September 2017
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Kaylene is sorta back in contact?


A few weeks ago, Patricia told me that she had gotten back in touch with Kaylene. She knows how much I love Kaylene and so she didn't even think twice, she just said she'd pass Kaylene's contact info on to me... and then I sent Patricia an email asking if Kaylene had asked her to give the info to me or if Patricia had offered. Patricia then realized that she hadn't even asked Kaylene, she had just assumed that she'd want to pass it to me, but on thinking over it she decided that she needed to get Kaylene's permission, and Kaylene hasn't called or emailed her back since then. (I don't even know if Kaylene is aware that Patricia and I are in contact -- last time we talked was before Patricia became my counselor)

I have very mixed feelings... when I first heard it, I was nearly ecstatic. It seemed perfect because I had just been thinking about her that morning. I became close with Kaylene during the fall, and the combination of weather and driving in that area sparked all these memories. But even though timing seemed perfect in that way, I was unsure whether or not to make the first move. It's been over a year and a half since I've seen her. I know that we are meant to be friends again at some point in the future, but I have no clue what that point is. Right now I suppose it's been decided for me, since I don't have her info...

I'm not sure what I feel. Part of me is hoping that she is ready to be friends again, part of me is reluctant to re-connect. Part of me is afraid that she has regressed -- I do not want to meet a more-closed-off, harder Kaylene. She intimidated me already and I think I would run away if she seemed to have no softness for me. And there are so many glorious people in my life right now that it makes me reluctant to invest in yet another.

Yet, even in her 'worst' moments, Kaylene always inspired me. She was an incredible catalyst in my life -- when I think about it I feel so young, so small. In her strong points, she so eclipsed everyone I had met. Now I know more people like her, thanks to the beauty of livejournal, but I still don't think anyone could match her fearlessness. I wish you all could know her. I wish I could know her. I miss her. There is a chamber of my heart with her name on the door... and it no longer aches with emptiness, but no one else can ever fill it. One day... one day.
feelings: wistful
sounds: Olive: "Outlaw"
connecting:


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belenen ══╣analytical╠══
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belenen ══╣amused╠══
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.