November 2017
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painful ambivalence... fighting to be weak


There's a room in my soul that's filled with pain. I've kept it locked up because pain makes me weak, and I can't bear to be weak. When pain happens to me now I deal with it rather than shoving it into the room, but there are years and many horrible experiences in that room, many that I never even processed enough to realize that they exist.

I've always been the strong one. I've always been the one people relied on -- my parents relied on me to take care of my siblings, my mother relied on me to tell her what to do and convince her that she was worthy, my father relied on me to make wonderful grades so that he'd have something to be proud of his kids about, my friends relied on me to be there for them (which is healthy, except that most of the time they weren't there for me), I relied on myself to keep myself from falling apart, Ben relies on me to work and make a money cushion so that we aren't merely surviving hand-to-mouth...

I've never allowed myself to rely on anyone else, not really. Relying on someone means that if they don't come through, something is amiss -- I rely on people, but keep enough distance that if they don't come through, I say to myself, 'oh well, you knew better than to trust them, let's build an invisible wall.' Because I am so much more open than most people that I can build walls that they can't see -- I feel distance, but they don't. And then I either slowly paint the wall so that they're blocked out, or I tear it down again.

I'm at a crossroads now. I can either continue to yank the door open, snatch out a bit of pain, slam the door shut and work out that one bit... or I can open the door and not shut it and be overwhelmed and drowned and crushed by the pain, until I've felt it all and there is nothing left to fear. I can either spend the rest of my life trying to do it gradually while it slowly kills me, or I can be weak, let my guard down, and be useless for a time. And I know I will be useless. I don't know how long, but I know it will break me down.

I sound matter-of-fact, but this is the most painful ambivalence I've ever experienced. I've gotten past fear of the pain itself -- now all that's holding me back is fear of being useless, broken, and unreliable for a time. Fear of trusting in God and Ben to take care of me. It seems so puny and silly a fear as I write it down. I want so badly to not have to be a responsible adult; I want to be the one that gets taken care of... I'm sick of being responsible for everything, but I'm deathly afraid of letting go.

feelings: drained
sounds: Seventh Day Slumber: "Spiraling"
connecting: ,

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Comments
thesaj ══╣╠══
awwwww.....

we (darkpool and I) just read this together...you have a good heart, (speaking of which, i want to thank you for coming to my defense today)....

while you described what you did, the room....it reminded me of my own room. I too had a room, however, mine was essentially empty. All that was inside it was a single trunk. This room was down a long hall and past so many others. Inside that trunk was a canvas bag wiggling about. And inside of that, a three headed worm/serpent - it's body winding through my half devoured heart. It wailed and hissed because, it too, was wounded. As if hit and driven thru by a nail spiked bat. It was locked away in the trunk and hidden in the farthest room in hopes of being forgotten. But as far away as it was....it was never far enough away to completely drown out it's hissing wails.

So your room reminded me of my own....

But when you described what you did, even before i finished reading I thought to myself "or, you (Belenen) could open that door....but instead of standing alone be amongst a few friends who would help you remove and work out chunks from the closet."

((((HUGS from me and Kimberley))))
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Maybe the three-headed worm was your sense of masculinity or, even more simply, your sense of self. And you saw it as dangerous...

Thank you to you and Kyra, this comment really blessed me.
thesaj ══╣╠══
I think for me they epitomized the feelings of bitterness, rage, and despair....that were devouring my heart.

For a while, I didn't think my heart could ever be restored. I had a picture in my mind and was so fearful of this hardened heart and that when I would finally hit it with a pick-hammer that I'd crack right through the hardened shell only to find powdered dust of what once was a my soft and loving heart.

It was in a spiritual tussle with God that I demanded of him a blessing. And not a material but a spiritual blessing. I did not care what it was....I just cried and yelled at him and demanded his blessing....even if it destroyed me. If he could not bless me spiritually than he would not be my God. Did I border on blasphemy? perhaps....but probably no more than Jacob wrestling the divine. And cried...even if it was but a name....just like Jacob. Even if that was all I was to receive....but I needed something.

It turned out that was exactly what God gave me. He whispered to me.... "you are mora, bitter, but you shall be called bitter no more....for you shall be sweetened for I will sweeten you and you shall be called "Sweetened by God". That is my spiritual name...and it is only with God that I am sweet. Without him the bitternesses of my heart consume me.

I hope this helped in someway....
12thknight ══╣eyesofaugust╠══
::hug::

I think that, with any garbage - emotional or real - there is no away. Wherever we throw it, it'll still exist. Wherever you've thrown your garbage, it's still burdening you - the rot is suffocating you. It's close by, because you speak of it as "your room", near the center of your soul.

When I have had painful things in the center of my soul, I lacked the strength to purge them, to throw them toward the borders and let my better heart be the center of my soul and guide me. I lacked the strength and center for healthy love as well. All good things are denied a person if there is that leaden room in the center - I think the reflex is to give and give energy and love we cannot spare in the desperate attempt to receive something in return so we can displace the private pain. And the reflex fails us, for unless we're very, very lucky, that love finds black holes who gorge on the attention and give nothing in return.

The few comments and pieces of your life I've read lead me to believe that you have a remarkable heart. There may be few windows, and some of those may be shattered or neglected, but the stonework soars like a cathedral's walls. And even after war and want, if the stone is good, everything else can be repaired.

I pray the people you entrust with your love return that love refined, and provide you with the energy to move that room away from where it lies heavy in you. You deserve the softest, brightest, most radiant light from every window.

belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I think the reflex is to give and give energy and love we cannot spare in the desperate attempt to receive something in return so we can displace the private pain.
Ah, how well I know that reflex. Although I had never thought about that before.

On the emotional garbage, I kinda agree. I think there is no 'garbage' in your soul, there are just broken bits of you that look like garbage because they aren't healthy and useful. And you can't really get rid of them, you can either lock them away or heal them...

The few comments and pieces of your life I've read lead me to believe that you have a remarkable heart. There may be few windows, and some of those may be shattered or neglected, but the stonework soars like a cathedral's walls. And even after war and want, if the stone is good, everything else can be repaired.

I pray the people you entrust with your love return that love refined, and provide you with the energy to move that room away from where it lies heavy in you. You deserve the softest, brightest, most radiant light from every window.


Thank you, and thank you. Those words meant so much to me... they soothed my spirit.

Thank you.
shespoke ══╣╠══
I have the hardest time relying on people. I say that I do but I always have a back up game plan in my mind. I need to learn to trust, FULLY trust. I really hope that I can learn to do that with Chris. With my parents, with SOMEONE out there. It's something that I have honestly never done before, b/c I can relate when you say that you were always the one that people came too. I basically raised my sister and talked my mom through her troublesome marriage, made money for my dad from my job when he'd spend his on things we didn't need. etc etc. I hope that you choose to trust fully; from what I've heard it is a beautiful thing and anyone on the outside looking in can guarrentee you that Ben and God will love you and take care of you. If something happens, and it all falls apart, maybe that's ok. Because in the bigger picture you trusted and that's more important.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. I so very much appreciate you saying that. It really touched me.
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
I totally know where you are coming from.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
The thing about pain is that it is harmless. Pain is there to let you know you've been hurt, like if you put your hand on a hot plate. Tells you to take your hand away, look after yourself. Maybe don't use your hand for a while to give it a chance to heal- but not forever. That's body pain. Mind/spirit pain is pretty much the same. Pain isn't the problem; the problem is whatever caused that pain to start with.

I can either spend the rest of my life trying to do it gradually while it slowly kills me, or I can be weak, let my guard down, and be useless for a time.

I think you know which you really think best, from this it seems so. this guard, that is guarding one part of yourself; the bit you call you, from the other part; the bit with the pain. And only you as a whole person can do anything about the pain.

I think maybe the pain was locked away long ago, when you were a weaker person. Back then it would have felt pretty unconquerable. But now you are a much stronger person- but you still see your pain through your old eyes. Then maybe what you need to do is to force it away from the past, into the present, and you have the strength to heal yourself. You do have Ben, and your faith: but more importantly, you have yourself, the new you, the strong one, as you are now. The responsible one. When you look at your pain then you are going back in time because it is locked away. If you unlock it then you will be able to deal with it.

Thats the way it seems to me anyway, the way you talk about it. You just need the power to yank it all out into the present, look at it from the "now" perspective. Like when you walk into a building you knew when you were a child, and it looks so much smaller. Your mind has grown. At the moment you're walking through this building on your knees. Get up.

Again, this is just the way it seems to me. I might be entirely wrong. However, I believe in you, and I know I'm not alone there.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I think maybe the pain was locked away long ago, when you were a weaker person.... you have yourself, the new you, the strong one, as you are now. The responsible one.

Well, I've always been strong, always been responsible, too strong and too responsible... too strong to allow something to break me down. But I need to break down. It's like a broken bone that healed wrong -- it has to be broken again and re-set in order to be truly healed, otherwise it will always have pain, even though one might be able to hobble along. I have to allow myself to experience the pain that I had locked away from myself, otherwise it will stay forever locked within me, slowly poisoning me.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
...and now you will be leaving work and have plenty of time to heal!

Carrying on the broken leg metaphor, it will be one big wrench and then the pain will get less and less, and you can just lie back and take it easy and let people look after you as well, get your thoughts in order. Eat ice-cream! (I think thats what people with broken bones do)

I'm all excited now about the image of you no longer hobbling! You'll be so beautiful!
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
I'm all excited now about the image of you no longer hobbling! You'll be so beautiful!

I think that's the most wonderful, beautiful, loving thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you with every bit of me.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you for believing in me.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.