February 2018
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forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I may be friends again

Wow... sorry I've been so anti-social, I just have so much to process, sooooo much has happened.

I've been wanting a mentor, someone who has been through what I've been through, is healed, and can help me like a friend (Patricia is great, but I can't call her up anytime and talk to her).
After church, they had a prayer time, where home group leaders go to the front of the church and anyone who needs prayer can go pray with them. I felt like I needed it, and as I was sitting there I noticed one lady who was praying for someone. I knew I needed to pray with her, God told my spirit that as clearly as anything. I didn't expect anything, but I went up front and waited for her to finish praying with the other girl (even though there were others on the prayer team who weren't busy). Then I told her that I was hurting because I was sexually abused as a child, and we talked a little, and she asked if I had forgiven them. I said no, even though I know I need to, and she said that yes, I need to, because I'm only hurting myself. I told her I didn't feel like I could, but she said the same thing Patricia said, that it's a choice you make. A choice you make and then walk in every day.
Finally I decided that well, I'm not sure if it will work, but I will do it. And so I said, out loud,
"I forgive Mark (my father) for not protecting me, for not being there for me, for not seeking out my heart, for not being gentle with me...
I forgive Patty (my mother) for not allowing me to be a child, for not standing up for me...
I forgive those who abused me sexually, for treating me like less than a human..."
(I know I left out things, hopefully Patricia and I will cover all of it more thoroughly next session)
and then she said to me, "and now forgive yourself,"
and it made perfect sense but I said, "What for?" and she told me "for holding on to all this bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, and hurting yourself."
Oh, that was so hard, so much harder than the others. I think I have secretly hated myself.

I started crying for real (rather than the tearful overflow that I had been doing since we started talking), and said,
"I forgive myself for holding on to all these things that have hurt me,
I forgive myself for treating me like I was unworthy, ugly, less than human,
I forgive myself for telling me that I am all kinds of evil, for beating me up everyday.
I am a child of God and I am beautiful and incredible and worthy of God loving me, worthy of him taking care of me, worthy of him adoring me." (I wish I could remember the exact words, they welled up out of me so purely that I know they were the very expression of my spirit)

Then she hugged me and told me to walk in that everyday, and not pick up that bitterness again, and she said, 'let me give you my number, so you can call me if you need to.' I looked at her like, "whaa?" and said, "Are you... are you for real?" and she said, "Yes! I mean it, c'mon," and led me over to her purse for a pen. I followed in a bit of a daze. She gave me her home phone, cell phone, work phone, personal email, and work email, and then told me that I can call her anytime (she said that at least four times, and wrote it on the card). I told her that I've been wanting a mentor, that I had prayed about it two days ago, and she was happy about that. She hugged me and I left.
The only thing that makes me feel iffy is that she has a very forceful personality, and is not the type of personality that I usually turn to when I'm hurting. I'd be afraid that she'd just tell me 'you're doing this wrong, and this wrong, etc.' but I don't think she would, I don't know. If it gets really bad though, I will call her.

I wonder if the forgiveness will stick. Now I know, I realize, that I have forgiven my father in the past -- I just picked my wounds back up again. This time, I will be strong enough not to do that. I'm much more alive than I have ever been.


and then we went over to Ben's 'rents house so he could play computer with his brothers (his dad is a comp. programmer, so they have three computers (or is it four?) that are just for gaming and homework (mostly gaming)) and so I could watch 'Calendar Girls' with Miss K (Ben's mom) and Rebecca and elya (who spells her name with a lowercase e). It was a cute movie... quite good at showing the different reactions people have to nude photography.

Afterward, Rebecca showed me an emerald ring, told me that Trevor gave it to her, and then said, "When he proposed." I was flabbergasted for a full ten minutes. What the fuckin fuckity fuck? I never even knew they were officially courting, though I did suspect as much from all the backrubbing and hair-petting.

And that made me really sad. Not so much because she might get engaged (she hasn't given him an answer yet) but because I missed it all. I missed all the 'ooo, boyfriend' stuff. (When Rebecca and I were friends, she had no interest in romance whatsoever, she was almost asexual.) Then I thought that I might not even be a bridesmaid, that elya would probably be her maid of honor, and I teared up a little. Our friendship was like a marriage -- our breakup was a divorce. Then Miss K came in and started talking to me, and I was already emotional from the forgiving everybody thing and the Rebecca thing, so I just talked and talked about how I've been feeling lately, how I can't get to sleep when I want to and once I'm asleep I want to sleep forever, all that kind of thing.

Then I remembered that I hadn't seen the dress Rebecca made for RenFest, and I asked her to show it to me... we went downstairs and she showed it to me, and we started talking -- how it ended... She has always thought it ended when Ben and I got together, I think it ended six months before that, when I moved to PA... anyway, she said she knew I was hurt and she was sorry, and this time I could tell she meant it, I could tell she understood why I hurt and was really sorry. I told her I forgave her, and that I was sorry for hurting her, because I knew I had, though I never meant to... she crumpled, and I asked her if I could hug her (seriously, she's always been VERY anti-touch) and she nodded so I held her, she explained to me what hurt her, and I understood, and I asked her forgiveness, and she forgave me...

and for the first time in almost four years, we were comfortable with each other. I told her that I had seen her with Trevor and started falling in love with her again, and at first I had thought it was jealousy -- 'she's mine, I want her back' -- but then I realized that it was because she was becoming more herself. She agreed that she had been growing, becoming more herself... and she told me how her life was in the last few years, how much she hurt, and how she was just now starting to heal from all that (I'd explain, but she's a private sort of person).

I asked if she wanted to have a friendship with me again, and she said yes but a conditional yes. She's not sure what she can do, and she's a slow, cautious type, unlike me. She has a very busy life and isn't sure she can fit me in in a way that will make me happy. And she has a very good point. I would want a lot of her time, though I'm sure I could be happy with somewhat less than I want. More importantly though, I would want her to adore me like I adore her. I don't want a friend that I utterly adore who doesn't adore me but just likes me a lot.

I told her that I have two kinds of friendship -- level 1, where I will be there for you and do anything you need (or want badly), but I don't allow you to be there for me, and level 2, where I absolutely adore you, would do anything for you, want to be a deep part of your life, and anything you offer to me I will happily take, because I trust that you want to give it. She said her way of friendship is like a staircase, with many different levels. I'm ready to promote her to level 2 immediately, but she just doesn't work the same way...

So, she said she would pray about it, and we just might be friends again. I'm praying that if God tells her this is the right time to be realfriends again, that I will be able to handle any hesitancy she might have about being close or expressing love. I wanted to hold her hand so badly while we talked, but I was too shy to ask. And we haven't decided yet, so I didn't want to go too far too fast. At the very least, we have forgiven each other and that is a relief from a pain I didn't know I was still carrying.

And that isn't all that happened that night, an earthshaking change happened between Ben and I that resulted in wild sex, but good grief this entry is long enough already. I'll post about it later.

P.S. I'm pouting at you who didn't look at my earrings and fill out my poll. (but I'm very happy with all who did or will as soon as they get a chance!)

feelings: amazed
sounds: Sunny Day Real Estate: "Round"
connecting: , , , , ,

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shespoke ══╣╠══
I read all that and I don't get to know about the earthshaking change?!

Just kidding. ;)

I'm really proud of you that you were able to forgive all those people and yourself. I can only imagine how much that took. I hope that this feeling of forgiveness sticks. Maybe your newfound mentor can help you in that way.

I hope that your friendship with Rebecca finds itself again. I really do, because from your post you can tell that you care about her deeply.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
you get to know about the earthshaking change as soon as I type it up and post it. ;-)

Thank you, your caring blesses me.
acid_burns ══╣jenny / marina poetry of life╠══
Somebody to help me write the poetry of life...

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
Exactly. ;-)
invisibleglue ══╣beetori╠══
I admire your courage.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
thank you.
bluebl00d ══╣╠══
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."

belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
What a wonderful quote -- where is that from?
bluebl00d ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Wow. You were certainly feeling expressive today. :-P

Just a moment on something....
It's awesome that you're learning to forgive. I approach the whole forgiveness/moving on thing from a different angle, so I have to point out that in my eyes, forgiving yourself is the most important thing you can do. If you're the kind of person who needs to grant forgiveness to others to move one (which I know you are, and I'm not attacking that in any way, I hope you know) then it's wonderful to accomplish that. Personally, my view on forgiveness is different: in 99% of awful things that a person can do, I'll forgive the first occurrance automatically. After that, the person has to prove to me that they really want and deserve my forgiveness, and they need to ask for it. I can move on without really offering "forgiveness," but rather just coming to terms with occurances - which can be just as hard. But that coming to terms is the really important part, which I know you tie in with forgiveness, so my whole point here was to say "yay for moving forward!" I know it's not something that's been made to "go away" by any means, but I'm really glad that you've found another way to help you move in the right direction. Sorry if that was convoluted...but yeah. :-)
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
I think forgiveness is giving up your right to get paid back, giving up your right to be angry, because those things are not going to happen and you have to let them go. To me, forgiveness is saying, "Yeah, you wronged me, but I'm not going to expect you to make it right, because having that expectation (or desire) will only hurt me."

I have forgiven my parents, but I will not trust them until they show they are trustworthy. However, I have forgiven Rebecca, and because she was truly sorry, I now trust her.

Thanks for the encouragement!
ohsaycanyousay ══╣╠══
I know that I only know you online, and even then I haven't known you for very long. But from the moment I felt the need to add you to my friends list I've known that you are beautiful person in every which way, and with every post you confirm that.

Thank you for being so open with your feelings -- I've already learned a lot from you.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
thank you, I'm deeply flattered, so much that I can't express it.

Thank you.
ohsaycanyousay ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
oblyvia ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I know!
rangoth ══╣╠══
A)Being in a wedding means presents! Coolness for you!

B)Learning to forgive is always tough, whats even harder I have found is what do you do then? It seems that there should be some magic that just fixes things but alas there is not. I understand your concern, you do not want to move backwards. I do not believe you will simply because you are worried that you will. You have established now a support system, use it. I would get together with this woman again if I was you. I have a hunch that she can be very helpful for you.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
thank you, I appreciate the support and encouragement. ;-)
rangoth ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
abstractfish ══╣╠══
don't pout, I'm technologically challenged is all. I like the cobalt linked drop ones the best.
I know what you mean about wanting a mentor. when I got over wanting parents, I switched to wanting a mentor.
belenen ══╣earrings╠══
hee hee! thanks.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
wow, what an amazing weekend you've had! Such a landmark, I mean REALLY. So many things accomplished, amazing how He works things sometimes, no?

*gigantos hugs*

I greatly look forward to reading more!
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I KNOW!!! It blows me away.
nikare ══╣╠══
Alright, what we need to do is get Ben, you, Rebecca, and I together for some food and "smiling hour". If you wait another week or so, I'll coax Fira into joining us if available. It'll be a hum-dinger of a good time. : )
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
If I'm there, Trevor has to come, too, dear. ^_^ It'll head off both fifth-wheeldom and odd numbers in general (bad for get-togethers; someone always gets left out).
belenen ══╣╠══
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
nikare ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
anar_anar ══╣╠══
Forgiveness is neither a fun or easy thing, if you worry about it "sticking"... just let it be, you know? If you feel in a few weeks that you haven't truly forgived, that's more than okay... I've had to "forgive" a few people more than once for the same thing, heheheh, once I realized that the last time I didn't do it completely. You know I'm always here for you if you need to talk... despite my being all... weird... with LJ lately..
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
Thank you sweetheart, I really appreciate it. And thank you for telling me it's okay to fail, I need to hear that as much as possible. ;-)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
Yea! I am really excited for you. Well, a lot of reasons I'm happy for you all about this post. I guess I should talk about them all.

Part of me longs to be that everything that Rebecca was to you, but you know I know that a person isn't meant to fill the holes that other people left but rather to fill in new nooks and crannies that will help smooth the edges of the holes that are left and fill them in a little. So I'm really, really joyful to hear that you and Rebecca had a talk because I know how much it hurt when you weren't friends any more, and I want you to be happy and whole and yourself. So I'm really happy for you about that now.

And also, I read about and could hear in your voice how much you just needed someone to trust and talk to about everything, a mentor. I think I used to have one; but she died because of breast cancer. I think I've mostly forgiven her for that now. I just have to forgive her husband for re-marrying so quickly and forcing me to for real accept the fact Marie is dead. Now, maybe, you've found someone. No, I take that back. Maybe now God's found you somebody.

I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you tomorrow.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
Thank you. I knew it might make you a little sad and scared that R and I might be friends again, and i'm glad you are handling it so well.

I am convinced it was God, that entire evening was... wow. So God.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
belenen ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! *huggles her Bel* That's so great for you! I think in this case maybe you needed someone with a forceful personality, someone who can take that last little bit of control from you so you CAN'T hold back.

We need to talk for real this summer. I think I can now. (I can admit there was a block there, at least, which is a start.) That, and great as LJ is, the truth remains that I've gotten what VERY little I know about all your trials and tribulations from the fucking INTERNET. Not cool. Not good RL friend behavior, even LD.

They have 4 gaming computers. It used to be 1 by the door and 3 along the wall. That always killed me about the Snows.

And that's fan-FUCKING-tabulous about both you and Rebecca and Rebecca and Trevor--you and Rebecca because it pained me to watch y'all fall apart (that and there were always awkward vibes because I was "yours" first), and Rebecca and Trevor because IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. (I wasn't sure who was worse on the "Jebus, get together already, people!" scale on New Years'--me'n'Joe or her'n'Trev.) And I understand you feeling like you've missed something (I'm still miffed that Rachel bloody well eloped after I met Mitch ONCE).

Isn't it funny how ONE DAY can hold so much change when so many days are just the same?
belenen ══╣bel hearts del╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
We need to talk for real this summer. I think I can now.
I lost my breath reading that, quite literally. The second and third time it grabbed me just as hard. Do you have any idea how much I love you? I mean really? And for you to initiate something like that... Good God, girl. (and I say that prayer-like) I adore you.

What does LD mean???

Well, they recently changed up their computers (Mr. Ben got a new one, oh me oh my) so I'm not sure how many they have.

It is... amazing. And I am inclined to think that it was all set in motion by me forgiving my parents and the others... I know Rebecca and I wouldn't have talked otherwise, because I wouldn't have been that raw. And soon I shall post about the other amazing thing. ;-)
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Re: forgiving so many wounds / Rebecca and I...
darkpool ══╣╠══
Wow, that is really awesome. I agree with someone above to that maybe you need someone with a forceful personality. I'm sure God brought you that particular person for a reason. I'm so glad you found a mentor.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thank you. ;-) God is awesome.
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.