August 2017
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bellydancing disappointment -- no gift, no motivation


I have to fight with myself every time to go to bellydancing. I love it, but I feel like I have very little natural talent, and if I have no gift for it, why waste my time? If I'm not going to be more than average, why bother?

I'm spoiled, because I am usually better than average. And I'm a bit fucked up, because I have always been pushed to perform better than everyone else. So faced with the idea that I am not gifted at something I have so much passion for is just... painful. And why face unnecessary pain?

But I keep going back, mainly because I want to stay decently fit, and other than bellydancing (and practicing at home) I'm not active at all. That's not why I wanted to bellydance! I wish I could just... get a shot of confidence, I guess. No, what I really want is just to be naturally gifted, because I am spoiled fucking rotten and I want ALL the gifts and ALL the talents possible! To make life fun and make challenges worthwhile, because in the back of my mind I would know that I have a gift and can, if I put my mind to it, beat everybody.

Maybe it's just a pride thing. Maybe I'm proud, snotty, and don't like performing sub-par even though I'm trying my damnedest. I don't like being inferior to anyone in any way. Yeah, sounds like I have some pride issues. Hmph.
feelings: irritated
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
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