February 2018
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I just finished my 'homework' for small group counseling tomorrow, and I feel so drained. It's so hard to face... especially with me not knowing what really happened! At least, not knowing most of it.

Trust is the hardest thing to do when you've had someone violently destroy your most sacred self. I shake my head and think, no wonder I've always found trust a nearly impossible task. Even squeezing out just a drop is an exhausting process. I've learned to do it with most women fairly easily, but with males and authority figures (even worse, the two combined) I have made scarcely any progress at all. I trust Ben more than I've ever trusted a man -- but I hold back so much, stuff that I don't even realize.

I'm so full of rage. It saps my energy... when I finally let it out, what else is left?

sounds: Jester's Dream: "Reaching Out"
connecting: ,

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kevloid ══╣╠══
what's left?

I guess a good analogy is when you hurt yourself physically. initially there's an ugly scab, but once that comes off there's new skin underneath that's pink and tender and delicate. as long as another injury doesn't happen in that same place, the new skin eventually becomes as strong as all the rest.

trust is the same. when enough time passes with nobody abusing your trust, you'll be able to trust more & more.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I like that analogy.
belenen ══╣╠══
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Yep. What the above person said.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
*hugs* Then "Rage" by Benita Wenkler is a very appropriate icon.
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
*shakes head with a smile* That's right, that was birthed from CGtalk, wasn't it? Do you happen to know who wrote the poem that the contest came from?
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
notashamed ══╣astrid. loving heart.╠══
i don't know the details, but i have faith that you can get through this. I will pray for you, love.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Thank you. Just thank you.
aubkabob ══╣hug╠══
what's left? a new beginning.
belenen ══╣pain╠══
Re: *hugs*
I want to see that, but all I can do right now is strain to see the next step. I just have to keep going.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
Re: *hugs*
wandrlost ══╣╠══
i don't really feel equipped to offer advice...

but, i'll offer a poem -- one that i wrote in my journal a long time ago. it refers, not only to the rage, but also the withdrawal that can come along with it. the ability to reach out with passion. unconditionally.

so, no advice, only a gift for you.


Why, when dangerously
Close to a burning rage,
Do I fold and crumple
Like a paper dragon.
Passion, when shaped to fit
The patterns of lifeless
Docility, becomes
Simply ornamental.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Thank you. That really means a lot to me, I cherish it. Thank you for that gift.
wandrlost ══╣╠══
phrankenstyne ══╣Raven╠══
I can offer no advice, and almost nothing else. Know simply that you are in my thoughts and sporadic prayers.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you, that is important to me. ♥
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
The really neat thing about being a Christian is you don't have to worry what is going to fill your empty spots once you have released all the poison. I kind of look at it this way - imagine this beautiful pot that was buried under the sand for almost 2000 years. This beautiful pot had some sort of something inside it that had sounded like a good idea when at first the owner of the pot had put it in there, but 2000 years later, it had corroded the inside of the pot until almost nothing was left besides a very fine layer. One could almost be certain that if they did nothing more than sneeze on it the pot would crumble.

But this one man, a potter, picks up the pot (yea, yea, I know you think you know where this is going, but you're still gonna have to listen to it.), tenderly holds it to himself, and proceeds to go to his workshop. First, he has to remove the rest of the pot's inner poison, or all of his good work will be for naught. This is a very difficult task, as it almost removes the pot itself, the poison has become so intertwined. After he has removed the poison, he begins to put his own material inside the pot, to smooth out the faults, to fill in the cracks. The material is good, and once it has set for a while, the material is no longer so much a part of the Potter as it is the Pot.

I guess I went through all of that to reassure you that YOU aren't going to have to worry what is going to fill you after you have released the poison that has been trying to hold you captive for as long as you could toddle. God is going to worry about it - you'll be more yourself than you ever were as soon as you offer up that empty space to him, and you'll find that there is more peace available to you than you had ever thought possible.


I'll be here for you, Bel.
eternitywaiting ══╣chococat╠══
Liiiiiisten to her, Bel. She makes a good point. Though I feel the need to make one addition: You have even more available to fill that empty space than faith and God, because you have scores of people (like the two of us) who love you dearly and would gladly offer pieces of us to help fill you up, too.

And dammit, you have to trust a comment made by a non-Christian who's saying, "Listen to the girl who's talking about God!" :-P

belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
abstractfish ══╣╠══
stay beuatiful bel, you're on the right road
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much for the support. ♥
sing_dream_love ══╣╠══
It seems many people have problems with trust, myself included...it is definitely frustrating. :-(
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs* We just have to keep going, we'll get there one day.
nikare ══╣╠══
We shall see what can be done. Do hold to your strengths and allow those with strength to hold you as well.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you.
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
You aren't all rage, so when it is all let out then there will be all the good stuff left. Which will give you energy then. I'm sure you're getting better, or it wouldn't be so hard.

Anyway, the thing about trust, the more you give, the more you get, so you'll have lots of people to help you back. :)
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
You aren't all rage, so when it is all let out then there will be all the good stuff left. Which will give you energy then.

It's odd how something can be so true, and yet I can't recognize it as such until someone else says it. Thank you. ♥
scream_baby ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
It was odd actually, that last question went straight from my soul to my fingers without even passing through my brain... Anger has been my defense for a long time, I think, and it's hard to know where the anger ends and I begin.

Thank you for the encouragement. I assure you it isn't wasted, it means a lot to me. ♥
belenen ══╣╠══
gyrlcentric ══╣╠══
Here is something nice:

My mother-in-law had on the ladybug earrings and the girls at the drugstore were very very impressed, mom loves them because they are so light and of course they have ladybugsp; I would like to get her another pair that are red and gold.
belenen ══╣earrings╠══
aww, I'm so glad she loves them! Drop me an email when you want me to send you an invoice. Do you want them the same length as the others, just with gold instead of black?
shespoke ══╣╠══
Wow. I can really relate to this. While I really trust Chris, there are still parts of me that don't. It's not him, it's my reaction to things that have happened to me in the past. :/
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
It sucks that they have to stand up to so much scrutiny, but they've both got awesome women, so I think that makes up for the struggles. ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.