November 2017
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deep confusion/stress/pain/worry/hopelessness about marriage/finances/direction


"I am human and I need to be loved" -- that line rings so resoundingly true in my spirit.

I am so confusedconflictedfrustrateddesperate... I broke down today. I'm ashamed of it because I like to be in control and I definitely wasn't. I worked half the day, went home on lunch and had an argument with Ben -- apparently I was too fragile for that because I just could not stop crying, feeling on the verge of vomiting the whole time. I cried all the way to the time clock and finally managed to get myself under control when I went up to the CSM -- who saw my face and asked if I was okay. Of course I said no, and she told me I could leave because it was really slow, so I did (after 30 minutes on gathering trash). And of course I felt terribly guilty because we need the money, but also defiant because Ben had said that he wanted me to go home, so I was going to take him at his word whether he meant it or not. (he probably did, but my guilt told me otherwise)

The bad thing about having your body and soul reconnecting is that all of the soul issues affect your body directly. I have had an upset stomach for weeks, which is horrible for me because I almost NEVER get sick in any way. And every time I start thinking about the strain in my marriage, or the stress of finances, I get nauseated. We recently applied for a loan -- denied, applied for a credit card -- denied. (We're going to try a few more, but...) In the past month we've spent more than $1,000 on the car (a fucking fat sum for us), which we didn't expect to spend. Right now we have like $30 to take us to next Thursday. And we're supposed to pay the phone bill today but that's not going to happen.

And we have no safety net. That was the intention, and several times we have built up some savings but something has always happened... I am so sick of this. We're supposedly getting ahead now (and we'd be comfortably ahead if not for the car, although I suppose we really ought to be grateful that nothing bad happened until we actually had the money to fix it)... but it is hard to see ahead. And while I enjoy working, deep down I resent having to work. I want to be taken care of. There, I said it. I admitted that I'd rather not pull an equal share. That I don't want to support us. I've always had to work for my room and board, ever since I was 6 years old, and I am fucking sick of it. I know I am ridiculously overprivileged to be even partially taken care of, but I want what I want and I'm tired of hiding it. And I'll probably bite your head off if you criticize me for it, so please don't.

And I don't know where I am going, spiritually. I felt sure that I was supposed to be aiming for a trip to Belgium, that it would benefit Hannah and I immensely to be able to spend time with each other in person, but obviously if we can't get the money then I can't go. But I neeeed to go... at least I feel like I do. But how do I know what to do? I have decided to be somewhat pro-active and email all the prayer warriors that I know and ask beg them to pray that I can go, or at least that God would give me clear direction about it, and the means to do whatever he wants me to do.

Hmph. Not a great way to start the year.

BUT -- I have to say that Ben has been trying so hard -- this breakdown was because of smothered previous pain, not anything new really. He's been amazing. There's no one else who would put up with my shit like he does, and try so hard to make me happy.

feelings: nauseated
sounds: t.A.T.u. -- "How Soon Is Now?"
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
lorelei_sakti ══╣Final Fantasy╠══
I wish you could take a break from working, too. It's so hard these days, in this economy. The man is rarely the primary breadwinner anymore. It's so tiring. Not being able to get loans and credit must be extremely frustrating. I can't imagine what you're going through.

Maybe the stress of all this financial mess is affecting your marriage now. Money can do that to relationships, even the best of them.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
I think it has had a significant impact -- but I think it's also because we have just hit that point where the shiny fun has worn off and we have to build our love rather than have it sorta take care of itself. But we're both willing to change, and that is the important thing.
acid_burns ══╣hey you standing in the road╠══
*hugsyou*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugsback*
wandrlost ══╣╠══
yeah... i've been living without a safety net an a large quantity of debt from university for years... and it just keeps me perpetually stressed. funny how money can totally screw us up.

hm...

actually, not funny at all.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I agree, not funny at all!
genesiskenshin ══╣╠══
If you have experience with kids, try to be a nannny, it pays more and less stress.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hmm, that is a good point. Maybe I will look into that again.
paravati ══╣╠══
I'm sorry, hon. I know what that feels like. I was the primary breadwinner for a long time in my previous relationship, and it really sucked for me. I would rather have stayed home and taken care of the house and kids while my man went out and made the money. It was a really hard thing to go out and support everyone solely through my own efforts. It just felt wrong; considering how I had been raised.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that way at all. All you need is a partner who is willing to support you in that way. Is Ben not willing to do that, or can you not survive on his income alone?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Oh, he's totally willing -- and we could scrape by on his income, but it would be very very difficult and we wouldn't be able to save a penny or have even the smallest non-essentials. And oddly, I don't mind working, I just hate NEEDING to work. *shrug* But Ben's considering going into management, which would pay much more, so we'll see how that goes.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
I know how money can cause issues. Hell our income has just been cut in half, heh.. but yeah, maybe finding another job would help ? Even if you don't like the environment as much.. sometimes you've got to give up decent things to have a bit more money, you know? In any case.. I hope you start feeling better soon..
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you. ;-)
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I've always been very aware of my desire to be taken care of. When I've shared this with others I've been criticised and called spoiled or a princess. Yes, I am such a diva that I have paid for all of Ian's immigration expenses and will be paying for our forthcoming wedding. We had a huge argument not that long ago when he said that he paid for more thngs on a monthly basis than I do because he was paying rent for the UK flat and I don't for the Miami house. Apparently he's forgotten all I've paid for over the past year. He is very expensive! I can't afford a wedding but I know I'll regret it if I don't do something nice no matter how small. I just asked him now if he still felt the same about who pays for what and he said no because our expenses will be changing now that immigration is over. Nice way of backpedaling but I can see him trying to get away from that conversation before we have an argument so I'm leaving it alone.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Ugh! I would say that when you get married you should keep separate accounts for a while until he learns how to handle money better -- otherwise you may be stuck paying for stuff that you don't want or need.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
i wish you could vacation out to see me... i want to take care of you!! *sends love, support, and best wishes for everything.* feel free to call me if you can or need to; i tend to be a pretty good listener. *hugs*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *squeeeeezes you* I must meet you someday, I know we'd just adore each other. ;-D Thank you so much. ♥
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
this will happen!! i don't know when, but i'm sure it will. if i should ever find myself in that region of the country, i'll definitely call you up!! hehe *squeezes you back*
invisibleglue ══╣ani up lvlwing╠══
*hug*

You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be taken care of. I think a lot of people feel the same way. And it's nice to hear someone being honest about their true feelings, because that's such an attractive quality.

belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you. *hugs back*
eternitywaiting ══╣cross-shaped scar╠══
As much as I like the idea of finishing college and falling into a career that I'd love, there is nothing in the world I want more than for Robert to make enough money that I'll never have to have a job again. I want to stay at home and become a better artist and do nothing with my time but be fascinated by hobbies that stand no chance of ever making me any money.

I've been working the snowball stand since I was 8 years old. I don't really have a concept of what it's like to go any real length of time without an outside commitment that's of dire importance. Even now, in the six months that I'm off, school is so overwhelming sometimes that I just feel like I'll never really know what it's like to be a stay-at-home. I want that freedom, I want the time to invest in something that I love without having to worry about paying off our debts or working so we can live well. I want to find passion in something, and I just don't find that in the working world.

Basically I laid that all out so you'd know that I understand. Guilt keeps me from just quitting school and work, because I know we can't afford it. But if, say, Robert were to get a big promotion and suddenly make twice as much money....I think I'd seriously considder it. Or maybe just go to school for learning and enjoyment for once, instead of using it as a means to an end. I don't find joy in my everyday life, because I don't have time to invest in the things I love.

I think more than anything, you just want to stop wasting your time on things that don't fullfill you, because you are growing and you get frustrated by roadblocks. Plus, there is something so draining about working since childhood - you grow up and suddenly realize you didn't have all that joyous free time in your youth, so dammit, you should get to make up for it now. It's only fair...but "fair" works out surprisingly rarely, especially when we're trying to be responsible.

Please don't let monetary issues block your spiritual growth. If you have questions of whether or not the visit to Belgium is what's best for you (which you should definately not ignore) then you need to work through them without even dwelling on whether or not the trip is possible. If you come to the conclusion that it's not the best thing for you, then you don't have to worry about the dollars or the credit, and you can let it pass as it's supposed to - in the spiritual sense, in the action and not the payment. If you really, truly feel in your soul, without question, that you are supposed to go, you will. If you really can't find the money, I'll loan it to you. But I'll only do it if you know in your heart it's the right decision, without the glaring eye of money spying in on your choice.

I love you darling, and please remember that no matter how harshly you look at yourself, those who love you are going to be able to realize you're just in pain - we're not going to judge you, so stop judging yourself.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
I adore long comments -- ESPECIALLY by one of my two favorite people in the universe. ;-D

you just want to stop wasting your time on things that don't fullfill you, because you are growing and you get frustrated by roadblocks.

SO true. You understand so perfectly!

And you made me cry by saying that you'd support me going to Belgium, even to the point of lending me the money. You just overwhelmed me with love -- especially since I suspect that you feel a little jealous that I want to spend all this time with Hannah, and that she is so important to me. I know I'd be jealous if I were you -- but you really don't have to be. I used to scorn the idea that you could love people differently, but the same amount (because my parents told me that, and I am still convinced that from them it was bullshit) -- but now I know that you have a place in my heart that no one except Ben has ever set foot in, and no one could ever take your place. EVER. When I meet Hannah and spend a lot of time with her, I am sure that we will grow closer, and she may even find a place in the same garden of my heart that you are in, but there is plenty of room for the both of you. And I really do love you in two very different ways -- you are my soul-twin and she is my spirit-twin, and so I am very like to both of you in totally different ways. To sorta explain, I could imagine myself married to you but not to Hannah.

I really want you to meet Hannah too. I think seeing you interact would just be an amazing learning experience for me -- and I think you'd love each other.

Okay, I got waaaaaaaaaay off-topic, but I meant to say that your support means the world to me, especially since you offered it to the point of self-sacrifice. You are amazingly generous. I love you my Anika! ♥
12thknight ══╣╠══
Bel, I don't know your email - can you text it to me?
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*hugggg* ;-D
smurfb1ue ══╣light .:. smurfb1ue╠══
Can't say anything other than let you know I'm praying for you and Ben.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you -- I know it makes a difference.
shioneh ══╣pale╠══
trip
My dearest belenen, there is much in this entry I want to comment on.. as in the rest of your journal, I have so much commenting to catch up on. I'll comment on the rest of this entry later but first of all- The trip..

How would you feel if I came to visit you in Atlanta? It would be in July (most likely late July) or in August. I have talked to my parents about this and they have said that if I want, they will pay for it as a congratulations present for leaving school. I had this conversation with them earlier, before I even read this post because recently, i've been thinking that it might be better if I came in the summer due to the fact that a) I have exams about a month after Easter and b) Nick has no holidays at all until the end of University so I'll barely be able to see him and if I don't go and see him in Easter, I really think that it could be a strain on us.

Also, It really would be a wonderful wonderful finishing school present from my parents and a real inspiration for me to get the grades I need to go to Glasgow and i'd love to see Atlanta- I've never been to the US before. And maaaaaaybe if she's around (and would like to!) I could meet Alariya also? Which would be fantastic.

Please let me know what your thoughts are..? I'll try to call you soon and we can talk about it but I just wanted to suggest this to you, especially after reading this post.


..I love you to bits. Really really. I am so sorry I've not been around. I've missed you immensly :( I've been too emotionally run down and energyless to make it online or even ask for help or call. I feel submerged right now but I'm fighting my way back to the surface.

*holds you, soothes you*
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Re: trip
I have been thinking about this, and I REALLY want you to come here this year (and hopefully I can visit you next year!) because I really want you to meet Ben and also Anika and Ashley. I think Anika would be able to come down, in fact I feel sure of it. I would LOVE that. ;-D
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
There's nothing wrong with wanting a man to take care of you. I'm sure you take care of your man in different ways... like cooking and cleaning. In no way am I being sarcastic. I'm being serious. I would love to learn how to cook and have friends and family LOVE IT. If I were to get married and become the bread winner while my husband stayed at home with the children, I would be SOOO jealous. He would get more time with the children and to do hobbies.

But anyway, money issues are a big relationship killer. I'm not even in a relationship and having bills to pay stifles my freedom and friendships!! So you, me, and many of us share in this particular frustration. And it sucks!
valynn ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I really appreciate that; your prayers are important to me.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.