December 2017
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abdominal pain / parents / spiritual sickness & mourning Anika / what I learned from Anika


remember that abdominal pain that sent me to the ER in Feb? it came back, but this time I went straight to bed when it showed up and barely stirred until it eased. I'm still a little uncomfortable, but no stabbing pain most of the time. I know, I know -- "go to the doctor" but that's so freaking expensive and unless it gets worse I am not wasting money on another "hm, dunno what's wrong with you, give us $5,000." I am completely disillusioned with modern medicine. Hopefully by the time I have to go to work on Wednesday it will be completely gone -- it lasted about 5 days last time, two intense and three dull, and that's what I've been through this time. But I don't deal well with being sick.

My mom left my dad on Friday, came down from Pennsylvania to Georgia, and then my dad followed her two days later. Very strange. I know they've been having serious marital trouble, but I am trying to stay out of it. My mom came and spent the night at my mother-in-law's house (they're friends), and Rebecca called me to let me know that she was here and that it was apparently permanent, but with the physical and emotional pain I was already in, I didn't feel up to seeing her. I didn't have the strength to be her comfort and support -- and I think it was for the best. I'm actually rather pleased with myself for NOT getting involved in the mess, though I am very curious as to what the situation is, and my old habits of mothering my mother are rearing their sneaky little heads. I want to make sure that she's not getting walked on, or letting herself be manipulated -- but she IS an adult and she IS capable of making her own choices and I need to learn to let go.

They showed up at 1pm at my apartment, knocking and yelling hello until I got up and threw something on and opened the door. Now that I think about it, it's kinda funny. And they wanted to take me out to my favorite restaurant, but I was feeling so lousy that I said no. Me! I said no to FREE mexican food! I think that is the first time ever. They asked how life was, and of course I explained that I felt yuck, and then my dad asked about school (I think when my dad looks at me he sees a giant torn-in-half diploma) and I said that I knew where I wanted to go -- Glasgow University. And then I had to mention Hannah and Kate, of course, and my dad was openly skeptical about their wonderfulness. I showed them one of the paintings that Kate did of me, and my mom looked at it and was properly amazed and awed at Kate's incredible skill and obvious care for me -- my dad looked at it and said something derogatory, picked out some imaginary flaw. Soooooo typical. Ever since EVER, my dad has tried to convince me that the only people who will ever REALLY love me are him, my mom, and my siblings. (hah) It's not going to work, okay? I'm not going to be convinced that my only hope for love is with my biofamily, because if that were true I would have a very very sad life.

As usual the elephant in the room was utterly ignored -- no mention was made of WHY my mom came down. If I had been healthy I probably would have challenged that -- as it was, I asked, "so what's the deal with you guys?" and my dad changed the subject, and I just let him. The only reason I care at all really is that I want to know what will happen to my little sister, Bethany. She's just 13 -- and my dad seems to have become a much better father to her in the past year, so I don't want her to lose that, but I don't want her to have to watch him disrespect/mistreat my mother, either. Bethany already has a very weak sense of self, and bagillions of issues to work through -- she doesn't need more.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this came on top of a spiritual sickness that started on Friday... I felt like my spirit was throwing up, sick to the point of death. Scary, especially since I had no idea where it came from. Now I'm thinking that it was a combination of a lot of things... I still haven't really mourned the loss of Anika and I'm having a hard time trusting people whom I had no doubts in before. I put more effort into treating Anika with respect, space, unconditional love, and consideration for her sensitivities than I EVER have in any other relationship. I know I wasn't perfect, but I couldn't POSSIBLY have tried harder, and that makes her disgust and rejection of me so very hard to deal with. Usually at the end of a friendship I can look back and say, well, I could have done this and this and this, and been a much better friend -- not so here. So if my best efforts are not good enough, how then can I trust friendships that I HAVEN'T given that much effort to? I feel like in order to compensate I have to do some magical transformation of myself to become a hugely better person -- that's a false feeling but I'm having a hard time getting rid of it. The mature part of me knows that I am not to blame for being rejected, but the immature part says, "you were rejected at your best, there must be something fundamentally unworthy about you that your efforts cannot overcome." Bah.

I will not let that voice win. I am a worthy person, I am a good friend, and I not only do my best, I strive to learn and grow so that my best improves. I will not stamp myself with someone else's opinion of me. I will glean what I can from this experience. I have learned that sometimes no matter how hard I try, I will fail to meet someone else's desires or expectations. I have learned that I cannot predict what someone else will desire or expect -- so I should ask, but still understand that what I think is good, someone else might think is bad. I have learned that I cannot measure my success as a friend by how pleased the friend is with me, but rather by how much I lived by what I believe to be good friendship -- and that for the sake of harmony, I should seek friends who share my beliefs about friendship. I was the best friend that I knew how to be, and I hope that that had a positive effect on some level, but even if it didn't, I have developed as a person through it. I have learned more of patience and humility, and how to restrain my tongue/fingers (sometimes). And perhaps most importantly, I have grown in my ability to give unreservedly. When Anika came to visit, I opened my heart to her in a way that I never have before, and I grew so much from that experience. I no longer have such an intense fear of rejection, because while she visited she accepted my love completely -- and rather than feeling drained, I felt stronger because I gave. I look forward to giving my love more lavishly and fearlessly as I grow. No labor of love is in vain -- I believe that with everything in my being.

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Comments
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
they didn't find ANYTHING when you went to the doc before?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
nope.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this. *hugs*

My parents have always tried to convince me no one but them will ever really love me. I hate them now and have more issues than decades of therapy could ever fix. Thanks to that idea being ingrained in my head since I was little and me being naive and not knowing any better until the damage was done, I tend to have serious bouts of anxiety and depression plus I am a very broken person. Thanks mom & dad.
belenen ══╣wicked╠══
it's not funny, but it's ironically amusing -- I feel the same way. When fathers day comes around I look at the cards and think, yeah RIGHT. Such bullshit. maybe 0.01% of all people nowadays actually have a dad that all that sappy shit would be TRUE about.
thesaj ══╣╠══
I know you may be disillusioned with modern medicine, which has many feelings and a way to big ego. But it may be something that needs looking into. If it's an appendix ready to burst or something.

So be careful, monitor it, but if it persists...then you need to pursue action. There are some programs that help if you don't have insurance.

Or, I guess you can just spend $100 to fly to California and claim you're an illegal alien and get free medical coverage.

But don't neglect it completely....and definitely go to a different doctor.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

- Jason
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
Wow, what a deep post! I love reading these types of posts where someone really opens up and is totally honest. I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your parents and your dad's disappointing behavior towards you. This is a pattern with my father as well. My way of dealing with it is to just keep as much about my life to myself as possible. It's worked for me so far.

I hope you are feeling better Bel. I know you dont want to do to the doctor, but how about looking online for symptoms of what might be wrong? You may have a hernia or soemthing else that really does need medical attention. Take care of yourself- a lot of people love you just the way you are and can afford to lose you!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
and now I'm replying 3 months later... eh.

anyway, thank you so much for this comment. It made me feel so validated and appreciated!

and the crampy thing hasn't come back since. *whew*
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
About the stomach pain. We're in the same boat it seems. All I can do is give you what I went through and if any of it sounds similar, then you can go from there. Healthcare sucks, but there are supposedly some programs that can help you out. My school forces you to buy health insurance, so that's the only reason why I have it. Here's the website for the tummy place I went to. Maybe browsing it will help you. I hope you feel better physically, mentally, and spiritually and that things work out with your parents.
cassieeeee ══╣╠══
I think there's just some kind of funk in the universe right now. Everyone I know is having some kind of physical/emotional problem... which I guess sounds vague but it's really noticeable. Everyone feels AWFUL in one way or another. I wonder why it is.

I hope you're feeling better soon and I hope that you can find a way to cope with your family goings-on <3
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I've gotten the impression that you are a Christian...feel free to ignore this post if you aren't.

I'm a Christian too, and in my tradition, we celebrate this week as Holy Week...the week of Jesus's crucifixion, death, and resurrection. You said "I felt like my spirit was throwing up, sick to the point of death." I can't help but relate that to Our Lord's words in Gethsemane..."my spirit is sorrowful, unto the point of death" or something like that. My dad (a very wise man) has spoken to me before about hurts he's faced before during holy week and lent (a period of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving that my tradition celebrates for 40 days before easter), and he's related that to the idea that to truly rise with Christ, we must also suffer with him. Happiness is not a right that he gives us here on earth (of which I'm certain you are very mindful and aware of), but a gift that he bestows. And if we are hurting, it's not that we shouldn't hurt so much as that we should rejoice in our suffering.

Meh, this probably didn't help much...but maybe it's something to meditate on, a different perspective of sorts.

Ima shut up now.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══

you. are. loved!!



xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox.

...xoxox!!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
awwwwwwwwwww you always make me feel better when you comment! *adores you*
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aw, yay! some sentiments just have to be pushed to the foreground every once in a while ;-)

*adores you back!!* =)
twisteddaydream ══╣Hope Anew╠══
~hugs~ I honestly don't know what to say sweetie, but I want you to know that you're in my thoughts and I hope you feel better soon. Also, I am so proud of you for standing up to your parents and saying, "No!" It was hard, but you did it!
darkpool ══╣╠══
See if you can find a free clinic in your area to go to for your abdominal pain. If it is something bad it could be something of the sort that makes you infertile if not treated. Because there's lots of bad femine problems that could cause abdmominal pain. Clinics can be better than other doctors because they're not amking any money having you there so they'll try to diagnose you quickly. Although hopefully not to quickly.
free2be ══╣╠══
About your spiritual throwing up: I used to feel like that quite often. It passed. I'm not sure what it was but I think it had something to do we me not allowing the flows of life to flow through me...too much resistance, too much judgement. Let yourself go, continuously, just keep letting go. Then, occasionally, come up for air, notice what you best like and re-let go and in those directions. Keep flowing.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I don't know what to tell you about your parents as it's not something I've ever gone through. I don't like your dad's attitude I must admit so I cna guess at the kind of issues that lead to your mum leaving him. *hugs* I think you are right to stay out of the mess, though. You have enough on your plate already. Give yourslf permission to not e the one to look after everyone.

As for Anika...I honestly don't understand what she wanted from you. From what I could tell you were a wonderful friend to her and I don't know what she felt was lacking. Like you said though, you learnt form this experience. You learnt that even though Anika rejected you, you are still a great friend. You learnt how to creat harmonious relationships with other friends. And you learnt how to grow and move past the hurt to realsie you did the est you could and that is all anyone can ever do.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
thank you so much for your support through the whole Anika thing.... it meant so much to me. ♥
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
This just occurred to me!
Back around thanksgiving, a good friend of mine had had sharp abdominal pains on and off...one morning it got unbearably bad so she had someone drive her to the hospital. Well it turned out that there was a malignant cyst that wrapped around her right ovary 3 times and more or less strangled it. They had to remove it.

Bottom line...I agree with the people who are urging you to get it checked again. I dont' mean to scare you because in all likelihood it's probably nothing, but you don't want to take chances.
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
Re: This just occurred to me!
rar, I'm an idiot, when I said malignant I meant benign.
juansrx ══╣*ash1╠══
I hope that this chapter will have a happy ending.

Blessings
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.