February 2018
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Hya and Kanika / photos of Kanika / the ring my dad got me


If you haven't yet, please respond to my necklace design poll.

In other news, Kanika has finally figured out how to jump to the shelf where Hyacinthe (my betta)'s vase is. So far she's knocked off several of my candles and broken two of the glass jars they were in. Hya's gotten very fierce (jumping at me every time I feed him), but Kanika is more interested in pushing all the little glass half-marbles onto the floor to play with. And she's not quite tall enough to reach in the vase yet; but judging from Hya's reaction, I have no fear that he can take care of himself (it's a pretty deep vase, anyway, she'd have to jump in to get him if he swam to the bottom).

And I have pictures! Not the best, because I didn't have very good lighting and I neeeeeeeed a tripod (can't hold the darn thing still for the life of me!) -- but look how adorable she is! I got her in a sweet mood and put her on a chair that I draped with a red chenille throw, and she was my little model. ;-)

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(I know the last one is really blurry, but she's making such a cute sillyface!)

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Also, my dad got me something for Christmas/birthday that I actually like (for the first time since I was 8)... this ring. I've been wearing it every day since; I looooooove the color of the amethyst! It looks fake 'cause it's so vivid, but it's real. The first photo is clearer, but the second is more true to color (sadly. If it was more blue it'd be vivid violet). (the ripply reflection is 'cause of my fingerprints)

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Why did he get it for me? I don't think this shows that he's learned anything about me -- amethyst is my birthstone, and all my friends (and plenty of random people) know that I hate gold and love silver (though I forgive that in this ring). He got my mom and sibs jewelry too this year. I feel ungrateful... but I hate telling people it's from my dad, 'cause then they will most likely assume that I have a good relationship with him, or worse, that I'm some spoiled teenager (because everyone thinks I'm at least three years younger than I am) whose parents get her whatever she wants.

And I just plain don't like it that my dad wants a relationship with me. I don't want one with him, because I know him very well, and I know that he does not want me to be who I am and will not accept me for who I am. He knows next to nothing about me and refuses to learn because it would hurt his pride to admit that he has never sought my heart.

Why do I wear it? I think, honestly, I like it that my dad went out of his way for me (even though it was only in a financial sense). That matters to me. Even though consciously I almost resent the ring, resent what it represents to me.

feelings: reflective
sounds: Massive Attack: "Black Milk"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
i_own_taffy ══╣╠══
Hello. =o) I'm new to your LJ, but I've been reading it for a lil while and you are really interesting.
Anyways, I just wanted to ask some questions about this entry hehe. I hope you don't mind.
I was just wondering what colour is your betta? I used to have a blue one named Bartholomew. =o)
Also, what breed is Kanika? She's very pretty.
<3
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Well, Hya's different colors...
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Kanika is a mix, mainly American Shorthair I'd guess.
jessbarely ══╣╠══
my ex just got me a ring in an attempt to win me back right before he left and decided that he wanted to take a "break". the ring is gorgeous, and i want to wear it because i am girlie like that...but i can't right now becuase it represents pain for me...so i get what your saying. just because someone spends some good money on you, doesnt mean that your "all better"
darkpool ══╣╠══
I've Had this happen before, with people who want to give one money rather than actual attention. I ten to just take it for what it's worth and try not to let the fact that said person doesn't want a relationship with me bother me. I take them as being seperate things. Like "how sad that they don't want a relationship" and seperatly "Hey cool I got something neat." and try not to associate them. You don't have to say that your dad gave you the ring, you can just say you got it for your birthday and not say who from, most people won't tend to ask I've found.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Well, I tried not saying who it was from, saying it was a gift, and then they asked who from. Go figure. :-p
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
just because someone spends some good money on you, doesnt mean that your "all better"

You hit the nail on the head. And it feels like they're trying to guilt you into being happy with them... it just doesn't work that way.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aww
kanika so pretty!!
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Re: aww
;-) She thinks so too -- she loves looking at herself in the mirror.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
heehee!
vain kitty =)
digitalmiasma ══╣╠══
Kanika is so cute! I haven't taken photos of my doggie recently. It's hard to make him be still.

The ring is really beautiful, though I understand why it's not easy for you to wear it.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Kanika is so cute! I haven't taken photos of my doggie recently. It's hard to make him be still.

Isn't she just? And if she feels like playing it's impossible for me to get photos of anything more than a blur. I just have to wait until she is in a sleepy, cuddly mood, and then take pictures. ;-)
maladroitkat ══╣a - herc kitten╠══
I love the first photo of Kanika. She looks so content.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
She was perfectly content right then, purring away.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
The last picture is *adorable*, fuzziness be damned! I love goofy kitty faces. :-)
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
;-) me too!
shespoke ══╣╠══
my dad and i have a sometimes good more than often bad relationship. sometime the only way he knows how to show affection is through money. when i was little if he yelled at me or something, he would not talk to me about it or apologize but i'd end up getting a special desert or something. it wasn't anything lavish but it was his way of saying, i'm sorry. i like the moments where he's a good dad, he's protective of me and has been there when i needed him. we have differences though, and i know that he'll never truly understand me and some of my viewpoints and beliefs. the part that bothers me about that though is that he won't even try, and even less respect me for how i feel. he gets his kicks from being controlling. for example, i haven't posted this yet but yesterday he randomly decided to change my curfew to 11 on weekends and 10 on weeknights. thats ridiculous when for 3 year now it's been 11to 12 on weekdays and 1 on weeknights. he's so random and i never know what to expect. i hope that one day you'll be able to reconcile with your dad though. cuz no matter what good or bad, he is your family.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
the part that bothers me about that though is that he won't even try, and even less respect me for how i feel.

Exactly. With my dad, it's like he is too proud to admit that he's spent my whole life ignoring who I am and trying to shape me into who he wanted me to be, and now he can't just admit that he knows nothing about me and start remedying that, he has to pretend he understands, which means continuing to ignore who I am. Even now that he's more mature, he can't take that first step toward a relationship with me because of his pride.
ohmysterious ══╣╠══
kanika is so cute! she does look mischievious. i love your ring, it looks big. i can relate about your dad. it makes me sad, but it's been that way for so long i feel i couldn't take the akwardness of changing things. espcially if i have to be the one to approach him.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you! She is mischievous! Crazy kitty.
ohmysterious ══╣╠══
oh yeah. i have bettas too. me and my boyfriend trained one of our girls to jump when we tap the cover of there tank. the girls are so pretty, and it's cool because you can keep them together and they are peacfull. and oh so beautifull.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
And they are so much smarter than most small fish! I trained my betta to 'kiss' the top of the water when I make kissy faces at him. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.