August 2017
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dancing passion / Patricia / missing Kaylene in a wistful way


The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

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It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.
feelings: wistful
sounds: Portishead: "All Mine"
connecting: , , , ,


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.