November 2017
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time with my evil twin / growing up


On Monday I went out for about an hour with Kristen B, or my 'evil twin' as she refers to herself. I've known her for about seven years now... when we first met, we thought it necessary that we be friends because we had the same first name and we both spelled it right. (most people spell it Kristin or Christin, bleh)

I was kinda dreading it, because although we were great friends when I was a teenager (so so long ago, hah), the last few times we've gotten together have left me drained and depressed. Kristen has a very strong personality, and she is Blunt. (not blunt, Blunt) Last time we met, she spent a lot of time scolding me for not keeping in touch more, told me that I had become boring since I got married, and unintentionally belittled me by telling me that she could see me as a youth worship leader, but not a contracted singer (which, by the way, is a very important dream/plan of mine).

This time, she still scolded me a little, but seemed more light-hearted rather than angry, and she didn't harp on it or anything. She still told me that I had become boring, but this time I asked her what she meant by that and she didn't have an answer. I was hurt last time, but this time I feel like I understand why she says that. I don't know exactly what it is that she expects from me... maybe I used to be more hyper, though I don't remember that being the case until late at night when we'd giggle and whisper under the covers and everything was so funny. But I think the reason she says that is because she can't get as excited about spending time with me, and so she wants me to somehow raise her excitement level. Eh, whatevah.

She likes to think of herself as a badass. And she kinda is -- I can't imagine anyone ever pissing her off and not regretting it. But she's also a bit of a goody-goody (and she admits it). It's odd being with her because I feel simultaneously less powerful and more powerful than she is. Less powerful because I'm not so outspoken and forceful, but more so because I'm more mature and openminded.

It was fun, though, spending time with her. We went to the local coffeehouse and sat down with our delicious java and talked, catching up on each other's lives. I listened to her talk about her clashes with her parents, and remembered what PJ had said last time at church -- that people assume that the godly thing to do in a clash is work it out, when sometimes God wants you to create some space, especially in parent/child relationships. She's almost 20 and she's been having clashes with her parents for a long while -- now she's finally to the point where she feels she needs to move out. I told her it's about time!

--------

I think you can be mature even while you live with your parents, but I don't think you are an adult until you move out and support yourself. There's something about having full responsibility for your actions that changes you. If you live with your parents and you do something irresponsible at work and get fired, so what? You still have a place to sleep and food to eat. Knowing that you are in charge of everything that happens in your life is very different than having your basic needs taken care of by someone else.

But the biggest and most important thing about not living with your parents? You discover who you are. You start to question all those ideas that you have believed to be truth, and maybe you throw some of your parents' ideas away. There's a very real tie in financial support that does not allow you to question their ideas, at least not to the point of actual change.

feelings: contemplative
sounds: The Benjamin Gate: "Live Out Loud"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
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eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Sometimes I think I've gotten more boring since I got married, but it's got nothing to do with marriage. I stay at home more, rather than going out with friends, but that's largely because I don't enjoy the same activities as other people my age. When I was a teenager, my friends and I could just go out to eat and go to the movies and go shopping - I would still do all of that. But somewhere in later high school and now in college and around early 20-somethings, going out was suddenly about drinking and partying and going to clubs...blah. I could go to a bar with friends every once in a while. I don't want to do it every freakin' week, let alone Thursday-Sunday. I'd rather stay at home, wait for Robert to get home from work, and watch Adult Swim with someone who appreciates my company without the presence of alcohol. I'd be staying home regardless of my marriage, so all getting married did was give me company. I got boring because everyone around me got stupid.

And I agree on the living without your parents thing. That's why it drives me nuts when these spoiled little middle class bitches at school talk to me like they know what life is like - their parents pay their tuition, room, board, car, and insurance, and every week they come in showing off some new outfit or purse or pair of shoes their parents bought them. That's not real life. What's worse is they tend to talk down to those of us who pay our own way - we're lesser humans because we're poor, apparently. I didn't know working for your money was a bad thing....
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
You know, I know the "spoiled middle-class bitches" rant wasn't directed at me personally, but for all the times I've gotten that from other people, I have to speak.

We're not all bitches, we're not all proud of being "little rich girls," and some of us chafe quite mightily under our parents' financial dominion and wish that they would let us earn and pay for something ourselves once in a while.

I despise the lack of responisibility, I simultaneously hate AND love it when they me stuff, and I positively abhor it when people look down on me because I've "never had to struggle for anything." I'm fully aware of the shame of that, thanks. And I don't look down on people who pay their own way; rather, I admire them and wish I had their strength. I hope someday I have that strength.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
goleafs87 ══╣╠══
Yeah after you get married old friendships's tend to sort of just fall away or so I hear, never been married myself so what do i know. Kinda sucks that she tells you that you've gotten boring, what's up with that ?? lol
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I think she calls me boring because she expects hanging out with me to be as exciting as it was when we were little, and it isn't. It's understandable, she's just wrong about why she finds me boring -- it isn't because I've gotten boring, but because she's gotten more indifferent to everything.
brenna713 ══╣╠══
I've gone through the same type of issues with friends from the past. While I went away to college after high school, almost all of my high school friends immediately got married and settled down. After their divorces started rolling in and I returned home a college graduate, we had very little in common and was hard to try and pick things back up. People grow and people change, and sometimes old friendships simply do not fit together any more...There's only one friend I still have from high school, and that is an awkward one, but I try to make it work.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
People grow and people change, and sometimes old friendships simply do not fit together any more...
Yeah, that's the main reason I've been avoiding a lot of my old friends. We just aren't on the same level anymore, mentally and emotionally. But Kristen has been doing some growing up, and I'm hoping that she will continue to grow, so that we can be close enough maturity-wise to be friends again.
_vanityinblack ══╣╠══
Friends like that can be draining. But they're worth it. Usually friends for life too.

I'm freaked out by your description of her:

"She likes to think of herself as a badass. And she kinda is -- I can't imagine anyone ever pissing her off and not regretting it. But she's also a bit of a goody-goody (and she admits it). It's odd being with her because I feel simultaneously less powerful and more powerful than she is."

.... if you asked my best friend, she'd describe me exactly the same. Badass, with a meaaaan streak and a bit of the goody goody. woah.. weird.
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
hee hee. ;-)
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Well, Kristin is second best. ;-)

I think the reason she said that about my voice is because she has had her dreams squelched, either by her parents or some other authority figure, and she thinks that the right thing to do when someone dreams big is squelch them down to a managable size. It's sad, when I hear her talk now I can see how she has been hemmed in and squeezed smaller by her parents. But I'm hoping that she will regain her natural ambition and optimism when she moves out, and then be able to encourage others.

I think you have it right on the money about the boring thing. ;-)

I have kept her, but not too close, as you said -- but now she seems to be changing, growing up some, so if that's true I might just want her in my life more.

What's the deal about a roomate? I don't think that makes a difference unless the roomate takes care of you. If you are paying your own rent and food, cleaning up after your own self, you are an adult. It really doesn't matter if your rent is cut in half because you share space with someone else. That's just good money management.
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
angeleyes831 ══╣╠══
Your friend reminds me of one of my old friends. I felt completely drained (emotionally and mentally) just talking to her. She would say things she thought would be helpful but hurt me. Slowly I started calling and talking to her less. We contact each other about once a year but not much is said. It’s sad, I have known her since 7th grade.

I agree with you on the mature/adult. I never lived on my own all by myself until last year. There is something empowering about it. It really makes you grow and think about consequences.

eh, no more babbling from me...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Yeah, with Kristen we've been like that for a long time... she seems to be changing though -- I'm going to watch and see, and if she really has matured then we might grow closer.

you aren't babbling, I quite like your comments. ;-)
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
I really can't respond to any of this without exploding, so I won't.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
feel free to explode -- but please, before you do, read it again carefully. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being supported by your parents, I'm just saying that once you support yourself, you change -- in a way that can't otherwise be achieved.

My aim certainly wasn't to piss anyone off, sorry if I did.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
awwwww, thank you! It's perfect! Actually, I didn't carry a candle, only my bridesmaids did, but it looks awesome that way. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
I'm an adult now
I was just listening to a song like 10 minutes ago that you gotta hear. :-)


Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I've got my own reasons to drink now
Think I'll call my dad up and invite him
I can sleep in 'til noon anytime I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult it's no cliche, it's the truth
'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl boy loses girl
More like man tries to figure out what the hell went wrong

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool lying dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals like some cheese-eating high school boy

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess that it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Wooah!

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Re: I'm an adult now
haha! That's great! I love it!
cph9680 ══╣╠══
Being old and boring enough without even having gotten married, I don't particularly see things from the same point of view, but if I had friends like that, they would quickly stop being my friend no matter how long I'd known them...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
well, we've been very distant for a good while... now she seems to have matured a bit (or it might be me who has matured) and I'm going to watch her a bit and we might have a closer friendship now -- we'll see.
nikare ══╣╠══
Time.

Man (and woman) lives within Time. This gives us the gift (or curse) of Change. I'd suggest not trying to hang onto the previous relationship the two of you had before. Instead, I recommend you two continue to change and grow to become closer friends again. Friendship can be forever, but Change is inevitable.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Right. That's why we haven't been very close... I refuse to backtrack to better match someone. But I think she has matured a lot lately, and if so, we might start up a new friendship.
shespoke ══╣╠══
I think that it is high time that I move out of here. I have lived at home for two extra years because I didn't know what was happening with my mom and I wanted to be here in case cancer beat her. But it didn't. Once I had started down the community college path, you kinda need to finish your two years, because in my state, then they transfer as a block and you don't have to do the core requirements of the university that you can to, instead do what the community college considers the core requirements (and each community college is different.) I'm ready to do it though. I know that it'll be hard financially at times, but I have to learn. I also think that it will be much better for me emotionally as well.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
I think you are absolutely right. I'm excited to see how you feel on your own... I agree that it will probably be better for you emotionally, and that's exciting too. Yay for Sarah! (that's what people usually call you, right?)
shespoke ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shespoke ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shespoke ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shespoke ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
I think it's interesting that you consider living on your a sign of adulthood. I agree to a point only because living on your own in Jersey after graduating from high school and/or college is hard. Jersey is one of the most expensive states. I have a handful full friends that have to pay rent just to live at HOME. Fortunately for me, my parents let me stay for free! I'm soaking it up before it comes to end. lol Yeah, but I really think being an adult is taking care of what needs to be done minus the whining, kicking and screaming.

Anyway you're not boring. My best friend who partied with me in high school got married and became a mom by 20, so all the things we did before came to screeching hault. Do I think she's boring? No. Her life just took a different turn from mine. I'm not mad [anymore]. Life happens and we have to adjust to whatever it throws at us [or we can just whine, kick or scream about it. ;) ]
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you for saying that I'm not boring. ;-)

To clarify, I'm saying that there is something about living on your own that changes you. I think you can be quite mature while living with your parents, but something about being on your own changes the whole way you think, the way you look at life.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
I agree with you as far as the moving out/parent thing... unless... your parents have had you buying your own things... computer, phone, internet, bed, stereo, car note, car insurance, clothes since you were sixteen... and groceries since seventeen... hehehehe. I feel like I'm... renting out a room, I'm not living with my parents. eh.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
well, you are supporting yourself, pretty much, so you are more mature than most (well duh).
aubkabob ══╣╠══
I think there's two levels of the supporting of oneself as well: being completely independant of the parental units and living with roommates, vs. living completely on your own.

I was always incredibly close to my family, but although we were poor, when I worked as a teen, I kept all of my money, and spent it on things I wanted, i.e. tapes and clothes. My first step of growing up came when I left from home 3 months after I turned 18 and went to job corps. I grew a lot then, became so much more comfy in my own skin, compared to being an angsty teen. But I was still in the same state.

When they sent me to advanced training in St. Paul, MN, It was like it was another leg and test. I still wasn't completely on my own, yet it was infinitely harder to turn tail and go home if I wanted to (and believe me, I wanted to, but I wouldn't let me. Those five months were some of the most miserable of my life.)

Then they placed me with a job with United Airlines in Virginia, where I was rooming with 3 girls from the same center. I had NO idea what I was doing, and in retrospect, I wince at how I spent the readjustment fund they gave me.

After a few other incidences and a quick live in with brosely's dad in missouri, I ended up in Arizona with my best friend from high school, Joe. We fought so intensely that he moved out, a creepy guy moved in, and Joe and I didn't talk for 6 months. I knew NO ONE in all of arizona. That was probably one of the largest emotional growing spurts that I had to date.

Until I moved out completely on my own, into my very own apartment. Suddenly, I wasn't having someone tell me how much I owed on the first, in one lump sum, I was having to deal with it all myself, sink or swim, everything in my name, etc. Grocery shopping was my responsibility. There was no one else to clean.

Yup. I fully agree from personal experience that I became truly an adult in those 6 years of living by myself, compared to all the other years I had been legally one. There's just no comparison, in my opinion.

Although now I'm living with a roommate, and everything's in her name, and I've resorted back to "okay, what do I owe you?" vs. writing the checks myself, that I still retain the adultness that I had before.

And because of the adultness, moving back in with my mother when I was 28 was SO infinitely more difficult, going from 100% privacy to less than zero.

But I guess that helped to make me happier with what I have now.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you for sharing that! now I know you a bit better. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.