November 2017
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still shattered / opinions vs. truth / depression / disliking sex


You know, I'm doing so much better on my worst days than I was on my average days a year ago. But there are still parts of me that are so shattered. I can find joy now -- do find it, often -- but I'm still wounded. Still being drained by unhealed wounds.

And I'm sick and tired of taking other people's opinions as truth just because I respect them. This is a real problem here in my journal, because it is hard for me to look at the opinion of someone whom I respect and say, "that is not truth for me." And I need to do that. I don't bare my soul as often because it usually takes me a week to recover from the last time. I don't want to need that recovery time.

I feel such a weight pressing on me. It's very subtle, and only manifests itself in the fact that I always struggle to get out of bed -- even after 8, 10, 12, 14 hours of sleep (and I only need 6 hours to feel rested). I can't get as much out of life because I keep sleeping it away. And even though I get angry with myself and am determined to get up on time the next day, I end up staying in bed anyway.

And for a long time, I was neutral about sex (though flashbacks made me scared of it), then for a week or two I felt positively about it for the first time since I started uncovering sexual abuse issues -- and now, I actually dislike the idea. It almost makes me nauseated. And I have no idea why! It's painful and confusing. I feel fine about my body, I'm confident and happy with how I look, I don't have to worry about flashbacks or horrid images anymore, and yet the idea of sex is abhorrent to me. I don't understand it and it's crushing. It makes me not want to be married. I would never leave Ben -- I know I'd regret it -- but I just want to run away from this. I feel trapped. And I know THAT is crushing to Ben -- though he showed such love to me, telling me that he feels worse for me than he does for himself, since it must be awful to dislike the idea of sex and yet need it. Because I do -- it's a strong need of mine.

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Comments
kevloid ══╣╠══
maybe post-traumatic stress disorder?

if you can remember, you should document everything that was going on with you when you started feeling this way. you might get some insights about it that way.

are you just seeing a counsellor one-on-one, or do you have a support group?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
are you just seeing a counsellor one-on-one, or do you have a support group?

Used to be both, right now it's neither. Dunno when I'll go back, I'm waiting for some nameless something.
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
kevloid ══╣╠══
and yeah, it's important that your truth be yours. there's VERY few truths that are 'universal' - mostly they belong to one person, seen through their eyes and based on their experiences. it's all in the eye of the beholder.

I used to have a teacher that said there is no truth - there's only theories that haven't been disporoven yet.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
there's VERY few truths that are 'universal' - mostly they belong to one person, seen through their eyes and based on their experiences.

Exactly. Not two people actually believe the exact same thing, even if they are in the same religion, the same church, and have had the same upbringing.
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
it is hard for me to look at the opinion of someone whom I respect and say, "that is not truth for me."

Somtiomes I find that hard aswell. What you have to do is take all the advice and weigh it against your own judgment. If it feels right, it probably is. If something feels right then goes all wrong then that means that it was only meant to teach you an important lesson.

I hope you feel better, sweetie. You deserve to feel happy.

*hugs*
:)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you dahling. ;-)
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
In case you're ever in doubt, please please please know that you can always disagree with me. I've come to expect that we're going to disagree on things, and it doesn't make me mad or ever make me love you any less - though I'm still always going to think I'm right (because I'm a concieted ass like that ;-P) I can totally respect your views.

Also know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about anything, okay? *loooooooooove*
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I'm not in doubt babe -- it's just that this is a deep-rooted insecurity based on my parents telling little-kid me that something that I believed with all my being was completely false. I can't remember what it was, but it has affected me ever since. I have a hard time staying steady in my beliefs when someone I respect disagrees. I can still do it, it's just a hard battle.
valynn ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you my friendd. ;-)
wallbrat ══╣╠══
*hugs her* You not only can disagree with me, I insist on it. *smiles* I've always valued your opinion. You'll get to where you're going and you will be healed. It will take time and you have so many of us to lean on. Don't hesitate to do so or to speak your mind.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
You not only can disagree with me, I insist on it
that made me smile. ;-) and thank you for believing in me.
streaked_beauty ══╣╠══
I have a strong need for sex, but at the same time im not too "comfortable" with myself as I was with my exbf. I havent figured out what the problem is yet, but hopefully with more time it will get better.

I have a problem with people making attacks when I make posts or misunderstanding what I mean.

belenen ══╣upset╠══
I have a problem with people making attacks when I make posts or misunderstanding what I mean.

!!! It sounds like you need some new friends! That's horrible.
streaked_beauty ══╣╠══
p.s. I think that if we were to ever hang out I wouldnt have a problem talking to you about stuff. I dont find you that kind of person to make judgement, assumptions or think less of another.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
wow, what a beautiful thing to say. Thank you so much.
mscrescendos ══╣╠══
maybe it is the next step in what you will go through to overcome what you have to overcome with sexuality. this too, shall pass.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you.
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
Bel, I am so proud of how far you've already come and how very determined you are in your quest for healing. It's so admirable, so huge. You're at a low point with sex right now, but who knows, you may find yourself working through something different/new, and on the other side are able to feel positively about sex again. It could just be hormonal. Who knows?

And looking back on how far you've come, I'm confident that you'll be able to conquer the sleeping "addiction" (for lack of better word). Don't be so hard on yourself--just try. Remember that it takes time for each stage of your healing.

You're so inspiring to me, so beautiful in every way. Thank you for opening your soul to us. :-)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you so much lillibeth. I love you more every time I read something you typed. ;-) This comment was very encouraging, and I so very much appreciate you for taking the time to make it.
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
invisibleglue ══╣tori thedottedlines╠══
*hug*

I'm thinking of you.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you sweetie. *hugs back*
wandrlost ══╣╠══
hm...

i know the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed -- being unable to get out of bed even... oddly, the more you do get up, get active, do things that require energy, the more energy you get in your day to day life.

and opinions are, just that, opinions. they are wonderful for helping you sort things out, but rarely truth. if people ever started taking my opinions for truth, i'd be worried!!!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
the more you do get up, get active, do things that require energy, the more energy you get in your day to day life.

I think that's conditional... but often true.
darkpool ══╣╠══
*hugs* I'm sorry that you're having so much trouble. I wish I had some advice. The only think really I can think of is taking B vitamins for the sleepiness, lack of B's can make you tired and depressed.
thesaj ══╣╠══
Vitamin B6 especially. I found certain varieties of VitaminWater helped my depression greatly as they oftne had tons of B6
belenen ══╣╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
Have you ever been washed clean before... (hang on it will make a little bit more sense). It's just an idea,...so hear it out and you can decide to pursue it or not.


But I think you may need to be washed...in a very symbolic way. I am sure you've showered/bathed and are physically clean. But have you ever been emotionally washed? We are baptised not to clean ourselves in the river Jordan but rather to help our mind make the realization that we've been cleaned on a whole nother level.


My thought is that a symbolic washing might help. In such, you do not wash yourself. But you have 2 or 3 female friends (those who are like sisters or mothers too you spiritually and emotionally) wash you symbolicly (but literally as well so that you feel it). Then take you out. Pat you dry and annoint you with oil, perfume, spices, and rose petals.

The idea is to help your psyche gain understanding by giving it a metaphor it can actually feel, and a point of historic reference that it can look back to and say "yes, from that point forward".

Very much akin to the sacrament of baptism...

Sincerely,
Your brother in Christ,
Jason

belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
that would be wooooooonderful. Too bad my spiritual sisters are all far away, and my spiritual mom would probably be weirded out by the idea. :-\ But maybe someday I can get my sisters together. I will keep it in the back of my mind for sure.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.