November 2017
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Slap Paintbrush



Slap Paintbrush

The world paints me colors
they say I fit their image
and claim I am niether more
nor less.

The world is a swirling bucket of stains.
With their paintbrushes they slap me --
seeing only their own color.

"Hmmm... Green, yep, a soothing green,"
they insist,
"So quiet and reserved;
never gets upset, just stays calm and in control."

Splash, slap.

"She's yellow,
so sunny and cheerful, bouncy and outgoing,"
they smile,
"just a darling."

Splash, slap.

"Red, red as blood. MY blood,"
they moan.
"Impatient and harsh,
her temper rises faster than the sun on a dreaded day."

Splash, slap.

"Violet. She's vibrant,
passionate, zealous, very emotional,"
they nod knowingly.
"Little things can crush her or give her wings."

Splash, slap.

"Definitely blue.
That girl is never satisfied!"
they complain.
"Nothing's ever good enough, especially herself."

Splash, slap.

"A tender indigo,"
they say thoughfully.
"Always compassionate and understanding,
she seems to feel others' pain."

Splash, slap.

"She's dark. I'd even say black,"
they state firmly.
"She has a fascination with death and torture,
and she insists upon being different; how rebellious! Stubborn! Wicked!"

Splash, slap.

"Orange is her color,"
they grimace.
"She is as bitter as an orange peel,
sarcastic and selfish."

Splash, slap.

"White and pure as the driven snow,"
they coo dotingly.
"So chaste and innocent,
holy, dedicated, and modest."

Splash, slap.

"Oh, she is brown!"
They declare.
"She is one of us, a mixture of our colors maybe,
but essentially the same!"

Splash, slap.

I am not a saint.
I'm not a demon.
I don't fit their ideas.
My complexity is too strange for them.
I am too much for their parochial minds.

Sometimes I weep and other times I moan.
Often I laugh but also I scream.
It is utterly unbearable for me
to be shoved in a box with the top slammed shut,
slicing off whatever doesn't fit.

Why do they refuse to see all of me?
They just focus on what they wish to see.
But I don't fit any of their mass-produced categories.

When it is too much for me,
when I am frustrated
and my soul is torn to tatters by the struggle,
when I'm pulling out my hair and screaming with vexation,
crying tears of pain and rage,

I turn to my Jesus,
the only One who truly understands,
who actually knows me better than I know myself.

I plead with him desperately,
"who am I, God?
...so confused.
Are they all wrong --
or am I?"

And my Lover smiles gently.
"They are wrong, my precious one --
you are no earthly color,
for I have made you mine."

He sweeps me close to Him,
his everlasting arms close tightly, protecting me, healing, comforting.
"Fear not, my love, my dear one," he whispers.
"They cannot see you because you are not of them."

"You are less of any than you are of all.
Though the others can see those colors in you,
it's because you shimmer, iridescent.
Truly, you are my color number eleven,
and one day you will be recognized."

_____________________________________________

that was hard to type out, 'cause it's such old writing and it seems shitty to me, but it was a deep truth of my soul at the time, so please don't make fun.

feelings: numb
sounds: Portishead: "Only You"

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Comments
darkpool ══╣╠══
I like it a lot. There's rough pathes in the writing but over all it quite good, and I love the concept. It's beautiful.
Do you see orange as bitter?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you.

and yes, orange has always seemed a horribly bitter color to me. Probably partly 'cause I chewed on a bit of orange rind as a kid (kindergarten senses experiment), and let me tell you, there is nothing more bitter-nasty.
cph9680 ══╣╠══
I really, really like it.

And my Lover smiles gently.
"They are wrong, my precious one --
you are no earthly color,
for I have made you mine."

...I'd have to say those are my favorite lines, but overall I like the various colors and the whole thing is superb!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you! I'm glad you liked it. ;-)
evileve ══╣╠══
make fun??!! you gotta be kidding me.
You know better than that.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
;-)
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
Very nice, I like it. interesting writing style too.

Toadie (still wondering if he is banished from being a friend)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
nope, not banished, I'm just turning over in my head how to reply.
toadiedeogre ══╣╠══
Thank you. If it helps, it was a bit of fun.........you know I was a victim too, I know how they feel........someone made that test up for fun, and you are the only one that seems to have a problem with taking it seriously. Sorry you wanted open and honest.....here I am.

Toadie
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
Holy shit.

I absolutely-freaking love that poem. This coming from a girl who for so long was the one cutting off the pieces to fit inside the boxes I made for myself, the boxes I believed everyone was telling me to fit into. My spirit responded to the poem as I read it - I could feel it shifting around in me, perking up as I read the words. I'll tell you why - because the colors are beautiful, but they are just plain colors. Just apples and oranges... and I have flash backs, for a moment, to Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Willy Wonka showed the children and the families the wall with all the crazy wild fruits on them. (Remember? The Razzleberry and others of that nature.) I was always so afraid that I would be one of the plain colors. I would have been bored with myself. But I'm not - I'm wilder and more exciting than I allowed myself to anticipate as even a distant possibility. And so I appreciated and loved your poem because it reminded me of how I tried to squelch myself and stuff myself into those pre-made boxes and how much happier I am when I'm free.

Only I think I need to trust God more? I'm not sure how I feel about that just now.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
And I absolutely love this comment! I'm glad my old old poem spoke to you. :-)
cemetary_breeze ══╣╠══
wow..that gave me chills..it was so good..its basically how i feel..in your poem..wow..great job..thats one of the best things ive heard ahem..read! wow!
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
wow, I'm glad it spoke so deeply to you! And thank you for the compliment. ;-)
smurfb1ue ══╣╠══
It's so raw and emotional...almost as if you ripped your heart out for everyone to see if that makes any sense. I connect to the last stanza "You are less of any than you are of all."
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
mental_coercion ══╣╠══
I don't think anyone would dare to make fun of that, because it's actually quite good. It flows, it all falls into place perfectly, so I don't think you should criticize it too much - even if you did write it 5 years ago. The most important thing is the way the reader receives the message, which made your poem's lucidity stand out. And once again, you should be credited on your originality - it's all you :)
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I'm overly sensitive about my poetry now, because I posted some in a 'poetry rating' forum and got it ripped to shreds, so I feel like all my stuff is shit.

But you know what, true poetry may use the path of the brain, but the important thing is that it speaks to the spirit... and apparently this one does, to some people, so it counts as poetry. ;-)

Thank you.
atlanta06 ══╣╠══
Wow...That's so enlightening...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you.
emptywineglass ══╣╠══
That was really really cool. Very good structure and an interesting way to look at the changes people go through in thier lives. There's things there that everyone can relate to.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
thank you! I'm pleased that it interested you.
emptywineglass ══╣╠══
:)
nudegrandma ══╣╠══
I've added you. Amazing woman you seem to be. And I did add my little signature to your website. Very nice place you have there...here too.

Don't be so hard on yourself about the poetry...I think it's just beautiful.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
thank you! I'll check out your journal too. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.