March 2017
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honesty/openness about pain vs. complaining
I firmly believe in being open about one's pain. If you are hurting, then the quickest route to healing is to admit your pain, face it, look for the root, and seek out healing. Burying it or minimizing it will only make the healing process more tedious. It bothers me when people say, "I feel like I don't have a right to talk about my pain because others hurt worse." By that logic, only the most hurting person on earth would be allowed to express her/his pain, and no one would ever know who that was -- so everyone would have to deny, minimize, ignore their pain.

Also, one person's pain is simply not comparable to another person's -- even if the situation is exactly the same, it will affect people in different ways because we are all so different. If someone walked up to me and cussed me out, insulting my looks, my intelligence, my morality, it wouldn't wound me deeply, simply because that is not a weak point for me. But if it happened to someone who was extremely sensitive about their looks or intelligence or morality, it would be devastating. The exact same action would inflict far more pain on one person than another. And all situations are that way! We can never never never understand another person fully, because we have not lived their life and we do not have their exact personality, so we can never make assumptions about how painful something may be. No one ever has a right to say, "my pain is greater than yours," or even "so-n-so's pain is greater than yours." Some wounds are by nature more destructive than others, true -- sexual abuse creates more lasting devastation than an insult, for instance -- but that does not invalidate the 'lesser' pain. Both people are deserving of equal sympathy and support. One person may need more than another, but they are worth the same, and neither should ignore her/his own pain to focus on another's. Heal yourself first so that you can see clearly to help others heal.

All of that said, there is a difference between expressing pain and merely complaining -- the difference is that expressing pain deals with a wound, whereas complaining deals with something that is not really hurtful, but instead offensive/irritating. So many times I have been irritated with a customer (where the only thing that was hurt was my pride) and SO tempted to come home and blast her/him in my journal, (and I have yeilded sometimes!) but I really believe that to do so would merely add negativity to negativity. Pain may be negative, but if your goal is healing or growth, pain is also positive. Offense/irritation are never positive, and dwelling on them simply feeds the negativity. It's the difference between picking at a scab (useless and destructive) and getting surgery (painful but productive).


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Comments
I completely agree with that entire entry.
acid_burns jenny / shane help me
Heal yourself first so that you can see clearly to help others heal.

♥ You are my hero.
I completely gree with you, because everyone is an individual in every way.

belenen garrulous
*nods*
eeek, well... it's true.
the whole thing is true.
but.


    "expressing pain deals with a wound, whereas complaining deals with something that is not really hurtful, but instead offensive/irritating. "


    People sometimes need to just shout at some one silently by writing it down in their journal or whatever (it may cause negativity and negativity to add up and form a fume of anguish that will never cease till the next tomorrow!). But what if they can't get it off their chest?
    venting is a way out, and yes, I do it WAY too much for my own good.
    sometimes venting just makes me feel over it when I'm done typing about it.
    I forget about it the next day.
    all ends well in the game of love and war.
    I'm just saying, some people are going to need to vent, even over the not so crucial things. People are going to need to complain.
    but I do agree with your post!

Yeah, I agree with the whole post. The hard thing is actually doing all that stuff. Like, when someone starts complaining about me and pointing out trivial things that I've done, then my first reaction is to do the same thing right back to them. But that leads to a never-ending spiral of negativity, and then both people end up despising one another. (Like me and Anne!)

I think writing complaints down in a journal can be helpful for dispelling negativity, though, 'cause writing something tends to get it out of your system and out of your mind. As long as the person that you're complaining about doesn't read it, then I think it's all right.
belenen analytical
hmm, I partly agree with that. I think it would be helpful to write it down, but I personally feel that keeping it around just keeps the negativity alive. I think it would be positive to make a private entry and then go back later and delete it, but I don't think it's positive to share it with others 'cause then they will tend to support your negative reaction, and also I think it sets a negative chain reaction in action... but that's just my opinion.
Yes, now I think the private journal posting is a good idea for just those reasons. A few days ago, I wrote two letters to real people but I didn't send them. I just kept them in my room, and now I feel relieved of the burden of all those feelings that made me write the letters in the first place. Hopefully I'll throw them out and not send them. One of them wasn't really that hurtful; it was just about how I don't think dissing astrology in a science classroom is a good idea. (One of my classmates had done some lesson to prove whether or not astrology was a 'science.') I don't know if I should send it or not... but I'm thinking I should just leave well enough alone. The other one was to my old friend Shannon, but that one I probably won't send. My negative feelings disappeared (for the moment?) after I finished writing it.
eternitywaiting behind the mask
Yeah, I agree....

For six months out of the year, I am subjected to a lot of shit from the public. I had to call the police four times last season because people were so violently irate. If I just said, "Complaining about this is only negative," and kept it all inside, I would have a mental breakdown. Not everyone can just deal with the negativity in the world, some of us need someone else to hear about it and agree that yeah, that person is a psycho, because it reassures us that we're not horrible like said psycho would have us believe. Venting is essential to me, because I deal with so many awful, awful people. I'd never be able to keep it all inside, because it would eat at me and turn into self-destruction. Venting is essential for my mental health.

Other than that, I do agree with your post, Bel. But you know me, I have to disagree with something or I just wouldn't be me! But I only argue with you because I love you. :-)
belenen analytical
hmm, I partly agree with that. I think it would be helpful to write it down or yell about it alone, but I personally feel that keeping it around just keeps the negativity alive. I think it would be positive to make a private entry and then go back later and delete it, but I don't think it's positive to share it with others 'cause then they will tend to support your negative reaction, and also I think it sets a negative chain reaction in action... but that's just my opinion.

some of us need someone else to hear about it and agree that yeah, that person is a psycho, because it reassures us that we're not horrible like said psycho would have us believe.

Yes, you're right. I think that is a valid need -- it is one that I am training myself out of though, because I don't believe it's constructive. I think it's a coping technique -- a way to rebuild your security -- but it's not something that in-and-of-itself is a positive thing. For me at this point, my only reason to get that reasssurance would be to prop my pride. I am secure enough to dismiss their lies as just that -- it's just difficult.
belenen garrulous
Venting is sometimes positive, but not when you're dumping it on someone else, I don't think. But that's just my opinion.
thank you so much for posting this, luv. during the holiday season, it's becoming harder and harder to remember this (something i've hoped to always live by, though i don't always succeed), once it's mixed with lack of sleep, overworking, school planning, etc.

i love you!
belenen analytical
and I love YOU. I am so delighted to learn that this is something you try to live by (although I tend to think that you have more trouble sharing pain than refraining from sharing complaints, the exact opposite of me).
i agree that i'm a Great Complainer, and it's something i really need to work on. it comes and goes, and i've noticed that it's been making a real resurgeance in my life again. maybe it's the change of the weather? dunno.
belenen eccentric
silly girl, I was saying you have a hard time sharing pain and find it easy not to complain! I was saying I find it easy to share pain and hard not to complain. ;-) So I wasn't saying you're a complainer at all, sillypants.
Oh i love this! you're a blessing to live journal to say the least! i am of the same school. this is why i am doing with my life what i am doing now. most people around me wonder why i am so serious and why i dont lighten up and have a beer every once in a while or why i so intensely self-inspect. although, i do take things to extremes, i am aiming at wholly healing the tremdous wounds life has dealt me so that when the time comes, and i do believe that a very serious time is ocming, i will be healed and ready for battle.

i think i partake in complaining an awful lot more than i should, but i do have control over that, whereas, the pain the i experience...it is beyond me, i can only rely on the grace and hand of Jesus to help me out and i must say, it is grooming great self-patience. patience is probably the very least of my virtues, i have zilch...but dealing with myself to intensely and being so alone as i am now, it simply demands patience thus eventual understanding.

good words, my friend, good words.
belenen shimmering
I am glad that this encouraged you -- it's always such a relief when someone says something you feel as truth but haven't put into words, isn't it?

I like you more with every word I read from you. ;-)
invisibleglue ani little_it_icons
I agree with you. If someone has gone through something similar to what I've been through, I try not to say 'I know what you're going through' because how could I possibly know? Everyone is unique, and we're all going to feel and think and hurt differently.

And I agree that people shouldn't dwell on negativity. I was at work today, and this customer wasn't being very nice to me (I have a lot of rude customers around the Christmas season), and it hurt me because I'm a very sensitive person even though it was something minor. Anyway, at that very moment I made a conscious decision to let it go, because what good would it do for me to dwell on it and ruin my whole day.
belenen strong
Anyway, at that very moment I made a conscious decision to let it go, because what good would it do for me to dwell on it and ruin my whole day.

And that is really a very big deal, though it might not seem like it. Being aware of that and acting on the knowledge is powerful.
I agree.
I like that post. The first and second paragraph make enough sense for me to think through...LOL...and the third paragraph I know already that I agree with completely. :) But you know my nature. I like YOUR nature. Very much. Love, aslan_fan
belenen amused
Re: I agree.
awww, you are so sweet! ;-) I love your nature too, you know.
Sometimes it feels good to get something out even if it is just complaining. I guess that'd be venting then. Oh. I just repeated what someone else said. -_-
belenen garrulous
heh ;-)
PS - i stumbled upon this and thought of you...icon numbers 46-49.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/_hushed_art/3640.html
belenen loving
awwwwwwwwwwwwwww I'm so freaking flattered by that! *hugs you*
nicely said, definitely food for thought.
belenen garrulous
thanks! ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.