February 2018
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I don't feel black enough. And that makes me feel stiff and boring and inadequate. And I know it all has to do with my dream of being part of Paula and Spencer's family. That stupid fucking dream just won't DIE. DAMN YOU! I want to carve out my idiotic heart and slice it into tiny pieces. STOP HURTING ME stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop, please. Why can't I get over this? And I wonder... if I was black or if I just had more 'black culture,' would Paula trust me more? Would she call me like she calls Danica? Would I be part of their lives? Paula wanted to be Danica's 'spiritual mother' -- but with me, she freaked out and got very cold when I confessed that I wanted that from her... and Danica's white too. But something's different about her, something that makes her 'fit.' Danica's an incredible person, but am I not too? What's wrong with me? I know I lack, show me where and I will work on it I promise!

Please don't tell me that I'm fine the way I am or that my culture is fine and I shouldn't try to be something I'm not... I know I'm fucked up and I know I have racism and I KNOW that and I'm trying to get over it, really I am. But white culture is incredibly boring, stiff, colorless, dull, lying, for the most part. There are wonderful subcultures, I know... but.

I love Paula and Spencer and my brother and William and my babygirl so very much but I try hard never to think about them because it always, always makes me cry. I'm writing this entry blind with tears. I wish I wish I could just LET IT GO.

feelings: devastated
connecting: ,

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sidheblessed ══╣ponr╠══
*hugs tight*
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you.
invisibleglue ══╣beetori╠══
Most people just want to belong :(

When I was younger, I wished so hard that I was white because I got teased and I was made to feel that I was inferior and weird. I've finally come to terms with the person that I am, and you know what? I like it! I hope that one day you'll like yourself just the way you are. Until then....

*extreme hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Thank you. I really really appreciate your understanding. *hugs back*
wittypnai ══╣╠══
awww *hugz
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*hugs back*
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Sweetie, I am black, and people don't think I'm black enough. That's hard to deal with too. It's like why can't we just be treated fairly based on personality? I'm sure if there was a class called Black 101, people would still complain about that. :P I hope you feel better.
partywhipple ══╣╠══
Yeah this is almost exactly the sentiment I was going to express. This and "the grass is always greener...".
belenen ══╣╠══
sugarmaplelife ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you, I appreciated this. I will think on it. ;-)

Also thanks for the well-wishes.
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
I was reading through Nik's and her friends' journals for the first time all week...I was really touched by this post...

I'm biracial, but I look strictly Caucasian...extremely fair skin (I think I might be whiter than Nik)...I look a whole lot like both of my parents, especially my mom (the black half). I have cousins on my mom's side who have had white friends...but they never accepted me or acknowledged me as a friend. I'm the black/white sheep of the family.

It seems that...my father's side of the family doesn't like me because I'm half black...and my mother's side of the family doesn't like me because I'm half white.

It was even an issue in high school (all girls Catholic school in Baltimore city). The black girls in my school all kinda stuck together. They were so -snobby- and -rude- to me until one girl I went to elementary school brought up that I was mixed...and even then, it was weird, because they would talk to me in school, but it was kinda wrong to go out somewhere with me. Don't be seen with the white girl in public!

Now, Nik knows how "white" I am. She's also seen my temper, which shows how "black" I am. I'm using these terms in a sort of joking manner, btw..for lack of better phrasing. Nik also knows my mom very well...my mother, who is all African American, is very "white" in her mannerisms and personality, tastes in music, -everything-. But when she gets angry, she is very "black" (and really fucking scary, too, when she wants to be.)

Basically, we are extremely similar, even though she's black and I'm mixed...but she's more accepted than I am.

It just doesn't make sense. I don't get people. I wish they could just realize that we're all -human-, we all have different tastes and skin colors, but none of that makes us any less capable of being a friend.

Sorry for the rant in your journal...I hope you feel better soon!

partywhipple ══╣╠══
Good rant. You're not the only one. Being mixed puts us outside both circles. It's nice, though in a sad way, to know there are others who have had similar experiences as I have.
mabels ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
valynn ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
I'm just saying that God can tell you best how and where you need to change. He will gently and steadily help you grow. Maybe, just maybe Paula subconsciously or consciously wants to see a spiritual change in you.

Thank you many times for that. I've been slowly seeing that my thoughts and feelings toward the Wynnes are very tangled with broken parts of me... I think God is calling me to separate from them and heal, and then maybe he'll give them back and maybe he won't. But I know that he won't give me what I want until I relenquish control -- that's how it's been for a long time now on many issues. Thank you for giving me such a sweet reminder, and thank you for the compliments too. ;-)

I'm glad you have been able to grow enough that Mike's sister can't wound you so easily. Yay you!
sqwiggly ══╣╠══
I don't think being white is boring :| I don't think the colour of your skin changes anything, other than appearance.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
The color of your skin doesn't change anything, but the culture you grow up in affects you greatly.

I don't think being white is boring either, I was just venting my hurt feelings and not really thinking about what I wrote. I'm sorry if I hurt you.
thesaj ══╣╠══
tarnished dreams are a sorrow to the soul....

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you.
inode_finder ══╣╠══

People with sickle cell, Huntington’s, deaf, blind, black, green , a man , a woman, white, with IQ of 200 or 55…did not have any say in it.
There is not a thing wrong with you.
just let it go...

oh and you are not boring...
belenen ══╣pain╠══
I'm trying to let it go... it's hard.

thank you for saying I'm not boring.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
We've only been lj friends for a short time but I can tell you that you are far from meaningless, boring, and all that other stuff you said about white culture. The reason why I friended you was because I thought you to be the complete opposite. You are colorful, interesting, and open too so much. I think you are trying to hard to steer clear of the white label that you are driving yourself crazy. And like someone said in a previous comment... it's not something you seek out for... it gradually becomes apart of who you are. Take care.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you sweetie. I wasn't very coherent in that post, I was just feeling and not thinking... if you want to understand where I'm coming from and who the wonderful family is that I talk about, I have all my memories of them here.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
(I'm holding you right now and loving you. Go ahead and cry, and let it all out till you're out of tears, and then you'll be able to start feeling better. *carresses her hair* I love you.)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you babe. ;-)
shespoke ══╣╠══
African American people (in general) are very mistrusting of white people. I wish that it wasn't that way. But I guess years of oppression still haven't fully been dealt with yet.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
Well, Spencer always trusted me, and so did Gabe... William I wasn't that close with. Paula never trusted me completely (though she did trust me a lot more than most people), but that's not because of her race, it's because of her upbringing, I think... she doesn't trust anybody who's not blood-related, she even has a hard time trusting Spencer.

But black and white people both have a hard time trusting each other, for various reasons. That's one of the reasons that the Wynnes impressed me so much; they met me and immediately trusted me, to take care of their kids, drive their cars -- Paula even let me use her ATM card and gave me the pin!!! So I suppose what I mean by Paula not trusting me is that she didn't trust me with her inner self, she didn't trust me not to betray her somehow.
zerotristessa ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
It hurts to ask that question... it's feeling like your very essence, who you are, might be 'flawed' in some way, just because of who you are.

But you are not flawed, you're fascinating. All of you.
mabels ══╣╠══
Excuse me! But I take offence to that! Not really personaly, but...for goodness sake! I cant belive you would lump all whites into one "boring" catagory! Maybe you should have at the very least lumped the "white American so and so group", because I just do not belive in the whole "there are whites, there are blacks, there are Asians, there are Hispanics". It doenst work that way!

Do you know just how offended Asians get when you lump Chinese with Japanese with Vietnamese, with Thai, with Korean, etc.etc.etc... They are SO different its like calling cats and dogs the same things becasue they are both pets.

In the same way you cant just lump all black people into one catagory...nor can you lump all white people into one. To heck with embraceign your own culture and loveing it etc, it sounds like you dont even know WHAT your own culture really is! Because if you did you could distinguish it from other cultures that fall within the "We have white skin catagory".

Anyways, I dont like it. Not all blacks come form the same culture...not all whites come form the same culture...and Im not talking about "subcultures". Im saying there is no one "main culture" for either of these groups of people to fall under he umbrella of. Skin color does not determine culture.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
what I should have said was "white third-or-more-generation American," but I wasn't thinking, really, just feeling. I wasn't trying to make an inflammatory post, just stating my raw feelings.
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
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belenen ══╣╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.