December 2017
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beginning to be realfriends with my evil twin / I smoked, mmm yummeh.

I have so much to say and it's all jostling for position and so I can't get any of it out, it's like it bottlenecks... that's why lately there have been several times when I haven't posted for days... and that's why there have been a flood of posts (relatively) today, I finally decided "so what if no one reads all this because I posted too much in one day, I need to get it out." And I'm not backdating either, so there! :-p

So, my evil twin came over and we talked and talked and talked... while doing other things, of course. It's safe to say that we are friends again, on a level we've never been before. We were friends way back in middle and high school, but that was almost always just for fun, nothing too intimate. Yet I did consider her a best friend, right after Rebecca, just in a totally different way... anyway.

First she locked her keys in the car, so we called around for a locksmith (all ridiculously expensive), and I called my uncle who knows a lot about cars (he built his first car!) but while I was on the phone with him learning how to use a coathanger to open it, Kristen went outside and pushed the window down. Apparently it was broken, but it hadn't occurred to her to push it down. Oh the blondness!

Then she and I went out, to the Dwarf House (because she became addicted to chic-fil-a in the 4 years she worked there) and to my favorite little coffeehouse, and she poured out her heart to me. She's had a very hard time lately... Her parents make me thankful for mine. Seriously! And Kristen's no pushover -- her personality is nearly as strong as mine. I think the difference is, her parents are more controlling than mine (all with very good intentions) and she hasn't had anyone around her suggest that maybe they are wrong -- regardless of how much they just want to help. It was hard to listen to, and when Ben heard about some of it he was furious.

I tried to be calm and just help her see that it isn't all her fault -- partly, but not all. They keep telling her that she is "on the path to destruction" and they basically insinuate that if she doesn't let them make all the decisions for her, she'll make exactly the wrong ones and end up destroyed. Kristen just kept wanting me to see their side of the story, because she thinks I am biased towards her and therefore my thoughts aren't quite valid. I think I do see their side -- they are genuinely concerned for her, they want her to have a happy healthy life, and they don't think she can do it without their 'guidance.' The problem is, she's not a child anymore. She has a need to make her own decisions, and she is falling apart because while they are taking responsibility for her every action, she can't take responsibility herself. She's making the wrong decisions because she has been trained to equate right and wrong with what they let her do and what they stop her from. Yeah, if she moves out and takes control of her own life, she'll probably make some mistakes. But I think she has a very strong spirit and if given the chance, will learn quickly from her mistakes and develop into a very mature person. If they'd let her go, they'd probably come to admire her. My parents did.

It wasn't the most light-hearted evening, but it was fun all the same. We rocked out to some Gwen in her mustang convertible... I forgave it for being a mustang when she put the top down. What an awesome feeling. I must have a convertible some day... preferably a violet 97 firebird formula, sexeh!

Then we went back to my house, sat in her car and smoked a raspberry cigarillo (we didn't go inside because of Ben's asthma) -- I had never smoked before and I was curious. We shared one because I didn't know if I would be able to smoke one entirely, so we were passing it back and forth when our mormon neighbors came home and walked right by us -- I told Kristen they were mormons and we giggled wondering if they thought we were smoking a joint.

Oddly I had no problems with it -- yet secondhand cigarette smoke makes my lungs physically hurt. (maybe it was because we were outside) I tell you what, if it weren't so bad for you (and expensive and nasty-breath-inducing and voice-destroying), I would definitely smoke. I love playing with the smoke -- Kristen kept giggling at me for staring at the swirly patterns. And it just looks badass. Too bad it's so horrible health-wise.

I gave her her birthday present and made her put it on so I could take pictures:
Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usFree Image Hosting at
She's so darn cyuuuute!!!

I think she liked it... I explained to her that "indomitable" was the one word that I thought best described her (a while ago I made several shirts for my friends with their 'characteristic' words). She didn't quite know how to react, but after she put it on she liked the way it looked, so I suppose it was good enough. It's glowpaint! which made her like it more. I still plan to get her something else, though, because I don't think she felt 'understood' enough from that present. Plus, I made it for last year's birthday and just never got it to her, so that made me feel a bit guilty.

feelings: contemplative
sounds: Muse: "Falling Away With You"
connecting: , , ,

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blakeseventy3 ══╣╠══
Great shirt :)
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
gyrlcentric ══╣╠══
you are really giving off a lot of happy growing settling vibes
keep it up
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Thank you! *snuggles*
wittypnai ══╣╠══
good luck on this newly revived friendship =)
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
shespoke ══╣╠══
I like your present to her. If it wasn't so bad for you, I wouldn't mind playing with blowing the smoke out of your mouth. It's the breathing it in that hurts your throat. But blowing it out can be all swirly and you can make patterns with the smoke coming off the end.

I like the present that you got her too. I wish she would have gotten the meaning but maybe she'll figure it out in time.

So you posted twice in one day. -I- happened to enjoy it! :)

belenen ══╣giggling╠══
hee hee, I'm glad you enjoyed the double-post. ;-)

(I painted the word on... not sure if you got that)
shespoke ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
rangoth ══╣╠══
Man, I want an evil twin! That would be coool! >stamps feet<
That shirt is really cool.
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
Heh, she adopted me. I like it.

dangermike ══╣╠══
I never thought I'd drive a convertible, but now that I have one, I have to say: It's incredibly fun.
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
heh. Suuuuuuure you didn't dream all your life of having a convertible -- after all, no guy does!
smalltownhero ══╣╠══
In our county, there is this group of volunteers called "traffic control", and they unlock cars for donations.. its sooo much cheaper then a locksmith.. i'm glad we have it.. and ya know what? i never realized exactly how many people locked their keys in their car everyday until i started working for 911.. its outrageous!!! I'm tellin ya, locksmith's could make some money if they wanted to!

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
oh wow, that's awesome! Lucky you!
aubkabob ══╣╠══
YANNO? (silly capslock) i always MEAN to get AAA, but sort of never get around to it. and you would think that with as many times as i've locked my keys in my jeep (back when i had my jeep), that i would learn.

but noooOOOOooo.

and did you know that wallbrat works, like, BLOCKS from my house? small freeping world, i tell ya.

and you'd best be careful, someone's moving in on your woman!

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Hrm. Somehow I'm not worried. ;-)

So are you guys going to meet for coffee and a long philosophical discussion sometime? I imagine you'd both come home and post very interesting entries.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
kevloid ══╣╠══
there's a pic idea - you smoking. :-)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Yeah, we thought of it, but it wouldn't have turned out that well because it was so dark, and we couldn't go inside -- but I do plan to do it in a photoshoot at some point. ;-)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
As far as the whole parent thing is, I think that they are just having a difficult time understanding a simple thing - one way to show someone that you most love them is to allow them to make their mistakes while reassuring them that you will love them regardless of their decisions. My parents had a hard time discovering that at first, I feel, but they have changed so much. It's fun to be around them now!

I LOVED smoking the little cigars whenever I smoked. Hm... there was a honey, chocolate, peach... I just love the way they smell, and depending on which one you get, they leave a pleasant taste in your mouth too. :) Though I've sworn off that for a while.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
The whole parent thing -- if I were to go into detail, that would be too much like gossipping, so I'll just say that I think their problem is a bit more deeply rooted than that.
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
I love that shirt you got her! It looks so cute!
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
Smoke itself does look neat...but even if it wasnt bad for us Id still think its nasty...blech.
belenen ══╣curious╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣me╠══
Not to be a boring ol' stick in the mud, but my train of thought is always, has always been, and will always be:
smoking in any way shape or form = bad bad bad

One thing that I'll always be judgemental about. I can't help it. Especially after seeing how it's destroyed Robert....good god, by 18 he had the lungs of an 80-year-old. I'm just glad that you have the sense to understand that it's not a good habit to start.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Oh, I definitely won't make it a habit. But I consider it kinda the same way I consider drinking -- one beer does at least as much damage to your brain as one cigar(-rette, -illo, whatever) does to your lungs. And your lungs can heal, while your brain cells do not regenerate (if I'm remembering correctly). Basically, I think it's okay as a once-in-a while thing.

But I totally understand your aversion to it because of the damage that it has done to Robert.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
smoking is so fabulous I do it fifteen or twenty times a day. haaah. don't smoke. you wouldn't believe how quickly you can get addicted and suddenly you're smoking a pack a day. hmmph.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
heh heh. I won't get addicted. ;-) It's like wine to me -- I don't want to have it that often or it won't be special. And I won't try cigarettes, either. Just the little cigarillos. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.