September 2017
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stream-of-consciousness about soulfriends


stream-of-consciousness, skip if you dislike being confused.

WHY? why can't I just let go and stop expecting all this stuff from everyone. I don't know what the fuck I want, I really don't understand -- angryangry angry ANGRY want to get rid of these feelings want to kill mangle destroy everyone who touches MINE dammit MINE why why why why why I want to be FREE why do I think I need to have someone help me be free why can't I just BE, all by my lonelylonelylonely self I want freedom I want fury I want LIFE and I want not to need her.

I think I find her and I lose her, every time. Who is this that I am in love with? I have never met her, never known her, I look for her, for myself, in everyone I meet, I think I find her and I lose lose lose I can never ever keep or win... where? I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. When am I really going to find you? Please can't I just trust? You don't understand, not really, I make no sense and I am TOO MUCH, too strong too powerful too demanding too loving too EMOTIONAL, I spill emotions everywhere and you hate being splashed, don't you don't you? Admit it! I NEED this unknown thing-person-energy. If I am my true self it's scary, it's terrifying, like fireworks people like it from a distance but up close it's deafening, dangerous, destructive. I am more than I let myself be. I need to stop caring, stop worrying, just BE my ridiculously 'over-'expressive, 'over-'sensitive, demanding selfish wicked draining self. No apologies, I want I demand to know, be honest or get out. I don't need you if you aren't what I demand, don't like my selfishness, oh well. I can give give give and I'd love to, but I need some back or I will die and that is all there is. I have a drive to give but my drive to live is stronger, I am not a bottomless well, I am a mere vessel, and if I ever completely empty I die.

I don't care any more. I shall be HONEST, I shall be demanding and selfish as well as giving and nourishing. Perhaps I shall grow out of it but denying it only makes me look better as I suffer more. And who cares if I look better? What does that matter as I die of thirst?

I want to share myself, I want to pour unhesitatingly into HER -- when will I find her? My soul is SCREAMING and will not be quiet. I have had a taste of life and I can't go back. I have swallowed enough sand in my life... I have had enough of the desert. Bring me cool rushing sweet pure water. I have had enough of salty tears. This desire will not end! It will not be soothed by vinegar and salt. Don't lie to me, don't offer me a taste and snatch it back. I misunderstood, I was stupid, I was naive -- and I still am, I'm sure, I know I will fall just as easily next time because this burning passion leaves no room for logic or reason or sense. Not another loss, how can I bear this?

Don't leave me, it's too late, don't leave me. please? Please want me? Please think I'm worth all this suffering effort work trouble? Why do I have to be so fucked up I'm sorry I'm sorry I want to go home. I want to go HOME please? I'll never be satisfied here I don't belong here why am I here?

Even this pain is better than the ache of not knowing any possibilities. A failed possibility is still a possibility. One day, I have to believe that one day a possibility will be real... Was I just a temporary fix? Better than nothing, can't take away what has already been. False doesn't matter, I believed it was real and that makes it real.

lonely I miss you why couldn't you be her, give? my heart has left me and says she won't be back. What is she looking for? I wish I could find it and tempt her to return.

If you pass me by
It's such a shame, shame, shame
sounds: PJ Harvey: "Shame"
connecting: ,


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Comments
wallbrat ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
wallbrat ══╣╠══
acid_burns ══╣andrea corr / lonely light of morning╠══
belenen ══╣loving╠══
camilleyun ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣connate╠══
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣loving╠══
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.