February 2018
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Ben and I fighting / repressing current events


Ben and I had a major fight over something minor (which I now realize was triggering), and I way overreacted. And he got angry, and I got MORE upset because I can't STAND for men I'm close to to get angry, it frightens me and makes me act completely helpless, and then I hate them for making me feel like that and I hate myself for giving in. So we really didn't come to any conclusion, but he went to bed because he was exhausted... and I spent several hours iconing mindlessly.

ugh. I feel smushed.

I bet part of this is because I haven't been to church in weeks, so I've had nothing to refresh my spirit. We actually went to church last weekend but never got out of the car because we were fighting. I don't even remember what I was so furious about... and today I found myself immediately repressing the memory of what he did, so the first time he asked me I couldn't even remember what I was mad about, even though it just happened. My mind has a will of her own, and she has a habit of hiding stuff. She really needs to stop doing that to me.

feelings: crushed
connecting: , ,

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Comments
musicwench ══╣╠══
that stinks, bel. Remember that he loves you regardless. Here's a big old metaphorical hug.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
aww, thank you *hugs back*
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I'm sorry that you and Ben are fighting. I see that you became upset when Ben got angry with you- I do the same thing with my husband when he gets angry with me. It's always my first reaction, and it's not the best way to handle things. So I really understand what you are going through.

By the way Bel, this is Mary Beth (meekus1978)- I renamed my old journal, so please re-add me! :-)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
I like your new name much better. ;-) Although I miss the faery icon!

Thank you for this comment. ♥
faetal ══╣╠══
I dont know you guys all that well, but it seems to me that both of you need some healing on a personal level. Its really hard to have a really healthy relationship when you're both in need of such healing. Of course its hard to have a great relationship when even one party needs some healing.
Try your hardest to get to church. If you cant, take some REALLY GOOD QUALITY time out and ask God what you're doing well and what you should be doing better, ask Him to help you with Ben.
I'm sure you are already, and its probably bizaare hearing it from me.

Sometimes just laying down together and listening to eachothers breath, not talking or fighting... can be awfully enlightening.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you, all of this was encouraging to read. ♥ and I definitely want to try that laying down listening to each other breathe thing. ;-)
darkpool ══╣╠══
I hate it when people get angry at me to. Not all the time, sometimes I'm just angry and them back, but sometimes it just makes me feel aweful and afraid.
So sorry to hear that you guys are fighting. Going to church is an important thing. If you're to busy then maybe still one of you should go if you can you know? Wish I had some advice.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
it's enough to know that you care. *hugg* I wish you lived close.
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
Do you think you might feel better if you go to go to your photo shoot Tuesday?
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eternitywaiting ══╣eyelashes╠══
I can't claim to know what you guys were fighting about, or what triggered it, but I can say with confidence that I know Ben would never try to make you feel triggered or smushed or helpless and I know you guys can work through whatever it was. *hugs* I know fighting sucks, regardless of how things work out, but I know you'll get through it.

I love you sweetie.
belenen ══╣console╠══
Thank you Anika-love. *hugs back*
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs*

I think you need to go to church, not going seems to be making you feel sluggish and stagnant spiritually and that's other aspects of your life.
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
I think so too -- we went last Saturday and it was like a spiritual bath, I felt so clean and revitalized afterwards.

It's really wonderful to me that you support my spirituality even though it differs from yours. ;-) That's the way it's supposed to be. ♥
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Chorus:
Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
frenetik ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
we grow together ♥
aslan_fan ══╣childish╠══
Smushed sounds like the perfect word.
I'm sorry you're smushed. Now I know more what to pray for. Like I keep saying, I LOVE YOU!!! :)
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you elya ♥
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
:(

God, I wish there was something I could say that would make everything perfect again. Maybe you should go to church. Do something uplifting. Don't give up.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
Thank you so much. *loves you* It helps to know that you care. ♥
thesaj ══╣╠══
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Will keep you in my prayers....

belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you.
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
Ive been very busy, so I couldn't say a thing...

Remeber, you can only be understood when you understand others.
Take a time to relax think and make peace.

In this moment you need the Word of God, don't leave it.

I wish you peace and love.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.