October 2017
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more struggles with Ben and I


Ben and I have been struggling -- I think I have mentioned this before, but never in-depth, because that's a big thing to him -- he really really hates the idea of me telling his mistakes to ANYONE, much less on my public journal. And I can understand, and that is a concession I am willing to make, but it's really wearing on me right now. Not because I want to slander him, but because I want to talk about what our relationship has been like, what I feel I have missed out on through my own messed-up self and otherwise. I feel like such a terrible, horrid, useless, lousy wife, and I want someone who knows what I've done (and not done) to tell me that it isn't true -- someone besides Ben. I can't believe that he's telling the truth, because I feel like he'd act differently if I was really a good wife.

Whenever I think about it I want to beat myself up -- I want to step outside of my body in another form and just pummel myself. I used to be a very violent person, and I thought I had completely gotten rid of those urges, but I feel them so often now. I shoved Ben last night. I've never done anything like that to him and never thought I would. I don't know what is wrong with me.

feelings: crushed
connecting: , ,

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Comments
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nicker ══╣Y-Y kitties - iconorageous╠══
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. At one point in my life I found it absolutely necessary to have a sympathetic audience to work out some of my personal issues. I created a filter of folks that I trusted to be objective and discreet. Perhaps if you explained that to Ben he'd have a better understanding that you're not trying to promote negativity, you're just trying to work things out.


All the best to you
belenen ══╣strong╠══
Thank you -- actually, after I had posted this he suggested something like that (I don't know whether he read your comment or not). I may take him up on it, I'm not sure. Right now I'm feeling a bit more secure in myself, and focusing less on my 'failings', so I don't feel such a need to do that.
beautymess ══╣╠══
Most church pastors/ministers will provide free marital counseling. Perhaps the two of you could look into it.

Talking with friends about it can help sometimes, but unfortunately, your friends will tend to side with you, and his friends will tend to side with him, which really doesn't help the situation much. You need to speak with someone who is on both sides or someone who won't take sides at all (impartial).

We only get your side here. Maybe if we got Ben's thoughts and feelings on the issues that would help your friends to be more objective... I don't know.

Either way, you are both good and loving people, and I think your marriage is worth the effort to make it work. I hope you, with God's help, can find your way through these struggles. I'm praying for you.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
heh. I don't really want objective opinions. I freely admit that all I want is for people whom I trust to love me to look at all my failings and tell me that I am not a lousy wife.

Because honestly, I have worked really hard, and I think my true self knows that I am not a shitty wife. It's just that my heart and my mind have different definitions of a 'good wife.'
beautymess ══╣╠══
beautymess ══╣╠══
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
Oh, hon. *hugs* Keep in mind that you don't have to be perfect. It's okay to mess up.

I'm sorry you're having such struggles with Ben. Maybe you can find some way to diffuse your anger when you want to be violent with him or yourself--whether it's the old "count to ten trick" or whatever. I think you did the right thing last week when Anika was in town and you were struggling with self-worth and you just went and took a drive. Get moving when you're angry with yourself.

I love you.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
♥ Thank you Lillibeth. You have such a beautiful way of comforting.
gyrlcentric ══╣╠══
perhaps taking another perspective would help
"There is a criterion by which you can judge whether the thoughts you are thinking and the things you are doing are right for you. The criterion is: Have they brought you inner peace? If they have not, there is something wrong with them -- so keep seeking! If what you do has brought you inner peace, stay with what you believe is right."
-- Peace Pilgrim.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Re: perhaps taking another perspective would help
A very wise thought, thank you for sharing. ♥
sunshinepill ══╣╠══
We are never nearly as horrible as we think we are. In fact, usually... the worse you think you're, the more likely that it isn't true. It's hard to believe something against what you feel though... and I get that.

As for parts of your old self coming back... I think that's to be expected. Change is slow and no matter how much you do change, some things don't go away. I don't think this is necessarily bad. You're not perfect and that's fine and I think that it's moments like that that can remind you of that.

*hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══


Thank you. *loves*
kouhaataru ══╣╠══
Well... about what your husband feels about you talking about him I can say nothing though it seems a little unusual to me.

About your violence though I can say this: a person's true character never really changes. You can compromise and cope and change yourself so much otherwise that generally that's a moot point but... Repressing a part of yourself isn't the answer to a problem it's just creating another problem. All that really happens when you repress any part of yourself is that it eventually explodes when you get really frustrated (as evidenced by you shoving your husband).

Consequently, about violence in particular my philosophy is that it's inevitable, a part of life. Really violence is more of a social term for force but that's another matter... As far as psychology goes there are two views (other than repression which any good/real counsellor shouldn't reccomend), diversion and expression. That is, either you tyr to divert your energy into something more positive or at least acceptable. Or when you feel like being violent be violent, just pick a non-animate target.

Personally, when I get pissed off I feel like hitting or destroying things and most of the time I do. Then it's out of my system and I usually hit something so hard (punching a hole through my door etc.) that my hand hurts and that helps cool (though not necessarilly calm) me down. Not to mention that I can see that nothing positive comes out of my violence and so it helps me to kind of give pause before being violent the next time. As the years have gone by I'd say that my temper and violence are much better than they used to be but I will always be a guy who CAN explode (though I generally do less than others it's worse when I actually do) and I will always be a violent person. I've just learned to accept that about myself and try to deal with it in a way that it doesn't really effect things/others much.

There are a lot of psychological things tied up in that though and it's probably not a good solution for most people. To deal with violence otherwise I would reccomend meditation and active relaxation techniques (yoga, stretching etc.), if you can keep your calm more often you'll be violent less often. But I don't know... meditation and relaxation and being calm is certainly good but I don't feel like a person should dehumanize themselves. Passion and desire and violence, even sins, are just such human things that I have no desire to live without them. Really it just depends on your own morals and the social consequences of your actions. I feel like I'm a good person and I'm at peace with god and I don't hurt other people, so if I get pissed off and I want to hit something I don't see anything wrong with that. If I got pissed off and hit someone else though, that would not be okay.

Well I think I'm losing focus there so just remember that all is by the grace of god, we are free because god wants us to be free. So since not even god wants to restrain us the only one that has the right to do so is oneself. And the only reason to do so is if you feel that something you're doing or want to do or whatever is wrong. Not because other people think it's wrong, or you're worried about others judging you (after all what right do they have if not even god wants to judge us but loves us in spite of ourselves?), but because you have judged yourself and you think it's wrong.

Something like that. Consequently, it's hard for me to imagine you being a bad wife since you're such a good person but you do have a lot of issues which you're trying to work through so of course things will be... strained and/or awkward sometimes. That however is just what it means to be human, and compromise and change are the prices of love.

Anyway, good luck and god bless (I've been a lot more spiritual lately in case it wasn't apparent, I'm still not a fan of religion though).
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Consequently, it's hard for me to imagine you being a bad wife since you're such a good person but you do have a lot of issues which you're trying to work through so of course things will be... strained and/or awkward sometimes. That however is just what it means to be human, and compromise and change are the prices of love.

Thank you so much for that, it was so encouraging. Just what I needed to read. ♥
darkpool ══╣╠══
I would second the above about maybe creating a private filter for that. Have you talked with your pastor or someone else at your church?
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
Ah, I have not... for whatever reason, now does not seem to be the right time for counseling (and I'm not just saying that because I am scared, heh, you know how pro-counseling I am). I feel like this is a time for us to practice working stuff out without a mediator.
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I struggle with anger myself, and more often than not I express my anger around those I love rather than the random people who actually make me angry. Sometimes when I find myself getting so angry I realize it and stop myself. Sometimes you just need to get it out though. I'm sending some positive thoughts your way!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you, I so very much appreciate that. And I got your postcard -- it's GORGEOUS, thank you!!!
tremontidood ══╣╠══
Sometimes the best way to clear your mind IS to tell someone. Livejournal is best because you can write your toughts, and if people give you suggestions or whatever, you can filter them in or out. As for this, I dont know what went on to make you shove him, but remember: Dont dweel on the past....you wont have a future if you do. <333
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
Thank you, and you make a good point. I need to try to focus more on the future.
frenetik ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣semi aitiaidi colour roc╠══
I know you love me more than anyone -- damn, the shit you have put up with.

I love you so much, my Dragon. *amazement* You awe me.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
CaLLL MeE if you need to: i can listen vurry well

EmAiL MeE if you don't have my number

<3 u
belenen ══╣oneness╠══
*kissykissy* I'm not much of a phone person, but one of these days I'm gonna break the ice and call you! I love you for offering. ♥
darkpool ══╣╠══
I'd also say that although I realize this may not be possible for you at this time, Martial arts classes are a great way to get out aggressive engry and learn to control it properly.
frenetik ══╣╠══
darkpool ══╣╠══
frenetik ══╣╠══
darkpool ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
girlblue_77 ══╣╠══
Remember, marriage is about loving someone no matter what, and forgiving them for making mistakes. I've shoved my boyfriend before, and said heartless and cruel things, and he has said horrible things as well. But, you forgive, and move on, and focus on the good things. He's known you long enough to know that was out of character. We all hit our lows, and, weird as it sounds, when this is all over, you'll know he has seen you at your worst, and stuck by you through it all. It will make you a stronger couple in the end - hard times always bring people closer.
belenen ══╣oneness╠══
We all hit our lows, and, weird as it sounds, when this is all over, you'll know he has seen you at your worst, and stuck by you through it all. It will make you a stronger couple in the end - hard times always bring people closer.

That is so true. Thank you for the support and the encouraging reminder. ;-) Thank you for always being so kind to me! ♥
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
*prayers*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. ♥
juansrx ══╣*ash1╠══
Only God can tell you th Truth, but try to "scan" through other opinions, take what's good, throw away what's not.

You can´t evade having some trouble with people you love, in fact, when you love somebody you fight with him/her/it, but the secret is not let the matter in that way for much time, it´s better to speak and solve the problem as soon as possible(remember Jesus words).

The real love stands everything, believes everything and suffers everything without dying.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you for those wise words.
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.