November 2017
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what's in a name... really.


My birth name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

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Comments
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sidheblessed ══╣ponr╠══
I can relate to the struggle to find a name. it took me years to find one that I felt was "me" and even now i'm not 100% sure the search is over.

I think Bel suits you but can see why it might not work as a first name.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah, it's weird -- it makes me all happy to hear others call me Bel, but I can't bring myself to do it. And it doesn't sound right for Ben to call me it either.
streaked_beauty ══╣╠══
that sorta makes sense to me.

my name is Deborah and I never thought it really fit me. strangers would say it didnt either, and I always wondered how they really knew if it did or not if they didnt know me at all. I guess I looked more like a Victoria or Amy, but not a Deborah. I didnt like my name for the longest time, but it kinda grew on me. I still cant say if its really me, but I think after a period of time, I dont think I can picture myself with any other name. Though for a period of time I wanted to rename myself to a name that was a bit stronger, but still feminine.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I'm glad you've adapted to your name. I've never known a Deborah before that actually went by Deborah, so that's kinda cool. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
I'd steer away from gretchen and wendy. :-)
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Very good advice there. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
carodus ══╣╠══
this sounds like its part of the healing process you are going through. It is just another way that you regain control over re-defining yourself and who you want to be.

I think more people than you realise struggle with their name -- it is an imposed identity given to you by your parents/guardians. For what it is worth - I like your name :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
heh, I like my name too. That's what makes it so weird that it doesn't seem me anymore.
beautymess ══╣╠══
I've thought of a name for you, but only you know if it will fit. (I think it's pretty.)

Name: Isabella.

Gender: (female)

Origin: Italian
Meaning: Consecrated to God

Bel is often short for Isabella anyway, right?

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Huh! That's pretty interesting! I'll have to keep that in mind. It's my (spiritually-adopted) little sister's middle name, too.
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
babynames.com

Pop in the meaning and it'll pop up the names.

Have fun. Works wonders with my writing.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah... but it doesn't have a name for my meaning. ;-)
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
It's strange to me...because I never really put too much thought into my name. I don't hear it very often at all, because nobody ever says it when talking to me. It was at a point last year that when someone would say "Hey, Danielle!" I wouldn't answer. Even last night, first night back at work, a woman read my nametag and said "I want to name my daughter Danielle." She was nine months pregnant. Stupid me (felt stupid, anyway) said..."It's a very pretty name." It just never really dawns on me that I have a name and that I am an individual. I'm so used to being stuck in with a group, that now I feel like I don't even have my own personality. I'm not Danielle. I'm an "Attention JC Penney Associates" or a "Hey you guys" or a "You people in the sophomore class."

This is why I love reading you. I feel like I grow a little each time I read and/or respond to something you say. You are truly a gift to all of us.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
You're a "you" to me....your name is there because it makes it easier for me to say "I love my Danielle" then "I love my girl with the big boobs." :-)


....and I have never called you "Attention JC Penny Associates!" :-P
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
vineofcrescendo ══╣╠══
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣faery╠══
You don't have to worry about not making sense to anyone...me least of all. I think a name is an important part of identity, which is why mine's gone through it's transformations.

When I was very young I was Nicole, because my family tends to go by proper names until you get older. When I was a little older I was Nikki, which I was comfortable with until I was 16 and my sister got sick and ran away - my entire life changed, and it changed me, and "Nikki" was far too young and innocent for the way I saw the world. "Nik" covered things well during that awkward teenager-to-adult stage, but now that I'm a lot closer to "all grown up" I knew it didn't work for me anymore. I needed something more mature and powerful, something that had more meaning to my own soul again.

Really, I pity the people who have known me through all these name changes, it must be awfully confusing for them. :-P

My point is, it makes perfect sense to place importance in a name because it's the one single word that encompasses you and is your representative in the world. It has to be you, in a way. Take your time, you'll find what fits.

Oh, by the way, that "dragon rider" thing is just screaming for a dirty joke, you have no idea the restraint this takes for me. :-P
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Aww, that's so sweet of you to restrain yourself! Seriously, it means a lot to me that you'd consider that. But actually, I don't think I'd be too sensitive about that in particular -- "Dragon Rider" is already a dirty joke, kinda (it came from my nicknaming Ben 'Dragon'). So satisfy my curiosity with your dirty joke. ;-)

And thank you for the support. ;-)
wandrlost ══╣╠══
when i was growing up, i hated my name. Being a donald is not easy as a child (think ronald mc... duck... and that lovely scottish ditty "donald, where's your trousers). so,i shortened it to don.

but that never really fit right.

it was not until i was an adult that i reclaimed my name. i started hearing all these stories about my grandfather (after who i was named and who had died right before i was born) that i went back to donald. he was a kind and gentle man. and, in his own small way (as a farmer in rural nova scotia), he was a social activist -- garnering shock and outrage for having the first nation migrant farm hands come into his home for lunch on a daily basis. trust me, this did not make him pupular in the 40's and 50's.

and when i reclaimed my name, i felt, well, a whole lot more like me.

i'm not sure if this little parable helps or not, but i do wish you well in findig the name that truly belongs to you -- or to which you belong.

so, an extra thought or two for you as i meditate on my prayer mat tonight...
vineofcrescendo ══╣╠══
A little over excited about prayer mat's.
Wow, you have a prayer mat? I have always wanted to do that. I'm a christian...I like the way muslims pray and kneel on a mat and put their heads down. I just like dedicated spirituality...I think maybe I should get a prayer mat. Where do you get prayer mat's anyhow?
wandrlost ══╣╠══
Re: A little over excited about prayer mat's.
belenen ══╣╠══
Re: A little over excited about prayer mat's.
belenen ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣Henna Cross╠══
Perhaps it is not a nickname but a soul-name. A year ago God gave me my soul name... "Sweetened by God"



belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Hmm, yes, that makes sense.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
I totally understand. Ancient cultures had the right idea: life-changing experiences = time for a new name.

*SQUEE!* Last night was FAB! But you're right: that openness thing, it hurts. Had a bit of a wibble afterwards...(yeah, I was trying harder than you knew, huh? ^_^)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
And I thank you for trying (and succeeding!). *huggg*
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
BTW, when I was doing my tarot research for that project this reminded me of you:

Queen of Wands

They light up a room when they enter, radiate warmth and energy, humor and spirit. Very often they're in entertainment, actresses or singers. They can also be leaders and activists. Men and often other women hover round them like moths to a flame, and can certainly be burned by their hot, passionate, restless natures. Not that these women can't be gentle; they love children and are almost over-active participants in the lives of their kids, making costumes for plays, coaching teams, etc. These are very creative women, with boundless energy to make, do, travel, entertain. The problem, of course, is that these Queens have trouble stepping out of the spotlight. They can overwhelm or intimidate, be bossy and overbearing. At their best, however, they are an inspiration to their family and friends, and often to admiring strangers as well.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
And apparently the Queen of Wands is a "fire" card. ^_^
belenen ══╣╠══
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
How do I know when I have a new name?
Mine´s "Juan", It´s a translation of "John" or something alike, but, I would want to have a Japanese or Chinese name like Lee, Yashiro, Hiro, etc.
dolphinlover81 ══╣╠══
It's the same with me, My real name is Amanda but I've always been called Amy because I hate it lol
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I like Amy better than Amanda too. ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.