September 2017
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the history of my partner and I


We've just crossed our 5th year of being spiritually married, so I want to post about my lover & partner (aka frenetik or my partner).

I met my partner when I was eight and he was seven. I fell for him THEN, and he tolerated me pretty well, but mainly we kept our distance. I remember once he showed me his stamp collection and let me pick one to keep, and I treasured that stamp until I lost it several moves and quite a few years later. Even though we moved away and I didn't see him for probably five years, I still thought about him sometimes. We moved back to the area when I was about 13, and I became best friends with his sister Rebecca -- I was ALWAYS at their house because it was the only place I felt safe and loved. I became sorta-kinda friends with my partner during that time, but it's not what I'd call a real friendship -- it mainly consisted of me reaching out and him tolerating me.

Eventually I graduated and moved again -- just before I left, I broke off the 'friendship,' telling that if he was willing to give, we could be friends, but I was done reaching out with little to no response. I spent about five months away, and didn't really think about him. I was very drained by the spiritual oppression of the place, and at the same time thrilled with my spiritual breakthroughs, and I forgot about him for months. Then, of course, I was walking to class one morning and just spoke his name to myself out of the blue, which baffled and frustrated me. I wanted to scream GET OUTTA MY HEAD but oh well.

That December I flew down to spend Christmas with Rebecca's family, and talked to Rebecca about how I was SO OVER him but I felt perfectly ready for a romantic relationship. I actually was going to call my friend Michael up and ask him out, but couldn't find his phone number! I looked absolutely everywhere, and I am completely convinced that God/dess hid it because it wasn't meant to be. Shortly after that my partner asked me out, and apologized for having ignored me and taken me for granted for years. I forgave him remarkably quickly! and agreed, but had to fly back two days later... I was so incredibly high, just... wow. I felt thrilled all the time, every second of the trip. On the way to the airport, Miss K stopped to pick us up some breakfast, and my partner and I sat in the car so that he could ask me a question. He asked permission to kiss me! And I almost fainted, because that had been one of those 'perfect guy' requirements. We decided not to because I didn't want our first kiss to be rushed.

Then I flew back and 19 days after we started 'going out' I asked him what his intent was in the relationship, and he immediately said he saw us getting married. I was surprised because I wasn't nearly so sure, and then he asked me and I thought about it for a while (must have been agony for him on the other end of the line). Suddenly I remembered a prophesy from a lady in my church about my future husband, and realized it described him EXACTLY, and then remembered all the dreams I'd had about him that I thought were just wishful, and I realized that my partner was exactly the person for me. All my doubt completely fell away, and I whispered in awe, "You're the one!" and then he had me repeat it so he could hear it, and I explained, and he got very excited and we ended up making vows to each other right then and there. So in my mind, we were married from that point on. But it was a torturous four months before we saw each other again, and we spent ridiculous amounts on phone cards and wrote tons of letters.

Finally I flew down to visit some friends and then live with my aunt and uncle (because my dad had turned from subtler forms of abuse to physical abuse, and I wasn't putting up with him one more second), and eventually live with the Wynnes. We spent a LOT of time together over the next two years, and it was incredible. Our first kiss must have lasted like 10 minutes... it was amazing. The sexual tension was craaaaaazzzy, especially since I felt we were married in God's eyes and who gives a shit about a piece of paper? so I begged and pushed and pleaded and grinded, but he wanted to wait until we were legally married. I'm really really impressed because how many guys do you know that could say no when the girl he's desperately in love with is straddling him half-naked, teasing and arguing and pleading? I think that what I did was wrong because he wasn't comfortable and I shouldn't have pushed for something that I knew he wasn't comfortable with (and I have since apologized). But I don't regret it because learning that he loved me more than he loved sex was something I needed (I was sexually abused as a child, if you're new to the journal), and also, if he could resist THAT because he felt it was wrong, I felt completely sure he'd never cheat on me. I really love that he said no (although I still think that legality and ceremony have nothing to do with marriage).

Eventually we just couldn't take it anymore, and though I had intended to graduate before getting married, we decided to get married on December 13, 2003. Apparently I offended tons of people at the reception because I didn't pay them attention -- but for goodness sake, I'd been a (consensual) virgin for almost 21 years! I only had one thing on my mind. (I suppose people aren't used to that nowadays, heh) Plus I don't think I owe anyone attention or a relationship based on blood (and if I had my way most of those people wouldn't have been invited, but I wasn't paying so I didn't get to restrict the guest list), so whatever.

The first few months were SO rocky. Sex wasn't what I had dreamed about (I now realize that I was really triggered) and it took quite a while before it stopped being painful and was merely uncomfortable. I think it was like five months before it was comfortable ((but in spite of that, I don't think I have ever had sex without an orgasm (except for the first few times) -- my partner's a very generous lover)). It didn't help that I was in counseling, dealing with all kinds of issues that just totally crushed me.

But we made it through... and even more amazing, we made it through the year after that (2005) when I was in more intensive counseling and became completely agoraphobic and useless, unable to leave the house, having flashbacks and nightmares, jumping away from the most innocent of touches, crying and depressed and wanting to die, furious with everything, very uncomfortable with my partner because of his maleness. That was a scary year, because even though he offered me all the support he could, I felt that he wasn't truly connecting with me and I felt very very alone. I was also very upset because he didn't give to me emotionally. He was there, he supported me financially and put up with my paranoia and wild emotions, but that was it, he didn't reach out (because he didn't know how). 2006 ended with me feeling that our marriage was over, and expressing to him that I didn't feel any love for him at all, and didn't feel love from him, and didn't understand why he wanted to stay with me.

We fought, argued and argued, and I was cold as ice, because I was so incredibly low. I'm still stunned that he wanted to stay with me. But I finally expressed a lot of things I had previously felt too undeserving to admit I wanted, and he said he wanted to change, and did. He started working on being more expressive and more connected, more open and honest -- not in order to please me, but because he saw from my pain that it was an area he needed to grow in. He started making real effort to reach out to me, and to express his appreciation when I reached out to him.

He's made incredible progress (and I've grown in ways that have benefited him too) -- people who knew him five years ago wouldn't recognize him now. He used to pride himself on his cynicism, was so sarcastic and closed off. Now he connects with people! He's open! He has learned to see the human body as a work of art, and to see nudity as naturalness and openness... he has learned to reach out to new people, to share himself with them. When Hannah visited, he was nearly as open with her as he is with me -- he just chose to trust her. He's learned to express when he feels sad or upset, rather than turning the emotion into anger and taking it out in a computer game or by slamming things. He's grown so much in expressing when he is joyful (omg, he's the most beautiful thing ever when he is unashamedly happy). Instead of keeping himself sedated with mindless games, he spends time in games in which he can interact with people and develop friendships... he's just branched out so much. AND he has chosen to live consciously, such a huge step. I'm very very excited about seeing him continue to grow and mature.

I am so incredibly blessed.


may 2005


the kiss that went on and on... we had argued beforehand, I said we should have a real kiss, he said we should have a polite kiss, and then when we actually got there, he gave me a REAL kiss, until the pastor started laughing. (this is cropped, in the full photo you can see him with this huge grin)


I love how you can almost see the heart connection in this one


I look absolutely wild -- and I definitely felt wild.


happy


Hannah took this! my partner's looking at me. ♥


I think he is most himself when he has a guitar in hand.


and acoustic.


my partner talking to Hannah! in the coffeehouse.


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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.