December 2017
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31


counseling with Patricia / the wall around me / anger at victimizers -- I feel ya, Jonah.


I went to counseling with Patricia this morning, and we didn't get specific this time either; just addressed the issue as a whole (by the way, she's so wonderful. She actually did her homework and read my entire file, and she wants to read my life story). I got very angry and afraid, was so emotional that I was shivering.

She told me that God showed her that I had built a wall around myself, and I could no longer see out. When I thought I was looking at God, I was looking at my own reflection in the wall, and essentially I had become my own god. So since I didn't have any love for myself, I saw God as having no love for me. After she said that I realized that when I was counseling with John, I was bringing up all these woundings that I had no clue how to handle, so I built a wall around myself -- the same wall that I wore from 4th to 10th grade, which God and I tore down together 5.5 years ago. Now it's back, and stronger than before, but this time it's between me and God instead of me and people. And I have to go through the dismantling again. And I have to trust and believe to even begin. Yet her seeing that gave me hope -- because I had proof of a sort that it wasn't that God didn't love me, but that I was blocking out his love. And I felt the truth in it.

Far more frightening, I realized that I had become convinced that God wanted me to go through what I went through, because deep down I believe that he doesn't care how I feel, but merely how he can use me to get his work done (because duh, that's how my dad treated me -- he told me repeatedly that he didn't care how I felt, he just cared that I did what I was told). And I'm somewhat convinced that after I'm healed he's going to want me to sacrifice myself for the sake of others, because he doesn't consider my body important. Now with my MIND I know he's not like that, but my feelings are independent of my mind on this subject.

Patricia actually cares about me. She's so patient, and I'm so real with her. I don't try to withhold my feelings for fear of offending or irritating her, and she accepts me and continues to treat me with kind honor; she never skips over any statement I make, but treats everything I say as important. She never wavers in her belief that God loves me (and herself), and that helps me to come closer to believing. And she says the word 'shit' with nary a stammer nor blush. Now that is the kind of counselor I want to be when I'm healed!

--------

She's making me read this book that I don't like though. It's about a woman who was abused and healed -- and forgave her parents (dad abused her for 15 years, mom knew about it) BEFORE THEY REPENTED. What the fuckin fuckity fuck?

I'm totally a Jonah on this right now. (Jonah was a man whom God sent to tell a city to repent or He'd kill them, but Jonah didn't want them to repent and be saved. Jonah wanted them to get what they deserved for being such wicked horrid people, so he ran away. God had to shipwreck him and have a whale swallow him before he agreed to go -- and he spent two days in the whale's belly getting convinced. When Jonah finally went and told them, they all repented immediately, which REALLY pissed him off.) I don't want victimizers to be forgiven. I don't want anyone to show them love ever. I want them to live horrible miserable lives and die and be tormented forever and ever. But God doesn't want that. I think I'm in the whale's belly right now, just got swallowed. It's gonna be a looooooooong two (or more) days.

P.S. sorry about the no comments lately -- I'll get to it tomorrow hopefully.

feelings: a little more hopeful
sounds: Phil Collins: "Against All Odds" in my head for some reason
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
kevloid ══╣╠══
whos patricia? is she some kind of spiritual counsellor? you've talked about her before, and I thought she was your psycologist or therapist.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
She's a spiritual counselor who uses a mix of modern psychology and God-led spirituality to bring understanding and healing. So it's therapy, but from a Christian perspective, I guess.
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
(HUG) We love you

Toadie
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
aww, thank you. ;-)
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
Oh you are welcome, I am always here for a hug or talking to or venting to or.....whatever.......I am da toadie.....at your service goddess.......Still need to give you a goddess name.....:P

IM me on Yahoo sometime if you would like to talk.

Toadie
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
What's the book called? This might be helpful too. I haven't read it, but I know the author. There should be a summary on the page.

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
"Beauty for Ashes" by Joyce Meyer; half autobiography and half teaching.
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Oh I know Joyce Meyer. We watch her on tv every now and then. She's pretty cool.
mental_coercion ══╣╠══
You're lucky to find such an open and understanding counselor. Some others just do what comes to them naturally as professionals (like robots), but don't exactly consider a bigger picture and really try to understand you. If you get what I mean. I've never really come across a good counselor. In my opinion feeling relieved that someone has listened to you and given you advice you've heard before or expected to hear doesn't have a long-enough effect on the mind.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
In my opinion feeling relieved that someone has listened to you and given you advice you've heard before or expected to hear doesn't have a long-enough effect on the mind.

So true. Her sharing bits of her own journey has helped me more in two sessions than the 40 or so sessions I had with someone who didn't have experience or tell me anything I hadn't already heard.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Just a thought on the forgiveness thing. I remember you saying that you would not preach to someone, as only god can save them, something along those lines?

The women who was abused, and whose parents have not repented. Whether she forgives them makes little difference to them- they will be punished still, by something further (or not punished), whatever the abused women is feeling. Yes? But forgiving them helps her, the woman who was abused. It helps her heal herself. God would still judge the abusers, they will be punished, or saved, whichever. Maybe it is not up to the woman to make them repent, but only to forgive them.

I'm not religious, and I haven't read the book, so that is all speculation, it's just a thought.
beautymess ══╣╠══
Very good point.

I agree.

Another commenter, though, mentioned that forgiving is not just for the abused, but also for the abuser. I also agree with this.

An abuser may feel "better" about themselves after having been forgiven, but, as you've pointed out, that doesn't mean that they won't still be punished for their sin, or that they will repent. However, I think being forgiven could also help the abuser to reflect on what they did, how wrong it was, and possibly lead them to repentence (although I imagine this is not very often the case). Still, if there is a chance that they will repent, that they will change themselves and their lives and become a better person, I would want to give them that chance. It is better to have good people in the world than evil people, right? I would not be in a place where I would want them to be good, because I would only want their punishment, if I had not come to the point where I could forgive them, however.

Without forgiveness, the abused harbors so many ill feelings. How are they to heal when they carry around so much hate and anger toward someone else?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Without forgiveness, the abused harbors so many ill feelings. How are they to heal when they carry around so much hate and anger toward someone else?
Yes, exactly. And the proof that you are healed is that it doesn't hurt anymore... and for it not to hurt anymore you have to forgive them.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
I agree with that.

One of the ideas I have at the moment is partly the whole punishment as cure thing, and partly the thing about us all being unable to change how we act. That is, everything is determined by what happens in the past, we can't change the past, we can't change how the past affects our present or future, so we can't act any other way. Except not quite as extreme. But say someone was maybe abused when they were young, and that, among other things, caused them to abuse someone themselves when they are older (just as an example- I know it doesnt always happen, might not be the cause, etc). It wouldn't exactly be that persons fault- but that does not mean they should not be punished for it. Spending 10 years in prison will reset their inner workings, it could "cure" them. Punishment as a cure, and as reform, not just a way at "getting back" at people.

I don't believe in a God, so I don't believe that people will answer to some higher being. I believe in forgiveness, but also in punishment. Does this make sense? Course some people cannot be reformed, and they should be locked away. Even if they are forgiven, they should be locked away. I'm going off on a tangent here and not making much sense.

I would find it hard to forgive someone if they hurt anyone close to me. But the only way I would be healed would be once I had forgiven. It's a strange thing.
belenen ══╣╠══
Maybe it is not up to the woman to make them repent, but only to forgive them.
Exactly -- and that's the point Patricia was making. It's just so much harder to forgive someone who believes they haven't done anything wrong. I think part of why it is so hard for me is that I have a hard time trusting myself, so if someone says "I didn't do anything wrong" then it is hard for me to believe that they actually did do something wrong. And how can I fogrive them if they haven't done anything wrong? It's a tangled web of thought.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Tis difficult then. But at least you know that what you have to do is trust yourself, and thats a start :)

If anyone ever does or says anything to hurt you, and they have no good reason, then they are wrong. They might not realise it, and sometimes all you can do then is pity them for their errors and forgive them.
shespoke ══╣╠══
it sounds like you have a therapist who truly cares about you. mine made me read a book once that i really really really did NOT want to read. i did though, and it helped. they do know what they're talking about when they ask you to do something. it's for your own good. so get over being jonah girl! i know you can do this. :)
digitalmiasma ══╣╠══
Can't relate to what you said about God, but I do relate to building a wall around you since I've been pretty much living behind a wall for 4 years now. I want things to change yet I do nothing about it.

About the last thing you spoke about, I don't think I'd be able to forgive something like that either.

But I'm sure you'll do what you feel in your heart is right and that you'll break that wall down.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.