November 2017
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wishing I could stop hiding altogether.... (spencer/paula)


I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

feelings: aching
sounds: Massive Attack: "Small Time Shot Away"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
mental_coercion ══╣╠══
One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa.

Reading through your entry and then reaching that point made me a bit teary myself lol. I wasn't going to comment in case it felt invasive because I might not completely understand your situation but that really made me feel happy and sad at the same time for you. I hope you can build your connection with this family you feel so strongly about.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
oh, no, I don't think comments are ever invasive (unless they're judgemental of me). I appreciate you saying what you think/feel.

and thank you for the well-wishes. ;-)
evileve ══╣╠══
Very often the price of my openess has been losing someone I cared for.
As I got older I realized that telling everyone the truth is NOT a good idea, even though it makes me feel better, because the sad truth is that most people are NOT open and CAN'T handle it.
You know them and know what they can handle and how they would react, so act accordingly.
I know your pain and disappointment.
maladroitkat ══╣Me - hmmmm purple╠══
Evileve, you said what I was going to say.

I don't tell everyone everything because I know they'll react negatively. It's hard sometimes because often what you do defines who you are, but not everyone is accepting and openminded.

It's a matter of deciding between opening yourself up entirely to the world or opening yourself to certain people.

-- not an easy decision to make!

I know you'll figure things out, doll. And I hope you have a good birthday today. Take care of yourself.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
The both of you pretty much said what I was thinking....

It's funny, I JUST got finished commenting in a friend's journal about the same concept, on a totally different subject. She's considdering whether or not it's smart to come out to her mother...it's a tenuous situation, because there is such an IMMENSE desire to be yourself, and have everyone KNOW who that person is, but unfortunately, some people can't handle that reality. I tried being honestly me with my friends and family, and I lost most of my friends and my family just ignored it and immersed themselves in denial. I don't regret not having those friends who couldn't accept me, because I've now realized they're not worth it. But at the time, it was so incredibly painful to be shunned by the people who I thought loved me just because I didn't fit into their ideal of how I'm supposed to be.

That's why I like to lay all my cards on the table as soon as possible in relationships - so I can't be accused of "hiding" things, and people just don't have to START being my friends if they don't like some of those things. But you can't do that sort of thing retroactively....if you really want to be open with them, you have to understand and accept the VERY REAL possibility that you would further your own self-acceptance and opennes at the cost of the relationships.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
if you really want to be open with them, you have to understand and accept the VERY REAL possibility that you would further your own self-acceptance and openness at the cost of the relationships.

So true... and that's why it's so hard to decide. Be myself? or think that I am accepted and loved for who I am, when that might not be true? Even simpler, ask for the truth or just believe what may be a lie?
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
For me, it's easy to be open with strangers -- harder with those I have an emotional investment in from BEFORE I embarked on my quest to be transparent.
mabels ══╣╠══
I agree with this...telling some things isnt even really important. Just because you model nude doesnt make you a different person inside...so it isnt nesessary to tell everyone about this part of your life.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
well... it is a part of me, but that's a subject for another post.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
thanks for your input... I can't wait for the time (that I believe will come) when I am strong enough to handle the possible rejection and just be totally me all the time. (I won't tell everything to everyone, but I won't hide anything either)
beautymess ══╣╠══
I understand wanting to be open and honest about who you are with the people you love. I've felt the same sort of yearning from time to time.

However, I believe that artistic nude modeling (for example) is not who you are, but something you enjoy doing--it doesn't make you who you are because you would still be the same person if you couldn't do it for whatever reason. So many of us identify who we are with what we do, but we don't need to do that. Great athletes sometimes fall into this trap, I think. Once they can no longer play their sport, some of them have an identity crisis. I think people should learn to identify themselves by the qualities within, not what they do (my opinion).

Point is, you don't have to share all you do to share who you are with someone. Not everyone can understand artistic nude modeling in the way you understand it. Knowing that, you don't have to share that with them, but you don't have to sacrifice letting them know who you are because of it either.
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
I consider art modeling to be a part of who I am; not a part I want to share with everyone, because it's sensitive, but a very important part of me that I want to share with those I really love.

I'll explain more in my later post.
saltardobunji19 ══╣╠══
I might be one of those people who pop-in from time to time...
Kristen, you put yourself in this position, the position of people diapproving, you "honesty" about things is kinda of scary and well really wierd... and if you were to let Spencer read this/see your "art" he would dissaprove... i know Mrs.Paula to an extent, and i know she would be more morally against and disgusted about that stuff than i am, which would be alot.
Im not trying to be mean... becouse i have realized that to be mean to you does not benifit me, and i was only mean to you becouse you hurt me. Im just telling you what i think. you always give TMI.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Re: I might be one of those people who pop-in from time to time...
If it's TMI for you, there's a very simple solution. Don't read. This journal is for myself and those who want to get to know me; if you aren't one of those who want to get to know me, then you are not welcome in my journal. If you do want to know me, you're just going to have to deal with the fact that (at least in here) I am completely open.

I don't need your opinion on Paula and Spencer's reactions; I know them a great deal better than you do.
jessbarely ══╣╠══
i just had this conversation about telling the truth with my lover.

we hadn't been together for a while, and he started seeing someone else, he lied to me about it...then he came clean. i was hurt, i was angry, i was frustrated. but SO happy that he told the truth. he also addressed my drinking problem. something i have been really testy about. once again, it hurt, but i am glad that somebody said something, he was the only one that had the guts.

keeping things from people is lame. honesty and the truth are the only things that people have to rely on. and if they hate you for what you tell them, then, at least for me, i don't want them in my life anyway.

it sounds like you are the type of person that wants honesty as much as you give it. great. but if people can't give that to you, then what's the point of knowing them? (sorry if i am out of line)
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
honesty and the truth are the only things that people have to rely on. and if they hate you for what you tell them, then, at least for me, i don't want them in my life anyway.

Absolutely... now I just have to wrench up enough guts to face possible rejection/disapproval.

(and no, don't worry, you weren't out of line)
thesaj ══╣╠══
Racism on all sides is one of the saddest things mankind ever invented....

I wish I was the color-blind youth I was in the 80's. The 80's were such a good time. Racism was in such decline. You look at the movies in the 80's and you saw a growing integration without awkwardness.

Then in the late 80's someone got this great idea of a curriculum of "multi-culturalism" and "racial pride" (which is just another term for racism. And it seemed that all the ground that was gained in the 80's has been so lost and replaced with hate in the 90's.

It's sad....

And I've witnessed and experienced to much to have any sympathy for the Black Rights Movement anymore. I will fight tooth and nail for equality. But the hatred, anger, revenge and cruelty. And often the victims are those who were totally unrelated to the horrors the african-american, such as asian immigrants.

Without forgiveness there will be no end. I've suffered enough to actually justify being a racist. But I choose to adhere to the words of Martin Luther King Jr. and judge each man by his character and not his skin color. I have strong views. Some might say I am prejudice. I am simply an equalitist and someone who has repeatedly been a victim of racial prejudice and violence. The irony...is half the gals I've ever dated were actually "black-melatos".

*shrug*

But something needs to change....I am actually really looking forward to that new movie where the black gal brings home a white b/f and they have to deal with all the prejudices.

Let the races inter-mingle and there shall not be any race except for human (and Michael Jackson....who seems to be in a race of his own these days.)

eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Then in the late 80's someone got this great idea of a curriculum of "multi-culturalism" and "racial pride" (which is just another term for racism. And it seemed that all the ground that was gained in the 80's has been so lost and replaced with hate in the 90's.

VERY true. Just wanted to voice my agreement.
thesaj ══╣╠══
It's really sad...

Because I remember growing up in the early 80's and the only thing I thought about black people was "eewww...their hair is greasy...don't touch their hair" and that was cause it was that whole greased style at the time.

But I remember being taught basketball from a young black man. I remember growing up with police academy . We had Worf. It was like race was not really important. And to those who it was...they were just screwed up.

Now there is all this anger and revenge. Everything MLK worked for has been lost since the 90's. And blame and anger is once again directed solely based on the color of one's skin.

It is so sad...

I've been called names, beaten up, attacked, forced to move my seat on a city bus, all for the color of my skin. Why? Because I am white-skinned.
Now, it didn't matter that I'm of immigrant descent. Or that my great-grandfather came over during WWI...long after slavery. Nor did it matter that like many african-americans, us italian-americans were often refused jobs, not allowed to eat in various restaurants, etc. That when it came time to build projects and reperations decades ago....it my ancestors land that was taken away, stolen, for such causes. But I am accused by people who were never victims for the abuse done to their ancestors supposedly by my ancestors who were not even around to conduct the abuse.

I've watched as a van full of blacks pulled up alongside a young asian student and harassed and threatened to beat him up. Simply...because he was asian. I've watched blacks make some of the most uncouth and cruel racial comments I've ever heard to asian workers in Chinese Take-Outs. Not even caring that many of those workers are in fact slaves. I've watched asian immigrants be restricted from buying a building for their new business by the black political community.

I am left wondering....what the asian community has ever done to the black or hispanic communities, except excell in an environment that supposedly has great prejudice to the other minorities for their skin-color and language....while having the problems of both the hispanics (language) and african-americans (skin coloring). Is that a reason to show abuse? Or proof that success can be had.

Now...I could, and rightly so, hold judgment on all of these issues. But...I choose not too. I choose not to hold onto the hate. But I reached a point some years ago in which I will no longer tolerate the panderings of the black rights(racism) movement. I am and do greatly support the civil rights and equality for all movement. I will fight tooth and nail, even die, so that you can be respected as a human being regardless of race.

- The Saj*

*The views expressed in this post do not necessarily represent the views of the owner of this journal nor the poster.




eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I know exactly what you're talking about....

I don't speak with much of my family, but those that I DO are my Filipino family. My uncle was an immigrant back before the civil rights movement, and he's told me all the stories...people seem to forget that those rules of segregation were for COLORED people, not just BLACK people. I don't like when a group takes on an entire instance and claims it as theirs alone, when it belongs to many more people than they ever give credit to. I hate seeing young black people who haven't experienced prejudice first-hand (not to say they won't or can't, just that they HAVEN'T) speaking of the prejudice against them, while not allowing non-blacks who actually LIVED THROUGH IT (like my uncle) to say the same thing.

A key difference, though, is that my uncle fought back against the prejudices and made a success of himself. He chose to not let racism taint his heart, and in fact ended up marrying a white woman. He still doesn't believe in afirmative action or anything of the like, though he believes in EQUALITY.

This whole subject hits close to home for me, because it's directly affected my life. My husband was going to be a Baltimore City police officer, but they have an affirmative action rule: since the city is 85% black, the police force must be, too. Regardless of the fact that he's a city resident (and I have been my whole life, by the way) he wasn't the right skin color to join the force. No more whities allowed.

I don't like that our country is trying to swing so drastically in the other direction. All it does is breed more hatred...elevating ANYONE never does any good, the goal should be to make us all equals. :-/
thesaj ══╣╠══
I would very much enjoy encountering your uncle...seems like a strong man.

"the breeding of hatred allows the elites to conduct their behaviors and go unnoticed by giving them the ability to point to race, it prevents us from working together by placing a wedge of hatred between what could be mutual understanding"

belenen ══╣passionate╠══
Let the races inter-mingle and there shall not be any race except for human AMEN!
-- as I believe God intended, and I believe was the case before Babel.

I have nothing but sympathy and compassion for Michael Jackson -- he strikes me as one of the most hurting people in the world.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
I suppose that what you might want to think about is: would showing my journal improve the relationship? Or is it more likely to have a bad effect, and would that be worth it?

Obviously paula and spencer mean a lot to you ("a lot" doesn't sound strong enough even). Which is why you want them to see all your sides, know everything about you. You just need to think about whether they would want that, or whether them knowing some of these things would damage your relationship.

I suppose I mean something like, you can know someone's character, you can know what they are like and what they would do, and maybe those things aren't what you would do, you disaprove of some of them. So you put that knowledge to the back of your mind maybe, and love them anyway, because you know they are a good person (even though you suspect that they would do things that you would disaprove of). But then if they went up to you and told you everything, all that they did, you might retreat, you might have to. Even though you can accept it as a part of them, sort of subliminally, you wouldn't want it said. When I say you, I don't mean you specifically, but the general kind of you.

Because you haven't shown your journal, or told them about your modelling, does not mean they don't know you, what you are like, and love you. Perhaps it would be better not to show them, if you think they would find these things strange when spoken of (the love) or disapprove of anything.

I know my dad loves me a lot, as a parent, but I still would feel awkward and retreat if he actually said much about it. I do, when he does tell me. Maybe it's like that?

I think you know all that anyway though, but you still want to be completely open, even though it might not be a good idea, and might not be possible. Which is why it is so upsetting. Different people love in different ways though, that's how it is. Just about everyone (maybe absolutely everyone) has fixed lines that can't be crossed, cut off points, most relationships need some kind of shuffling and... I've forgotten the word..., whatsit, to sort work out where the lines have to be, how much can be given on both sides. Think maybe the best friendships are between people who have very similar cut-off points, so neither one has to hold back. I don't know if I'm making any sense here at all, I can't find any of the right words to explain it.

belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I think you know all that anyway though, but you still want to be completely open, even though it might not be a good idea, and might not be possible. Which is why it is so upsetting.
How is it that you always read me so well? I love that.

Think maybe the best friendships are between people who have very similar cut-off points, so neither one has to hold back.

Absolutely, I completely agree (and that's why I've been searching for someone with a matching cut-off point, if I do in fact have one (don't think so)).
mabels ══╣╠══
Somehow I didnt realize your name is Kristen...my sister is Kristin. I like the name.

Personly I dont see why they wouldnt love you all the same...its not like your are doing anything harmful to anyone...but I guess some people are judgemental over silly things.

I dont know the situation...why are you not in their lives right now? Why cant you become a bigger part of their lives?

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Well... it's a thing where we live 35 minutes apart, so we can't just pop in, and they're very busy, and it would be a major inconvenience to them if they came to our place, and I don't feel comfortable inviting myself to their house anymore, not sure why.
valynn ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
amen, sistah. DEATH TO FEAR! Fear is the opposite of love, and God is love, so in a way, fear is the opposite of God (aka satan). So you could say that fear is the devil.
shespoke ══╣╠══
i think so often about who is going to read what from what i write on my journal. sometimes, honesty wins out but most of the time i'm private. just because from my aquaintances, some of the mean spirited ones (that i don't associate with but still know) love to make fun, especially with onine journals. that's harsh, because my journal is in essance a piece of my soul.

i admire you for what you are doing though, in leaving the entry friends only. i hope that your friends understand some of your actions, even if they don't agree with you. that's a test of friendship, and i know that you're scared to take that test, because of what they mean to you. but it reminds me of an entry i wrote not too long ago and a wise person who's lj name starts with "b" and ends with "elenen" told me and i quote, " being honest is so worth it -- it can be painful, but at least you know that people trust you and that they love you for who you are and not merely who you appear to be."

don't you love it when people find ways to show you to abide by your own rules? i don't mean that cruely at all. what it happens to me, i always stop and think, and in the end am greatful it was pointed out.

I <3 you girlie, take care.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
hee hee, thanks for quoting me to me, I needed to read that. I need to conquer my fear.

I heart you too babe!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.