November 2017
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sugar and water intake / energy now that depression is less / don't want more healing / trusting God


I tell you what, working 9-hour days after 5 months (almost half a year!) of near-total physical inactivity is kicking my ass! But in a good way. I have discovered that I developed one good habit over the summer -- I drink a lot of water during the day now, and my sugar intake has been minimal, so when I drink a soda it tastes cloying after the first few sips. When I was working before, I bought a coke and a candy bar every break, and I was oh-so-tempted to do that again, but I resisted, and had water and a granola bar instead.

I have so much more energy now! probably partly due to the sensible sugar intake, but I think mainly due to the fact that I used to be so incredibly depressed that it was a huge struggle just to live, much less work and smile and be friendly. I am continually amazed at how easy life is now -- it's like living crippled and then being suddenly healed -- things that were a huge struggle before are just so simple now.

But that has its downside. I don't want to continue healing, I no longer have the drive. The only reason I'm giving it even this half-hearted effort is because I want truth that will comfort and give hope to other victims. I'm so angry at everyone with their sanctimonious bullshit! I have been healed in the basic way, I suppose, but the deeper places are still just as furiously wounded. If I think about it for any length of time I get so pissed. I keep asking, "WHY? how could God not step in?" and all I get is "You have to find your own answer to that question." I don't want that to be true -- I don't want to have to tell victims that. So I hope that it's really just that they're being private about it -- I know I won't have that problem!

And even deeper -- my relationship with God is so broken I can't even look at it. I know part of me never stopped loving and trusting him, but I have no idea where that part of me is hiding. Right now, my faith can't even be called faith. I absolutely believe that he exists and that the Bible is true -- I believe it mentally at least, but spiritually and emotionally, I just can't reconcile a God of Love to this image in my head. And I have no idea where to go from here. I kinda want to believe that he's trustworthy... but I kinda don't.

A kinda cool thing that happened at the support group -- I was sitting bored while everyone else was communing with God, and wondering why it was so hard for me to hear him speak. Suddenly I got this image of him coming up to me (spiritually) and starting to say hi, and my spirit jumping up with her hands on her hips and shouting, affronted, "Who dares talk to me?!?" It made me snicker. The best thing about it was that when he gave me that image, it was with a feeling of amused acceptance. Other people might see me as rude, obnoxious, arrogant -- but he sees me as, and I quote, "Fierce."

That did give me a bit of hope... but still no answers. I am so conflicted.

sounds: Kosheen: "Face In A Crowd"
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
tremontidood ══╣╠══
I totally understand. I quite drinking soda a year and half ago because i did not want the sugar intake affecting my basketball playing. Since then, i have taken one sip of soda. Im kinda proud of myself :)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
good for you! ;-)
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Yeah, try not to succomb to soda and candybars. I've been without soda for several years now (except on special occasions when soda is the only thing to drink). Let me tell you, my body is thanking me for it. The candybar is kinda a hard habit to break... but I'll only eat junk food once a day... if that. lol

Thanks for sharing that image of you and a good. lol It is amusing.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
ha ha, i quit soda, too, a long time ago, and would get my caffeine fix from coffee.

now i'm trying life without coffee, but with tea instead. it doesn't have AS much as coffee, (especially compared to the pot and a half i was drinking a day!) my stomach lining is thanking me...

but cheez, i miss it! i keep forgetting i have some decaf in here, and although it wouldn't taste AS good, it would still be nice for a fix.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Congrats! You have come a really long way, so don't give up!!

The reason why I quit drinking coke/pepsi was because I would have some pain in my stomach and I remembered this girl telling me that soda creates holes in the stomach. I got scared and just drank sprite but that's just not the same, so I stopped altogether. Never in a million years I thought I would be without soda.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Oh, I don't want to avoid soda completely -- but I do want to avoid making a habit of drinking one every time I go to work. I know that couldn't have been good for me. The candybar was an easier habit to break -- I actually prefer granola bars anyway.

And you're welcome. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
part of the help i accidentally gave myself to stay away from sodas while at work: i bought one and it overdrafted my account, so a dollar soda instead cost me $34.

and another $34 for the candy bar i bought later on.

and another $40 for the little snacks i bought to share with the night crew the next day.

grr, overdraft fees. i shouldn't be eating that crap, anyway - i'm hoping that making an idiotic mistake like that will be a bit of an arguement against spending my hard earned money on something i really don't need.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i've been having a lot of the same issues with my spirituality, too. unfortunately, i'm too entirely sleepy still to go TOO in depth with it.

amazing how lack of sugar improves everything? it makes me wonder why on earth i still want to eat the stuff at times. back when i had low blood sugar (severly medically low), it would mess with my moods SO much, i seriously thought i was going insane! after i quit eating sugar (right around when i met up with livejournal, in 2001) i finally started feeling like myself again.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Yeah, not to jump on the bandwagon, but I think a lot of us have been having spirituality issues in our lives lately. I wish I could say I was doing something about my owm, but man, resentment and bitterness is a lot easier.

I seriously can't come to terms with the idea of quitting sugar. Maybe it's because I sell what are essential little cups of colored sugar-ice every day, but it's just fucking vital to me. Though I am drinking more diet sodas than regular now, if that counts for one tiny little point. :-P
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i think some of it, too, is that a lot of us are so busy that it's difficult to figure in religion and spirituality into our schedules. if we're so busy, why should we figure in something that is causing us to feel resentment and bitterness?

though with me, i can't say that i'm overly BITTER, per se. i still have my belief here *taps chest*, but i guess that it's just been taking a back burner with everything else going on right now.

which, i suppose is SO not how it's supposed to be.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Damn. But then you're hypoglycemic, right? So that explains the severe reaction to sugar. Ben's dad has it so bad that he never eats carbs and uses very little sugar (like 'sugar-free' candies and splenda rather than sugar, etc.). Otherwise he is so uptight and grumpy -- and if you know him, you know that is a weird and scary thing to see; he's usually so easygoing and calm.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i used to be VERY severely hypoglycemic, to where if i ate any simple carbs at all, they would make me violently ill. in looking into things, it looks like the way my body reacts to sugar now is because i'm officially in 'prediabetes'. you would THINK that in seeing how awful my mother is because of not taking care of her diabetes, and knowing other people with the disease, i would take better care of myself.

it's SO on the to do list.

oh how i wish i could wave a wand and magically be a healthy, lithe yoga vegan! i think i have one hiding in me somewhere!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
"who dares talk to me!!" i love it!! ;-)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
;-)
darkpool ══╣╠══
I absolutely believe that he exists and that the Bible is true -- I believe it mentally at least, but spiritually and emotionally
I know exactly what you mean with this. Right now it's not that I don't believe in God exactly, it's just that I don't really care.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Yeah. I think we all go through periods like this -- but this is by far the deepest and worst one I've been through.
baka_shampoo ══╣╠══
I hope you get out of this feeling soon, nobody wants to be stuck feeling down. It can also be quite a distraction a LOT.

at least your eating/drinking healthy. Soda is actually VERY bad for you. I won't be going into healthy eating/drinking skills, that's for later after graduation of High School and college.
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
heh heh, I like your little plan -- to drink and eat as unhealthily as you want now, and shape up after college. ;-)
synisterchyck ══╣╠══
I'm kinda jealous of those who can have faith in anything.

I used to believe in God.

Then I believed in the Goddess.

Now these days it's all I can do to believe in myself enough to get out of bed.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I believe in you!
invisibleglue ══╣Tori hand╠══
Haha that image made me laugh too :)

*hugs*

belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
*hugs back* It's so weird seeing you with an Angelina icon. I keep thinking you're one of my Angie-freak friends. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣solitude╠══
i've been thinking a lot about this post since i originally read it and how i've been feeling a lot of the same thing for quite some time now.

my walks to work are almost somewhat of a spiritual journey for me. it's a half hour of me, nature, and my mp3 player, so i get a chance to experience a lot of the different songs.

a particular song struck a chord in me and every time i've heard it, i have thought of this post.

first? the lyrics, because i know how much the actual words mean to you.

this is a song that.. well, after the vacant stairs had the whole ben/angie/stace situation erupt and i came back from vacation to find my band in a shambles and only us 3 girls left, we began to do this song. i had received a mandolin for Christmas, so it was me on my mando, Laura on guitar, and Stace on her.. well.. bass.

i remember how much laura fought doing harmony because she hated to hear people sing. at a party we played at shortly before breaking up, we finally did this song for others in its entirety with the three instruments, and with the three part harmonies. i remember us finishing and looking at each other in wonder at how good it sounded, how amazing it felt to perform it, to ACTUALLY PLAY it.

that was the last time we played together, or very close to it. shortly afterwards, laura decided to go on an 'indeterminate haitus', and i made the split-decision to move up here to washington state, effectively breaking up the band.

but the lyrics and inflection reminds me of that night, and of this post, and of my own spiritual insecurities. i love Sara's voice, how innocent it sounds, yet full of emotion.

and now i have for you: some nickel creek.
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
dammit. I didn't download the song in time! But I like the lyrics...

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why.

So very fitting.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣musical╠══
I like iiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Very Jewel-ish -- and I love Jewel, when I'm in the right mood. ;-)

Thanks for sending it again!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.