December 2017
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Ben is cuddle-affectionate now


This is the other earthshaking thing.

While we were not married, Ben wanted to make sure we were 'appropriate' in public, and he had very strict ideas about that (because even holding hands was arousing to him), so we never cuddled and hardly touched in public. This was tragic to me -- it made me feel undesirable. He said it would be different when we got married, but by then it had become habitual to refrain from being kissy-cuddly. He'd make efforts, but they always happened to be at exactly the wrong moment (when I was in a hurry especially), and I'd reject him. After being rejected so much, he stopped trying, really.

Then Saturday night after seeing Rebecca and Trevor being all cuddly-lovey, I was hurting. I started to talk to Ben about it and he said that he didn't know why he didn't want to touch me, that it wasn't because he wasn't attracted to me... so we talked to God and He told me that at this point it was because I rejected Ben, and I needed to put his cuddles as a higher priority than whatever I'm doing (and they already are a higher priority, I just never thought about it). So I told Ben that I would be careful not to reject him, no matter how much I was not in the mood to be cuddled.

And the change that came over him immediately... wow. He touched me and touched me and touched me, kissing me and loving me, nothing sexual, just incredibly loving, from head to feet, stroking even my face... and it's still that way, if I come near him he pets me now, and not as a chore that he does because he loves me, but just as something that he loves to do. It was like he'd been locked up and I unlocked him by saying that I wouldn't reject him. (and then, the wild sex. Bel 2, Ben 1. I always win.)

I desperately want to see how he acts in public now. This is so incredible to me... and I worry so much that it will fail in public, that he will be able to keep his hands off of me. But whatever, it's a huge blessing that I didn't have before, so I'm grateful for it.

feelings: happy
sounds: Massive Attack: "What Your Soul Sings"
connecting:

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Comments
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sidheblessed ══╣ponr╠══
I think a lot of people underestimate the power of a hug. Touch and affection is a natural human craving and I think it's a biological need.

I'm glad Ben is being more affectionate with you now. :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I totally agree -- all humans need touch. I think that's part of the reason so many people get sick and live grumpy all the time -- they don't get enough touch.

me too. ;-)
goleafs87 ══╣╠══
nice to hear your getting cuddles from your man. I miss that in a relationship, I like to hold and be held.. Ah well
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah, it's sad not to have that... I'm sorry you don't have it now. But I'm sure you will, you seem like a great guy.
goleafs87 ══╣╠══
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
Yes, that's great to hear, although it's something I guess I take for granted. I am very tactile (I wouldn't really mind if I never got another material gift, or even never heard 'I love you'), for me it's all about the cuddles. I grab C for a hug whenever we're standing near each other and I just love it when she comes from nowhere and kisses me on the cheek when I'm being a nerd and giving my computer all my attention :)

PS: It's quite hard to type a comment in black on a darkish-purple background an an imperfect screen with sunlight shining on it. I think it's mainly the purple though, to be honest ;)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
I'm also very big on physical touch, which is why this is such a big deal for me. I'm happy about it! Glad to hear that you and your wife? girlfriend? significant other? have such a healthy relationship. ;-)
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
wittypnai ══╣╠══
i'm happy to hear you're happier these days =)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks. ;-)
trenchmeister ══╣╠══
Congrats!
My ex-wife was cold. I didn't really realize how miserable I was because of her anti-cuddle agenda until she left. Now I have a wife who loves cuddling and touching and the intimacy of just being together and a part of each other. Having that in a marriage is indeed a huge blessing. I'm thrilled that you two have achieved a new level (that's how we always look at these things - as levels. The idea is to never reach the top!)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: Congrats!
thank you, and definitely our goal is also to always get closer and please each other more, but never to be perfect. ;-)
eternitywaiting ══╣woohoo╠══
I hope the in-public thing goes well. Good luck on your first PDA! Hehe. :-P

That's one credit I have to give Robert...he's always been very cuddly, at home and in public. But we didn't set up the "no sex before marriage" clause, so I suppose it was a little different. Our relationship started as serious dating and went into life partners within a week...everything was pretty speedy, so he didn't really have time to avoid me, heh. Though he did stop being such a cuddly sleeper for a while, but he's gotten back into that habit now. Yay! :-)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Yay! cuddly-sleeping is lovely.
12thknight ══╣╠══
annihilating the fear of rejection is so important. it frees up so much honesty and even daring...it builds trust, because what you're really doing is handing over the keys and saying, go for it - if you crash, at least we'll crash together. that's an incredible feeling.

I'm so glad. This post made me happy.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I'm glad this post made you happy. ;-) And thank you for saying that, it made me feel less nervous about this new 'not rejecting' thing. It's a little scary because it's so similar to being unable to resist -- the difference is, I'm choosing this. I like how you showed me that it's us working together.
oblyvia ══╣╠══
Its wonderful that you have found a happy medium!
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thanks for being happy for me!
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
"There are very few horrible things that a hug can't improve." ~ Abby Stillions: old friend, great "bear-hug"-ger

DUDE?! You weren't getting CUDDLES?! *cowers in incomprehension* Once I know they'll let me, I hug people ad-nauseum. People NEED to be lovingly touched. Well, at least you are now...and you "always win"... *chuckles*
nikare ══╣╠══
lol, what's even more amusing is I know how competitive Ben's personality can be.

But then...isn't it always better if the female wins in those *particular* bouts of endurance?
nikare ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
Oh, that's so wonderful, hun! Definitely a great thing. We as humans tend to need human touch.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I totally agree with that, I think everyone needs at least five hugs a day.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
_iquit ══╣╠══
im a pretty affectionate person i think. though im shy and passive. so in short, i love to be touched. and yeah, my boyfriends been sucking at touching me lately. and i tell him constantly i want him to touch me, and i get nowhere. sigh. i dont know what to do.

that was like me hijacking your post. but i guess im just saying i relate to the first half.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Sometimes it helps to touch the other person more. When I was a teenager my mom never hugged me or cuddled me, so I started hugging her all the time and she gradually became more touchy-affectionate. Maybe he just doesn't feel like he has enough to give, and maybe if you pour out touches on him he'll give back.... it's worth a try, I think.

I hope it works for you. ;-)
nikare ══╣╠══
Being comfortable with one another is one thing. Being comfortable with one another in public is another. You two will be fine. You're both under my wing. : )
pinkstrands ══╣╠══
saweeeeet! sounds good! i could imagine how great it'd be to have
some cuddley love in public after so long of not having any of that
affection. HAVE FUN! :]

on my hand, ricki's a shy kinda boy around other people. we went to visit a friend, carol. we went to her house and chatted outside. and he was like...SOOOOO shy..then i grabbed him to hug me and he was doing it FOREVER and he'd like..kiss my neck in front of her..n ask my friend, 'isn't she beautiful?' man, he makes me blush in front ofmy friend..THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!

it's amazing. :]

oh and, how long you and ben?
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Awww... you guys are so sweet. ;-)

Ben and I have been together for... three years and four months, and we've been married a year and five months. ;-)
streaked_beauty ══╣╠══
Aw.

For me I am not really for public displays of affection. Then again it could be the culture I was raised in where its not really appropriate. Either way I am not really too bothered by it. When Andrew came down to spend the break with me, there was a little of holding hands and such. And obviously at the airport when I got really emotional and there was a peck goodbye, but other than that I dont know.

Now I wonder if Andrew gets bothered by me not showing affection in public.

How long have you and Ben been married?
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Yeah, I know what you mean about it not being culturally appropriate. In the culture I was raised in, hugs were a rarity, only if someone had something really bad happen to them did you hug them. I have since decided that if I want to hug somebody, I will, and my snooty culture can go hang.

Ben and I have been together for 3 years 4 months, and married for 1 year 5 months. ;-)
thesaj ══╣╠══
I'm a big supporter of PDAs between married couples, not so much even in church but especially in church. Show what love is supposed to have. Show the tenderness instead of the monotoness and maybe we'd learn how to show it even more and maybe people would learn how to love one another in marriage and more marriages would succeed.

:)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Especially in church -- exactly my opinion. ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.