February 2018
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possible friendship with alariya's leafwhimsy / 'fight' with my partner, hopelessness, pain


Last night I had a long chat with aurilion (a very close friend of alariya's and casual friend of mine) . She's coming down to visit tomorrow, and she and Alariya are both thrilled. I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. I feel like I have to hold leafwhimsy at a distance because she's Alariya's friend, mainly, and I don't want to put myself in where I'm not wanted, for one, and I don't want to fall in love with leafwhimsy either because then I suspect I'd get jealous of them both, and it's bad enough as it is. I've known that Alariya's given a lot of her heart to leafwhimsy, and up 'til now I've dealt with that by just not thinking about it, but now it's impossible. I'm greedy because Alariya's really the only physically & emotionally close friend I have right now, the only one on the same wavelength AND in the same geographic area. I don't want to share. And obviously I know that this is not a healthy attitude but I sure as hell don't pretend to be perfect. And my heart doesn't listen to reason. All I can think about is that I am so lonely for true companionship, and (except Alariya of course) all of the friends whom I could have that with live miles and miles away. The two I miss the most live an OCEAN away.

These feelings are so dirty and messy and petty. I'm a greedy little girl whining because she can't have a lollipop. That's how I feel anyway. or maybe I'm a broken little girl crying because she's starving. I'm not sure which is the true picture. and how can I hurt so much when I have such unbelievably wonderful people in my life?

There are ways that aurilion and I overlap that I have never found in anyone else, which would thrill me in any other situation but in this one they just make me sad.

And I'm sure that part of my reaction is because my partner and I had a 'fight' I guess you could call it. I was hurting because I felt like our relationship was hopeless, and I said something about him not loving me and just doing nice things out of guilt, and he got angry that I would question his motives and left me alone in the bedroom. I cried and cried... he started to watch a movie in the other room and then about 10 minutes later he came in and talked to me for a long time. I was very upset that he left me when he knew I was hurting enough to cry (which I rarely do, for myself, though I cry easily at movies, books, etc.) We finally got to the point where I'd forgiven him enough to let him hug me, but my feelings aren't gone. I still don't understand why we're together. It seems like neither of us feels especially affectionate toward the other. I love and admire him -- I could list a million reasons why he's wonderful -- but I don't get anything out of the relationship, and he said the other day that he didn't either. Last night he said that wasn't true and he DID get a lot out of it, that he had had a wrong mindset and now he doesn't feel that way but I have a hard time believing him. Lately it's been happening that he'll do something wonderful and then later that same day he'll do something that cuts me to the quick. And I know he's stressed out, but there are some things that I believe one should never allow oneself to do no matter what the circumstance. It should not be in your mental list of options. Such as ignoring a person because they made you mad -- even if they did something wrong, they are still a person and should not be treated as if they don't exist. If someone asks a question and you don't want to answer it you can just say, "I don't want to answer," and then you are still respecting their existence.

He said he doesn't see things the way he used to and he's changing. He said he gets positivity out of the relationship and he will make sure I do too. I don't have the strength to just believe in that. I'll try to keep myself open to the possibility but I can't bring myself to accept it as fact.

This feels very strange. Up 'til now I've never really posted about issues between my partner and me, partly because while they're at the worst I don't have the energy and when they're over they seem obsolete, and partly because my partner used to be a very private person and didn't want me to post anything negative for fear that my friends would hate him. But he has told me repeatedly that he doesn't have a problem with it at all anymore so I'm taking him at his word.

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Comments
malignlibra ══╣╠══
.x. nuzzles .x.
[lj just ate my comment -_-]

I understand what you're going through possibly more than I could ever say. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, but I haven't yet found a way to deal with it all. I wish you an immense amount of luck though, and I'll be happy to pray for some guidance for you. Belenen, you're a beautiful and amazingly loving person, I don't doubt that you'll find a way through this.

I'm sorry about what's going on with you and Ben. I'm not much in the advice department today but I did want you to know that I adore the heck out of you and if you need to talk I'm here [ malignlibra@gmail.com ]. I have a lot of faith in you, even beyond your pain I see an extremely strong spirit. At the same time, you're human, you're allowed to feel the gauntlet of human emotions, including pain, jealousy, frustration, love, anger, happiness and nine million other unexplainable things.

.x. hugs .x. Good luck, you have my prayers and best wishes!
darkpool ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry you're hurting. That thing about ignoring someone when you're mad though...it can be really hard to break the patterns of childhood. I don't know about Ben specifically but I know that in my family when people were mad about something they didn't talk for a length of time and then it was over, done. In a way it had omne positive aspect, it kept the situation from escalating out of control. On the other hand it has a lot of negative aspects. It incredibly difficult for me not to do that to Jason now. The more upset I am the harder it is to talk about it. We've both learned to cope with it, because I'm certainly not over it yet. It is my instinct to just avoid any person/situation I don't like, indefinetly. And I feel that way towards Jason frequently when I'm upset with him (which is not the frequently, just to be clear.) I feel like I don't want to talk to him and will never talk to him again about anything important to me. I do manage to suppress and say "No I made a vow not to do this." but it's hard, and it's rare that I can blurt it out immeadiatly. It takes a lot of effort, and I go through the effort of doing this very hard thing for me because I love him and want to do better with him. For his part is he know I'm upset with him he will sit with me and be quiet so that I can get it out. Sometimes when I'm very upset I can only get a few words out at a time and it might take several minutes. It might seem horrible that I do that, but it's not really, it's good that I tell him in the end, because it's very hard for me and it takes a lot of energy, and I've nevver had to do it before. And it gets better, it's getting better.
easternsun ══╣╠══
I know exactly what you're talking about. I've had problems with jealousy ever since I was little. I even get jealous if a livejournal friend friends one of my other livejournal friends, for fear that they'll become better friends with each other than with me!
I know all too well what it's like not to have close friends around here, I live in the Atlanta area and have almost no social life :-( All of my close friends live in another state or continent altogether, and I'm not willing to compromise myself in order to hang out with other people that I feel aren't on the same wavelength as me.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aww, don't worry about lilly, sweetness, you will love her!! just wait til you're all together, i'm sure the harmony will be amazing!
juansrx ══╣*ugl1╠══
you are not selfish!!!, it´s just that you need some attention on these moments!!, I considere myself an attention addict!!, but I try to be reasonable about my friends and their lives. just keep inm mind that you won´t lose her just because of some friend of her.

About the second topic *ahem*, I think counselling would help...maybe, but if you really want to save your relation you must start now.

I hope that things will go better
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* I understand your jealousy over leafwhimsy. Alariya is your only close friend nearby so it maks sne you want to proect that. Of course, leafwhimsy is a lovely girl so I can see why you're worried you'll fall in love with her.
o
As for you and Ben, the fact that you can look upon him with admiration and can be hones with each other, even wehn it's to say you're not getting anythig in the relationship, shows the relationship still has a ot of potential for growth and joy. It's only when you can't talk at all and can't even say more than one or two nice things about your partner that the relationship is doomed. I beleive if you want to, you and Ben can get through this.
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Your feelings about Lily and alariya are understandable, so don't beat yourself over having them. Hopefully they'll have changed or been dealt with now you have all met...

I wonder if alariya had these feelings over you and Hannah, when she was going to visit? Because if she did she'll most definitely understand. And when everything is understood then it is easier to deal with together. She's your heart sister, a wonderful friend, and that she has given a lot of her heart to lily doesn't mean it has taken from what she gave to you- I don't think her heart could be so limited as to have to be shared out like that! When you meet a new friend your heart grows.

I doubt though, that saying that will make the feelings much easier. I can understand jealousy and not wanting to share, and the feeling of kind of not wanting to butt in and be close friends with leafwhimsy yourself (kind of like you wouldn't get too close to a friends boyfriend), which is very sad, and they are bad feelings that are difficult not to have. I think that lily would be very sad not to have friendship with you though, and alariya would understand that. Try not to worry about that.

One thing though, Alariya loves you and I'm sure she will always always be there for you, so even when you feel lonely you wont ever be alone. And she isn't the only one either.

Don't have any advice about you marriage, how could I? I'm entirely lacking in experience of these things. But I hope you work things out. I remember you posted months back about the relationship not going well, and were really upset that it might be best to end it, but then you worked it out. I don't know how long you've felt like this though, if you just haven't been posting about it. Maybe you can work things out, and it will get better? I can imagine that after years being together, and all the stresses you have to go through with finding home and work and family, and all that, everything can get a bit stressed. Maybe you're starting to settle down and really concentrate on the relationship and what it all holds, and its a bit big and worrying.

But, as I said, I have no experience in these things and don't know anything of the details of your relationship, so I can't imagine how exactly you are feeling. I guess only you can work out why and whether there is hope. Maybe find some happy long-married couples and ask them what there experiences have been? Thinking there may be some at your church who are nice and willing to share their stories.

I just hope things get better for you, and for Ben. Hope you're enjoying Lily's visit as well, and not worrying too much from it.

*hugs*



meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
The amazing thing about love is that (I most emphatically believe) it's not a feeling. Which is amazing, because we can't completely control our feelings. They happen. We can sometimes stop ourselves from wallowing in certain feelings, but whatever feelings come, they come.

I believe that love is a decision. It's a decision to choose the highest good for the other person. Love is patient, love is kind. I also believe love forgives. I also believe that love never says "never."

THis weekend, I made an amazing discovery. I mean, it's nothing really new. But I found out that the pain we go through almost ALWAYS has a purpose. Sometimes it takes us a really long time to see that purpose--but I just found out that some pain I went through 7 years ago meant something to someone, and that made it worth it. More than worth it.

I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying that I pray that you and Ben will stick this out, that you will fight for one another, because the best marriages are harder at first, and are like fine wine--they get better as they age.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.