July 2017
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weight gain through inactivity / loving my body as it is right now / glamour photos
I've been wanting to post this, but dreading the result. I feel sure that one or two of you will judge me -- but you know what? I'm strong enough to handle it. So I'm writing it anyway.

I've gone up about 3 sizes in the past year -- from a 10 to a 13 -- purely because of inactivity. I never overeat (except of course when I go to El Ranchero, which isn't that often) and I don't eat a lot of fats or sweets, but I haven't really been active for almost a year, so I've gained. I'm pretty sure that some of that is natural, since my body is taking on a more womanly form now. From the age of 12 to 21, I fluctuated maybe 10 pounds -- the only thing that changed was my proportions. So it was REALLY weird to me when I first started gaining weight, and I still feel weird, because I don't know where it will stop. But amazingly, the numbers don't matter to me anymore. And astonishingly, the way I look hardly matters to me. I can honestly look at myself and know that I am beautiful as I am, and I wouldn't be any more beautiful if I weighed more or less. Oddly enough, being able to recognize that beauty is not measured in pounds has given me a desire to be more active. I don't want to change my body through ANY method -- and I'd be perfectly happy if I started exercising regularly and did not drop an ounce or lose a centimeter. Instead, I actually want to be active to feel the strength, the flexibility, the power and force of my body. I want to feel free and graceful, and I know that to feel that way I have to gain more control over my muscles. But even if I don't get active, even if I gain more, even if I gain a LOT more, I will still be beautiful.

I attribute my newfound love for my body to curvygirls, which taught me to see all shapes as beautiful, and helped me realize that there is no such thing as a body 'flaw' because there is no ideal and we are all meant to look different; to Hannah, because I've been so inspired by her determined and joyous journey to loving her form; to my own determination to block out unhealthy images and focus on positivity and the natural form; and to photography, for showing me far more truly than the mirror that I carry beauty.

I honestly love my body and would not change it. I would not lose weight in order to change my shape, even if you paid me and I didn't have to put forth any effort. That's love, baby.

And several times in the past few months I have met up with someone who hadn't seen me for a long while who has exclaimed over how good I look (which was an unusual comment for each of them). I wonder if they said it because they noticed the weight gain and wanted to reassure me of my beauty (since I used to be very insecure about weight)... or if they noticed the new radiance of my spirit because of the healing/growth I've had in the past year and overlooked my weight, or if they noticed both and liked both, or if they simply thought I looked better with more weight. Hmmm.

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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.