September 2017
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huge long fucking post about how my life has become utter shit.


This was friends-locked, but I changed my mind.

So, aurilion came down. And all kinds of wonderful things happened at first, but I can't write about them right now. Despite all the wonderfulness of spending time with her, I was dealing with a lot of shit already. My parents are terrible and my sister is suffering, and I NEED to do something but have no idea what!; my cat ran away and it's winter and she has no idea how to handle the outdoors; I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah for a week; Ben hurt me really badly the other day and even though he's been wonderful since, I'm still recovering; and then Saturday I went to visit my old house and show aurilion the trees, and one of my trees was dead. You would have to understand my connection with trees to get how much that hurt -- I felt like I'd gone to see an old friend at her house, anticipating a wonderful time, and found her skeleton sitting in a chair.

And I was still barely holding myself together, sitting on the grass with lily and ashley, and ashley told lily that her circle was closed -- meaning ashley, lily, and mike. I know she didn't mean it that way, but I felt extremely shut out, and I just broke. I cried a little bit and then we left... and on the way home I felt worse and worse. (This experience is so tainted with dreadful emotion that I'm probably not going to be very coherent.) When we got to the house, I told them that I didn't want to wreck their plans for the evening and they said that I wouldn't be... I said that I know that I won't be able to cheer up and I will probably depress them and they said that no matter what, they wouldn't be able to get depressed that night. I went silent because I felt cut to the bone... I would never be able to enjoy myself if I was around someone I loved who was hurting so deeply. Then ashley asked, 'do you want us to comfort you, yes or no?" and I said, "Yes, I want you to comfort me, but I don't feel that you'll be able to empathize (which means 'feel my pain') since you're so joyful." They said nothing, which sounded to me like they were saying, "yeah, we can't feel your pain because we're just too happy." We were all silent and then we went inside... I went into the bedroom and lay on my face and wept my heart out, and they called Ben to come be with me and left.

I cried for a while longer over the new hurt of being abandoned in a time of such deperate need, and thank God for Ben because I was seriously considering suicide, which I have never ever ever in my life thought of seriously. I've wished for death but never seriously considered bringing it on myself. After a while of Ben comforting me I felt a little more alive, and I went to call lily and ashley. I didn't want to face them but I knew that there were only a few hours until lily left and if it was possible to heal the rift by then I wanted to try. So I called, and found out that they were far away (I think an hour or two?), heading to go see mike. Before that I had hoped that they still wanted to be there for me but didn't know how, and when I heard that they were far away and not planning on spending one more minute with me before lily left, I was just... beyond crushed. I really can't think of a way they could have hurt me more. Lily told me much later that they had first planned to go to ashley's apartment, not that far away from mine, but ashley couldn't find the keys, which made me feel better... but shortly after that ashley said something that sounded to me like she had wanted to go see mike with lily all along, and I felt worse again.

When I found this out I asked ashley if she was angry with me and she said yes -- she had interpreted me saying that I didn't feel like they could empathize as a rejection. (so had lily) We talked on the phone for over an hour, going round and round. I talked to lily and ashley both... then they asked if I wanted them to come back, and I said yes of course since I didn't want you to leave me in the first place, and so they got off the phone and came back. It took a long time and I fell asleep waiting...

then we had a very long 'conversation' with me sitting on one side of the couch and them cuddled on the other (which made me feel ganged up on). I told them that I feel very strongly that if someone doesn't say go away (or leave me alone, etc.), or physically push you, they want you to stay. I thought that me saying 'yes I want you to comfort me' was as obvious as it could get, but because I followed it with my feelings of reluctance and doubt, they chose to take that as a 'no.' I find that hard to comprehend. How do you hear "I want you to comfort me" and then hear violent weeping and choose to just leave? The only answer I can come up with is that it was more important to them to enjoy the little bit of time together that they had left than to comfort me in my pain. And it wouldn't hurt so much if they'd just say, 'yeah, we just wanted that time, it's very important to us' but instead they told me that it was my fault they left because I did not communicate my desire clearly enough. Because just being in terrible pain isn't enough, I have to get up the strength to clearly and without doubt express my desire for comfort.

and it went on and on because they were convinced they did the right thing and I was convinced that they didn't. I think this is a very basic trust issue and it is not something I am willing to yeild on. If someone shows their pain to me and expresses a desire for comfort, I don't care if it is interspersed with 'I hate you, you #&*$(@) $^&$*# #*$($&'s, I am going to stay right there unless they tell me outright to leave. And I want to be able to depend on that from my friends, at least when they're right there and they CAN do something.

I hurt in different ways toward each of them. I hurt toward Ashley because I felt that she had chosen to dump me, I felt obsolete and unimportant. It was the first time I'd really felt trusting enough to share my deepest pain, and she abandoned me. And it hurt twice over that she had gotten ANGRY with me for hurting! I felt that she just forgot about me and went off in just as much bliss as she would have had she no connection with me whatsoever. I felt that I had made a huge effort just to get up the courage to say I want comfort, and she chose to leave anyway. And then it hurt that she not only left but went far away with no plans of comforting me at ALL, or even being near enough that the option would exist. And then it hurt that she blamed me for her leaving, blamed my doubt, my weakness, for the fact that I was left alone. And then it hurt the next morning when I was saying goodbye to lily as they left early to spend time with mike and she interrupted and said to lily, "do you still want to leave early?" to get her moving. I hurt because I really feel that she was furious with me for wrecking her evening, and that that fury started the moment I began to come apart.

I hurt towards lily because I felt she didn't believe in our connection -- she didn't believe that I would want her to comfort me. She didn't try to comfort me, she didn't even touch me on the shoulder. I felt like we had this beautiful connection but she didn't believe in it because she could barely believe that she made one with ashley and it was too much to think that she could have a second one that is just as incredible with me. And I hurt that she left me... and I hurt that she didn't try to make it up after that, didn't comfort me for the pain that their actions caused. And I hurt because I don't think she believed that I was hurting. The next morning as we were saying goodbye she asked me to be gentle with ashley. That's not what you say to a person that you think is shattered, that's what you say to the one who hurts less. And it hurt even more deeply because of how ashley had treated me, which was the opposite of gentle. AND the night after the horrible argument, as we were laying in bed, ashley started crying, which I didn't understand but I reached out to her anyway in mute caresses, and lily knew that and yet she counseled me to be gentle. It made me feel like she was thinking of me as this callous monster, which I had done nothing to deserve. Unless it makes me a callous monster to say that I think they did a horrible thing in abandoning me, in which case I suppose I am one. Bel the Callous Monster, has a bit of a ring to it don't you think?

Right now I don't see a way to resolve this with ashley. I am not changing my beliefs on this -- I'm quite closeminded about it because it's essential to my being, and I can't be friends with someone who thinks that it's okay to abandon someone in pain because they don't clearly and without doubt express their desire for comfort. How could I trust her if I know that I can't count on her to be there for me if I am in pain and doubt (which is pain's best friend and they're almost never apart)? If she changes her views on it and expresses remorse then we can probably be friends again but it will take me some time to heal from this. I've never had a friend wound me this deeply before -- not even Anika.

as for lily, I don't know. I sent her an email about the asking-me-to-be-gentle thing, but she hasn't responded yet. I asked if she would be willing to stay friends with me if ashley and I part ways, 'cause that's looking likely... I feel very little hope about it.

So I may be losing an old friend whom I've poured a lot of myself into, as well as a new friend who is connected to me in a beautiful way (we aren't always true to those connections, that's for freaking sure). On top of all the other shit. I really don't know how my heart hasn't literally broken...... I'm trying to keep my mind occupied, to think of anything but everything that is my life.

(all comments are screened)


and I quit my job yesterday. I almost deleted my journal -- I still might. I just don't have the strength for anything.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.