October 2017
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day with Kaylene -- slept in, met landlord, took her to work / singing paranoia


Today I called in sick and mayana and I slept until 3:45. (Fifteen minutes before when I would have been off of work) Oh, I am so glad I did. My paycheck is going to be very very meager, true, but oh, it was so WONDERFUL to sleep in! And there is something very comforting about sleeping in the presence of someone you love. It feels safer than sleeping alone, I guess. That is one of the things I am most looking forward to about getting married; being able to cuddle every night! It won't be as exciting as sex, but I think it will be every bit as fulfilling.

Anyway, Josh and Ben called us at 3:43 and 3:50, respectively, and we finally got out of bed, got ready and went to meet with our new landlord! Yay! We signed agreement and payed our deposit, and now we won't have to deal with him anymore. I didn't like him very much; he despises youth and is just disagreeable.

But John and Ellen (who we are subleasing from) are just so awesome! They gave us a wedding gift -- with instructions to not open it until after the wedding, when we are alone. sciethen knew my curiosity wouldn't be able to handle that, so he wouldn't even let me hold it for very long. And I was about to open it, too. It was heavy, didn't rattle, and was just so ... tempting! And they love us already. They told us to pay the rent when we could this month, 'cause Ben hasn't gotten his workman's comp. check yet, and Kaylene hasn't been working very long. (my money is enough for the deposit but that's it)

Then I took Kaylene to work (we stopped at Starbucks for a "celebration" coffee) and went to church. After the service I talked to Pastor John about my image of God, how I can't see him as pleased with me (ever) and how I am so afraid that if I let him close he will criticise me. So PJ told me that I need a mentor, someone who has been through that and can help me tear down and rebuild my image of God, and he listed some names. I ended up asking Jeannette Jordan to be my mentor, as she is a woman who I've always had a strong love for, even though I don't know her. She was delighted, and we exchanged phone numbers. I'm so glad I finally got something real happening in that area. I'm also really glad that PJ read my life story, 'cause now he understands me so much more, and therefore gives me wonderful counsel.

The other thing was....... setting up a possible performance. I asked about singing "O come o come Emmanuel," 'cause that song fits my voice well, at least I think so. I'm scared to sing in front of mayana though, since she told me that I tighten my throat when I sing, and I can't not do it around her, and I'm sure it bugs her. And I want to do it right, dammit. It's awful, 'cause I want her opinion, but I know it'll be negative. (see how my image of God affects my image of everyone else?)

I want confidence in SOMETHING that I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also started packing. I need more boxes.

feelings: restless
sounds: Sisqo's thong song inexplicably running through my head
connecting:

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.