July 2017
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ashley love / ben love / the destructive anger


I woke up so emotionally sick that my body was reacting -- I felt like I had to throw up and I could barely move, I had so little energy. Ben told me to call in sick, so I did (nervously, I always feel like they're going to yell at me), and he took care of me, cuddled me in bed and made me dinner, watched Friends with me... and then Ashley called, found out I felt ill and came right over to take care of me (no I didn't ask, and she didn't even offer, she just told me she was going to do it). She held me and petted my hair and we talked... I don't remember what about (I was really out of it). Then she decided to make dinner for us, and sent Ben to the store to get the stuff.

By the time she started dinner, she had snuggled me for over an hour, and given my weak spirit so much strength. I was laying on her legs for most of the time, and when I finally sat up, I felt about 20 pounds lighter. She has such a gift, her touch is so encouraging. Just the fact that I have an unashamed cuddle-buddy is so encouraging.

And she spoke my love language for sure when she dropped everything and came over just to love on me. Going out of your way for me is the thing that makes me feel the most loved (which is why I love to go out of my way for my friends). Physical touch is second. She gives me both, and in plenty.

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Ben and I have been ironing our relationship a lot lately... the other day he got angry and acted destructive, and this time actually against something important to me (no, he didn't hit me or anything like that, it wasn't something that would upset everybody) and it made him realize that he really is very destructive when he's angry. He usually controls it, but this time he didn't, and he saw what I had seen all along. But it broke something in him to have been malicious like that, and he prayed, and he changed. I didn't think that it affected everyday life, but I have seen a difference in his spirit since then. He's much more open.

We also talked about the ways we show love... and we've both been guilty of showing love only in our own love language. He thought he was making me feel loved by complimenting me, watching friends/movies together, putting away his jacket (being a little neater), etc. And although that stuff is great, it fills like 15% of my needed-love quota. He feels loved when I just spend time in the same room, because he's a quality activities person -- proximity is a display of love. (he also feels loved when I do something for him or sincerely compliment him) But he was showing me love his way, and since his needed-love quota was pretty full, he assumed mine was. It wasn't, but I didn't really know that until Ashy started pouring tons of physical-touch and going-out-of-your-way love on me. So I finally realized that and expressed it to Ben, and he changed again; altered his way of thinking about going out of his way for me, and offered a commitment to pet me for at least five minutes every day.

He petted me today, stroking my hair, and he looked really honestly happy to do it. We stared into each other's eyes a lot, and I realized for the millionth time how amazingly beautiful he is.

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A few years ago I noticed that I get depressed March and most of April... and then the day before March I'm emotionally/spiritually sick. Not a good start. It might not happen this year though. I can hope. I have no clue why that is... though it might simply be that I can't stand cold, and the longer it's not warm, the unhappier I get.
feelings: stronger
sounds: Fono: "Burn"
connecting: ,


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.