August 2017
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I felt God's presence and danced with abandon


Last Saturday was amazing. We actually go to church on time for worship, and the worship was absolutely incredible from start to finish. I danced at my seat and as I danced I felt God's presence so strongly. It wasn't quite physical, but I felt him so strongly spiritually that it was almost physical. He was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist, dancing with me. I even tried changing the rhythm, and it felt awkward (like it does when you dance with someone in a different rhythm than they are dancing), so I went back to his rhythm. It was amazing... I felt loved, and I felt like soothing balm was being poured on my wounds.

Then they finished with the worship and moved on to praise songs, and I had to dance all out, so I went up front and danced my heart out, my body flowing and following my spirit without hesitation. (well, with only a tiny bit of hesitation -- I had a skirt on so I didn't want to throw my legs about too wildly and moon everyone) One lady came running up shortly after I went up front, and for a moment we danced together, delighted at the unity of our spirits.

I have danced before -- depending on how much I felt God's spirit. When I am disconnected from worship I can't even sing, but when I feel his presence I just have to dance. It has been a long time since I have danced in worship, though... the last time was before I knew that I had been sexually abused. Me being able to dance again shows that I'm beginning to trust God again, and express love for him.

But even though I have danced, I have never danced like that. The only way I could have danced with more abandon would be if I was wearing pants (instead of a skirt) or if I was naked (which wouldn't fly even in my unusual church, I'm sorry to say). There was just such intense joy...

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and later, the lady who offered to mentor me came up and asked for my contact info. She said, "If you're too shy to call, I'll reach out to you!" So now I feel pretty confident that she meant what she said. She also came up to me last week and asked how I was and why I hadn't called... I told her that I had been doing better and hadn't felt the need to call. It makes me feel more secure just to know that she definitely is willing to be there if I need her.
feelings: happy
sounds: "When The Spirit Of The Lord" in my head
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.