August 2017
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worried about abdominal pain / going to the ER / western medicine


I got two LOVELY packages in the mail from valynn and darkpool, but I feel too yucky to express my delight right now. I am delighted, but it's buried under other stuff.

[possibly triggering for people who are squeamish about hospitals] I went to the emergency room today, because I have had a constant pain in my lower abdomen for about a week now (mild for the first half, and sharp since Wednesday), with no known cause. After driving two places, peeing in two cups, getting stuck by needles twice (once in my elbow, where she had to dig and dig before she found the vein, just like all other times), drinking acidic crap to outline my GI tract, having a quick and shocking pelvic exam (I didn't know what to expect, since it was my first), getting iodine pumped into me for the CAT scan (which I was oddly freaked out by, dunno why, but I had to keep my eyes closed and carefully regulate my breathing) and then discovering that I am allergic to iodine! by breaking out and having my head itch like CRAZY, then getting about 7 syringes pumped into me to cure the allergic reaction (which HURT because the initial vein was upset about the iodine and didn't want anything else coming through)...

They told me they don't know what my problem is. At least I know it isn't a tubal pregnancy or appendicitis (both of which kinda scared me), but my mom's family almost ALL had some form of cancer in their lives, so I am still worried. I have to set up an appointment to go see the ob/gyn (which is less intimidating, now that I know that the pelvic exam doesn't hurt, it's just uncomfortable).

And I HATE that we spent *counts* EIGHT HOURS just to discover nothing. And despite reading it all over and over, I can't figure out how my health insurance works and I am afraid of the possible costs. Aren't CAT scans expensive? eeesh.

And my lower belly still hurts all the time, especially when I sit. Which sucks because I want to take photos of it for the 'favorite body part' theme, but I can't love it while it is snarling and tearing at my innards. And I am so pale that I look yellow instead of pink (I have thin pale skin and always look flushed), scary. And since I am almost never sick, this is rather traumatic for me.

And there was an old lady across from me at the hospital who was screaming and crying out for help -- it made me cry, especially when she asked Jesus to please take her. I know how that feels. (and then the nurse walked by and laughed. possibly at someone behind me but... she didn't seem very sympathetic toward her, saying sarcastically to another nurse, "Don't you just love nursing home patients?"). I felt SO terribly guilty for not going and just standing next to the old lady and telling her it would be alright, like I really wanted to do... but I was stuck because I am just not that bold yet, and I was afraid that either I would make her worse, or get reprimanded by the hospital staff, or both -- and my tummy hurt and I didn't want to move. But I couldn't help thinking how I would feel if I was old, alone, hurting, and stuck in a bed in an uncaring hospital after being transferred from a nursing home where they left me as I had fallen on the floor until the paramedics came. (I overheard the 'unsympathetic' nurse explaining why she thought the old lady was so terrified -- it made me like her a little better. I think she was just being cranky earlier) So I did the little I felt I could -- I prayed and prayed for the old lady. Finally her son and daughter-in-law showed up, and they held her hands and comforted her for a while.

All of this makes me hate western medicine. Who is the idiot that came up with the idea that the best environment for healing is a sterile, loveless, professionally distant environment? My babies are NOT going to be born in a hospital -- I don't care if Ben has to take a midwifery course. They aren't going to be torn from soft, dark, comforting warmth to cold, harsh, bright sterility, separated from me, and weighed like a piece of meat in their very first moments. It's not like their stats are going to change that much in a few hours, damn! If I can, I will do the water birth -- if not, I will at least do a home birth.
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.