November 2017
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paradoxically doing well / stress


I've been doing so well, outwardly; I've been sleeping 6-8 hours a night and getting up with no problem(!!!), being full of energy at work, wearing makeup (which I used to do when I felt down, to give myself an ego boost, but now I wear it when I feel good and want to decorate myself), drinking enough water... stuff I do when I'm happy. But I'm not happy, which makes it all so very strange. Where is this energy coming from? Maybe I'm just stronger now and can bear my sorrow without it sucking all my energy... or maybe someone(s) is(are) praying very faithfully for me. Whatever it is, I am grateful for it, because lack of energy is so frustrating. And my loneliness is easier to bear when I have some energy.

I'm not at full energy, obviously, which is why I haven't been posting/commenting for the past few days -- my creativity is the first thing to go when I'm on diminished energy... I miss my friends so much, and now Anika can't come down in March, and Hannah's August visit seems SO FAR AWAY... I feel like I am just existing from visit to visit, and only LIVING when I have a realfriend around. I used to have a daily-contact-is-essential kind of friendship and I want that again. BAH. If I seem obsessive on that lately, it's because I AM -- I can hardly think about anything else. Hannah's visit is all that I daydream about. And maybe I'm doing it to escape the financial stress we're under... the car has needed ALL of our extra money for the past... four or five months. I didn't even get to spend most of my birthday money because we simply couldn't spare it. (but I am keeping track of how much I have left for when we have some extra again!)

I feel like I'm running down a path, leaning so far forward that if I don't keep running I will fall on my face. I can't look ahead to focus on any goals because I'm too busy watching the path and hoping to get my feet underneath me, rather than trailing behind.

And I feel... unsacred. I feel like those things about me that I consider sacred are actually worthless or ludicrous, because no one holds them in reverence like I do. Ben tries, but it it really hard to reverence something that you don't understand. I want to share them here -- I've had a post in mind for days -- but I am afraid that either no one will respond, or the responses will be too casual. faetal, it meant more than words can say when you posted that response to my dream about the windpeople... what I want and fear to share is a part of me in the same way my dreams are.

feelings: confused
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
glad too see you back. *hug*

you know, you're THE most spiritual person I know. and more connected to feelings than most people. because of who you are, you're bound to hold things sacred that others just don't even see. it's fine. some people draw with 3 crayons and some (YOU) draw with the whole box. :-)

it's better to hold too many things sacred than too few - right?
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
some people draw with 3 crayons and some (YOU) draw with the whole box. :-)

aaaa! That's one of the best compliments I've ever received! Thank you! ;-D
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
anytime. :-)
catwingz ══╣╠══
The things you consider sacred are sacred. No one can take that away from you. It's probably because you're feeling sad that you don't feel they're worth anything. Can you do one of your sacred things, and make it really meaningful to yourself?

Write the post if you want. I would respond carefully, and not too casually.
belenen ══╣console╠══
Thank you, both for the advice and for saying that you would respond carefully. ♥ I haven't yet decided, but if I do, I will include a note that says that that's the post I was talking about. ;-)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
If you would like to make that post, I will respond carefully rather than casually.

I've been feeling rather too caught up in life myself, lately.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
thank you for that. ♥
darkpool ══╣╠══
*hugs* Sorry I haven't been commenting much on much of anything. I've been feeling really strange about livejournal lately, like I want to ditch my livejournal and start over, or just not have one.
belenen ══╣pouting╠══
aaaah! No, don't not have one! At least, I really really really really hope you don't leave. If you need to change journals, I will be happy to follow you to a new one.
darkpool ══╣╠══
If I do move to a new one I'll be sure to let you know. I got the glass rose yesterday! It's so cool! :-)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
yay! I was so excited to realize that you didn't have a glass rose in your collection, so I could get you one. ;-) Did it arrive in one piece?
darkpool ══╣Edmaeir╠══
Yes it did, it was very carefully packaged. I've been meaning to put it in a post but haven't been posting much and stuff. But I liked it very much, it's very neat. All I need to do is figure how to display because it's much bigger and heavier than my other ones all of which fit in a short vase.
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?
belenen ══╣gentle╠══


Thank you.
juansrx ══╣photo╠══
Remember GOD, he's the best answer for any doubt(specially, espiritual doubts).

"And I feel... unsacred. I feel like those things about me that I consider sacred are actually worthless or ludicrous, because no one holds them in reverence like I do."You shouldn't feel that way about this, I mean, look at this example: The many branches of the Christian Faith, many churches(Some of them may have "wrong" ideas but...)generally they have different rules, celebrations, etc. But the important is the escential: "THE WORDS OF GOD".

When you have the conviction that sacred things to you are so, you shouldn´t feel bad about others' feelings about those things, back again to the former example(former?, I'm not sure about the meaning of that world, Isn't it the same as "last"?), the Faith of the believers musn´t be altered in negative way by other's faith or the thoughts about their Faith.

Anyway I advice you to be "tolerant", of course if you´re offended you don´t have to allow that, but, if you can stand people's attitude about your feelings and believes it worths to do so, of course, remember to listen to others opinion and then argue about your ideas and defend them.

Remember that, above minimal differences(Don't think that I consider that your believes are "minimal"!, I'm refering to things you can stand)there are feelings, friendships, relations, etc. But remember again you don't have to stand insults about your feelings.

Roger and out!!
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you.
twisteddaydream ══╣Dirty Little Secret╠══
I think that sometimes, you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. (The same could be said for many people, I know.) But I think that you're able to be doing what you're doing and feeling like you do when you have more energy even though you don't have that energy because you're, on some level, trying to get yourself back to the energy level you desire. If that makes any sense at all. Basically, it sounds like what you're doing, whether conciously or not, is to convince yourself that you're feeling better than you are in order to keep yourself from getting to the point that you historically have been at when you feel like this mentally.

And that was really rambly and I'm not even sure it makes sense...

As for feeling unsacred, I think I understand, or at the least I can empathize. But *that* I know I can't explain right now, so maybe we can chat another time?

~hug~
belenen ══╣console╠══
*hugs back* Thank you for this, it really encouraged me. ♥
twisteddaydream ══╣Hope Anew╠══
I try. ~smiles~ Goodness knows that you've encouraged me before!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
If you consider it sacred, then it is sacred. Feeling lonely and missing your friends gets you down and it's probaby what is making it hard to feel sacred about the things you hold as sascred.

I think the fact that you're still doing the things you do when you feel good is great. Taking care of yourself is very important when working toward happiness.

If you want to make that post, I will do my best to leave a careful and not too casua comment. I don't think I achieved that here though.
belenen ══╣console╠══
Thank you so much, I really appreciate both this comment and the offer to leave a careful comment if I make the post. If I decide to, I'll be sure to make a note in the post that it's the one this was about. ♥
aslan_fan ══╣╠══
I'm praying for you! :) I love you!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
love you too!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.