November 2017
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becoming my true outgoing self




to Yvonne (from work) -- traded numbers, went to lunch
to Brie (from work) -- gave her my number, invited her to bellydancing
to Dani (from work) -- offered to hang out, traded numbers
to aubkabob -- yes it was a big step for me to call you! Seriously!
to Ingrid (from church) -- traded numbers, planned an outing (which didn't work out)
to alariya -- dropped in at her house out of the blue
to shioneh -- again, big step for me to call you! I was so nervous! The letter I put in the mail last week was also a big step.
to Cynthia (from work) -- offered to take her home whenever we have a shift ending at the same time (she's currently car-less)

I actually went to lunch with Yvonne, which was quite fun and not at all awkward despite the fact that she's one of my supervisors. She understands the healing process, and she's very open and honest, so it was very easy to be open and relaxed with her. I loved learning more about her, and I think she enjoyed the time. She was a little stiff hugging me when she left (despite the fact that she initiated it) but I think that's just 'cause I'm used to very touchy-feely friends. I was even comfortable letting her pick me up and drive us rather than doing the torturous car trade-off with Ben. Me, comfortable receiving generosity? shock!

And I invited Brie (also from work) to go to bellydancing with me. That's a huge step because I'm rather private about my dancing, I hate to dance in front of people, yet I was comfortable inviting her -- and before, I was way too afraid of 'intruding' on people to actually invite them to anything. I'd think that they'd be thinking, "Ugh, who'd want to do anything with her? She's so dull/dumb/quiet!" Now, I never think that. I actually consider myself a person who is fun/interesting/worthwhile to be with. Even to Brie, who is one of those people who obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks -- she's strong and fierce and funny, and I don't consider her out of my league.

And Dani, she is such an AWESOME person. She always wears non-matching earrings (all four holes), which tells you a lot, I think! And she has this intricately pretty criss-cross scar next to her mouth, which I would compliment her on but I don't know her well enough to know if she'd take it well. I'm like Angelina in that I find scars attractive. She's crazy and relaxed and her spirit is so open. Back in the day, I'd have heroine-worshipped her from afar but never dared to even talk to her, much less show her how much I admire her! But the new me, Krista, I asked her out! And she made me feel awkward by pretending to think I was hitting on her, but I got over that really quickly, and even joked back. We're supposed to go to the local coffeehouse on Friday. And I'm totally okay with being honest about how much I like her! I was openly happy when we got assigned next-door registers, and she was too. I used to be careful to hide my admiration/like for someone unless they showed that they liked me first -- a fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, I suppose. But no longer!

Why such a big step to call Aubrey? I don't know. I suppose because I didn't have a plan on what to say, and I hadn't really conversed with her before. My old self would have thought, "She probably doesn't want to talk to you, don't call her and inconvenience her." My new self thought, "Huh. I feel like talking to Aubrey." *dial*

The Ingrid thing wasn't that hard to do, since Ingrid is incredibly easy to get along with, but it was hard to follow through, because for some reason I have been relationally avoidant for a good while now. I'd rather be alone than go to the bother of hooking up with someone -- but obviously that's changing.

You'd think that dropping in on alariya would be easy for me, but it wasn't. I had such a perfectionist view of relationships -- if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to do it at all. But something changed in me recently, and I've come to the conclusion that all interactions are valuable, even the 'inconsequential' ones, like just saying hi, or spending an hour with someone just casually connecting. I've come to believe that my investments in people are never a waste, even if there's no noticable change in relationship.

With Cynthia, I know I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her why she seemed down, about a week ago, and she'd never have told me about her worries and the fact that she is in need of a car. And even though I felt dumb just saying that I'd pray for her, it seemed to be important to her because today she asked if I was still praying. And before, I'd never have had the confidence to tell her that anytime that our schedules ended at the same time, I'd give her a ride. I'd have worried that she'd judge my driving or my car, or think that I was being condescending to offer. But now, I offered without a second thought, and she gratefully accepted, and even though I did feel a bit embarrassed by the mess on the floor, I was able to dismiss it and be comfortable.

feelings: contemplative
sounds: Wild Strawberries: "Pretty Lip"
connecting: , , , , , ,

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Comments
aubkabob ══╣╠══
yaay! i always feel like i'm talking your ear off when i call because i always want to tell you EVERYTHANG about me EVAR. lol especially when you called me after i got off work and was sleepy and brain dead and BABBLING!

but i always love talking to you and am glad that you feel comfortable calling me now!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
YAY you like to babble to me!!! And btw, it is SO your turn to call. Make me feel luuuuuved!!!
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i do plan on calling you soonish, though i feel really weird towards the phone right now, like i need to correct some things inside before i start reaching out to others again. and every call i've had with you has been so special and wonderful to me, i want to make sure i'm prepared for that again.

if that makes sense? i'm going through a weird transitional phase right now.
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
You seem happy. I like that. *hugs*

I called you last night. I left you a voicemail... I'm not pushing you to call me back if you don't want to...but I was just wondering if you got it...or if I maybe called the wrong number.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
I love ya babe! I thought your voicemail was adorable! What is the latest time I can call you? I keep procrastinating because I only get in the mood to talk at about 11:00 at night (which is also when I usually get off work) and I was worried that that's too late for you.
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
You can call me as late as you want! I'm always up to watch Leno and Conan O'Brien...usually later...unless I'm sick, in which case I put my phone on silent...but other than that, I always leave my phone on. Don't feel bad about waking me up...no one else ever does. *L* And I want to talk to you more than anyone right now!
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
So you are a bellydancer huh? That is very interesting. I've never personally known anyone who was interested in/knew how to do that type of dancing. I once saw a middle eastern woman belly-dancing at a festival- she proudly displayed her stretch marks and curvy body. I admired her self-esteem and spirit.
belenen ══╣dancy╠══
Oh I love bellydancing. It's so beautiful and empowering and earthy.
valynn ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣musical╠══
Awww, I'm glad you are happy for me. And yay that you're gonna call me!

What a cool dream, how fun! You know, I can definitely see me going to a concert with you. ;-) Since we have such similar musical taste and all!
scream_baby ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣earrings╠══
Re: Think Pink.
YAY happygrin. ;-D

when you're down you feel even more vulnerable and unable to put yourself out there, exactly when you need to do it the most. Or maybe that is just me?
Definitely not just you!!! Me too, I think everyone is that way.

It was my first time calling her, but she had called me for a brief time once before. Heh, that's funny that you think we must talk often. We do, actually, but usually via LJ. I think we've talked on the phone three times total.

Dude, I will so make the loop design for you! Do you want it in the same colors that are on the site? and the same length?
scream_baby ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣necklace╠══
Re: Current Mood: oh, so silly!
Well, I also would have to use a different center bead at the bottom of the loop, so... I will look through my beads and just find a purple or aqua or bluish bead to use instead of the green one, how's that?

OH HELL YEAH, snitch someone else's card and buy my stuff! ;-) Just kidding.
scream_baby ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Re: Current Mood: oh, so silly!
credit cards in my immediate vicinity are trembling!

*giggle*
invisibleglue ══╣johnny oollah╠══
I'd love to get a call off you sometime. it would make my day!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
aww, I'll have to do that sometime!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.