November 2017
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pain, trusting Ben / crying is not shameful / time with Ashley and Kevin


I had counseling this morning, and it didn't seem like we went that deep. Mainly because she's not sure that I am committed to getting healed (because of all the pain that comes with opening that stuff) and she's not going to push me. Yet when I got home and relaxed, I suddenly felt like my heart was breaking, and I cried and cried and cried because I felt... used. And Ben comforted me, but that was hard for me to accept because he's a man, and I really can't trust men right now. So I had two battles going on -- the struggle between accepting or shoving down the pain, and the struggle between accepting Ben's love or pushing him away. I actually won both battles though, now that I think about it. But good grief, every touch scared me, and the only place that he could touch me without me freaking out was my back. And at the same time I wanted the comfort of sex, only a little bit though. Good grief, the pain felt like I was being... abused. Like it was happening. But there were no thoughts with it, just the feeling. I couldn't get in a safe position either, didn't feel safe on my back or my tummy. But Ben was so careful. And I'm proud of myself for not shoving him away. I know I need to trust him, even though it's hard, and I know he's trustworthy.

I used to be ashamed to cry. I'm still kinda ashamed to admit it here, in front of other people. I feel like it's weak, like I'm going to be judged as a wimp who can't handle life. But that is a LIE taught to me by people who didn't want to deal with the guilt and discomfort of me being unhappy; they wanted me to stifle my feelings so that they could feel like everything was fine. Crying is just as natural as laughter, dammit, and it is necessary for processing pain. I refuse to believe that it's weak; I choose to believe that it is a honest expression and worthy of as much honor as any other display of emotion. (of course, crying for reasons other than strong emotion is different)

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Ashley and Kevin (a maybe-to-be-catholic and a born-catholic) went to my (very non-denominational) church today , but we were late and missed worship, and then there was a guest speaker, so they didn't even get to hear PJ preach. I was disappointed, but they agreed to come again next week, yay. ;-) Then we went to my favorite mexican restaurant and then to my favorite coffeeshop ('cause Ashley loves to make me happy -- all her idea) and then came back and -- played Boggle. And not just any Boggle, Deluxe Boggle with 25 letter cubes. And Ashley beat me, dammit, I'm used to winning. It was fun and I've decided that Kevin is worthy of Ashley -- he's very thoughtful and attentive and he makes her happy.
She dressed up (for me, she said) and looked beautiful -- I took pictures and I'm going to make her at least one red-headed icon.

While at church, I had Spencer and Paula pray for me about this counseling stuff, and they both prayed passionately, and I felt their love. It was healing for me, I rested in it and felt stronger. And I feel sure that Spencer (at least, probably Paula too, but she's very busy and kinda forgetful) will continue to pray for me, and that is encouraging. Oh, and one of those little things that delights me -- I hugged Paula when I saw her today, and she said, "Hey! I missed you last week!" and I knew that she was referring to when I tried to catch her attention but she was preoccupied -- Spencer saw though, and he must have told her.

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PS. WHERE THE HELL DID anar_anar GO?
PPS. If you haven't, please fill out my would-you-listen-to-an-entire-mix-CD-of-my-favorite-bands poll and my necklace design poll. It'll only take you a few minutes and a couple of clicks and it would make me very happy.

feelings: stronger
sounds: Sunny Day Real Estate: "Shadows"
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Comments
mimimandy ══╣╠══
You do the whole counseling crap too eh..? So do I. I don't like it. You seem a bit further in the therapy process than I am. I hate showing emotion towards anyone and I get disgusted when someone tries to comfort me,w ell either that or I freak on them. I always feel like a freak about it, and sometimes even though I know I shouldn't, I avoid going deep with my therapist. I get the not trusting people espically guys, I still don't know how, I doubt I'll ever learn. I don't know your story but I'm sorry that you had to go through whatever it was. It sucks.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs* We'll get there. I hope you get the courage to go deep with your therapist.
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
I truely hope you don't mind me praying for you, because I have been doing so for a while now.......(HUG)

You know, I think the one man in the whole world you shouldn't fear or -NOT- trust, is the man that loves you truely.......(HUG again)

Toadie (P.O.T.S. - Philosiphizing Ogre in Tap Shoes)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
well of course I don't mind you praying for me! I'm blessed.

You know, I think the one man in the whole world you shouldn't fear or -NOT- trust, is the man that loves you truly.

He does love me truly, he's so patient with me and my fucked-up-ness. I can't wait to be healed and actually able to accept the love he gives me.
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
*shitty memory at it again - can't remember if she did answered the CD one or not*

Nondenominational church, or nondenominational Christian church? Just curious.

(You'll have to excuse my church-ignorance on this one) how can a church have a guest speaker? (Heh, this is not in any way meant to be insulting, but I kind of have this mental image of the preacher/pastor/whomever saying "Alright, and I'd like everyone to welcome Jesus to our church today, let's have a big round of applause for Jesus!") Do they just bring in other preachers? Hmmmm. Churches confuse me.

I must admit, I'm always kind of surprised to hear how understanding Ben is about everything, just because it's not usually in basic human nature to be that understanding. You're very lucky, he sounds like a wonderful man.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
(nope, you didn't answer the CD poll)

nondenominational Christian church.

Well, our pastor preaches 6 times every weekend, the same sermon for 6 different services. Since he works such a grueling pace (his during-the-week schedule is just as packed), every fifth weekend we have a guest speaker so that he can have some time to rest. The guest speaker will either be someone giving their testimony, or the co-pastor of each service, or a pastor that PJ brings in.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
Crying isnt weak...its a well-needed release at times. Im glad your opening yourself up to being able to cry without shame.

belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
me too. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i pray for your healing, too, luv.

i also abhor crying, my mom would use it and massive guilt to get her way at all times (i love her, but she's beyond a spoiled baby of the family), and my father basically taught me that emotion was wrong. (i remember falling down the stairs at age 6, which i had never done before, and his sister, my aunt, telling me i had better shut up, or she would give me something to really cry about... i was freaking SIX and had fallen down the STAIRS, i was scared, damnit!) so i guess i emotionally picked a pot in the middle, which is blazing apathy. or maybe that's more on my father's side of things? i dunno.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
i pray for your healing, too, luv.
That means so much to me. Honestly, I felt loved (very strongly) when I read it.
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I hate to think what your father's parents were like, if they turned your father and aunt into such machines... Well, you and I will just have to nurse each other into honest expression of emotion. *huggggg*
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
duchesse20 ══╣Black&White(Bluebl00d)╠══
Crying is not a sign of weakness. I completely dissagree with that! I agree that crying is part of the healing process. Regardless what pain your are feeling. You feel like you need to cry, let it out. Doesn't matter where you are. I've learnt that when I had to deal with something that I thought I couldn't! It helped me a lot and still does today!

So girlie, if you need to cry, I say go for it! Don't be ashamed and don't worry about what others might think of it! You need it, not them! :D
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thanks for the encouragement!
thesaj ══╣╠══
Just a thought....

Our brain works on associations. It is a neural network and creates pattern recognitions for everything.

This is why, although I agree with spanking children in certain cases (better a little pain than little johnny dead in the road courtesy of bouncing ball and passing car). But I adhere to the concept of building associations within children. Don't use your hand to spank, instead have a belt, a magazine, a glove (to at least cover your hand). This way the hand (which is how one often shows their love and affection via touch) is not associated in the mind with the spankings. Make sense...?

Now you are probably wondering why I mention this or how it's even relevant to your post. Well, I was thinking about the issue of touch that you expressed with Ben. Both needing his touch, even desiring intimate contact and comfort. But at the same time being uncomfortable with the touch and the associations. And how any male touch, even good touch had associative ties. And I was thinking how could you disassociate such touches.

i don't know if this would help....but try to find an object, something soft or such. Something like a small stuffed animal. Preferbly one you don't like and find hideous, ugly, poorly colored, etc.

Then in your mind think of this object being associated with the bad memories. This allows you to objectify the feelings. And give them a physical form so to say. This way you associate all the horrible touches to your holding this object. It's an attempt to re-wire the patterns in the brain to create a new association in hopes of breaking it from the global association of touch. Hopefully, this will allow you to seperate out the horrors and diminunize them. Then, also hopefully allow you to receive touch. Because you re-associate them with your holding this object. So the only contact they have with you is you holding them in your hands. Hopefully this will allow you to be touched, comforted, etc. elsewhere....simply hugged even. Now, afterwards, it may take sometime until you can show, express love during said state via your hands. But as you heal that should pass. And I think Ben loves you enough to understand such for a season.

Seperate the "love" from the "punishment"....

((((HUGS)))
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
It sounds like a very good idea, but I don't think I could handle it... at least not now. I think after first trying that, I wouldn't be able to touch it again.
thesaj ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
kouhaataru ══╣╠══
Hey sorry to kind of spam advice but... while I would love to take the time and check out your whole journal to see the exact nature of your problem and what you're doing about it (I remember something about sexual abuse, correct me if I'm wrong) I simply do not have the time at the moment so I thought I'd just tell you about something I heard.

Like I said maybe you are past this point but, I read a book that at one point dealt with the matter of a woman recovering from abuse (I'm not sure that it was sexual though) and I thought it might be a consideration. In that book, they started with having the man lie on HIS stomach fully clothed and not moving at all. The woman then gave him a massage or otherwise had her hands on him and they repeated that until she became more comfortable and they were able to do it in other positions and so on, later moving to the man touching her more and so on. It WAS a book so of course they went through it a lot faster than I imagine it takes in real life, and maybe you already know about that kind of thing, but I just thought it was a consideration and perhaps a chance for my random knowledge to have a point so I threw it out there.

I am not a praying man myself (can't decide who or what to pray to) but I will keep you in my considerations nonetheless.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Well, the short version of the story is that I had several (not sure how many) experiences of sexual abuse as a child, and now I'm working through them in counseling, as well as other issues caused by poor parenting (we all have at least a few of those).

That method you mentioned appeals to me, and now that you mention it, I realize that I feel much more comfortable recieving touch from Ben when I initiate it, probably because then it's not at all associated with the abuse. But initiating it is hard too, 'cause of trust issues... Still, I will keep that in mind and try to initiate more often.

Thank you, appreciate the kind thoughts.
kouhaataru ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shespoke ══╣╠══
I'm glad you won your battles. Consouling is a tough thing to go through cuz it forces you to confront issues that you do NOT want to confront, but need too. I'm always ashamed to cry in front of people. But I know it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you're human. I admire you a lot for being the human that you are.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
thank you.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.