July 2017
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disassociation / taking authority over myself / PJ validates my quest for transparency


When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. She said what aubkabob and chapeco said, that the houses represent me. She also asked how I communicated with that guy and girl that I was so close with, and I realized that we thought the same thoughts. Then she explained a little about disassociation -- where your brain creates a new persona to deal with whatever trauma is happening. Going by my dream, I have two or three main selves, one of whom is male, apparently, and a crowd of lesser selves, probably created only for a moment. And I remembered a memory that had confused the hell out of me when it came up -- I was lying on the floor, held down by a man with a knife, and there were five or six toddlers standing around me watching, unable to do anything and completely not understanding, but scared. That memory didn't make sense to me, because I never even knew that many toddlers so close in age -- but if they were/are parts of me, that makes perfect sense, especially since they seemed to be one in mind.

She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents , how I feel about Paula and Spencer, how I'm afraid to trust Patricia herself. She told me that it was perfectly okay to want parents -- but she didn't tell me what to do, so I'm still lost, kinda, on that. It really hurt to pull up all that stuff, explaining it to her... and she didn't seem suitably impressed with how wonderful they were to me. She mentioned that all the things they did for me seemed wonderful to me, since I was so starved for kindness, but they could all be interpreted as self-serving, also. That hurt. I didn't want to think that -- but you know, maybe it's true. Later I had a similar conversation with Ben, without telling him what Patricia said, and he said a lot of the same things. I felt like they treated me like a daughter, but maybe they were just treating me how they'd have treated anyone in my position. ow.

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.
feelings: thankful
sounds: Massive Attack: "Everywhen"
connecting: , , , , , , ,


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.