December 2017
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31


pulling within and spinning as a wheel in my own center


I want to pull myself within and feed off of my own strength. Like I used to, be with myself more than be myself, watch myself from the outside and feel completely understood and supported and feel that burning desire to GO, to never stop, to flow like lava toward... I know not what. To turn like a wheel within myself, to feel my every fluctuation of sense. To pour all of my energies into my own self, until I am full and glowing with my own power.

What is that? Is that disassociation? If so, no wonder I can't break through. Who would want to give that up?

But I know I can't be that unless I separate from everyone else, and I don't want to do that either -- but the pull is so strong that I'm actually tempted.

sounds: Massive Attack: "Group Four"

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Comments
free2be ══╣╠══
I think I know what you mean. I like spending time inside myself too. It's a place of connection where everything is. Like me, perhaps you want to feast on it and fill yourself with its goodness and power.

I sense by the passionate words you've used in your entry... "...feed off my own strength...", "...burning desire to GO, to never stop, to flow like lava...", "To pour all my energies into my own self..." that you have a desirous hunger within for power and for freedom - for living life fully, and for being connected with life so strongly and so comfortably with your senses, that you always know where you best belong.

You seem to know that a source of power is inside you, that it is so nourishing and fulfilling, yet you cast about for some reason afraid to abandon yourself to It.

In my own case I've focused on developing a freer flow of these forces as they are not given to me, except to the degree I allow them to flow through me. And I do this while living a regular life!

I used to be "black or white", "either or", "now or later" in my perception of things which created something, perhaps a barrier, between the two view points. I was forever either trying to get closer, often cursing the barrier, or I was enjoying the safe distance the barrier provided. I now think, how stupid. I was experiencing exactly what I had set myself up to experience - but I wasn't always liking it.

As I realized there is only One energy, impersonal, which becomes and is EVERYTHING. And that I (and everything else) am an individual and personalized expression of this energy - while remaining the energy that It is (and that I am) - and since there is only One energy, then, EVERYTHING "is" - all at once - including me, and you, the sky, the air, and everything else. Everything is connected - except to the degree free will disconnects us.

We may view ourselves as having an inside world as well as being a part of an outside world, both of different "form", but the substance is identical - it is All One thing, One energy! There is nothing to go to and nothing to flea from, we are simply to be still and know. In effect, we are captive and cannot escape - until death, however we will not die. For if we are enlivened now by the One energy expressing Itself as us, through us; the One energy, life and love, will NOT end Itself. Neither would I expect our personality, our "fingerprints" of our free will, which colors and personalizes the expression of life, to simply vanish forever. No, we are forever part of the One while being within the One.

Knowing this, I live my earthly life as fully and as satisfyingly as I can. The better I can turn to the source within and let it flow hugely through me, the better It will express Itself. However since I am a unique individual, I must honor my own appetites and desires in this process; use my own "talents". Then, as the flow takes place, both I and the One are satisfied with the expression.

Recognizing my own talents, by myself, without regard to the right or wrong pronouncements of those in the world around me is difficult. Then, putting those talents into use and connecting them with their source for expression to take place...well, that's scary, but I'm doing it.

Hope that makes some sense to you. If it does, if it helps, great. If not, forget about it!! Maybe it is too personal an account. We each must find our own way.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you for sharing that. I don't have anything really to say, but I am glad that you shared, I enjoyed reading your perspective.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.