February 2018
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dream (spirit-brother) / abandoned / death of an old friendship


I slept today and dreamed that I met my spirit-brother, (only without all the negative connotations I have with the word brother). It was amazing, he was so loving and protective and gentle (he actually reminded me of my friend Michael, but only sorta). The atmosphere of the dream was threatening, but I felt safe because he was there. And then he just left, though I'm not sure if that was because I half-woke or because he left in the dream, it's all fuzzy -- but it made me cry. I felt abandoned... but Ben came over and comforted me, even squeezing on our narrow couch to lay with me and hold me. Without him I think I would have cried for hours.

--------

I've been feeling very abandoned lately. Two of my favorite friends switched LJs and didn't invite me to the new one (the first friend I actually asked to be added to the new one, hoping that I'd just been overlooked; the second I didn't ask). Three people I really cared about recently unfriended me, one for personal reasons and the other two for nude icons. It's all understandable and I don't harbor bitterness or anger, but it still hurts. And (I can't believe I forgot to include this) losing Anika back in March... and sorta-kinda losing Rebecca as she married and moved far away.

Then I found out that one of my oldest friends, a face-to-face friend I've known since high school, unfriended me today. Back in April we emailed back and forth a bit, but I never got a response to the last one I sent. She never told me why she didn't respond to my comments when she responded to everyone else's, why she stopped answering or returning my calls. And then I offended her by posting something vague about how I felt sad that she was so busy she had no time for me... (I didn't mention anything about the calls or comments in my journal, only in the email I sent her) I think she finds it offensive for me to post about her at all. But I did the best I could while still remaining true to myself. I didn't say anything negative, didn't imply that she was doing anything mean, just stated the facts and how they made me feel. I can't just not post about something that really bothers me; this is my journal, this is my expression of self. And while I am willing to refrain from judging, I am not going to refrain from posting about the death of a friendship that meant a lot to me.

I have no idea what her motives are, and I can't keep my mind from circling, circling, wondering what I could have done better, wondering IF there is anything I could have done or if this was inevitable. I can't believe it's over. I'm still hoping that some years down the road we can be friends again, but... and it's been dead for a long time now, but this was sorta the symbolic send-off. I consider unfriending my journal to be a declaration that the friendship is over, because my journal is such a part of me that if you don't want it, you don't want me.

She's such an incredible person, so firey and glowing and passionate and creative... I feel like my life has lost color because she has stepped out of it for real (for now anyway). Even though we weren't in contact, I hoped that she had the same hope of a future friendship. I loved her so much. Just yesterday I was thinking of her and considering asking her to go to a Mutemath concert with me next month, since she used to be a fan of Earthsuit, the group's former incarnation. She's the only friend I have that would have enjoyed that -- and I don't even know her well enough nowadays to know if she'd have liked that.

I feel like I'm going through some sort of friend metamorphosis, shedding old friends. I am hoping that it's over and I get to keep the rest of you, but I fear that I'm going to lose at least one more... I won't change myself to suit, I won't won't won't CAN'T, I have fought too hard to be myself. If being myself means offending people, getting rejected, being abandoned, then so be it. The pain of those things is less than the pain of warping myself to fit others.

Those of you who have stuck with me and accepted (if not loved or approved of) all my facets, thank you. Thank you. You give me the strength to go on, to accept myself and love the parts of me that are objectionable to others. And you sure as hell better believe that I love every bit of you! Our 'imperfections' make us who we are. I think the bravest and most beautiful thing is to look at yourself honestly and seek to grow in the immature areas, seek to become who you were created to be. You're lovely, and you are not flawed. Those 'flaws' are places that you are young, and when you mature, they will be your strongest areas. I love you, love you, love you, every one of you, every facet of you. ♥

sounds: Mutemath: "Peculiar People"
connecting: , , ,

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Comments
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I love every facet of you too. *hugs* I have no plans at all to defriend you, so you're not going to lose me unless you one day decide you want to (which I hope you wont!).
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
Nope, Bel, I'm staying with you. Maybe others want to move on, or don't want to share the wonderfulness that is you, but I am staying right here.

You are such an incredibly beautiful person, and while I'm sorry that your friends haven't responded to your emails and comments (as I have to have closure-- it just makes sense to me), I wouldn't take their defriending personally. They probably have stuff going on with them, and don't realize they are creating drama for you as well.

I love you.

*hugs you tight*
armandii ══╣╠══
In the short time you and I have been LJ friends I have come to admire you very much on so many levels. I won't be unfriending you, and it makes me happy to know you intend to continue to be yourself. It is important to be who we are....ain't I learnt that the hard way!?

Love and Hugs xxx
katielilie ══╣╠══
The pain of those things is less than the pain of warping myself to fit others.

A-flippen-men sister! NEVER forget that. This is something that I have only just begun to learn. Good for you for always being true to yourself. I admire your strength of character and I have no intention to turn down the beautiful gift that is you. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.
malignlibra ══╣╠══
-sits, stays, having no plans to budge-

I don't think you'll ever be able to get rid of me. Well, unlesss you wanted rid of me 0_o But I don't think you do ;)

I'm sorry these people did this, I can only imagine it would feel similar to a slap in the face. [I recently had a friend that I've known since near childhood defriend me, I don't know if she meant to but this is the second time it's happened, I guess I'll get the hint this time.]
smallestdelight ══╣╠══
You're such an inspiration.

invisibleglue ══╣ani d by angry_biscuit╠══
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way :-( I love you very much. You're passionate and creative and courageous and beautiful and sensitive. Bel, you're incredible!
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
i love you.

Since our conversation last night especially (and before then as well), I have been thinking of ways that I can spend more energy with/on you. I think if you'd like I will start emailing you when I have little conversations pop up in my head. And if you'd like to answer them back, I'd like that, but I don't want you to feel pressured, as I know sometimes that e-mail is difficult to answer back. :) (I'm not so good with written letters myself)

I am sorry that you are going through so many changes with friends right now. I have experienced that in the past and have lately been coming out of that, I think, entering into a new level of my life and gaining so many wonderful people.

I value you, Bel. I cherish you, and I adore you. And I thank you for letting me be part of your life.
sabr ══╣╠══
Aww Bel, I'm sorry things are so tough right now :( Maybe it is just a shedding of the old, a metamorphis, from caterpillar to that beautiful butterfly that you speak of.

[sits and stays, right beside her sister and Bel, who she often looked at as a mentor, a light, a savior, and an inspiration. ]
hottergirl01 ══╣╠══
wow
that's exactly how i feel. so insignificant at times. my "friends" have recently stopped talking to me (probably at the request of another who used to be my roommate) and it hurts really bad to lose so many friends. they don't invite me to things that they would usually invite me to...like hanging out because my ex-roommate is in town from school....i know exactly how you feel.

and i gotta say, your entry was a breath of fresh air. you really put it all into perspective. i can't change and i refuse to! i mean, why should we? our idiosyncrasies are what attracted us to each other in the first place and all it took was one person (who invited me into the group in the first place!) to tear us all apart. guess the relationships weren't as strong as I'd hoped.

what took almost a year to build has come tumbling down in a matter of months and yeah it hurts a lot. but you are so right...can't change a thing and mold ourselves to something that a fickle person wants!
hottergirl01 ══╣╠══
moreover....
i've posted posts like this for at least 3 months. some i've erased or made private, others are still out there. Bel, you're lucky. You at least have a group here of people that comment and care about ya. Not to mention a husband that holds all of you together when you feel you're about to burst and shatter on the floor.

Can i borrow some of your friends, Bel? i could use some of that support.
acid_burns ══╣bones / come september╠══
♥♥♥

*hugs*
_keena ══╣╠══
honey, people come and go in life for a reason. dont hold onto someone that doesnt wanna be there. we learn more about ourselves through each other.they were put in your life for a short period of time for a reason.
word is bond
lorelei_sakti ══╣yuna╠══
Losing old friendships is really hard. I feel for your loss. Two of my best friends from high school have drifted away from me, and I didn't take it in the best of stride. I don't know why people who used to be so close to us decide to leave us. You'd like to think that the friendship means as much to them as it does to you.

It's not worth changing yourself to fit their expectations; you have to be you. You can't be anything but yourself. I hope that you find other friends in the future who are more worthy of you.
spindell ══╣╠══
*hugs*





(oh, and Earthsuit? SQUEEEE!)
darkpool ══╣Love╠══
I'm sorry about that. It hurts when people can't even respect you enough to tell you why they don't want to be your friend.

I'm still here! Even though I'm pretty quiet right now. I just can't think of anything I want to say. Oddly I think the happier I am the less I have to say...

Bel love!!!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
sugar pie! Don't feel abandoned, look at all these people who love you!! YOU YOU YOU. did you get my email??
juansrx ══╣lem1╠══
Do you know what´s "good" about this?(not taking good in the sence "tis is good" but in the meaning of "the good part of this") You have the solution rigth in your hands(o rigth on your PC), you have stored the most happy days on your life on this journal, you have here a reminder of every thing that makes you feel happy, you have here tons of people who care about you and your feelings, and you have millions and millions of answers to all your questions.

And thank God, because He never leaves you away!!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.