September 2017
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ending counseling with Patricia / theophostic with Lisa / feeling God's presence / karen


I haven't been posting much about my counseling sessions, because we have a confidentiality agreement in the support group and not much has been happening in my sessions with Patricia. It's not wasted time -- but it's not very productive either. We've been on a sort of plateau for a while now, for several reasons:
---we haven't been meeting consistently, because she has such a busy schedule and a BUNCH of times the secretary has made mistakes on the schedule (which I'm still pissed about, but not sure whether to confront her or just shrug it off);
---I haven't been very receptive, partly because I'm not as trusting since she's not meeting with me consistently (even though I'm sure she does her best, I still feel unimportant to her, 'cause she's not making time);
---She has gotten to the point where she knows me so well she tends to make assumptions on my feelings/motives, rather than taking my words as truth -- I can still bring her around to my point of view, but it makes me feel trapped in her opinion;
---we haven't been doing much theophostic lately, for whatever reason.

So, last session, she told me that she wants to stop having sessions with me, at least for a while. And I had to agree that that was probably the right thing to do. She suggested that Ben and I meet with Richard and Virginia for couples counseling instead -- but I really don't like the mindset Virginia has about how wives should be. She's never rude or outwardly judgemental, but I get a very judgemental vibe from her sometimes. So I don't want to do that.

But I met with Lisa (another counselor in the same practice) for a theophostic session this week, and it was amazing. Actually it was far beyond amazing, but I can't think of a word emphatic enough. It was... deeply soul-cleansing.

I should explain what 'theophostic' is. The easiest explanation is that it's the Christian version of hypnotherapy -- instead of a human leading you into your subconscious, God does, with your full consent. Basically the counselor and I pray together, and then we ask God to take me to a memory that he wants to work with and heal. And he does.

He took me to a memory when I was 6 or 7, spending the night at my friend Karen's house. She was in the top bunk, I was in the bottom bunk. Her much-older brother came in, climbed up into her bed, and molested her. I could hear her crying, begging him to stop, and making noises against her will. He then left, throwing me a look that made me unbelievably furious. The look said, "I could easily have you too if I felt like it." I would have ripped him to shreds in that moment, even as a 7-year-old.

I felt all kinds of horrible things, violated, helpless, guilty for not doing anything to make him stop, guilty for not comforting her afterwards but pretending to be asleep while she cried. There was no horrible emotion I didn't feel right then.

As I was looking at the memory, I could see my spirit overlapping theirs -- I was only a few feet away, and spiritually I felt as if it was happening to me. I could FEEL her emotions, her devastation. I experienced it in a very real way -- not the same as she did, but in a very real way nonetheless.

So Lisa asked God what he wanted to show me about that memory, and he showed me a clear protective dome over me, and I knew that was the prayers of my parents. My parents had prayed for God's protection since I would be away from them, and he gave it. If they hadn't prayed, it's very likely that I would have been molested too. That made me feel so much more loving towards my parents -- even though they failed in other ways, that showed me that they did care, and did try.

Then as, in the memory, I saw him leave the room and saw my friend cry, I felt horrible for not comforting her. So Lisa asked God to show me what he wanted me to know about that, and he showed me a huge clear hand holding me to the bed. He prevented me from going to Karen -- and as I saw that I remembered how I had felt paralyzed, incapable of getting up. But I asked, why would he do that? Why would he deny Karen comfort? And he responded that it would have made her feel worse -- she would have felt abandoned, since I was older than her and somewhat of a protective figure, as well as guilty that I was around, and ashamed that I knew. She needed to believe that I was asleep.

So I felt relieved from guilt, since I was actually incapable of doing anything to help Karen. But I was still filled with a complete and utter hatred for Sean, which I told Lisa.

She asked me what I thought I should do about that, and I said 'I don't know' so she told me to ask God -- and of course he said 'forgive him.' And I knew that that was the only way to break the power he had over me, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to suffer exactly as Karen had suffered because of what he did to her. Lisa told me to ask God what he thought, so I did... and he brought up a verse to my mind, "Vengence is mine, saith the Lord" (showing my baptist roots with that KJV, there). I laughed a little, and thought about it. My choice wasn't really between taking vengence or giving it to God -- it was between Sean not suffering or giving it to God, 'cause I can't do a single thing to Sean. Once I thought about it that way, it was simple.

So I gave God the right to vengence, and then (after struggling for a few silent moments trying to force out the words) I forgave Sean for violating my ears, my eyes, and my presence. (I can't forgive him for what he did to Karen because that's not a sin against me) Then we broke the soul ties that I had had with both him and Karen, due to what he did to her in my presence. God separated our spirits, returned mine to me and theirs to them.

I began to feel an immense peace and a sweet lightness. I felt as if I was floating weightlessly, wrapped in a blanket of warm water. I felt this physically as well as with my spirit, and Lisa encouraged me to just rest in it. I saw God holding me in his lap, with my knees folded to my chest and his arms encircling me completely. I felt God's love, felt his presence! I don't think you can understand how amazing it is unless #1, you've experienced it and #2, physical affection means as much to you as it does to me. That's one of the reasons I've always had a hard time believing God loves me -- I need physical touch to feel loved.

I've felt it twice before. The first time was when I was on the brink of suicide because I could not climb out of the 'black hole of woe' that I lived in every day. That was shortly after I had begun to seek a friendship with God... it was by far my favorite experience. It felt like a waterfall of warm honey was flowing slowly over me, through me -- on the surface of my skin and in the core of my spirit. It meant so much to me, and that experience alone kept me going for a long time. The second was just a few months ago at church -- I was worshipping and I felt his presence, dancing with me. He was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me. I tested it to see if I was just imagining it -- I switched rhythms and felt resistance, because he didn't change rhythms with me, so I delightedly went back, and danced with him.

Anyway, this time I sat there in pure comfort for I don't know how long, before slowly opening my eyes to look at Lisa, who was smiling at me. She told me to close my eyes again and ask God what he wanted me to know about that experience. So I did -- and he told me that I could feel his presence anytime I wanted, which confused me because I know I have wanted it many times and not had it. So I asked how, and he told me to take authority. I repeated this to Lisa, who told me to ask if there was more, so I did -- and he brought a verse of Psalms to my mind, "Enter into his presence with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise." Lisa told me to ask again if there was more, and he told me to empty my mind -- not to pray for people or read the bible or pour out my heart, but just think about him and invite his presence (that other stuff is separate, at least at this point).

Then Lisa prayed a sealing prayer, and we hugged and I left. Exhausted, but peaceful and still light. So incredible.
sounds: Olive: "Curious"
connecting: , ,


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.