July 2017
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body changes & self image
This summer has been very difficult body-wise, despite all the wonderful positivity I've been surrounding myself with. I think part of that is that I know I grew very out of shape and unhealthy -- and I've always had a complex about being fit, due to my dad being a marine who thought that I was a marine too. Spending 5 months doing almost zero physical activity will take a toll on your body. I was pretty much housebound, partly because of sharing the car with Ben and partly because I just became agoraphobic. Dealing with the sexual abuse was so much on my mind, and I was driven by the fear of it happening again. I'm somewhat better now, but not the fearless soul I used to be. I used to believe with every ounce of my being that if someone tried to rape me, God would send angels to stop them. Well... I don't believe that anymore, and so all I have to rely on is my own puny self.

Anyway, lack of activity added pounds (I don't know how many because I believe that scales belong in the doctor's office, thank you) -- for the first time I can really remember. From age 12 to 20, my weight was the same. My shape changed, but I could always wear the same pants size and dress size. So my body's sudden growth to the point where I can no longer wear my old pants just freaked me out -- I had never experienced that before! And I'm left bewildered because I don't know what my body 'should' look like. (my pastor says 'should' is the nastiest curse word ever coined, and I agree!) Am I meant to be a size 8 or a size 12? I suppose getting back into shape will tell me that. And no, I don't need to work out everyday to get in shape.

My body's already changed just because I've been working -- my waist is more defined and my belly is more shapely (not flatter! Just more shapely, I don't know how to explain it) and I am getting this adorable little dip between my ribcage and belly. I'm really falling in love with my body in a way I never have before.

I looked at some photos of me at age 19 the other day and I was 'triggered.' I never had an ED, but I had an addiction to self-hate, and I was so tempted to hate my current self, looking at those old photos. How could I ever have thought of myself as fat? Good grief! I was actually pretty slim -- not skinny by any means, but slender enough. So when I looked at those photos I just wanted to start cursing myself out, calling myself all kinds of horrible names... and at the same time I felt so much regret, having wasted all that time hating myself when I should have been enjoying my sweet little body.

BUT! I refused to self-hate, and looked at those photos with new eyes. I had a cute body then -- but now I have a womanly body. My nineteen-year-old body had almost no hips, and my breast size was at least three sizes smaller. I've become a woman, and there is nothing unhealthy or shameful about that. I love my hips, I love my breasts, I love my ass, and I like my belly! I love my curves and I don't want to lose them.

I have come so far.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.