September 2017
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Ben is cuddle-affectionate now


This is the other earthshaking thing.

While we were not married, Ben wanted to make sure we were 'appropriate' in public, and he had very strict ideas about that (because even holding hands was arousing to him), so we never cuddled and hardly touched in public. This was tragic to me -- it made me feel undesirable. He said it would be different when we got married, but by then it had become habitual to refrain from being kissy-cuddly. He'd make efforts, but they always happened to be at exactly the wrong moment (when I was in a hurry especially), and I'd reject him. After being rejected so much, he stopped trying, really.

Then Saturday night after seeing Rebecca and Trevor being all cuddly-lovey, I was hurting. I started to talk to Ben about it and he said that he didn't know why he didn't want to touch me, that it wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me... so we talked to God and He told me that at this point it was because I rejected Ben, and I needed to put his cuddles as a higher priority than whatever I'm doing (and they already are a higher priority, I just never thought about it). So I told Ben that I would be careful not to reject him, no matter how much I was not in the mood to be cuddled.

And the change that came over him immediately... wow. He touched me and touched me and touched me, kissing me and loving me, nothing sexual, just incredibly loving, from head to feet, stroking even my face... and it's still that way, if I come near him he pets me now, and not as a chore that he does because he loves me, but just as something that he loves to do. It was like he'd been locked up and I unlocked him by saying that I wouldn't reject him. (and then, the wild sex. Bel 2, Ben 1. I always win.)

I desperately want to see how he acts in public now. This is so incredible to me... and I worry so much that it will fail in public, that he will be able to keep his hands off of me. But whatever, it's a huge blessing that I didn't have before, so I'm grateful for it.
feelings: happy
sounds: Massive Attack: "What Your Soul Sings"
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.