September 2017
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dream (talk with Adrienne at Jeremy Camp concert) / thoughts on Adrienne


Last night I dreamt about Adrienne for the first time in a long, long time... I haven't even thought about her in so long. She's left the band, gotten married, had a baby and has another on the way right now... so much has changed... but O my God, she is working on an album, I am waiting with fearful anticipation. Please don't have changed your style, Adrienne. No one can sing-scream like you, no one can pour so much passion into words, so much LIFE into sound...

I dreamt that somehow I was at a Jeremy Camp concert (her husband) and I saw Adrienne just sitting off to the side by herself, so I went and sat next to her and asked how she had been doing. She smiled vaguely and said, "oh, fine," and I responded, "Well, if I may pry, really how have you been?" and she started just telling me all about her life. I listened, just because I felt like that was what she needed, and then when Jeremy had finished the concert and walked over I got up to leave. But he encouraged me to stay, asked me to come to dinner with them if I didn't have anything else planned. I think I agreed. All I can remember clearly is her face -- the raw openness in it, something I never saw when I met her the other times.

It was so odd because I wasn't intimidated by her, wasn't fascinated with her, wasn't even very excited -- I just responded to a need I saw.

Adrienne was the lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate (now broken up). I used to write her letters and (since TBG never got huge -- just when they started to get big they broke up) talk with her at concerts... She's an amazing person. I wanted to be friends with her, but understood that that would probably never happen, so I just gave without expecting anything in return... I made her a jewelry set and sent it to her (she loved it, she said). I never really got closure on that, and I think a part of me still wants to reach out to her, but I no longer have her address, and I feel somewhat embarrassed for giving so much (afraid that she thinks I'm some obsessed fangirl, you know). Maybe I will go to a Jeremy Camp concert... and you can bet your ass, when she gets her solo album out I'm buying it and if she tours I am SO going to see her. I actually miss her. I wonder what she's like now...

And every time I think about the last show, I get frustrated, because when she asked me to wait around after the show, I think I misunderstood how long she meant me to wait (she was surprised when I said I was leaving), and I could have had a real conversation with her, not a hurried/nervous one in front of others... but ugh I was so emotional, with TBG being OVER and having gotten so little sleep and all... I think that is my one regret. Most things I can appreciate what I learned from my mistake -- that one I feel like I just stupidly missed an incredible opportunity.
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thesaj ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣musical╠══
thesaj ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.