made me happy.

Just to clarify -- there is only one person in my life right now that I am ready to offer soul-friendship to, and I'm not sure if she is or not yet, and she's not someone I know purely through LJ. So if you felt that I wanted you to make that kind of commitment to me right now, don't worry, I'm not asking. I don't feel that I have bonded with any of you sufficiently to offer that yet. I think I'd have to meet you in person first, just because I'd need that solidity.

Soul friendships can end, because they are a process for most people, and sometimes one person gets so uncomfortable with that process that they end it, through withdrawing or storming out.

I have had them before, and yes, with each one I asked them to.

My best friend (for years, but no longer) and I had that when I was merely 15... it ended after four years because I discovered that she'd been wearing a mask, unbeknownst to both of us; she wasn't comfortable being nakedly honest with herself and me, which made me no longer comfortable being that with her. Before then though, she was the only person who had never ever judged me, and I will always remember that. That friendship taught me so much... I'm forever grateful to God for setting it up and to Rebecca for living it with me and loving me.

Ben and I began our soul-friendship three years ago. Because his love is so incredible, he stuck through the process (which I had begun to learn with Rebecca and finished learning with Ben), and I think he is now one of the rare ones who is able to give soul-friendship. He's much more cautious than I though. My soul-friendship with Ben taught me to forgive -- not because he did anything really bad, but just because I had never forgiven the right way before. I'd always forgiven begrudgingly, with a string still attached so I could snatch up the grievance if I needed ammo in a fight. I realized I didn't want to do that with Ben, I didn't want to store things in my heart that did nothing but hurt me and him. So I tried forgiving freely, and lo and behold, it demolished a little of my pride and left me vulnerable, but it felt SO damn good, and it wasn't really that hard. When you trust someone, it isn't that hard to forgive them because you don't need to be able to inflict guilt on them. You can just let it go.

I had it for a few short months with my beloved Kaylene -- you have no idea how much I love that girl. The process of trusting, plus a ton of horribly stressful life happenings, caused her to slip out of my life. Yes, it hurt like hell when she left, but since I had learned how to forgive, and because I knew that she left out of fear, not lack of love, I didn't hold a grudge against her. That amazes me really, because it would have demolished me a few years ago and I'd have hated her and never wanted to see her again... now though, I treasure those months when she was my spirit-sister, and I look forward to the time (that I firmly believe will come) when she will be ready. She's such an incredible person, so passionate and just fascinatingly beautiful on the inside. Oh, and when I asked her (I was so nervous I felt like I was asking her to marry me), she said yes, and that she had been considering asking me that but hadn't had the guts. (haha, I just realized that makes me more gutsy than Kaylene! (in one way, anyhow) I'm impressed!)

--------

On a completely unrelated note, my present from clown_frog came in the mail today!!!!!!!! YAY!!! And she wrapped it all pretty in purple, starred paper. (stars are my favorite shape, btw, and I dot my i's with them) It's a geode with a nearly-vivid-violet layer and lavender sparkly crystals on the inside... I'm putting it on my beading desk right in the middle, for inspiration. Thank you, wonderful girl!

And yesterday I got my Massive Attack cd "100th Window" (a present from Ben) in the mail; I've been listening to it nearly non-stop. Last night I set up candles in the bathroom and took a long, long shower, washing my hair and dancing in the water to the sounds of acid jazz. There's nothing sexier than that -- I felt so me (yet tenuously so; the door was locked).

feelings: relaxed
sounds: Massive Attack: "A Prayer For England"
connecting: , , , , , , ,

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Comments
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
I can see where you are comming from about "soul friends" I probably do not qualify nor will I ever probably, but just a little thing.....you are a friend, and I treat my friends as if I have known them forever........very protective, trusting, loving, honored, and much more.......I am after all a Viking Ogre.......I do hope you find more of these "soul friends", untill then, I am your GOOD friend.......toadie.....the Ogre......the word warrior.......the goddess worshipper.......the never ending pain in the.......Yeah only to some. (WINK)

Toadie (just Friend)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
So, I think, I could wickedly wait a few days.

or I could even post what I feel on my own site (imagine!).

But I'd rather make it easy for you, at least this once. :)

I don't know how grown up I am... and I do know that I have lots to improve in, like working on appropriate boundaries.

But within you I see the friend, the one best friend, I've never had and always wanted. I'd be a fool to pass this opportunity up... and I just thank God, almost so joyful I'm speechless, that He would allow me, you, us, this opportunity to become the best of friends.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Aww...I'm getting the warm fuzzies here....
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
You know, Nik, I absolutely adore you too (if not given as much an opportunity as Bel 'cause I have known her longer), so I hope we also can work on getting to be better friends. I would really like that.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I'd really like that, too. :-)

The both of you are two of the most honestly *yourselves* people I've met in a really long time, and I love that....plus, you're not all judgemental and snipey, which is just rare. I value honesty and openness so much.

Dammit...make me cry and I'm gonna be pissed. *small sniffle*
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
Come on now, Superwoman. No tears for you unless you have someone vile-y attractive at your side to kiss them away for you. Besides, I think I could pretty much say I think you're *yourself* from what I've seen. You're one of us.

Oh, no! That means I have to start working on my super-hero identity so you won't have to be the only one in costume when we take over the world and spank some sense into it... tehehehehe.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Heh...I have this insane urge to go sew myself a costume now.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
The both of you are two of the most honestly *yourselves* people I've met in a really long time

thank you. I'm so flattered, you have no idea. But I'm not nearly as myself as I want to be.
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
It's not Nik, it's Anika! (hee hee)
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Hey now, you're going to 'splain more than that, right? (and I hope I didn't offend you by posting about it rather than just emailing it all to you...)

Like, do you believe you can eventually be a soul friend? If so, are you willing to commit to continually striving to get there? (sounds like hell, I know, but if you are then I'm willing to give it all back with my whole heart)

What do you mean by appropriate boundaries?
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
'Cause I'm already desparately in love with you in the way only girlfriends can love each other.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
really? I feel so confused now.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
not because of your phraseology or anything, just suddenly I feel lost and wondering what exactly your thoughts are.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
I don't see why. I didn't mean as in the 'sexual' girlfriends... I meant it as in the way girls who are the best of friends can love each other. I meant as in, I already hold you very dear to my heart, and I really do want to try that friendship out with you. I mean as in as much as I fear trusting lest I am betrayed again... I trust you with the very inner core of myself only one other person has ever seen. I trust you enough to step out on a limb. I don't even know you that well, but you know what? I want to. I guess I was thinking yesterday about stuff, and in you I see this beautiful, wonderful, swirling mass of a soul who is just expanding and learning how to stand and grow and be strong all on her own... and you are beautiful. You'd be interested to know I saw your spirit as purple-y. So I'm sorry if I confused you when I said that I love you...Just know I meant it in the way where you can love another human being and keep loving them no matter what they do to you or how many times they tell you to stop loving them. The Agape kind of love. Does that help explain any?
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I wasn't confused about you saying you love me -- I understood that perfectly. I was confused about... oh, I can't explain it. The two comments for some reason seemed to contradict each other in my mind. It doesn't make sense, that's just a thing I felt. Anyway, I think we need to talk audibly.
jessbarely ══╣╠══
what you said about soul friends is completely the case in my brain. i wish i would have had time to post to you yesterday.
i have always been one to believe in fate, to believe in souls, and to believe in true love.
for me true love is what you are talking about. there are some people in my life that i can honestly say that i am truly in love with...even if i haven't made love to them, or dated them. there are just those people that i would do anything for, miss, love, care about, honor...
those are the people that i want in my life forever. all of my other "acquaintances" in life are disposable, i know that sounds awful, but oh so true. i love them, care for them, but would not miss them if they weren't in my life...

anyway, my point is that i understand what you are saying.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Yes, I think true love is another good way to put it.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Glad you liked it! Was trying for either vivid violet or dragonflies. Wasn't entirely sure what vivid violet looked like though, was trying to remember the colour of your wedding dress. So I'm impressed that I was nearly there ;)
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
It's lovely, you did a wonderful job! now you need to post a wish list so I can figure out something for YOUR birthday.
mabels ══╣╠══
hmmm, Im just letting the idea of this sink in...its interesting to think about, as Ive never heard of it before. Good luck with the person you are concidering offering this friendship too!
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Thank you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.