November 2017
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loneliness/pain


(I'm composing this at home with the intent of putting it on a floppy and carrying it to internet access tomorrow eventually) It's been five days without internet and I feel so cut off. My flat feels empty without my magic window into the digital world where I can 'listen' to my friends anytime I want. Ben and Alariya are wonderful, but they are very busy and they are only two people... I miss my tribe, all of the glorious people who make my life so rich, so inspiring, so blessed.

I felt lonely before, but it's so much worse without you.

I'm angry with two of my friends for blowing me off lately. Two Tuesdays in a row! I don't feel able to go into detail, mostly because I believe in addressing issues with the primary person before I go talking with others. I don't always stick to that but it IS what I try to do.

I feel really rejected. so fucking alone. And when I start feeling like this I start questioning myself. Am I too much, too demanding? and then I answer myself angrily, 'HELL NO,' because how the fuck can I demand? I can't control you and I don't want to! All I can do is ask, and if you don't like my requests, don't be my friend! I ask honesty because I give it, because that is the only way friendship is real. I don't ask perfection or even being pretty good; I just want some effort. Some show of energy being extended to me. Don't have energy to spare? Fine, just be straight with me so I know what I can count on. I do not waste my time trying to sort truth from fiction -- you tell me something, I will trust it until I see proof that it isn't true. You say you'll catch me, I'll fall backwards and be shocked if I hit the ground. Trust isn't trust unless it's complete.

I hurt too. Yeah, I'm strong, yes, I can carry my pain 'well,' I can stay mostly positive, I have a good life, but my pain is real. I feel like I have no one to support me because I'm too busy being strong for others. The 'too demanding' one is afraid of asking for what she needs because she doesn't want people to feel sad that they don't have it to give. And she's so tired of being accused of demanding when she's only asking.

...Break The Same by Mute Math ...
what a shame // that only tears
know how // to remind us we all break the same
we built our different lives // but they all break the same

connecting:

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Comments
acid_burns ══╣beautiful in its dark poetry╠══
Bel.


I just wanted to say I really do love you.


That would be all.

N.
belenen ══╣osculant╠══
Nea love, you have no idea how much this filled up my heart. To me, you seem to be very conscious in how you express yourself and you're careful to say only what you mean, so this means so much to me. Really. I felt so loved when I read this. You are such a treasure. ♥ ♥ ♥
delicatexflower ══╣drew ][ ever after ][ sore & sad╠══

there's nothing worse then feeling rejected
&& feeling very lonely.

lately i've been feeling very depressed since
i lost my best friend and it hurts so bad...

=[
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
:-( I'm so sorry sweetie...
delicatexflower ══╣╠══
spindell ══╣╠══
hey sweetheart, it's good to see/hear from you. Isn't it amazing how we become so reliant on this fabulous creation known as the internet? Please stay well. You know we all love you and are thinking of you.

By the way, any sign of the package??? it's been weeks, and I'm starting to get worried that someone might have waylaid it. I sent something to canada at the same time and that arrived weeks ago. :(
belenen ══╣inspired╠══
eeeee yes! I did get your amazing gift! And I was so excited, you can ask alariya about how I squealed and talked so much about it. ♥ ♥ ♥ I want to take photos of me wearing it before I post about it, damn my perfectionist self, but I am soooooooooooooo grateful to you, you're amazing. *lovelovelove!!!!!*
spindell ══╣╠══
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
*warm hugs*

Bel, I've been feeling some of the same way because of this weird day I've been having.

I love you *very* much. Perhaps I will call you soon. It would be lovely to hear your voice!
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
I LIKE that word tribe. :-) I may have to steal that.

it's been my experience that the more you ask a person 'why aren't you here?', the less they are. the trick (although I've never been able to practice this) is patience.
belenen ══╣hypnotiq╠══
feel free to use! ;-)

yeah.... I've experienced that over and over, when you're desperate for something you don't get it 'til you give up. but knowing that doesn't help! :-p
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
hottergirl01 ══╣i'm the type of girl╠══
every word you said is EXACTLY how I've felt this entire year. I never knew how to put it into words...but you've done that beautifully.

we should be real friends, dammit!
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
your whole year? Oh that must have been so hard, I can't even imagine. You must be so brave. ♥

too bad you live so far away! :-(
bellerisa ══╣╠══
I know this pain well. The best thing to do is focus on those who are giving you their time and energy right now, but I know that's hard.

*soothing hugs*
belenen ══╣pensive╠══
*hugs back*
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I think I somewhat understand...it's wonderful being a person that a lot of people rely on for emotional strength, but it's really hard when you feel like that strength you give out isn't being returned. You're taking a good step by being forward about what you need. Even though you don't know me well, I am here to listen if you want to talk, I'll give you an email address or something.

Keep hanging on!
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
you're so sweet *hugs* Thank you lovey.
kara_called ══╣purple lady╠══
I feel the same way sometimes. I think it's a way for us to realize our own vulnerability every now and then. hang in there.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I hurt too. Yeah, I'm strong, yes, I can carry my pain 'well,' I can stay mostly positive, I have a good life, but my pain is real. I feel like I have no one to support me because I'm too busy being strong for others. The 'too demanding' one is afraid of asking for what she needs because she doesn't want people to feel sad that they don't have it to give. And she's so tired of being accused of demanding when she's only asking.


I relate to this, so well. Remember, no matter how strong you ned to be, you are human and you need to let it hurt and know you;re within your right to ask for support, no matter if people try to make you feel guilty.

*hug*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you sweetheart *hugs back*
darkpool ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to feel like you need input and also to feel like other people can't or won't provide it. And just feeling guilty for needing it sometimes even though you know it's a need it can feel like a want. *hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs back* Thank you for understanding and caring, lovey ♥
invisibleglue ══╣ani guitar by emotionalwench╠══
Bel, I wish I could be there with you right now. I guess all I can say is that I love you, and you're always in my thoughts.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you so much Nisha-love ♥
clown_frog ══╣╠══
If you don't ask for what you want, you'll never get it. That just struck me. Though asking for it doesn't always mean you'll get it either. It isn't demanding, but I suppose sometimes when you ask for a lot from a friend, they don't want to disappoint, they don't want to say, well, I can give this much, but I'm afraid I can't give more. Because that feels bad. Because then you feel like a bad friend, and a bad friend is no friend at all.

It is a very difficult thing to receive and not give back. It is a very difficult thing to give and not receive, but I think the former is more often neglected in thought. When Ashley, or you, or anyone, says they love me, or something like that, it makes me feel good. Briefly, and then I feel bad, because I can't return that. Because something I find very difficult these days is saying what I am not confident I mean, and something else I find difficult is having any confidence in myself.

But I would want to work on a friendship.

The more I feel bad about not giving back, the more I avoid it. I don't like feeling obligated to do something- and I don't like feeling that all it is is a feeling of obligation. I should want to comment, to ask how someone is, or whatever.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I think sometimes you have to be careful not to seem like you are demanding, expecting, when you are only asking. And maybe that what you give to others, that isn't demanded or expected from you. If you feel like it is, maybe it is, or maybe you're wrong, you'd have to work that out with whoever you feel like it is demanded from.

You say you feel like you have no-one to support you because you're too busy being strong for others. Well I think I can maybe understand that. But I think maybe if you let your pain show, people will want to support you, be strong for you. That shouldn't make you feel bad. Sometimes it makes people feel better to be the supportive one for once.

Don't be afraid of asking for what you need. Maybe it will make people feel sad. As far as being seen as demanding goes- that is what it is, "being seen". When there is discrepency between what you mean to say and what people see you as saying, then that doesn't mean they're right, but it sometimes means you have to change the way you're saying it.

Well, there you go, that didn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that. Hopefully you're not feeling so bad now anyway, its been a while since this was posted. But these things sometimes tend to stick around, buried, so I commented anyway, though it maybe would've been better to earlier.
belenen ══╣openness╠══
I feel that you give a lot! I think you give more to me than I do to you, certainly I don't expect more from you babe. You're so generous as it is! I want more of a friendship of course because I want us to keep going forward always, but I'm not picky about the timing and right now I don't really have the extra energy to kick it into high gear now anyhow.

I get the feeling that you feel bad, as if I am disappointed in you and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I really really am happy with you, happy to know you and happy that you're posting more and sharing more than you used to. I wish I could express to you how much I just love you, and how much I feel that you give to me.

I'm really really really hoping that I can come visit Glasgow from Jan 25th to Feb 25th so I can be there for your birthday and mine and Hannah's! It all depends on where Ben gets placed, if it's in a nearby store or a farther one -- a farther one would mean we'd need to get another car pretty much right away, but if he got a nearby store he said he might be willing to wait on the car and let me make the trip first! Ohhhhhhhh you have no idea how much I want to meet you!!!! So I'm hoping for that, but either way I am determined to meet you this year.
clown_frog ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.