November 2017
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anika / soulfriendship / kaylene / waiting, yearning still


Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.


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Comments
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs tightly* I am really sorry, Bel. Just reading this i can tell how broken hearted you are. I pray you find your soulfriend.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you ♥
scream_baby ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
Yes, exactly. It's pain, but comfort just knowing that you HAD the connection. I hope for you too. ♥
acid_burns ══╣charlize theron / lonely and so untrue╠══
belenen ══╣connate╠══
a picture is worth a thousand words... ♥
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I hope that you can find your true soulfriend and find some inner peace about all of this. I'm glad that Ben has been supportive lately too.

I hope you dont mind me asking, but what is a soulfriend? I have honestly never heard of it before reading about it in your journal.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
A 'soulfriend' is... well, it's long and complicated to explain, but I do plan to post about it soon and explain. It's a very committed, close friendship, like a marriage without sex or financial connection.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
*hugs*

I really have nothing useful to say but I wanted to let you know that I am here and I am reading.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
Thank you Anna, that means a lot. With this sort of post especially, that kind of comment is very encouraging. ♥
invisibleglue ══╣ani light para_digm╠══
I will be praying for you.

And I would love to speak to you on the phone sometime. Have you got my number? If you will e-mail me your phone number, I'll try and give you a call sometime this week. My e-mail is kittyinthetree@aol.com

And all those brilliant qualities that you listed about Anika, well you have them too!

belenen ══╣loving╠══
aww. ;-) Thank you Nisha!
girlblue_77 ══╣╠══
Wow, I really feel for you. My heart goes out to you, and I so wish I could help somehow.

My sister is going through something similar with the sex issue. She has found the man of her dreams, truly she has. She is a very unique person, and I never though she would find someone who really matched her, but she has, and she is so so happy with him. But, she has no desire to have sex, ever, possibly somewhat because of body insecurities. And she feels so guilty and inadequate, and she actually sort of told him at one point that he should leave her, because she can't provide that for him. And it breaks my heart because I've always wanted to see her happy. And the hardest part is that I, who do my best to give heartfelt advice whenever I can, don't know what the solution is. But, I'm thinking about it...I really want to fix this for her, and if I come up with any good advice, I will let you know too...

As for the Anika thing, as odd as it sounds, I wonder if it's sort of a fear of commitment. Maybe she thinks of being a soulfriend as something that requires so much of a dedication to you, and a commitment to you, that she's just not ready for it. Has she always wanted a soulfriend? Personally, I'm realizing that I'm weird about friendships. As desperately as I long for a soulfriend of my own, I'm also horribly picky. I keep new friends at arms length, and when someone shows me that they do not fit the mold of the soulfriend I've always dreamed of, they stay at arm's length indefinitely. I guess I want a soulfriend so badly that I don't want to open myself up for anyone else. I just don't feel like I can trust people. If someone asked me to be their soulfriend, I'd immediately get scared because I'm so used to keeping people at arm's length, and refusing to let them get to attached to me so I can always make a quick exit out of their lives if I decide to. So, if I wasn't quite ready, I'd probably freak out and want to slow things down a bit until I decided I was ready. Maybe you and Anika ARE soulfriends and WILL be soulfriends, but she just takes longer to make that sort of commitment?

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
As for the Anika thing, as odd as it sounds, I wonder if it's sort of a fear of commitment. Maybe she thinks of being a soulfriend as something that requires so much of a dedication to you, and a commitment to you, that she's just not ready for it.

I think you hit the nail on the head there! Thanks for taking the time to write that, it actually helped me to understand her more...
boobearsguppie ══╣╠══
May I please ask you what a soulfriend is to you? I can feel(not neccesarily describe) what a soulfriend is to me (as it is different to each individual) I am just curious about your views and beliefs. ~~Ashley
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
A 'soulfriend' is... well, it's long and complicated to explain, but I do plan to post about it soon and explain. The short answer is that it's a very committed, close friendship, like a marriage without sex or financial connection.
shioneh ══╣copper╠══
Bel, I'm so sorry. For reasons I've explained in my journal, I haven't been around or commenting a lot but I've been reading your entries and been very worried about you. As someone commented above said, your heartbreak is so obvious from your words and I would really love to support you right now, ..if you'll let me. Even though I could feel your sadness so vividly through this entry, I also felt relieved because you are openning up and sharing finally and I know that will help you.

I am able to relate to your issues regarding sex. I have been plagued my whole life with nightmares and disturbing thoughts about sexual abuse, despite never having been through the horror of it myself. I have never understood why I have this deep pain about sexual abuse but it makes sex very difficult for me. I find it difficult to be fully 'there' during sex, i tend to dissociate and think negative thoughts about abuse. Now, thanks largely to support from you and others, I am fighting this and trying not to use sex to hurt myself and to enjoy sex. It's slow, but, I'm making progress.

I want you to know that you are NOT in fault for these issues you have with sex, that you are NOT a bad wife and I am sure Ben does not blame you for your lack of desire. Ben so obviously loves you and wants you to grow and I am sure that he is delighted with all the growth you have already made since you got married. Try to heal Bel, but for yourself.. not out of a sense of guilt or your healing will not be complete. I never thought it could be.. but I know now, from a few experiences I've had of sex unspoiled by painful thoughts and images that sex can be so special and I have faith, that in time, you'll find this too.

I have more to say regarding souldfriends but I'll say it in another comment because this one is getting long.


belenen ══╣progressing╠══
I have been plagued my whole life with nightmares and disturbing thoughts about sexual abuse, despite never having been through the horror of it myself.

That sounds like an oxymoron... I think, scary as it may be, that it's much more likely that you HAVE experienced something similar, probably not exactly what you dream of, but your subconscious is tired of hiding it and lets it out in your dreams. Many victims completely repress the memories and don't know anything about them until much later, when something happens to bring them up. It's a coping method that your mind does.

I'm glad you are in the process of making sex into something positive for you. I keep working toward that... it just seems that as soon as I make progress I lose it, and it's very frustrating and exhausting.

Try to heal Bel, but for yourself.. not out of a sense of guilt or your healing will not be complete.

That is so true, I FEEL the truth in it, I feel that if I could just stop feeling guilty I could make so much progress... So I'm working on that. *sigh*
shioneh ══╣colourful dragonfly╠══
With regards to Anika and soulfriends, I am finding it difficult to formulate my thoughts. I think I need to understand better, first, what a soulfriend entails for you. I can tell though that finding your soulfriend is something that means the world to you and I wish so much that I could releave some of the pain you feel about Anika.

I agree with girlblue77 when she said that perhaps Anika worries about the dedication a soulfriend entails, though I don't know the situation in details and I may be wrong. I know Anika loves you to bits and would not want to disappoint you in any way. Maybe she is worried that at the moment, she cannot give you everything she would want to give you as a soulfriend and therefore is uncomfortable about the title. All relationships need work and attention to grow and help both people involved flourish. Your connection with Anika is deep and beautiful and definitely worth effort and energy. My person thought is that you should both put as much into the relationship as you can and continue trying to help each other grow. Whether you use the word 'soulfriend' to describe each other or not, I do not think that the love you share is not changed? I'm not sure if you agree. I believe that when we start trying to define our relationships with people, a new element emerges: commitment. A commitment that was never there before the relationship had a name. Perhaps, at this time, Anika isn't ready for that commitment. I do not believe that that removes any of the beauty and specialness from your relationship but rather just shows that Anika is emotionally not ready enough for commitment.

I hope none of what i wrote above offends you because I know you're in a bad place right now and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you. I am so glad you are reaching out and I am so glad you have no lost faith in soulfriends.

Belenen, you are beautiful in ever way. And I am here for you even if you don't see me.. Hold on.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
I plan to make a post with my updated beliefs about soulfriendship... I think the last time I made the post was a full year ago, I have learned so much since then.

I believe that when we start trying to define our relationships with people, a new element emerges: commitment.

Exactly -- soulfriendship requires commitment, a LOT of commitment. I don't know why, but I seem to have a gift for being able to commit, heh, it's very easy for me. I wish it was easy for those I want to commit to. :-(

Thank you so much for these two long lovely comments. I LOVE comments from you. ;-)
darkpool ══╣╠══
I thought that was what was bothering you. I hope you find someone who can be that to you someday.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you ♥
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
I hope you find the soulfriend you search for, but know that it will not necessarily bring you true happiness.

With Anika... very very rarely are people ever on the same page in any relationship. One is usually more up than the other, then it reverses, and so on. If she is willing to be your friend then just treasure that until she feels she is ready for soulfrienship. You quite obviously love and respect her greatly.

Regardless of if what happens, you are a beautiful person and deserve to be loved and love yourself too. I know your feelings have been hurt, but all the answers are inside of YOU and no one else!

I'm here if you need me. Just ask and I'll be there.

*hugs*
I hope things get better for you, sweetie. I really do.
belenen ══╣console╠══
Thank you so much. *hugs back*
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
random-ish thought
I think yearning for something and not getting it is a necessary thing. people are somehow not truly 'complete' without wanting something that's beyond the horizon. don't you think? I dunno if that makes sense.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get what you want here - it was just a thought I had about longing in general.

I'm curious now - I should post a question asking what everybody LONGS for. that thing that they want so bad but it's just out of reach.

hmm...

I'm rambling. bedtime. :-)
belenen ══╣curious╠══
Re: random-ish thought
I'm curious now - I should post a question asking what everybody LONGS for. that thing that they want so bad but it's just out of reach.

Yes you should. ;-)
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
Re: random-ish thought
hmm... maybe I should...
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.