December 2017
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stream-of-consciousness about soulfriends


stream-of-consciousness, skip if you dislike being confused.

WHY? why can't I just let go and stop expecting all this stuff from everyone. I don't know what the fuck I want, I really don't understand -- angryangry angry ANGRY want to get rid of these feelings want to kill mangle destroy everyone who touches MINE dammit MINE why why why why why I want to be FREE why do I think I need to have someone help me be free why can't I just BE, all by my lonelylonelylonely self I want freedom I want fury I want LIFE and I want not to need her.

I think I find her and I lose her, every time. Who is this that I am in love with? I have never met her, never known her, I look for her, for myself, in everyone I meet, I think I find her and I lose lose lose I can never ever keep or win... where? I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE. When am I really going to find you? Please can't I just trust? You don't understand, not really, I make no sense and I am TOO MUCH, too strong too powerful too demanding too loving too EMOTIONAL, I spill emotions everywhere and you hate being splashed, don't you don't you? Admit it! I NEED this unknown thing-person-energy. If I am my true self it's scary, it's terrifying, like fireworks people like it from a distance but up close it's deafening, dangerous, destructive. I am more than I let myself be. I need to stop caring, stop worrying, just BE my ridiculously 'over-'expressive, 'over-'sensitive, demanding selfish wicked draining self. No apologies, I want I demand to know, be honest or get out. I don't need you if you aren't what I demand, don't like my selfishness, oh well. I can give give give and I'd love to, but I need some back or I will die and that is all there is. I have a drive to give but my drive to live is stronger, I am not a bottomless well, I am a mere vessel, and if I ever completely empty I die.

I don't care any more. I shall be HONEST, I shall be demanding and selfish as well as giving and nourishing. Perhaps I shall grow out of it but denying it only makes me look better as I suffer more. And who cares if I look better? What does that matter as I die of thirst?

I want to share myself, I want to pour unhesitatingly into HER -- when will I find her? My soul is SCREAMING and will not be quiet. I have had a taste of life and I can't go back. I have swallowed enough sand in my life... I have had enough of the desert. Bring me cool rushing sweet pure water. I have had enough of salty tears. This desire will not end! It will not be soothed by vinegar and salt. Don't lie to me, don't offer me a taste and snatch it back. I misunderstood, I was stupid, I was naive -- and I still am, I'm sure, I know I will fall just as easily next time because this burning passion leaves no room for logic or reason or sense. Not another loss, how can I bear this?

Don't leave me, it's too late, don't leave me. please? Please want me? Please think I'm worth all this suffering effort work trouble? Why do I have to be so fucked up I'm sorry I'm sorry I want to go home. I want to go HOME please? I'll never be satisfied here I don't belong here why am I here?

Even this pain is better than the ache of not knowing any possibilities. A failed possibility is still a possibility. One day, I have to believe that one day a possibility will be real... Was I just a temporary fix? Better than nothing, can't take away what has already been. False doesn't matter, I believed it was real and that makes it real.

lonely I miss you why couldn't you be her, give? my heart has left me and says she won't be back. What is she looking for? I wish I could find it and tempt her to return.

If you pass me by
It's such a shame, shame, shame

sounds: PJ Harvey: "Shame"
connecting: ,

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Comments
wallbrat ══╣╠══
Nope. I read everything that I can see. *hugs her* It does not matter if I don't understand it, hon. Just that I read and support you.

Kind of goes back to that being stuck with me thing. *smiles*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. You're such a good friend. ;-)
wallbrat ══╣╠══
I try. I've also been told that I'm very trying but let us not go there.

*impish grin*
acid_burns ══╣andrea corr / lonely light of morning╠══
But there was all that madness in the way.
... well you've done enough to prove us all
won't let them get you down
but now I think the moment's here
to show yourself your weaknesses
I see you figured out by now
this ain't the way that things go...


belenen ══╣loving╠══
Re: But there was all that madness in the way.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
This entry makes a lot of sense to me.

You are so not a selfish person. AT ALL.

I know I am always looking for something in myself and others. At times I feel these strange connections to people for reasons I can't even identify. Just something that draws me to this person or that. I think it's something that comes from being intense and passionate. Other times I hear people rave about someone and while I don't dislike them or anything like that, I don't understand the appeal or see what the big deal is why a group of people may think a certain person is so great and all that. I see things like that and wonder what is would be like to be that person that is thought of as so great and all that but then I remember who I am and that I probably wouldn't like that and it would make me very uncomfortable. It's hard to explain but many times there are things I wonder about but not really think that I want but wish I knew what it felt like even though I'm almost sure I wouldn't like it but I's prefer a reference point to know for sure. Maybe I think I won't like it because I don't think I could get it and I feel it's out of my reach or maybe it's just not my thing to begin with. Who knows? I wish I had certain types of relationships with some people but am not sure how to get them.

And in other completely unrelated news but I'm plopping it in here because I just remembered...I so thought of you the other day when I saw this and wanted to report it: I was walking past a LivingWell Lady fitness center and when I looked into the window I saw a framed poster of Marilyn Monroe. I thought that was so awesome that a fitness center would have that because she was curvy and beautiful but by today's standards she would be considered fat. I've gained so much weight I had to get a new wedding dress. I really can't be bothered to worry about diets and lose weight right now with all that's going on.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
I completely understand and totally relate with the long paragraph there. Wow. It feels so awesome to be understood. ;-)

And awwwwwwww I am so flattered that you saw that Marilyn poster and thought of me. ;-)
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
We sometimes don`t understand the world around us, and we don`t undersatnd either the world inside us.

Being honest is the best way to "pop-out", everything you want to "pop-up", If you want to talk to anybody you do it, because it's what I want to do, If I want to scream I do it because I fell that way.

Asking for the right of having time for yourself is not being selfish, It's something fair, you cannot be a bunch of smiles every day, you have the right to feel, the Creator made you with feelings, make use of them, but If you want an advice, there are "ways" and "ways", If you believe in Jesus, remember that he is the road to God, and Jesus left to his sons the keys for facing this world.

Another not requested advice, putting me on the middle of the crosshair:
You know what is now, but what it will be later?, feelings may pass, like the passion, but things like True Love stands forever.

Look around, you may find lots of people If you want help, ask it, Im sure that you have around lots of people who loves you, and want the best for you.

I will NOT judge you, but my advice is: speak with someone you trust on about this, so, you will take out everything.

I hope this can be of help for you , but if it isn't, I will try harder next time.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Thank you, that was very helpful to me. *reflects* I have much to ponder...
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
Good job. I think you were honest. That takes a lot.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you. ♥
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
it mostly makes sense.

want a cookie? they're macadamia nut... :-)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Aww, you made me smile. ;-) Thank you for that.
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
aww, shucks. :-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.