November 2017
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ending counseling with Patricia / theophostic with Lisa / feeling God's presence / karen


I haven't been posting much about my counseling sessions, because we have a confidentiality agreement in the support group and not much has been happening in my sessions with Patricia. It's not wasted time -- but it's not very productive either. We've been on a sort of plateau for a while now, for several reasons:
---we haven't been meeting consistently, because she has such a busy schedule and a BUNCH of times the secretary has made mistakes on the schedule (which I'm still pissed about, but not sure whether to confront her or just shrug it off);
---I haven't been very receptive, partly because I'm not as trusting since she's not meeting with me consistently (even though I'm sure she does her best, I still feel unimportant to her, 'cause she's not making time);
---She has gotten to the point where she knows me so well she tends to make assumptions on my feelings/motives, rather than taking my words as truth -- I can still bring her around to my point of view, but it makes me feel trapped in her opinion;
---we haven't been doing much theophostic lately, for whatever reason.

So, last session, she told me that she wants to stop having sessions with me, at least for a while. And I had to agree that that was probably the right thing to do. She suggested that Ben and I meet with Richard and Virginia for couples counseling instead -- but I really don't like the mindset Virginia has about how wives should be. She's never rude or outwardly judgemental, but I get a very judgemental vibe from her sometimes. So I don't want to do that.

But I met with Lisa (another counselor in the same practice) for a theophostic session this week, and it was amazing. Actually it was far beyond amazing, but I can't think of a word emphatic enough. It was... deeply soul-cleansing.

I should explain what 'theophostic' is. The easiest explanation is that it's the Christian version of hypnotherapy -- instead of a human leading you into your subconscious, God does, with your full consent. Basically the counselor and I pray together, and then we ask God to take me to a memory that he wants to work with and heal. And he does.

He took me to a memory when I was 6 or 7, spending the night at my friend Karen's house. She was in the top bunk, I was in the bottom bunk. Her much-older brother came in, climbed up into her bed, and molested her. I could hear her crying, begging him to stop, and making noises against her will. He then left, throwing me a look that made me unbelievably furious. The look said, "I could easily have you too if I felt like it." I would have ripped him to shreds in that moment, even as a 7-year-old.

I felt all kinds of horrible things, violated, helpless, guilty for not doing anything to make him stop, guilty for not comforting her afterwards but pretending to be asleep while she cried. There was no horrible emotion I didn't feel right then.

As I was looking at the memory, I could see my spirit overlapping theirs -- I was only a few feet away, and spiritually I felt as if it was happening to me. I could FEEL her emotions, her devastation. I experienced it in a very real way -- not the same as she did, but in a very real way nonetheless.

So Lisa asked God what he wanted to show me about that memory, and he showed me a clear protective dome over me, and I knew that was the prayers of my parents. My parents had prayed for God's protection since I would be away from them, and he gave it. If they hadn't prayed, it's very likely that I would have been molested too. That made me feel so much more loving towards my parents -- even though they failed in other ways, that showed me that they did care, and did try.

Then as, in the memory, I saw him leave the room and saw my friend cry, I felt horrible for not comforting her. So Lisa asked God to show me what he wanted me to know about that, and he showed me a huge clear hand holding me to the bed. He prevented me from going to Karen -- and as I saw that I remembered how I had felt paralyzed, incapable of getting up. But I asked, why would he do that? Why would he deny Karen comfort? And he responded that it would have made her feel worse -- she would have felt abandoned, since I was older than her and somewhat of a protective figure, as well as guilty that I was around, and ashamed that I knew. She needed to believe that I was asleep.

So I felt relieved from guilt, since I was actually incapable of doing anything to help Karen. But I was still filled with a complete and utter hatred for Sean, which I told Lisa.

She asked me what I thought I should do about that, and I said 'I don't know' so she told me to ask God -- and of course he said 'forgive him.' And I knew that that was the only way to break the power he had over me, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to suffer exactly as Karen had suffered because of what he did to her. Lisa told me to ask God what he thought, so I did... and he brought up a verse to my mind, "Vengence is mine, saith the Lord" (showing my baptist roots with that KJV, there). I laughed a little, and thought about it. My choice wasn't really between taking vengence or giving it to God -- it was between Sean not suffering or giving it to God, 'cause I can't do a single thing to Sean. Once I thought about it that way, it was simple.

So I gave God the right to vengence, and then (after struggling for a few silent moments trying to force out the words) I forgave Sean for violating my ears, my eyes, and my presence. (I can't forgive him for what he did to Karen because that's not a sin against me) Then we broke the soul ties that I had had with both him and Karen, due to what he did to her in my presence. God separated our spirits, returned mine to me and theirs to them.

I began to feel an immense peace and a sweet lightness. I felt as if I was floating weightlessly, wrapped in a blanket of warm water. I felt this physically as well as with my spirit, and Lisa encouraged me to just rest in it. I saw God holding me in his lap, with my knees folded to my chest and his arms encircling me completely. I felt God's love, felt his presence! I don't think you can understand how amazing it is unless #1, you've experienced it and #2, physical affection means as much to you as it does to me. That's one of the reasons I've always had a hard time believing God loves me -- I need physical touch to feel loved.

I've felt it twice before. The first time was when I was on the brink of suicide because I could not climb out of the 'black hole of woe' that I lived in every day. That was shortly after I had begun to seek a friendship with God... it was by far my favorite experience. It felt like a waterfall of warm honey was flowing slowly over me, through me -- on the surface of my skin and in the core of my spirit. It meant so much to me, and that experience alone kept me going for a long time. The second was just a few months ago at church -- I was worshipping and I felt his presence, dancing with me. He was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me. I tested it to see if I was just imagining it -- I switched rhythms and felt resistance, because he didn't change rhythms with me, so I delightedly went back, and danced with him.

Anyway, this time I sat there in pure comfort for I don't know how long, before slowly opening my eyes to look at Lisa, who was smiling at me. She told me to close my eyes again and ask God what he wanted me to know about that experience. So I did -- and he told me that I could feel his presence anytime I wanted, which confused me because I know I have wanted it many times and not had it. So I asked how, and he told me to take authority. I repeated this to Lisa, who told me to ask if there was more, so I did -- and he brought a verse of Psalms to my mind, "Enter into his presence with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise." Lisa told me to ask again if there was more, and he told me to empty my mind -- not to pray for people or read the bible or pour out my heart, but just think about him and invite his presence (that other stuff is separate, at least at this point).

Then Lisa prayed a sealing prayer, and we hugged and I left. Exhausted, but peaceful and still light. So incredible.

sounds: Olive: "Curious"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
loved_gamgee ══╣aslan╠══
wow. that was purely inspirational. i've had the same experience with actually feeling God with you and holding you and just basking in his radience. and i agree, it's hard to describe to people.

i guess i did 'theophostic' on myself when i came to my realization of how to fix my life. once again, unless people have gone through it, you can't explain it. i use my experience to argue with non-believers about how the writers of the Bible could know what they know and see what they saw.

i'm really glad you shared this. none of my friends have had this kind of experience and drive me insane pretending they get it. they may on some level, but not like what you described or like i felt. God has blessed you!
tremontidood ══╣╠══
I agree.

Also, i was wondering if i could use your Narnia icons. That Aslan icon is simply beautiful! :)
loved_gamgee ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
loved_gamgee ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
pendarves ══╣╠══
your journey in healing and growing closer to God is inspirational. The idea that you go to 'couple counselling' seems a little strange - unless you are having problems as a couple. It seems that the first journey you need to make is for yourself - and for that you need to explore your own memories and feelings.

I wish you heart-felt healing and joy.

belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Well, all couples have problems. We're usually good about hammering out rough spots, but I think it would help to have an outside point of view on some areas.

Thank you. ♥
tremontidood ══╣╠══
Wow. This is a very intense passage. I got angrey reading about your friend's older brother. If i was there, he would have been on the floor bleeding. I hate that kind of thing. I know hate is a strong word, but i really do despise when 1) A man hits, punches, kicks, in other words abuse a woman 2) rapists 3)Molesters.

This is the kind of thing that most people dont even realize is really actually going on. They think it's just soem stuff that tv shows use or whatever. I mean fo pete's sakes people, yes this shit really does happen....daily!!! Thank you for sharing. You know, the more we can get these kinds of things out, the more sick people we can get off the street into custody.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
You know, the more we can get these kinds of things out, the more sick people we can get off the street into custody.

I agree. Right now 38% of women have been sexually abused before the age of 18. So if you are in a room with three random women, it's extremely likely that one of them was abused. And yet no one talks about it.
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
Wow. That is so encouraging. I am very, very glad that you had that experience. I can relate to it, having been through some very intense prayer therapy sessions myself. It sounds like you had a huge breakthrough, and I'm so happy for you. *hugs*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*hugs back* I'm glad you found it encouraging. ;-) and thank you for being happy for me! ♥
vineofcrescendo ══╣╠══
Wow. This is amazing. Glad I know you and thank you so much for sharing! I"m still way far behind where you are. One day I hope to be as liberated as to not be stuck on 1st gear.

The kind of connection, willingness and life that you have is so much what God desires to share with us- I am so proud of you for experiencing God's Love!
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
You are so welcome. ;-) I hope you get to experience that too -- it's so much easier with an experienced counselor guiding you, perhaps you could look into that? You don't have to have been sexually abused to need healing -- we all need it to one level or another.

thank you. ;-)
vineofcrescendo ══╣╠══
haha, almost everyone's comment starts with "Wow."

and this therapy you speak of...i have been seeking therapy for my supposed borderline personality disorder. but maybe i should refrain from that - maybe God is leading me to seek a similar type of therapy as here.

John and I had Christian counseling when we were together...but it was basically just like counseling except she was Christian. Do you know where I would look or where to start in seeking out some counseling, prayer therapy, etc?

and, may i ask what kind of church you attend?

and! i LOVE the part about you dancing and Him dancing with you and you changing up rhythm, that was adorable.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
The school of counseling that my counselors are in is called "Elijah House Ministries." You could do a google search for counselors in your area, or you could contact the leaders (ELIJAH HOUSE
Paula Sandford
S. 1000 Richards Rd.
Post Falls, Idaho 83854-8211
208-773-1645 / 1647 Fx) and ask if they have any counselors in your area. Here's their website: http://www.elijahhouse.org/

I think secular therapy can help, but I think only God can give total healing.

I go to an interdenominational multi-cultural charismatic christian church! haha, what a mouthful. My church website is http://www.libertychurch.org -- I loooooove my church. It's awesome!
eternitywaiting ══╣3x3 Eyes╠══
theophostic sounds very similar to what I did in my healing session. 'Cept my religion's a little more self-led.

I'm glad you found an alternative, someone else to help you with your counseling. I'm especially glad you had such a moving experience....you seem marvelously affected by it. *many many hugs*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*many many hugs right back* Thank you for being happy for me. ;-)
beautymess ══╣╠══
I'm so happy for you! I'm glad you had a good session with Lisa and have felt God's love again.

I've felt God's love physically once before when I asked him for it, but I've struggled with feeling his presence on a regular basis until recently, too. I'm planning on putting it all into an entry sometime.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thanks for being happy for me. ;-)

I look forward to reading that entry!
ex_whatsarah880 ══╣╠══
I have never gone through theophostic therapy. It sounds like it was really amazing for you, especially this session. I do have to give my therapist props on one thing - she never put words into my mouth or assumes my opinion. She may ask me and sometimes it's better worded and what I'm trying to say. I miss her, she's so far away...and I haven't found a therapist here that I can afford or that can help me.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
Well if you are still looking for a counselor in your area, you might try the school of counseling that my counselors are in -- it's called "Elijah House Ministries." You could do a google search for counselors in your area, or you could contact the leaders (ELIJAH HOUSE
Paula Sandford
S. 1000 Richards Rd.
Post Falls, Idaho 83854-8211
208-773-1645 / 1647 Fx) and ask if they have any counselors in your area. Here's their website: http://www.elijahhouse.org/

I really hope you find someone, I know how alone and scared I sometimes feel when I don't have a session for a while. *hugs* Love you Sarah.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
wow. so much of this post just made me feel so durned much, and all i can say is ... wow.

i'm so happy to read that you're healing in certain aspects, luv. that makes my heart soar.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*hugs* Thank you for being happy for me! ♥
12thknight ══╣╠══
I honestly cannot say I've had an experience like this - highs or lows, or having connected with God on that level. I do hope, though, that such connections bring you comfort and hope. These are things you have been denied too long.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
Thank you. ...and I hope that you do get to experience God on that level. It is so amazing.
sidheblessed ══╣Alt Pagan╠══
What an incredible expereince, thanks for sharing it. I know what it's like to feel God's presence. I've had my Gods hold me while I cry and had them dance with me as well. Words can't really explain how amazing it is. It's just...the most comforting and uplifiting thing I've experienced really and I'm glad you've had similar.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
Wow. That's beautiful, I'm glad you experienced that. ♥
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
Theophostic sounds very interesting to me. I will have to see if there is anyone in my area who practices it. Thanks for sharing your experience with it- I have learned so many interesting things from your journal already!
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
If you want a place to start, you might try the school of counseling that my counselors are in -- it's called "Elijah House Ministries." You could do a google search for counselors in your area, or you could contact the leaders (Paula & John Sandford
S. 1000 Richards Rd.
Post Falls, Idaho 83854-8211
208-773-1645 / 1647 Fx) and ask if they have any counselors in your area. Here's their website: http://www.elijahhouse.org/

I'm glad that you're interested in checking it out -- in my experience it's the quickest way to healing by about 100x the next best thing. ;-)
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shioneh ══╣dragonfly╠══
Dearest Bel, so sorry for the late reply.. When I read this I was so happy for you.. I'm really glad you found some help that was so healing and powerful. It sounds amazing because you weren't being told what was the right thing for you or how to feel.. you were being helped to look inside and feel it for yourself.
I love you Belenen, you are such a brave person.

belenen ══╣loving╠══
No need to apologize for late replies! unless I need to start apologizing for all of my late replies in your journal. ;-)

I love you too hannah, and I have to say it -- you are a gloriously brave person yourself. And thank you for loving me and expressing it. ;-) *hugs*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.