December 2017
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shake it off / sanctity of space / am I wasting time? / happy sexual pleasure


If you're wondering why I haven't commented on your fascinating posts, it's because I've been lazy and antisocial lately... also nervous about LJ in general. I will catch up though.

I hate the idea that someone can just waltz into my flat whenever the hell they want. That's basically what it says in the lease "during reasonable hours" which for me are unreasonable because I am in the habit of going to sleep at about 7am (when Ben goes to work) and waking up between 2pm and 4pm. And I sleep naked. And when I'm not asleep I'm usually naked (or in only bra & thong) unless I'm planning to go out. I hate clothes (unless it's cold). It makes me feel unsafe and spied-upon for the property manager to have a copy of the key to my flat. Ah, well, it's the downside to having a pleasant, cheap space to live in.

I worry that I'm just wasting time. My counselor is very busy for the next two months, which means I only have two appointments for the next month and a half. Maybe that's all I can handle, I don't know. I just want to dive in and get it all over with! I need to contact her and ask her what I can do so that the in-between time isn't wasted.

And I am desperately lonely.


But on a happy note! I have been so in love with Ben lately, so uninhibited in comparison to before! This taking-authority thing is amazing. Ben is amazing. Sex is amazing. That part of my life has been slowly and steadily improving, in such a sweet and steamy way. I hate condoms though, we need to get me on the patch again. (I take that back-- condoms can be fun, but not for sex 'cause I'm allergic to latex) Which reminds me -- my period was almost two weeks late, and when it finally arrived I was so delighted I shouted "Hallelujah!" Pregnancy would mean postponing counseling, and I do not want that.

feelings: better
connecting: ,

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Comments
acid_burns ══╣╠══
*hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back* You're so sweet to me. ;-)
sidheblessed ══╣Chii╠══
:/ Anyone but me having the key to my flat would make me feel uncomfortable too.
maladroitkat ══╣Maladroit╠══
I would have to second that.

The people owning the apartment complex I lived in had all of the keys, and it made me nervous. Once the maintenance man came in to fix my roommate's shower while I was home alone--no warning or anything. He just showed up while I was out in the kitchen getting a bowl of cereal. Luckily I was fully clothed! Like you, I have a tendency to walk around in a bra and underwear.
belenen ══╣╠══
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
What is it that you hate about condoms?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
besides the icky fake feeling? I'm allergic to latex, it burns. Not fun.
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
kevloid ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
kevloid ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
I'm off the next couple of days and will try to stay logged into yahoo. Would love to chat with you. I'll be here for you.

*hugs*
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
okay then, I'll have to log in sometime. ;-) *hugs you back harder*
mabels ══╣╠══
Ive been walked in onby maintanance twice...once I was in the shower and when I called down "hello, whos there?!" they said "MAINTENACE". I ended up cutting the shower short while they wiated outside. The second time I was in bed and off for that day...also nude...and they knocked and didnt wait to see if anyone was home!

The first time I knew he was coming at some point...the second time it was the OWNER of the apartments come to show off the new AC work recently done in our apartment becasue we were the first people in the building to get it down while living there. So I HADNT expected him since all the repair work was finished. I didnt expect ANYONE to be around for a good whiel after!


Argh!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
AAAHHH!!! Freakin' scary!
With us, they've always left a note about a day or two in advance, so hopefully they'll keep that up.
mabels ══╣╠══
kevloid ══╣╠══
doesn't the landlord have to give you 24 hrs notice before coming in? they do here. mind you, here hardly anybody makes you sign a lease.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Actually neither GA nor the lease require that... but so far they have, as far as I know, given 24 hours notice. I just hate that they don't HAVE to, so if they get the urge they can just wander on in.
kevloid ══╣╠══
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Don't be lonely, you're loved by many! I hope you stop feeling lonely soon.

I would hate someone walking in too. Well, they do here, but thats because its student halls so is expected. The maintenance guys come in and check the phones in our rooms pretty often, will come home and find my desk has been moved away from the phone plug. In a proper house, I would really hate it.
belenen ══╣mysterious╠══
Aww, thank you. I'm lonely because I don't have anybody walking me through this healing the way I want... my counselor is great but I can't just call her up when I want to. I wish I had a friend or mentor that had been through this that I could just depend on to comfort me. Ben comforts me, but he doesn't know what I'm feeling... so that's why I'm lonely. But I know I'm loved. ;-)
_bijou ══╣╠══
Loneliness is such a fucker.
I am glad that things are going well with Ben
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
it is, ain't it?
thank you.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
I hate the idea that someone can just waltz into my flat whenever the hell they want.
That would creep me out too. I always lock my door when I am at home, even if I am the only one here. I just don't like the idea of being so open just anyone could come into my room if they wanted to.

And I am desperately lonely.
Reaching out to hold her Would you tell me if there is anything in particular that you want me to do to give you companionship? I want to talk to you about making sure that we have one day a week to hang out, if only for the afternoon. I am just working now, even though that will be changing after Summer Semester starts at college, but still. Even when classes do start back, you are important to me, and I want to be there for you. Lately I have been stressed out with work and getting things ready for RenFest; have you ever been in that stage where you have tons to get done but you are so busy stressing out and running around like a chicken with your head cut off the stuff you had to do multiplies and expands into twenty thousand things instead of the three you originally had? I'm not trying to make an excuse (whether it's sounding like one or not; excuses are asking for permission, and I'm not asking for permission right now - rather trying to let you know what was going on). And I've been lazy - feeling crappy and soaking up into myself and avoiding emotion. I think I deserve to be upset at, because I haven't been appropriately dealing with things and I have, however unintentionally, left you out. If you need to be angry at me for a bit, I understand. Just let me know, so we can work things out and I can start acting better.

Sex is amazing.
Kick ass. Your happiness at being healed makes me happy too.

, and when it finally arrived I was so delighted I shouted "Hallelujah!"
I'm really glad your period came, because I know that you didn't want a baby yet, weren't thinking you were ready yet. Still, I think it's rather ironic that you were happy that your period came. Especially since most of the time we women (well, me at least) hate the darn things when they're here!
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I'm not upset at you, really. And it's not that I crave companionship... I'm lonely because I don't have anybody walking me through this healing the way I want... Patricia is wonderful but I can't just call her up when I'm needy. I wish I had a friend or mentor that had been through this that I could just depend on to comfort me. Ben comforts me, but he doesn't know what I'm feeling... so that's why I'm lonely.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
carodus ══╣╠══
'...I am desperately lonely...'
loneliness is something that creeps up on you steathily - sometimes you see its approach and other times you can be taken unawares. It is something fundamentally tangible to the soul -- and its not about being physically alone too - you can be with someone and feel alone. I think loneliness generally comes down to how you feel about yourself -- generally if I'm being creative loneliness disappears -- its like the negative emotion is dominated by a positive emotion.

But sometimes loneliness can be healed with a HUG - so I offer this possible solution unreservedly :)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: '...I am desperately lonely...'
aww, thank you!

I think right now, the reason I am so lonely is because I don't have anyone to guide me as I walk through this healing. I have Ben to comfort me, but he can't tell me where to go, and he can't really feel what I feel... I just wish I had a mentor, someone wiser than I who understood my feelings, whom I could call whenever I felt needy.
thesaj ══╣╠══
:)

sounds like some ups here....glad to hear....

on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.