August 2017
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loneliness/pain


(I'm composing this at home with the intent of putting it on a floppy and carrying it to internet access tomorrow eventually) It's been five days without internet and I feel so cut off. My flat feels empty without my magic window into the digital world where I can 'listen' to my friends anytime I want. Ben and Alariya are wonderful, but they are very busy and they are only two people... I miss my tribe, all of the glorious people who make my life so rich, so inspiring, so blessed.

I felt lonely before, but it's so much worse without you.

I'm angry with two of my friends for blowing me off lately. Two Tuesdays in a row! I don't feel able to go into detail, mostly because I believe in addressing issues with the primary person before I go talking with others. I don't always stick to that but it IS what I try to do.

I feel really rejected. so fucking alone. And when I start feeling like this I start questioning myself. Am I too much, too demanding? and then I answer myself angrily, 'HELL NO,' because how the fuck can I demand? I can't control you and I don't want to! All I can do is ask, and if you don't like my requests, don't be my friend! I ask honesty because I give it, because that is the only way friendship is real. I don't ask perfection or even being pretty good; I just want some effort. Some show of energy being extended to me. Don't have energy to spare? Fine, just be straight with me so I know what I can count on. I do not waste my time trying to sort truth from fiction -- you tell me something, I will trust it until I see proof that it isn't true. You say you'll catch me, I'll fall backwards and be shocked if I hit the ground. Trust isn't trust unless it's complete.

I hurt too. Yeah, I'm strong, yes, I can carry my pain 'well,' I can stay mostly positive, I have a good life, but my pain is real. I feel like I have no one to support me because I'm too busy being strong for others. The 'too demanding' one is afraid of asking for what she needs because she doesn't want people to feel sad that they don't have it to give. And she's so tired of being accused of demanding when she's only asking.

...Break The Same by Mute Math ...
what a shame // that only tears
know how // to remind us we all break the same
we built our different lives // but they all break the same
connecting:


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.