November 2017
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anger at abusive people / no real love without respect


There's a lot I want to update about, especially Thursday, meeting SabR and Kazi and the cleansing ceremony with Ashley.

But right now I'm angry about so many things. Mainly at abusive people -- kevin, my dad, my aunt -- who try their damndest to control, use, and suck the energy out of the lives of those I love. Spouting lies, believing them, using them as a net to try to capture prey. And I admit it, I feel a little anger at my loved ones for not taking care of people whom I love -- themselves. Kick the abuser out and keep them out! They have no concept of a mutual relationship -- they just want to take from you. And if you let them, you're harming the both of you -- it's like enabling an alcoholic. They don't know what they need, and you giving them the substitute they crave just keeps them from really living.

It's never a good thing to yield to an abusive person; it's not good, it's not generous, it's not loving. There can be no real love where there is not respect -- for both self and other. There can be affection, fondness, but never true love. Love is wanting the greatest good for the both of you, and being willing to sacrifice for that (including sacrificing the relationship!). That desire can only develop in the presence of deep respect for the innate worth of both yourself and the other.

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Comments
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I'm a little underqualified to comment, but while it's not a GOOD thing to yield to an abuser, from my understanding, if they've sucked the life out of someone, that someone may not have the strength or the ability to leave. In a lot of my classes (I'm a sociology major) we've studied abusive relationships--which are far more common than most people realize. And sometimes, the abused person can't leave, because the abuser is so controlling that the abused person is pretty much watched over all the time, and the abuser might kill or otherwise seriously harm the other person for trying to escape/get help/whatever.
belenen ══╣disassociative╠══
yeah, I understand that. Believe me, I know first-hand how impossible it can be. It is one of the hardest things to stand up for yourself when you've no self-worth, and without some kind of positive influence, some strength given, it is impossible. I don't look down on abuse victims for not getting out -- often they simply don't have the energy.

That doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated watching my friends allow people to tear them down, while I can do nothing to stop it. My emotions don't care about logic.
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I can understand that. it is hard not to get angry sometimes...I sort of disagree that they allow it, but then again you've been through it and I haven't, so I yield to your experience. But yeah, with my best friend it seemed like she was allowing it and it WAS really hard sometimes to not just be like "GET OUT OF THERE!"
delicatexflower ══╣drew || photo within a photo ||╠══

=/
*hugs*
i know how you feel...

but i agree with you...

you are so deep and i like it =]
belenen ══╣connate╠══
*hugs back* and thank you for the wonderful compliment! ♥
juansrx ══╣╠══
Remember that God is your Powerful Defender, He won`t let you down.

REmember also to search for the people that can help ypu, the love from those you know.

Anyway, here`s a bouncer I can lend you:


    ______^___
   0     ---  \
    VVVVVVVVV  ".______________.."------
    AAAAAAAAA 
    \___________".____________.-"""""""
                  ||        ||
   woof!!         ||        ||
                  000       000

belenen ══╣amused╠══
hee, thanks!
johannexcore ══╣╠══
I work with victims of domestic violence in their homes where their abusers are, more often than not, present. It is a hard thing to separate the abuser from the act of abuse, but once one is able to do so, it is amazing the amount of pain, confusion, isolation, fear - just how intense the emotions are underneath it all. [S]he is acting in a way that allows from som release. No, it is not healthy. No, I refuse to advocate for it, but I will advocate for the abuser and the victim in a healthy relationship should they choose that that is a relationship that BOTH want to be in.

I guess I'm just suggesting a suspension of judgment on individuals who abuse in favor of loving correction. We are only human; we can't love and judge at the same time. That's God's job.
belenen ══╣antagonistic╠══
I will advocate for the abuser and the victim in a healthy relationship should they choose that that is a relationship that BOTH want to be in.

what does that mean? The only way an abuser and victim can have a healthy relationship is if the abuse is over. An alcoholic needs to be dry for a long time before s/he can go somewhere with an open bar. They will NEVER grow and NEVER change if they stay in the same situation. Healing of individuals must happen before healing of relationship can ever occur.

I'm upset that you insinuate that I am judging -- excuse me, what makes you think you understand what is going on in my head? Judging is stamping a person with their actions, which I did NOT do. I can step into the shoes of each of those people I mentioned -- I can understand why they do what they do, I understand that it's because they are wounded. I myself have played both parts -- everyone is abuser and abused at some point in their lives. That does not excuse the action, and it does not excuse enabling an abuser. Those actions are wrong regardless of the reasons behind them.

I also realize that it is one of the hardest things to stand up for yourself when you've no self-worth. That doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated watching my friends allow people to tear them down, while I can do nothing to stop it.
spindell ══╣╠══
it can be so hard, can't it, to walk away from those kinds of relationships sometimes. It's like we feel at some deep point, that maybe we could be the ones to give them what they need, so then they'll become a better person. What we forget, I guess, is that they'll never change because we pour all of ourselves into them. "Emotional vampirism" is what I'd call it.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
yeah... and the fact is, it just doesn't work like math, you don't get back what you put in. It's totally dependent on their choice... and no one ever changes until staying the same is more uncomfortable. So they're just gonna keep taking as long as you can give.

I can understand the urge, can understand all the reasons, but it still tears me up to watch it happen.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.