February 2018
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letter from Danielle & postcard from Vee / curvygirls conflict


I had the bestest day! I got my Supreme Beings of Leisure CD in the mail, AND a beautiful postcard from bluebl00d AND a long letter from boobiequeen!!! Oh that so made my day. ;-) I have the best friends! I can't wait to get enough postcards to actually start my collage. And usually I'm an anticipation person, but I really loved being surprised by Danielle's mail. Thank you Danielle and Vee!

I haven't been very active in my journal the past couple of days because we've had some Drama going on in my community, curvygirls. One member posted a very open, honest expression of how she felt -- that all of the photos of the small curvy girls in the community made her feel uncomfortable. So everyone responded to that, both affirmatively and in disagreement.

Then I posted this, describing my intent for the community.
My intent was that this community be for sizes 7-12 (though I never wrote that down) -- but that intent changed. As people joined and posted their photos and stories, I began to realize that healthy curviness also comes in larger and smaller sizes. My perception of healthy curvy beauty shifted. Yes, I'll admit, seeing images of girls who were thinner than me at first made me very uncomfortable, and I wanted to gently shoo them out -- but I didn't, and instead tried to change my perception. I forced myself to see their healthy (though sometimes very subtle) curves, and as I did, I found myself growing more confident in my own curves. I now believe that it is impossible to truly accept yourself as beautiful until you can see beauty in those who are different from you. Then, and only then, can you love the fact that we are all different and you are unique. And it wasn't just the thinner ones that changed my views -- I began to be able to see those who were heavier than me as beautiful too, which was an amazing breakthrough. Since I had always condemned my own supposedly 'unneccessary' curves, I condemned others too -- and as I accepted others I was more able to accept myself.

This community is for all healthy curvy girls, and for those who wish to become healthy. This means that if you are unhealthily underweight or obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, as long as you are (however slowly) heading in the direction of healthy curviness, you are wonderfully welcome here. We happily include those who are naturally smaller or larger.
I hope it was enough to convince those who were uncomfortable with the smaller girls to stay.

and then another member decided to post something that I never got to read, because she edited it to say, "nevermind, this isn't changing anything, just causing pointless debate." Judging by the comments from people who had read it, she was commenting ostensibly on 'health' but displayed some serious judgmentalism -- health is not measured by weight, as she ought to know from having read the medical/health articles posted in the community. I had already been irritated with her attitude (she never commented except to say something negative, and seemed very elitist -- go figure) so I was tempted to ban her -- fortunately, she made the decision for me and left. Good riddance, I say. We don't need that kind of behavior, and until she grows up some, she's only bringing negativity.

I really love this community. I've never seen any group of people who are so willing to compromise, to learn and understand and accept others as they are. They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. And they're all so gorgeous! Seriously, I wish I could post some photos here to show you. They're stunning.

sounds: Supreme Beings Of Leisure: "Nothin' Like Tomorrow"
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
acid_burns ══╣angelina jolie / you are a pearl╠══
Hey Belenen, where can I leave my address?

And also, I hope someday I will accept myself they way you accept yourself. You're a beautiful person. Truly.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
awwwww, I was beginning to think you didn't love me! You can leave it here, in a private poll.

I really hope you can accept your beauty too. ♥ and thank you.
faetal ══╣╠══
I keep meaning to find the words to explain things to you, but only you. I didnt make some big explanation in C_G because I simply didnt want to proliferate any more drama. I .. really.. really dislike drama.

Mayhaps i'll find the motivation to send you an email about it, or learn to screen my comments and leave you a good one.
belenen ══╣curvygirl 3╠══
you can leave me a comment on the screened post, and only I'll be able to see it.

But I don't hold any bad feelings against you, so please don't worry about that. *hugs*
bluebl00d ══╣╠══
Finally it got there, I'm glad you like it ;)

Oh and hum I don't think I'll ever be able to accept myself the way I am but it is so wonderful seeing others doing so. It's inspiring.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I'm sure you will someday. I think you've come pretty far since you met Nea, her love had really encouraged you I think. I mean, you posted photos, and more than once! That's progress right? It might be a long journey but I'm sure you'll get there eventually. Getting healthy will help with that too, I think.
writer_lilies ══╣*dies from teh cute* x_x╠══
Let's see if I can put this tactfully...I'll just apologize beforehand if you find anything in here offensive. It shouldn't be. Anyway, that community kinda pissed me off because there were those size guidelines. I ended up leaving after I read that too. It was just one of those "Well EXCUSE ME!" moments. I mean it's your community and you can write whatever rules you want, but when I was there and I don't know if it's still there or not, the user info said something about not posting pictures of obese people. I was thinking, well wtf? I AM obese by medical standards. By my own standards, I'm gorgeous and will be in any size because I know who I am inside and out.

Then I was wondering if you meant obese like those messed up cards they have at Spencer's with the ladies with tons of rolls (which are probably airbrushed and photoshopped) since I know some idiot troll would take things too far and probably post something like that trying to be funny.

Needless to say I was a bit torn.

Either way, I see where you're coming from. I just wanted to say my piece. I'm not mad at you or anything like that and I left damn near a year ago. This just reminded me that I felt similar to those girls. Other than my own hang up, I thought you attracted a very nice group of pretty people. I still might re-join and post a picture of myself though. If I can ever get my damn camera working.
belenen ══╣curvygirl╠══
heh, that's why I edited the rule to explain better what I actually MEANT:
2. No posting photos of unhealthy or 'enhanced' women. (that means no photos of anorexic, obese to the point where it seriously inhibits health and mobility, or surgery-enhanced women. We understand that those women can be beautiful too, but we're here to celebrate healthy, natural curviness.)

Because yes, I meant women who were SERIOUSLY inhibited by weight. The ones who use the motorized carts at Wal-mart, you know?

Healthy weight really is relative, it differs from person to person. Two people of the exact same age and height and bone structure are not designed to be the same weight! And muscle weighs more than fat, so the healthier of the two could easily weigh more.

But the community was created in June, so you couldn't possibly have left nearly a year ago. hee hee! ;-D

I'd love to have you come back. Oh, and go look at my most recent post, the bellydancing photos! There are some bellydancers who would be categorized as being 'obese' -- but obviously if they bellydance they're healthy enough!
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
johnnyinamerica ══╣greyliner╠══

My curves are very petite, and therefore I didn't want to intrude on your community, but reading through the userinfo. and seeing the pictures and what not amazed me all by themselves. What a fantastic community you seem to have set up.

I just find it really funny that some of the girls are uncomfortable with their curves. Funny-ironic, not funny-haha. Not because I can't understand it, because the media is absolutely atrocious with picking apart people's appearances, but because, being 6' and very thin, I've always wanted to have the curves that you guys seem to represent. I've since become very comfortable with myself, but all through high school I was ashamed of having small curves.
belenen ══╣curvygirl -- me╠══
!!! We have a lot of girls who have very petite curves! a work safe one and here's a not-work-safe one and another work safe one. We have a really amazing variety. I could link you a lot more but they're often friends-locked and you wouldn't be able to see them unless you joined.

I definitely think you should join. ;-) You have some AWESOMELY curvy legs!!
kevloid ══╣╠══
I hate to say it, but you probably shouldn't use an icon that's not work safe. *ducks* I don't personally care (definitely don't object :-p), but I'm just thinking of the people who do check lj at work...

and to the people who check lj at work: get to work, eh? :-)
belenen ══╣wild╠══
oh bah humbug! Spoiling my fun. And it took so much guts to use that icon, too! ah well, I see your point. It'll just be for commenting from now on. :-(
kevloid ══╣╠══
shioneh ══╣curvy beauty╠══
so much to say, so little time to say it :( I have been wanting to resond to that post for a long time because it filled me with a lot of hurt and made me very confused.. I still intend to, this weekend hopefully, when I am not running around trying to do the crazy things school expects me to do. for now, I love you, I love curvygirls and your letter will be off monday.

oh oh, and

They respond to negativity by pouring out postitivity; such an amazing beautiful thing. yes! that is exactly why I love the community so much. It's one of the reasons I love YOU so much.

*runs away because should be working*
kevloid ══╣╠══
*runs away because should be working*

lol :-D
belenen ══╣╠══
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I'm a curvy girl myself...if I find a way to do it I'll take some pics and join your community. I think it's great that you have a community for real women- not model thin unrealistic representations of what the "ideal" woman is.
belenen ══╣curvygirl 3╠══
YAY! You don't HAVE to post pics to be a part of the community, though, you can go ahead and join now and just post photos when you get them. ;-)
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Been debating over whether or not I should stick my nose into this. Decided to go ahead. Maybe because my judgment isn't so good right now? Also speaking in sentence fragments. Hmm.

I decided to just stay clear of the group since I left. Cold-turkey or something. I don't think I'm cut out for communities. I mentioned "mob mentality" but it's more than that sometimes, it's...I don't know. I'm not thinking coherently enough to explain. Bear with me.

I looked at the community after you made this post. I imagine there's stuff I can't see (friends-locked posts) and maybe that's a good thing. Someone on there made on comment in particular about a girl being "skinny with big boobs" and not curvy. Because apparently she has the right to decide what counts as a curve and what doesn't. And that's the problem.

Your community is a million times better than most. You should be extremely proud. But there are still a lot of cruel, judgmental members. People who make me and people like me feel out of place, or worse. They'd have me think that I'm not "allowed" to have issues with my body because my body is different from theirs. They make girls like me feel bad when we feel good - like we should feel guilty when we're confident, because it further undermines them. But it's not my job to feel like shit to elevate their self-esteem. And I shouldn't be vilified for being the way nature made me any more than they should be.

This is a little ranty. And I'm not blaming you at all, just expressing a bit of relief I guess. The community was good for me to a degree, and from there I just had to go on my own, and that's fine. Like I said, I don't think I'm cut out for communities, I'm not good at constantly staying outwardly focused - sometimes I have to think about me, and self-preservation, and that doesn't do well for a community. I just think there are a few too many members in curvygirls who are inwardly focused all the time, and in a kind of cruel way. It's not fair to hate someone for being skinnier than you, and it's not fair to tell them they don't belong.
belenen ══╣curvygirl╠══
Someone on there made on comment in particular about a girl being "skinny with big boobs" and not curvy. Because apparently she has the right to decide what counts as a curve and what doesn't. And that's the problem.

Actually, the girl who posted that fit that description and considered herself curvy -- she was talking about another girl who also fit that description and did NOT consider herself curvy. She wasn't judging the other girl as not curvy -- in fact, I think she believes the other girl to be curvy (otherwise she couldn't consider herself curvy: do you see?)

I'd really like it if you'd point out to me what posts/comments seemed hating-on-skinnier-girls, so that I can watch out for them. I haven't seen any myself -- maybe I'm overlooking? I do know that some people have been uncomfortable, but in that hongo long post I basically just told them to try to change their attitude or leave.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
streaked_beauty ══╣╠══
its so odd to me as how its so easy to be negative but so difficult to be positive. why do you think it is?

anyway, i left the community because i was on dial up and ahh. i have dsl now so ill be joining it again!
belenen ══╣curvygirl 2╠══
Why? because of our society. We're just that way... I've actually been thinking about that a lot lately and will probably post about it. ;-)

yay for DSL and rejoining!
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
I'm glad the letter made you happy... I've been wanting to comment about the community...but I just don't know what to say...negative vibes are flitting about in whatever way...that's the only thing that makes me uncomfortable... even negative subjects can be discussed without negative vibes, you know? It's just a matter of remaining civil and level headed...and I think a lot of people are just quick to jump and post their thoughts, instead of sitting back, thinking, then posting.

That's all for now.

love ya!

(callllll meeeee pleeeeease?)
belenen ══╣curvygirl 2╠══
I think everyone was pretty civil, except for that one post that I missed, but she deleted it and left, so it's all okay now.

I know what you mean about the negative vibes though, but I think those are already evaporating and will be gone soon, having made us a closer group for having survived it.
sidheblessed ══╣curves╠══
I have to admit that curvygirls is frustrating me of late. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely one of the most supportive groups around but I get frustrated by the negative entries and comments about what is curvy and why you shuld love curvy women. And I get really irritated when the smaller girls get called "not curvry" because they're not a size 14. Curvy doesn't mean big, it means curvy!

*head desk*

But other than those little annoyances, I do think curvygirls is a great community and I'd say you shuld be proud of it, but der, you already are!
belenen ══╣confused╠══
why you shuld love curvy women

I understand why the other stuff is frustrating, but why is that frustrating?
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
meowtwinkitty ══╣╠══
Hello from Mexico! your jewelry is great...
I want to send you a warm hello from Mexico City, My name is Alma I would love to be your friend because you seem super nice and HONEST, I will join at your group of curvygirls... Have a bright wonderful weekend!!!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: Hello from Mexico! your jewelry is great...
thank you! Glad to meet you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.